Having a fun lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant, when Kenny and I run into a couple of friends we hadn’t seen in years. After several minutes of “OMG, you look GREAT!” “Really? Your kids are HOW old??” and “Remember when we…” we decided to get together at our house the next night for dinner and a merry trip down memory lane through our high school years.
Kenny, of course, was manning the menu and the bbq’er, and he suggested I handle dessert. Getting into the spirit of “Welcome to our home,” I decided to bake something. Reassuring a panicked Hubs that I was referring to something like Slice-n-Bake cookies, we picked up a tube on the way home and I got to work.
Poured a glass of great Cabernet, found a cookie sheet, tore open the container, and happily began slicing. Popped a dough slice in my mouth, followed by a sip of wine, got Pandora rocking to a little Blake Shelton, popped back another dough slice, had another sip of wine, and hey, this is fun! Dance, pop, sip. Dance, pop, sip. By the time the oven preheat light went off, I was out of wine and cookie dough. Uh oh. Called out to Kenny that I needed more dough (“Can’t drive. Don’t ask”), so he returned shortly with a second tube. Somehow managing to get all the slices actually onto the cookie sheet (apparently one tube of cookie dough is my limit. Who knew?), I slid it into the oven and happily waited for my “homemade cookies” to bake.
12 minutes later, I opened the oven door to find a dozen or so mushy-on-top, Chicago-charred on the bottom melted messes. WTH?? Kenny peeked into the oven and promptly dissolved into a fit of merriment, somehow managing to choke out, “Why is your rack on the bottom shelf? Cookies go in the middle of the oven.” I rifled through the garbage until I found the dough wrapper and demanded, “Show me where it says ‘Place on MIDDLE RACK.'” “It doesn’t, sweetie,” as he tried, unsuccessfully, to keep a straight face, “But I guess most people just kind of know this stuff.” Well, ouch.
Determined to contribute something to this dinner, I dumped my dozen hockey pucks into the garbage and searched for Plan B. Years ago, my mother (in a maternal flash of foresight about my future talents, or lack thereof) presented me with cookbook titled “5 Ingredients or Less.” I tore the kitchen apart until I found it, and looked up “Desserts.” Aha. Found a yummy sounding, E-Z Bake recipe for a bundt cake with glazed topping. Showed Kenny the picture (apparently the writers knew “bundt” was going to require a visual for anyone needing this particular cookbook), with instructions to get me that funny round pan, pre-mixed cinnamon balls, and a can of glaze (TWO recipes is one more than I want to deal with, so store-bought glaze it was going to be). Poured another glass of wine, turned up the music for some solo kitchen dancing, and waited for him to return.
THIS recipe was a piece of cake (ba ha!). Tore the little pre-made cinnaballs into pieces and stuffed them into the round pan. Decided the pan looked a little empty, so doubled up and packed them in good and tight. (If a little is good, a lot is BETTER.) Placed a damp rag over the top, and left it alone to do its thing until the next morning.
Got up early and ran out to check my bundt pan like a kid on Christmas morning. Oh. My. God. It had swollen until it virtually exploded, cascading up and over the pan, down my cupboards, and across the floor. SERIOUSLY?? By now, Kenny was standing behind me, naked and doubled over in laughter, and I was practically teary.
That afternoon, we picked up some Frosted Lemon Squares from the bakery. Kenny put them on a plate and told our new/old friends that they were “my specialty.” As long as they never read my blog, I’m good.
Vikki,
Thanks for the laughs this morning. I love the great visuals of your failed baking attempts. As a woman who grew up being forced to cook and bake at age 12 because my mom worked full time, I can’t say I relate, but I totally get it.
Baking and cooking are not a natural G-d given womanly talent like many assume. Some people just love take out – every day. I recently spotted a colleague’s photo on Facebook of her attempt at dinner – two burnt taco shells filled with mystery meat. She wasn’t proud, but she was able to laugh about it, like you. I love that!
I had visions of the old I Love Lucy episode where Fred and Ricky were cooking chicken for dinner and chocolate cake for dessert and couldn’t help but giggle on this one, because hell that was one of my favorite shows growing up and your descriptions really had me visualizing the mess that you saw before your own owns. Don’t be too hard on yourself, seriously baking isn’t your thing, but writing stuff to make us laugh sure is!! :)
HA HA HA!! You make us laugh so hard! I want the cinnaball recipe, because yum! Nothing beats cookie dough and wine! ;)-Ashley
Oh, my….well, if I ever come to your place for dinner, how about I bring the dessert? You can supply the anecdotes.
Oh my goodness… This is like me every time I try and bake bread. It always ends in a rock hard disaster with a very gummy center. Never a good sandwich.
Chocolate chip cookies just might be the only thing I can make without ruining it, that is if I don’t eat all the batter too.
Oh…. yes… Me too. I decided to make my new boyfriend (now Hubbs) a birthday cake. And, of course, I saved time and energy by whipping it to a fine, gooey paste in the blender. Needless to say, it came out with the consistency of a lead rock… but he ate some anyway. Good man.
I loved this post! I am an okay cook and a decent baker but every now and then I really mess up. My husband and I would be laughing hysterically too! Thanks for making me feel like I’m not the only one!!
