We’ve all heard them. We might have even said them from time to time. “It’s like comparing apples to oranges.” “It’s for the best.” “When God closes a door, He opens a window.” We pepper our daily conversations with a lengthy list of cliches and sayings that, regardless of our best intentions, may or may not actually make sense.
There are a few popular expressions that I hear almost daily that never fail to make me wince. Depending on the amount of wine I’ve had, I can usually resist the overwhelming temptation to say “Whut??” (although not always, often sparking spontaneous verbal sparring matches with drunk party guests, longsuffering parents, and self-proclaimed-but-idiot religious experts). On a recent evening rant about expressions that make me crazy, Hubs commented that he was surprised I hadn’t written a blog post about them.
So I did.
The Top 12 Stupidest Things People Say:
1. “There but by the grace of God go I.” Seriously, dude? So what you’re telling me is that God loves you and therefore is gracious in His forgiveness of your screw-ups, but that poor sot must have pissed the Big Guy off, because his life sucks. Your God sounds a tad vindictive. Best haul your fortunate butt to church, pronto, and say thanks, before He decides you’re a loser and He takes his grace elsewhere.
2. “Do you want an honest answer?” No. Actually, I prefer that you continue to lie to me every time you open your mouth, as you’ve obviously been doing, since you suddenly seem compelled to offer honesty as an heretofore unexplored option.
3. “I don’t mean to be critical, but…” But BOOM, you’re going to be. Whenever someone starts a sentence with “I don’t mean to be critical/judgmental/mean/fill-in-the-blank-with-something-negative,” that’s exactly what they’re going to be. If you don’t mean to be critical, don’t be. Otherwise, just spit out your criticism or judgment without preamble. You’re not any less of a bitch just because you say you don’t mean to be one.
4. “It just happened.” Often offered up as an excuse for an affair. So let me get this straight. You were standing there feeding the homeless and a huge tornado ripped through the building, ripping your clothes off and blowing you on top of the inexplicably also-naked woman standing next to you? You’re right. It wasn’t your fault. Damn tornadoes.
5. “All things in moderation.” Well, that’s boring. Where’s the passion, the energy, the future blog post?? Moderation may be fine for some things, but moderation doesn’t make memories. “Here lies Vikki. Beloved wife and mother. She did all things in moderation. She was the most boring person on the planet.” Yeah, no. I’m thinking “Here lies Vikki. Full Steam Ahead, Damn the Consequences. She was crazy, but damn, she was fun.”
6. “Good things come to those who wait.” Then the world is full of lazy freeloaders who are about to strike it rich, because they’ve waited for years. Good things come to those who go out and make it happen. I would never tell my child to wait for what he wants. Worst. Advice. Ever.
7. “Money is not important.” Almost always pretentiously stated by someone who has a butt-load of it. I’ve never heard a poor person say this. But if it’s not important to you, feel free to give me your banking information.
8. “God never gives you more than you can handle.” So what you’re saying is that if God determines that I’m a strong person, He just might heap all sorts of tragedy upon me simply because “I can take it”? Wow. I think I’d prefer God thought I was a total wuss, so He’d never give me anything bad and my life would be all unicorns and rainbows forever. Seriously, people. Y’all need to consider a different church, where God is a little kinder to His flock.
9. “My bad.” In the old days, we used to say “I’m sorry,” which was classier and less flippant. “My bad” is juvenile and patronizing. No one over the age of 20 should use this as an apology for a mistake. Ever.
10. “It was in the last place I looked.” Well, duh. We’re assuming that once you found said lost item, you quit looking, because, well, you found it.
11. “I could care less.” Let’s clear this one up for all time. This means you could care less. As in, “I don’t care much, but it is possible to care less than I do right now.” What most people are trying to say is “I couldn’t care less,” meaning “It’s not possible for me to care less about this.” I’m a grammar buff. You can shoot me now.
12. “That’s just the way I am.” Rarely used to excuse one’s better traits. (“I give $1000 every year to the Food Bank, because that’s just the way I am.” Never heard at a bar.) This one is usually reserved to justify behaviors we should change but have no current plans to do so, and is often offered up by people who believe that all negative behavior is an uncontrollable and incurable disease. If you’re happy and your life is working for you, rock on with your rebel self. But if no one wants to be around you because you’re, well, a total jackass, you might consider being a little less “just the way you are.”
So there you have it. I feel so much better now. If you like this list, add yours in the comment section below. If I’ve offended you in any way, my bad. STOP THAT. I’m sorry. Are we still friends?
No. 11 is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves. It’s, “I couldn’t care less” people! I would also add, “No offense, but…” and “It is what it is.” I could go on and one, but I think you covered the biggest offenders ;)
YES!! I agree with every single one if these!! Such a great list! My top 5 pet peeve phrases are on here. What a fun way to start the week – bitching about other people. I like your style, Vikki!
number 1 has always been an issue for me, with the tragic loss of not just one but two husbands, a granddaughter and a son-in law, mental illness in a grandson, I often say it is the grace of God that has seen me through tragedy and loss. Gods grace is no less on me because I have seen trials. Its just one of those things that hurt, along with number 8, which is truthfully related to temptations, not trials, God will never allow us to be tempted into sin more that we can handle because his grace is sufficient for us to withstand the temptation. This has nothing to do with trials that beset the believer, and all humanity. Struck a cord with me today. thanks for the post. totally agree with you.
