There’s a moment in every marriage when the relationship shifts from Phase I, where everything your partner says is oh-so-witty and even his breathing fascinates you, to Phase II, where the love, although deeper and fuller, feels a little less “hot.”
Maybe it happened overnight after a single, unfortunate event (the night he got drunk at your office Christmas party and told everyone you’ve been wearing Depends for the last five years) or gradually, from years of tiny irritations (must he clip his toenails at the dining table??) that have built up into a lengthy list of Things You Do That Piss Me Off.
But Phase I, while exhilarating and exciting, is not practical over the long haul. Fueled by 24-hour-a-day endorphins (often accompanied by copious amounts of alcohol), Phase I is suspended reality. Long nights of endless gazing at each other like besotted teenagers who’ve recently discovered sex eventually gives way to jobs, bills, friends, and family obligations. A too-lengthy Phase I would inevitably find us living in our cars, unemployed, and friendless on Facebook.
But with the passing of Phase I, new, less positive feelings can emerge. Previously cute quirks often now start to become annoying. That joke he tells at every single party just isn’t funny anymore. His once-comforting snoring now sounds like a bullhorn, and you haven’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks. And if he doesn’t stop drinking the milk directly out of the damn carton, you’re going to knock out a wall and install your own refrigerator. Suddenly, “till death to us part” seems like a long ways away.
Fortunately, there are things we can do to remember how we ended up married in the first place. Assuming this union wasn’t prearranged by your elders, a marriage of convenience, or a business merger, experts offer a few tips to help keep the passion alive.
1. Once a week or two, spend one evening together without discussing whose purchase overdrew the checking account, how long your mother intends to stay when she comes out next spring, or whether or not it’s time for Johnny Junior to start posting his own bail. Movies, travel, books, hobbies. Dating stuff. FYI, this is harder than it sounds.
2. If you fight, try to keep it from escalating into an all out street brawl, where things get blurted out that can’t be unsaid. “Yes, I did sleep with your best friend, but it was only because you were going through that freaky male menopause thing and you couldn’t get it up” is not helpful if you were originally arguing over why he didn’t take the dog to the groomers.
3. Pick your battles. It’s not necessary to point out every single thing he does that annoys you, every single time. (“Must you leave your wet towel on the floor every. friggin’. day?” “Seriously?? You forgot to get bread again?”) Little bitches, if repeated often enough, can make you seem like a big one.
4. Ask for what you want. It’s been scientifically established that men don’t get “hints,” no matter how obvious we think we’re being. (“I dragged you past that necklace in the window eight times, and you bought me a blender??”). It’s the same for household chores. Want him to fold that pile of laundry you dumped right next to him on the couch? Ask. Preferably without sarcasm or eye-rolling.
5. If you forgive, forget. Forgiveness of another’s transgressions doesn’t mean “I’ll let you off the hook for drunk flirting with the hot new neighbor at the 4th of July block party, but I reserve the right to revisit this grievance whenever I’m pissed off or hurt by another stupid thing you did.” This is not “forgiving.” It’s stockpiling another grenade in your marital Waco arsenal to be used whenever you want to really nail his ass.
6. Every once in a while, be the woman he fell in love with. The one who adored him, who laughed at all of his jokes and bragged about him to her girlfriends. Many of us can instantly verbalize our partner’s top 20 faults, but are inexplicably tongue-tied when asked to come up with his 5 best qualities. Ouch.
7. Stop trying to change or improve him. When we get married, we profess to love someone “just the way they are,” but then launch a Def-Con 10 makeover the day after we say “I do.” He needs to quit smoking, join a gym, sell his Harley, and stop wearing those ridiculous fraternity t-shirts. Maybe so. But imagine your reaction if he rolled over the morning after the wedding and said “You know, babe, it’d sure be great if you could knock off a few pounds.”
8. Strike while the iron’s hot. Too often, with so many other tasks clamoring for another chunk of our day, we wait for “the perfect moment” to have sex, to connect and be together. Perfection is not only overrated, it’s rare. If the mood hits you and you two aren’t alone? Stuff the dogs in the bathroom, send any offspring with a driver’s license to the store, and plop the wee ones in front of the big-screen TV for the 300th viewing of Frozen. They’ll still go to college someday. Spontaneous play is important for big people, too.