Oh, my! I’d have headed to the store bakery after the burnt cookies. Way to hang in there, Vikki!! (bet I can guess the name of that Mexican restaurant!)
Years ago I needed to make an appetizer to bring to a meeting. I decided to make, for the first time, cheese balls (made from crushed corn flakes and grated cheddar – should have been a clue). They came out of the oven looking and smelling like long forgotten “litter” at the dog park. I ended up bringing a jar of spreadable cheese and box of Triscuits.
I’m not clear on why you didn’t just slice up the raw cookie dough and serve it – that would have been a perfect dessert for me! My mother always told me, “If you serve it on your own plate, you can say that you made it.” I bet the lemon squares were fabulous.
Just wandered over from the “Grand Social” and I’m really glad I did. You are funny! (as opposed to some people who only try to be) I wish I could write humor, but if you peek at my blog
Things my Grandkids Should Know
you will see it’s not my thing. Thanks again for the laughs.
Haha, don’t feel bad. Your cooking skills are still way better than mine. I would have set the house on fire and had firefighters hosing down the smoldering building.
This is why I choose to buy food for parties. Less effort, less stress and guaranteed result.
Personally, BB doesn’t bake. I have enough buns on me thank you, and besides, I believe in maintaining my local bakers and their clans in business. Just doing my part to help fulfill the American Dream. BB2U
I have so been there!
You really are hysterical! Thank you for the laughs!
Lol!!! I laughed through out this entire post, because I could so totally see myself in this… This too is how I bake, or at least attempt to bake…. Although I must admit it has gotten a teeny tiny bit better over the years, so glad I found your blog and can not wait to read more
Wow! This was the laugh I needed to start my day! So I credibly funny! Dance, sip, dance…I’ve been there! I’m with Dana, serve up some raw cookie dough next time. Great post!
We are kindred souls…drinking and cooking are so much fun, and there is nothing better than slice and bake raw. You are lucky you remembered to take the wrapping off! LOVE this post! You should submit it to the Drinking Diary ladies- they would love it too!
Oh. My God…this cannot be true! This is hilarious! I can just picture your face, seeing the bundt pan like that! Great post!
Ditto what Karen said: I’ll bring dessert, you supply the jokes. LOL!
SO FUNNY! I love it. And your way of baking (with wine) sounds good to me!
Ok, I’m the only person on the planet that gags at the idea of raw cookie dough. I’ll eat raw fish but not raw cookie dough. But I just knew there was going to be a disaster with the cinnamon dough. I just saw it coming. Like you’re specialty Lemon squares. Did you dring a white or a red wine with those?
Baking I can do. Being funny on a daily basis, not so much! We all do what we can with our gifts… and when all else fails, we give thanks for store-bought frosted lemon squares (which sound REALLY yummy right now!).
omg – this is so funny. And if anyone asks you for the recipe tell them it’s a family secret and you’ll be golden. That meme had me rolling. Gotta love Ina. Just make sure you use the “good” butter.
I am too menapausal to bake. Hot flashes and ovens don’t mix. I love your humor and had a good laugh. Thanks.
Oh Honey!!! You had the same Home Ec teacher I did….none!!! Charlie always said I timed my cooking with the smoke detector…and he was RIGHT!!!!! Next time a cake mix???
Some people have a knack in the kitchen…and then there are people like you and me. The last time I tried to bake something a goofed up a conversion from metric measurements to real measurements and spent an afternoon adding yeast and flour into a mixing bowl until it looked like something out of Egon’s lab in Ghostbusters. This is why they have bakeries!
As bad as I felt for you, this had me rolling!!! I hate cooking and baking with every fiber of my being. By the way, I had NO idea that cookies go in the middle. None. That really explains a whole lot!!
oh my G-d. I know this is an old post, but I have not seen it before and I’m crying from laughing so hard. I so know. ahahaha! This is awesome.
I had to tweet this. Love it!
Anything coming from a Bundt pan is good. Anything coming from an Easy Bake Oven is bad. But I still like lemon squares!
Since this is an older post, I’m hoping you have a new cooking disaster to share. If not, get thyself into the kitchen for our amusement!
I’d love to just follow you around, Vikki. I’m sure my life would be a lot funnier and funner if I only could. As others have said, you bring the laughs; I’ll bring the dessert.
Don’t fee bad. I once baked three batches of macadamia nut chocolate chip cookies for a guy whose heart I wanted to win and didn’t figure out the rack thing until the third batch. At $10 a jar for the nuts, this was a very expensive lesson. And the guy? So not worth it!
I remember my daughter asking me why all my home baked cupcakes that I provided for her school parties came in plastic containers. I told her that’s how working mommies do it. Bam! She is not 29 and its still how I do it. I do some things really well. Baking … not one of them. Fun read, Vikki.
I can’t bake. At all. And I never knew about the middle shelf thing either. I bring salads. Or I know where the best bakeries are. I take pride in being resourceful. However, I did once serve my children cookie dough and sushi for dinner. Hope you had a fun time anyway!
You are so smaht! I love the IMPORTANT!!!!
Hahaha! My kids were in middle school before they knew you were supposed to bake the cookie dough from the tube. True story.
Thanks for the laughs this morning!
Hysterical!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I want wine and cookies