Oh oh!! Raising my hand with one over here!!! “It is what it is.” Duh. I absolutely hate that one!!! It drives me nuts. If it wasn’t what it was what would it be?
Your post definitely made me giggle today. Great list and I am sure you are going to get even more in your comments.
Oh and if I offended you with mine—my bad. :-)
I’m guilty of a few of these. I see no reason to mention which ones :)
The phrase that drives me crazy is “Not your Grandma’s…(fill in the blank).
I haven’t yet figured out if that’s an insult to me, my mom, or my grandmother!
Thanks for the early morning rant.
You chose some of my favorites. I mean, seriously: “I don’t mean to be critical…” Right. Loved this post!
“Good things come to those who wait.” <– I hate this one, and pretty much ALL of the other ones, as well. I counter this with one of my favorite Stephen King-isms: "God hates a coward." I'm not even religious, I just really like this saying, especially at people who are afraid for silly reasons.
I was going to add "It is what it is" which my sister says ALL THE TIME for annoying things she doesn't want to deal with, and it makes me visibly cringe.
Great post.
“Whatever.” I hate it when my kids say it, my husband hates when I say it, I hate when he says it. So dismissive.
This is hilarious and I have to admit, I’m guilty of a couple. A great way to start my week!
Bwahaha! Thanks for clearing all that up.
A lot of honesty here, Vikki! I especially like the one that goes…”I don’t mean to be critical…” bang. The person will be anyway!
Along with number 3 goes “With all due respect” a sentence that starts that way is never going to be respectful.
Number 11 drives me crazy too.
YEA! Preach on, sister! (Here’s my post about “couldn’t care less”: http://grammarbelle.com/2012/08/09/i-do-care-a-lot/)
Spot on! Especially no. 8. I used the exact phrase here: https://laugh-lines.net/2012/10/the-limits-of-empathy/
Number 8 is the one I hate the most. So any bad things that have happened to me are my “reward” for being a good person. No thanks – I’ll take what’s behind door #2.
You can add ” no problem” to that list and “I hate compromise”! Who does that sound like! And my all time favorite words to hate is “whatever”!
“Hold on a sec, I’ve got to take this” Don’t you put me “on hold” to answer your cell phone when I’m right there in front of you. 911 isn’t calling and no, you don’t really need to take this.
“I forgot” – The most perfect passive-agressive cop out ever. No way did anyone forget.
And everyone please quit saying “How are you?” to perfect strangers! It forces a fake answer and is insincere,
…Love your blog! :) ccj
Haha, my 10 year old has a terrible habit of saying “It was in the last place I looked.” Every single time she says it I always response with “Really? No kidding!” Thank your husband for the great idea. It put a smile on my face today.
I LOVE your #5.
And good things coming to those who wait, or even to those who try to make it happen, is often utter bollocks. Sometimes good things just don’t.
Oooooo! #8 really chaps mah pink parts! It’s like, “THAT’S all you’ve got? Next time can we stick to “That sucks dude.”….
So true! Great list to think about.
Those are all great picks. Numbers 11 and 3 are the ones that annoy me the most.
What a cringe-worthy list!
Another one: ‘Better to have loved and lost,than to have never loved at all’
I didn’t embrace that one at 17 when my first serious girlfriend dumped me!
You nailed it! I particularly hate the one about “God won’t give you anything you can’t handle”. Yeah, right, if that were the case, there wouldn’t be any suicides.
Thanks for the laugh, just what I needed for a Monday.
“Do these pants make my hiney look big?”…Do you want an honest answer? :)
Great list……still laughing!
“Whatever” is the one that gets me. I say folks who use cliches all the time never have an original thought. Just don’t know how to verbalize. Nice post you put together on this subject.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.” As a good friend once put it, “Where the hell *else* would you throw up?”
Yes. To all of them. I want to add to #3 “I’m not racist but…” Gaaah! That one drives me insane.
*giggles* Love the spin you put on these things. I admit to occasionally falling into Clicheville from time to time (my bad!), but sometimes, it is what it is. Open mouth, pithy and witty remark doesn’t always issue forth.
#8 really gets me. #3 don’t you want to stop them and say “So Don’t” #3 can also be said, “No offense but”, and then they offend you or a loved one.
You really rocked this post! So True!
These are great. I also hate, hate, hate the word Meh. What the hell does that even mean? Great post.
Estelle
Hi Vikki, You made my day! I was looking for a little humor and you delivered!Numbers 2 and 3 get under my skin when people say that! (Great, I think I may have made number 13 on your list with this comment)…haha! Number 4 made me laugh!Number 6, I’m one of those who’s been waiting a LONG time! Number 7, I’ll be in line behind you when the person is handing out money that isn’t important! Great post!