One evening, as Hubs and I were driving home from a restaurant, I commented (okay, whined) that he didn’t seem to be paying much attention to me lately. As we pulled into the driveway and got out of the car, Hubs’ Chihuahua, Chi Chi, tore out of the house, yapping and twirling, tail wagging and body shaking with uninhibited, eager delight to see him, until finally she air-Jordaned over the porch into his arms, proceeding to enthusiastically lick his face like he’d been gone for months instead of hours.
Hubs looked over at me and grinned, “When you start greeting me at the door like this, I promise you’ll have my full attention.”
10-lb dog. 120-lb human missile. It won’t be quite the same, but I’m willing to give it a try.
Im so so so woman enough to admit I need this ;-)
LOL, Carla! I think we could all us a gentle nudge from time to time, to remember how blessed we are! :)
The dog, oh my God. The dog at the end. Perfect, and perfect what Hubs said.
Susan, Yes, Chi Chi is a little Jedi. She reminds me about what unconditional love looks like. And of course, Hubs likes to chime in, just in case I didn’t quite get it! :)
Hilariously funny as usual Vikki! I always love your posts.
Thanks, Rena! I feel the same way about your blog! You’re a powerful writer.
Hilarious Vikki!! You nailed it. I however think there may be more than two phases… Depending on what course the marriage takes… there is a third phase that erupts after all the acceptance of the annoyances and shortcomings takes hold.
The love in phase three is more profound, and powerful. Instead of totally snapping and shaming and complaining and bitching- you totally get each other’s grooves and grit. You have learned how to successfully navigate around the mishaps and the mistakes to form this HOT new breath of attraction.
Oh yeah baby. We are in phase three!! ;)
Thanks, Chris, and you’re absolutely right! Phase 3 is goooooood. :)
You are one funny lady Vikki!!!
Thanks, Nancy! So happy to see you on Laugh Lines. Thanks for stopping by for the shout-out! :)
I watched a show yesterday where two Indian women who both had married men via arranged marriages, set up by their parents, talked about their 40-something-year long marriages.
One of them, when asked the secret to love and a long lasting marriage, said, “Love is a gift you offer. That’s it. That’s all. Without expectation.”
I think your husband and your chihuahua might well have been on to something.
Susan, I love that response. “Love is a gift you offer.” Chi Chi has extraordinary presentation in her giving of love. I’ve got a lot to live up to! :)
Oh yes. Grenade stockpiling. So easy to just open my mouth and launch ’em. I’m constantly trying to keep my explosives in check … and your magnificent post here has further inspired me to cease fire altogether. :) Thank you!
Marcia, you are so generous with your sharing of my posts. Thank you!! (And yes, we probably could all stand to reduce our marital arsenals. :)
Men and their dogs, we women can not compete with that kind of devotion but go ahead Vikki and give it a try!
Haralee, I’ll let you know. But Hubs has higher expectations than I do for my success. I think he just wants me to jump up and down with excitement whenever he walks through the door. I might be able to pull that one off! :)
Excellent advice Vikki. Always valuable, at any stage of marriage to bone up, as it were, and remind ourselves what’s important.
And yes, I’m the crazy one! lol
Linda, I have no doubt you’re the crazy…I mean, FUN one! I think both of Hubs got great deals, don’t you think? :)
I’m inspired (and laughing). I love the part about asking for what you want. I didn’t realize that until maybe the last 5 years and it is great!
Glad I could make you laugh, Susan! The nicest thing you can say to a humor writer, as you know! I’m delighted to see you on Laugh Lines. Thanks for stopping by and commenting! :)
Perfect!!! And it’s true, I don’t always greet my husband with the same joy that I once did, more often than not I”m doing something with the kids or working on the computer and I give a, hi, how are you. I will try running out and jumping on him I will let you know how it goes!! Lol!
Yes, Kathy, keep me posted…preferably with videos! :)
You know, men are generally easy to impress (we are a little tougher). Yesterday I told Steve he needed some new pants to show off his new tight ass, and you should have seen him light up (and he did get them…2 sizes down, so now I get to look at ….well, you get the idea).
