A few years ago, I was working in a beautiful boutique that sold upscale trendy fashion and selected high-end cosmetics. We live in a tourist destination town, so in the summer, the business tripled with the influx of windsurfers, second-home buyers, and wine country travelers. Late one morning, a man and his wife, both in their 30s, came in to look for some fun new items for her.
As the Beauty Director, I showed her some gorgeous new makeup products, and then our Fashion Consultant set her up in a dressing room that was piled high with a mountain of fabulous clothing and accessory pieces.
We had the oldies radio station cranked up, and Mr. and Mrs. Tourist were having a wonderful time. Until she disappeared into the dressing room to change. Mr. Tourist and I got to chatting, when he leaned over and took a big sniff of my neck and called out, “Honey, come out here and smell this woman’s neck! She smells great! You should buy this!”
The boutique got very quiet, until Mrs. Tourist walked out of the dressing room wearing her original outfit and announced, in no uncertain terms, that this shopping experience was over. They left without purchasing a thing, and at the rate she was walking, he was scrambling to keep up. I’m guessing Mr. Tourist doesn’t have any sisters, because smelling another woman’s neck and telling your wife she smells great, so buy what she’s wearing, violates about every code of proper husband behavior ever written.
Men shop as a means to an end. They need something. They see it. It’s their size. They buy it. Boom.
Women shop as an emotional experience. We can hit the stores with only a vague idea of what we want, and then happily cruise until we spot it. And of course, we love a “deal,” so once we find it, we may go to five other stores to see if its cheaper at the other end of the mall. We try things on. Often several times. We debate color, sleeve length, accessories needed, fit, purpose (casual, dressy, work?), and even appropriate seasons for wear.
Obviously, this can creates an immediate problem when the two of you stroll into Nordstrom. She wants to look, touch, feel, try on, consider, try on again, then compare price points at all comparable stores within walking distance. He wants to find her something sexy, buy it, and get the hell out of there and to the Sports Bar before closing time.
My first suggestion is that when your wife says she’s going shopping, do not go with her unless she asks. (Although I’ve never met a woman who did.) If she says she wants you there, that doesn’t give you free rein to do the “husband thing” all day long.
1. Don’t look stricken when she pulls out a list. Yes, we often need to buy more than one item. We don’t shop and dash. Remember, this is an experience, not an errand.
2. Don’t ever tell us we look “fine.” Fine means “acceptable,” and that’s never what we’re going for. We prefer to look fabulous.
3. Don’t comment on the price. “It’s 75 dollars? SERIOUSLY??” will not prevent her from buying what she wants. It will, however, ruin the rest of your day.
4. Don’t stand 6″ behind her at all times to keep her focused and moving along. It’s annoying, and will only serve to make her stop suddenly about every 8 feet, causing you to stumble onto the back of her and look like an idiot.
5. Don’t roll your eyes (or God forbid, add a deep sigh) every time she want to see those jeans at the other store just one more time to compare the fit with the ones she’s trying on now. This is what we do. If you can’t stand it, there’s a bar at every mall, so go have a beer and we’ll meet you back here in an hour (okay, two).
6. Don’t “help” by bringing fantasy clothes (Daisy Duke-style shorts, cropped t-shirts, bikinis) to her dressing room, in sizes she hasn’t worn since middle school. When you say, “I think you’d look hot in this,” as you hand her a tiny piece of dental floss sold as swimwear, she hears “You’d look hot if you were 24 and a size 2, with perky boobs, peach pit butts, and legs like a gazelle.” If she’s 54, her boobs are 3″ lower to the ground, her butt jiggles when she’s standing still, and her legs are more daschund than gazelle, this will not end well.
7. Never point to another beautiful woman and say, “You should wear something like that!” This is a landmine. If it’s something similar to what she already wears, you might get away with it. But if it’s something you’ve never seen her in or that she couldn’t pull off unless she was 20, grew 6 inches, and lost 40 pounds, you just told her “I wish you looked like that.” No matter what you say after that, you can’t fix this.
8. Don’t ask (or worse, repeat at 10-minute intervals for 2 solid hours), “Are we done yet?” You know how you often slow down when someone tailgates you on the freeway, just to piss them off? Yeah, we’re doing that to you.
9. Don’t respond with “They’re all great” or “Whichever you prefer” when we ask for your opinion on which item to buy. You wanted to come. You’re here. Now speak up.
10. Don’t look confused and state, “But those aren’t sexy” to any shoes, jeans, or anything else were trying on. Not every purchase we make is designed to say “Do me.” Sometimes we’re looking for comfort or practicality. And do you really want us to wear foreplay clothes to work?
Remember, clothes are to us what electronics are to you. You wouldn’t spend $185 on jeans? We wouldn’t spend $3,000 on a home theater sound system for the living room 60″ TV.
So the next time she says “I’m going shopping,” just say “I’m going fishing.”
I’m more like a husband when it comes to clothes shopping–not the annoying parts, but the “get in, find it, and get out” parts! Very funny, as always.