Let us add the nonword, yet often used “Irregardless”. Just wrong on soooo many levels. BB2U
Here from the Grand Social. My Bad. ; )
You forgot the most common and the most stupid of all….. ‘I do’
I love number ten! Down here in Baja nothing is in moderation!
Holy crap this is hilarious! I must admit though that I’ve used a few of those lines to justify or excuse my craptastic behavior or um, quirks. Yea, let’s go with quirks since it sounds so much better than flaws. *ahem*
I’ve done my best to avoid saying “my bad”(I am over 20 after all) but it has been known to slip once or twice. The “I don’t mean to judge BUT…” line has been uttered more than I’m willing to admit. “All things in moderation” has been the result of weight loss efforts. I still use that one but there are plenty of times where I’ll say eff it and not give a rat’s booty about consequences.
Let me add another to the list: “Shit happens.” Well, yeah. It does. Doesn’t mean we should be so blase about it (though I must admit I’m so guilty of this one as well…hey, it’s a work in progress).
Thanks for the laugh! I needed it!
hahahaha, I wrote an entire blog post about JUST #11. http://www.thenextstepblog.com/2012/09/i-could-care-less-but-i-dont.html
Also, I hate “just sayin’…” – we know you are “just sayin'” cause you JUST SAID IT. Adds nothing to the conversation and makes you sound like you are trying to be ones intellectual superior.
Vikki, great list. You could also add “I told you so” to the list. It is so condescending and snooty. The other one is “Get over it”! Of course I want to get over it, but it doesn’t help when people are patronising!
“Same ole, same ole.” As a response to, “How are you?”/”How was your day?” Really? Is there nothing going on in your life/Was there nothing about your day that was interesting enough to share?
I love your list. Especially 5 and 6.
Hysterical! I am guilty of a few of these and have others as my pet peeves! One that I would add? “Save the best for last” What?! Why do that???
Oh man! I so agree about number 7. Everyone who’s always yacking on about money not being important and being happy with what you have is always RICH. Now, all the ones you listed about God are so totally untrue and unscriptural. If tragedy happens and you don’t know what to say, SHUT UP! Geez.
Love them all! AND I agree with your reasons for choosing them! I’d like to add one (that sort of fits) that my (deceased) mother always said to me that I HATED, and I swore I would NEVER say it to my kids. “You don’t always get everything you want in this life, Becky.” WHAT??!! Oh, Okay..I have to wait until I get to Heaven for anything good to happen to me???!!! Thanks a lot, Mom! :)
Cliches have started to hurt me at this point. It is what it is and at the end of the day are the worst to me. I hope this post is super influential and everyone stops using this stuff now. I mean, I listen to you! Everyone else should too.
I recently saw a tweet by Wilson Bethel (he plays Wade in The Hart of Dixie” who said and I quote: “I’d like to meet the guy who coined “It is what it is”, take a s@$% on his chest & just look at him like “What? It is what it is.”
I about died laughing, I hate that phrase!! :D
I have an aunt that often says, “One day at a time. That’s all we can do.” Well yeah! Is there any other way we can do it? Can we maybe skip a full week ahead? Um, NO! :) I love all of yours, Vikki! Hear them so often! Would love to throw your responses back at whoever utters the words next! :)
One that I really hate is, “he’s in a better place.” Really??
Yours are all spot on!
I can’t stand “my bad”. It’s like “oh, I screwed up. Oops. Oh well. “My personal pet peeve is when people say “I’m brutally honest. “Is that supposed to give someone carter Blanche to be a douche?
“It is what it is.” Well, that comes as a huge relief to me. Because if it is what it isn’t, we are all in for a world of trouble. Ditto if it isn’t what it is.
Also, can I put in a plug for “going forward”? I hate that phrase with a passion that burns.
Oh you have nailed it on the this subject………………”my bad” to me is like chalk on a blackboard. If someone I know says that I reply EXCUSE ME I think you mean I’m sorry. Grrrrrrr!!!
Number 8…number 8!!! That one bothers me all the time.
Number 8….that is my least favorite.
I have also written about “I could care less.” That one makes me gnash my teeth, along with “you should of…” Gaaahhh! Great post. Thank you.
These are all so perfect, I can’t even think up any more to add to the list. I love the “okay, I don’t mean to judge, but…” UM YEAH, that’s exactly what you mean to do.
Loved this list. They hit all of mine except the It is what it is. My husband says this and it makes me want to slap him in the face with a frying pan. It wouldn’t be what it was if you hadn’t screwed it up. No biggy is another. The list goes on and often changes with my moods. Somedays “Good Morning” could be dangerous!
God, how many of these do I say? Let’s see…I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I use the ‘It is, what it is’, phrase. Generally it’s a cue to those around me that I no longer wish to discuss it. Another is ‘Whatever!’ Again- no longer want to discuss it. And, of course, my all time fav- ‘Get a grip’. Because really- get ahold of yourself. The world does not revolve around you. The Middle East is burning for Christ’s sake. Stuff like that…..