Kim, I know what you mean! The way Hubs lights up whenever I tell him he looks hot, you’d think I’d never complimented at all. Hmmm… Maybe I’m slacking? :)
Yup – same exact scene with our dog! My husband loves to have these long dialogues with her, professing his love and saying they are going to run off to Guam together. At least he finds it amusing.:)
Emily, Hubs and Chi Chi will definitely ride off into the sunset together when one of them gets old. Maybe if I’m really, really nice, they’ll take me with them? :)
I greet my husband like Chi Chi, but it doesn’t seem to help. Maybe I need to stop peeing on the floor?
LMAO, Heather! Is THAT what I’m doing wrong?? :)
Love this! Thanks for the firm slap on the back of the head. I needed that.
Thanks, Kristine! I think we all need a little head tap every once in a while! Fortunately, we have our dogs to remind us what to do. :)
Oh, lovely! And such wonderful advice!
Thanks, Michelle!! So glad you read and commented! :)
Vikki, I really love this post. So much wisdom here.
Chloe, We learn a lot from our pets, don’t we? I’m thinking a new reality TV show… Are You Smarter Than Your Dog? :)
This is wonderful advice, Vickie! We’ve been married for 41 years and every Saturday night is “date night”, whether or not we go anywhere. I burst out laughing at your hubby’s comment about the dog’s enthusiastic greeting, because mine said the exact same thing! Valid point, yes? :D
I wrote a similar article, in case you’re interested:
How to Sustain a Love Relationship
Debbie, 41 years and you still have a weekly date night?? You two are AWESOME. So much fun to have you jump in the conversation. Thanks so much for sharing this post! :)
Everyone that is married needs a nudge. After 44 years of married bliss , I have needed many, many nudges……..thanks.
Barb, yes we all can get a little lazy every now and then. Fortunately we have our dogs to remind us to pick up the enthusiasm! :)
I loved this article. I lost my husband five years ago after 48 years of a wonderful marriage. I was surprised at my office with flowers and candy for my staff often. We had wonderful conversations that lasted for hours. I hid little notes in his lunch pail to let him know how I felt about him. If all women could know how it feels to be alone after a wonderful marriage it would be motivation to appreciate the man in their life.
Beautifully said, Judy. And I’m so sorry for your loss of this wonderful man. Sometimes we get lazy and need gentle reminders to appreciate our blessings! Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Remind me not to have a dog, when am married. How can i even compete with that?
Hi Phiona, I agree! And to think, I was the one who bought Chi Chi for Hubs. May not have been my smartest move! :)
Amusing and wise, in equal measure. Anyone who has lived with a partner for more than a decade could identify with these tips.
Thanks, Gary! I’m not often funny AND wise at the same time! Love that you stopped by and commented! :)
You always hit a wonderful humorous bone! Much of this reminds me of the play, “I Love You, Your Perfect, Now Change!
Thanks, Nora! LOVE the title of that play. Isn’t that what we tend to do? :)
I cannot tell you how much I love this post. I love your humor, Vikki, but I have to tell you…you are spot on, my friend. I sit here nodding my head through each point and every point.
I can remember in the beginning when my husband and I would sleep nose to nose and I would wake up first and his morning breath might as well have been a spring bouquet! (I know that makes me sound a little insane, but I never claimed not to be.) Anyway. Now? Not so much and there is no more nose to nose sleeping. Butt to butt, baby.
I think this should be required reading…love it and sharing it!
Sandy, I’m cracking up about your morning breath story! That’s exactly what I’m talking about. :) So much fun to see you on Laugh Lines! Thanks for jumping in!
Great post Vikki! Thank you for the humorous reminders of how to love unconditionally. I will take them into my own upcoming marriage. 27 days! :)
Thanks, Christina! And congratulations on your big day!! May you have a long, happy life together. :)
Picturing you doing that right now! Do you have any suggestions if your kid doesn’t like to watch tv? After only 2 and a half years of marriage, we are in the rough transition and it’s a bumpy ride. Gonna try some of your tips and see if we can make a little progress. Thanks Vicki!