Thanks, Leslie! I have a close friend whose hubs loves to shop, but she stays home! :)
You hit every reason as to why I refuse to go shopping with my wife. very good stuff.
Thanks, Mike! Some things are just “couple” things. Hubs says, “Show me what you bought. Don’t tell me what you paid.” :)
I’m going fishing….or clean a barn, anything other than shopping!!
You’re funny, Cate! I always dreamed of being a personal shopper. All the shopping, without spending any of my money! :)
This is a hoot!! My parents have been married for 67 years and they still shop together. Often. My dad takes a book (younger men would take their Ipad) and he enjoys watching people while she shops. They’ve been doing this for years and years. One of my favorite stories was … gee, about 50 years ago, when my mom had gone to Montaldos in Denver. It was her store of choice at the time, a beautiful boutique of high-end clothes. They had a fancy dinner to attend and she was trying to pick the “perfect dress”. She found one she really liked but decided it was too much for the budget. The saleslady called my dad (yes, they all knew my parents) and told him about this great dress and how much my mom had liked it. My dad said, “Send it over” and of course they did (that was in the days that they delivered clothes!). Now THAT’s the kind of guy you want to take shopping with you!
Tina, I think it might be from another generation! I only know one woman whose hubs says “She’ll take it,” and he’s 80! :)
I’m going to ask Joeh over at http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/ if he has a rebuttal to this. Everything you say is true, but boy is there a distaff side to this one. How many times does the question, “Which one of these shoes, earrings, sweaters, etc. etc.” have to be answered with, “I don’t know. I don’t care. I can’t tell any difference,” before it is understood that I don’t &^$#(* know! I don’t %$#%$@ care! There IS no &^$#%^ difference!
(The preceding rant does not mean I didn’t laugh out loud [as usual] while reading your post.)
Bob, you crack me up! If Joeh has a rebuttal post, send it to me. (But you know I’m right!) :)
I know a woman who shops every day. Every day. She leaves things in the trunk of her car for days on end until she can sneak the items into her closet, or… She gets her girlfriends to hold them in their closets for her. She and her husband have problems that are in a whole different league than what you’re suggesting. Think I’ll pass on forwarding your post to them. Brenda
Oh my. Leaving them at another house? This woman is a pro! :) (And thanks for sharing it with her!) :)
Perfect! I would NEVER ask my husband to go shopping with me, for all the above reasons, plus he has horrific taste. That neck sniffer was an idiot!
Thanks, Jennifer! Yeah, he seemed to be a great guy, until he leaned over and took a big whiff. Really, dude? :)
My husband just bought a boat. So the next time I come home (where I left him) he better not count the bags in my hands.
Lisha, that’s EXACTLY what happened at our house! He got a fishing boat, with all the fixings, and I now get pretty much anything! :)
My husband is the best shopping companion…maybe he needs to give lessons??? jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
Jodie, Maybe have him write a post on how to do that! I know lots of women who would tape it to their refrigerators! :)
I would never take my guy whose wardrobe consists of 200 funky Hawaiian shirts and baggy pants shopping with me unless, of course, he’s paying. Even then it’s an excruciating experience. You hit the nail on the head with that post.
Thanks, Rebecca! This was easy to write, because I’ve had three husbands, two dads, and three older brothers. Not ONE of their spouses go shopping with them. Hmmm… :)
My husband usually keeps quiet because he knows asking me, “Do you really NEED another lipstick?” only makes me buy two. Shopping and needing are two words that do not belong in the same sentence. :)
I agree, Linda! How hard is this? “Shopping” and “needing” are not even kissing cousins. I buy what I NEED at the grocery store. I shop for what I want. It’s an experience! :)
Thank you, Vikki, for giving me a smile on Monday!!!
My pleasure, Beverly! I always love seeing you on Laugh Lines!
Solid advice all around. Fortunately, my guy “gets it” and would never commit any of these sins. I think…
Echoing what Linda said about the “Do you really need that?” query…my standard reply is “It’s not a question of need.” Then I buy what I want. And he seldom accompanies me, which is better for both of us!
I took my then boyfriend now husband shopping…he wasn’t a great help, but was still trying to impress me so he came. He actually is a better dresser and spends more on clothes than I do.
Great post, Vikki! My hubby LOVES to shop and I usually have to move him along. If we go grocery shopping together, I can everything in the basket while he contemplates the meat and alcohol aisles.
Spot on again! Witnessing this around Christmas, Nothing says Happy Holidays more than a couple spat in the women’s department!
No rebuttal, I agree with you 100% I have made many of those same errors…not all, I’m not an idiot, and have learned to as you suggest, never go shopping with my wife. (We do grocery shop together cause I want some input in the food, but i have to be careful about eye rolling).
Very funny, only because it is so spot on.
I’m not into the electronics too much, but I can browse as good as any lady at Nordstroms in a Home Depot or Lowes.