Holy crap. Apparently there’s a woman who just gave birth to her 15th surrogate baby. SERIOUSLY??
During my seemingly 3-year-long pregnancy with Jake, I gained 65 pounds (count ’em… Sixty. Five.) I wasn’t too worried about it at the time, because I assumed I would have a 65-pound baby and fit back into my pre-pregnancy jeans, like all those other annoying mothers who brag about it on facebook. (It was my first pregnancy. Obviously I didn’t fully grasp the math on 65 – 8 = You’re Still Fat.) I also developed a violent reaction to all foods except for cantaloupe and frosted brownies with walnuts, both of which I consumed like a growing teenager foraging for pizza scraps. My hair reverted back to its original rodent brown, and my skin broke out for the first time ever, at 33. Suffice it to say, I did not “glow.”
Labor lasted 45 hours (not a typo), during which time there were 3 nursing shift changes and eight other babies were born (including one Greek princess, announced to the world with balloons, accordion playing, boisterous singing, and 10 dancing old men surrounding her bedside across the hall, which would have been quite touching if not for my intermittent screams of “WHERE’S MY FREAKING DRUGS?!?” in the background). Despite my “Natural Birthing Plan” (4 pages, neatly typed and single-spaced, submitted to my OB/GYN months earlier and stating, most emphatically, “I’m a good mother. NO DRUGS”), I demanded, and received, enough painkillers to repeatedly propose marriage to the anesthesiologist and sing 48 verses of “She met him on a Monday, and her heart stood still, da doo run run, da doo run run” loudly, between contractions, during my every waking hour.
So I’m trying to imagine what the hell would make a person want to do that 14 more times. The next couple might want to pay closer attention to her Surrogate Application, Question #38, “Have you ever been accused of being bat crazy?” to which she hand-wrote “Yes. 15 times.”
But just when you thought it couldn’t get weirder…
A 61-year-old woman in Chicago gave birth to her own grandson (surrogate for her daughter and son-in-law). Wow. I know, you’re going to say “What an incredible act of love,” which is true. But at 61, the body’s memory yarn is shot, so her parts will never go back…ever. And I hope it was artificial insemination, because the alternative is illegal in at least 28 states. AND when baby boy gets older, I’m thinking the birds-and-the-bees talk will be the second most awkward discussion that family is going to be having…
Nice gesture on the latter’s part, but both I agree are still bat shit crazy!!
I know all abouy weight gain 60 with the first but I got better with each child. Labor we 12 hours max. Or less excepth for the last. Startes in mid Aug an delivered Dec 7. Ok I had to take meds to keep her in. Its always nice to get those good meds. Well they don’t always make it. Yap I had Scarlett with no meds. The good stuff didn’t make it. At 42 an high risk. We almost died that day. 42 what was I thinking. Just the other day someone said she looks like she was plucked out of Ur Butt. I said Close. Guess the mold wasn’t broken. Word to the wise. Never take Antibiotic an the pill one don’t work. Hummm. As I look back now one of my biggest lies was I'”l never do that again. After each one. 4 kids later I figured it out. An got it fixed. I feel blesssed at least they all came by Ones not multiples.
All I can say is she must be one of those women who sail through childbirth. I was not.
And the grandmother – this is just proof that once we have kids, we never recover from the Crazy. I hope her daughter never accuses her of being an interfering grandmother.
First one- 60 lbs, much ice cream, 4 weeks early, 26 hours labor, many drugs, 8 lbs (thank God early), 27 years later still need $$$.
Second one- 60 lbs, much red meat, full time, 5 hours labor, too quick for drugs (shit), 8 lbs, 24 years later still needs $$$.
Third one- 0 lbs, much wine, fostered at 17 years old, many drugs, 120 lbs, 10 years later is the only one that doesn’t need $$$.
Go figure!
15?!?!? Oh. Hell. No.
