The Internet is abuzz with the recent scientific findings that report that men and women are (wait for it), well, not the same. Apparently our differences are greater than his and hers bodily attachments and the necessity of a team effort towards the reproductive process. Scientists tell us that our differences also include the way we think and behave. It turns out that many long-held beliefs and clichés about men and women are actually true. Wow.
I can only conclude that this is the same group that discovered water is wet and red wine is good for you.
I’m not sure how much the scientific community spent to reach this conclusion, but if they’d have sent me a survey form, I could have redirected their federal grant money towards something less obvious with personal experiences that brought me to the same conclusion years ago. Three older brothers, 2 1/2 husbands (One in my early 20s, lasted less than a year, so he only counts as 1/2. Don’t judge), and two dads have given me enough material to provide clear examples of how we differ on a variety of subjects.
Men: “Okay. We’ve talked about it. It’s done. Let’s have sex.”
Women: “You hurt my feelings, jackass. Don’t touch me. Ben, Jerry, and I need time alone.”
Men: Wait until the last possible moment, then stuff two pairs of jeans and a couple of t-shirts in a duffel bag with a toothbrush, toss your golf clubs in the trunk, fire up the car and shout “What’s taking you so long!?”
Women: One week before, pack (outfits/day with appropriate undergarments, shoes, accessories, two jackets, sweats, books, games), arrange dog care, finish up laundry and dishes, balance checkbook, pay bills, get cash for trip, leave key and contact info for parents to periodically check on house and water the plants, then go back three times to make sure the lights are off and we’re not forgetting anything.
3. Sex (Getting in the mood)
Men: Get naked. Bonus points: Bring him a beer. While naked.
Women: Light some candles. Put on some music. A little foreplay, perhaps. Bonus points: Turn off the game, help us clean up the kitchen, and listen while we tell you the continuing saga of our office gossip about people you don’t know and don’t care about. Extra bonus points: Watch our favorite romantic chick flick. You can bet that any guy getting regularly laid has sat through The Notebook. And if he’s smart, more than once.
Men: “I’m going to the gym. Then meeting the guys at the bar.”
Women: “I’m going to a girlfriend’s. I’m taking the wine. And the credit card.”
Men: “How’s it hanging, old man? Wow, getting a little gut there, aren’t you? Bahahaha! Yeah, we’re all getting older, dude.”
Women: “OMG, you look fabulous! I’m so jealous. You never seem to age!”
Men: (holding the item up) “Yep, it fits.”
Women: “It fits, but if the neckline were just a tiny bit higher and covered my turkey waddle or if the peplum didn’t show my belly pooch, it would be more flattering. Let’s keep looking.”
Men: “Here’s what you need to do.”
Women: “Oh, you poor thing. He did what?? Let me get you another glass of wine and you can tell me all about it.”
Men: “Cheat on me, and we’re through.”
Women: “Cheat on me, and I’ll snuff you in your sleep and set fire to your Harley.”
Men: “I think I still look pretty good, don’t you?”
Women: “WTH, is that a grey hair on my chin?? My skin looks like an aerial map of Texas. I so need Botox. Oh. My. God. I just discovered that I can no longer touch my toes, but my boobs are bouncing off my muffin top. We’re not going to another high school reunion. Ever.”
Men: “Little Billy took Timmy’s bike? I told him last year that stealing was bad. He should’ve remembered that. I’m taking away his iPad until he starts listening.”
Women: “Little Billy is seeing a child therapist for possible kleptomania disorder. He needs love and support. Where’s the checkbook?”
Men: “I don’t need to ask directions. It’s around here someplace. We’ll just keep driving until we find it.”
Women: “Here’s the Google map, and I’ve keyed the address into our GPS system. I’ve also got the doctor’s office on speed dial and she’s prepared to guide us in.”
Men: “I want to learn to play golf, so I’ve signed up for lessons every morning and I’m in a beginner’s league so I can start competing once a week.”
Women: “Golf looks like fun. I’ve bought some clubs, and I’ll go whenever the weather is good and I’m in the mood and have the time.”
13. Dining Out
Men: “Let’s try that new sports bar. I hear it’s great. Chicken wings are 25 cents apiece, and Bubba says they have the coldest beer in town. And there’s 37 TVs, so no matter where you sit, you never miss a play!”
Women: “How about that new pasta restaurant? They have a fireplace, it’s romantic and quiet, and I heard the wine list is fabulous. We can have a leisurely dinner, just the two of us, and really talk.”
Men: “Okay. They’ve been here for three days. Time to go home.”
Women: “Yippee! They’re staying for the whole summer!”
So there you have it. 57 years of clinical research I’m happy to share with the scientific community. I can speak with authority that water is wet, red wine is good for you, and men and women are, in fact, different.
Next time, maybe they’ll just ask me first.