Also, the drugs are my favorite part…. ;)
I was NOT a good pregnant person. I firmly believe my husband would have left me if I tried to reproduce again after 2. I was just…difficult…and uncomfortable…and not glowy….at all. I can’t imagine being pregnant that many times. OMG. I am 45 and I can’t imagine doing it again now like the grandma…much less 20 years from now. I love my kids…but no, just no. –Lisa
OMG. The graphic…hilarious. You? Hilarious!
So funny. I asked my neighbor if she was pregnant. She’s not. I learned. I tried to blame it on seeing her tank top below her top and mistaking it for a belly band. She didn’t buy it. And OMG that grandma surrogating for her own grandchild? Maybe I’m cold but whatever “nice gesture” stuff there is in that is completely overshadowed by ew and skeevy. To me, anyway…
I laughed out loud about the anesthesiologist comment…I too sang to mine. I clapped, laughed AND sang when he finally arrived. As for the grandma being the surrogate, yeah I’d say that’s bat shit crazy too!
“body’s memory yarn is shot” bwaaahhahaahaaaaa!!!
Three times was enough for me. What a story!
36 hours of labor with the epidural only working on one side of my body, my husband with a Big Mac from the downstairs McDonald’s in the hospital, and a cranky nurse who told me I should have shaved ‘down there’ before I came in. Uh, no…..you are too funny!
Having never given birth, I cannot say that I can totally relate. However, as I’ve been told some of the pain I’ve experienced in my life is somewhat similar, I have to agree with you. 15 would definitely be one that is either masochistic, or simply numb. I have extreme sympathy for any male caught in that type of trap, too. Obviously, for somewhere around twenty years, the mate must be asking himself, “Why me, Lord…why me?” lol Great post!
Ha! Yeah, no way I could be pregnant 15 times. The upside to pregnancy is that you no longer have to perpetually suck in and tuck in and extras laying around from the last baby. It took me a few times to realize 65-8= fat…
Vikki, we may have had identical births with our firsts! I went through pregnancy twice and actually told my 2 sisters who didnt have kids that before being pregnant I totally would have surrogated for them if they couldnt carry their own. That was off the table after experiencing it. I couldnt imagine putting my body (and mind) through it 13 more times. Or at age 61!!
I read all of this aloud to my friends. That’s how much they were staring at me while I was giggling to myself in front of my computer.
While childbirth was a piece of cake for me I would not want to go through that for others…as selfish as that sounds. I do think it’s wonderful that women are willing to do that, but at #15 it seems this woman puts herself at physical risk.
Yeah, I’m thinking there has to be an official DSM diagnosis for that kind of crazy. And by “that kind” I mean both the 16-pregnancy lady and the I-birthed-my-own-grandkid lady. Because seriously? It was bad enough when I was 24. Oh, and 36.
Oh Vikki! I’m so glad this post wasn’t longer. If it had been, I think my sides would have completely burst from excessive laughter! 65 – 8 = You’re Still Fat. Singing and proposing to hospital staff. The awkward news a child will have to hear about grandma some day! I’ll be laughing all day about this amazingly funny post … and I thank you much for that! :)
Haha! Okay, I’ve never been pregnant but I’ve been around enough friends and sister-in-laws to know that 45 hours of that is akin to a stay at the Hanoi Hilton. I love your “I’m a good mother, no drugs” manifesto. So funny…. I’d like to go the natural way but um if it drags out longer than an international flight then I’m going to be calling for the morphine.
If I could stop any woman from having to go through the agony I’m going through now – of facing life with no children and desperately wanting them, and I could do that by surrogating (it would have to leave me mentally intact – I’m not suggesting that *I* could do this) then I’d give it some serious consideration, side-effects be damned.
I am with you, YIKES!! It must be her career and yes she is bat crazy!!
Imagine her bladder in a few years, if it hasn’t fallen out yet.
I am proud to say I delivered 3 naturally, the last one in the car on
the way to the hospital. I wanted to watch Saturday Night Live…
I’m still trying to understand the number fifteen.
FIFTEEN TIMES?
Does it pay well?