I have a confession to make. Hubs and I don’t sleep in the same bed. Yes, we share the same bedroom. Just not the same bed. Yes, we’re still crazy about each other.
As Baby Boomers get older, we begin to realize the importance of a good night’s sleep. Culturally, we are expected to sleep together as a symbol of our love and desire for intimacy with our spouse. Horse hooey.
Studies tell us that one in four married couples sleep apart. That number is believed to be conservative because many couples don’t want to admit that they “aren’t normal.” But home design began to change in the early 1990s, with a significant jump in requests for two master bedrooms. It seems that “normal” is evolving into “whatever works for the two of you.”
Reasons for sleeping separately vary, but it all boils down to how you can both get a good night’s sleep. Why two beds works for us:
- We both want to sleep next to the window. Very few couples swap out which side of the bed they sleep on. Whichever side they begin with is “dibbed,” and usually becomes “your side” or “my side” forever. Once you give up the window seat, it’s gone for good. Hubs likes his head right underneath the open window. On nights I wanted fresh air, I’d have to crawl on top of him to get my face closer to the window. It took several years before he realized I wasn’t putting the midnight moves on him. He’s still hopeful.
- He’s a cuddler. I’m not. TV shows and movies love to show couples all snuggled up under fat down comforters, in full-body spooning positions that would overheat an ice fisherman in less than three minutes. Unless you’re doing it to prevent frostbite because you’re lost in the woods, it’s snowing, and you’re waiting for a rescue team, this position doesn’t work in real life. Hubs says he knows it’s time to sleep when he hears, “Get off me.” And they say romance is dead.
- I have restless leg syndrome. And I toss and turn. Sometimes all night long. Hubs regularly gets smacked in the head or gets an elbow in the eye, or more likely gets kicked in his pride and joy. He says he’s considered coming to bed in safety goggles and a helmet, and a protective cup on his junk because most of my kicks are unintentionally directed at his groin. Who needs pajamas?
- I like a warm room. He prefers to sleep in an igloo, where you can see your breath when you talk. Hubs will open the window and turn on a fan next to his side of the bed. In December. We’ve had snow in our bed on more than one winter morning. Oh hell, no.
- He likes the dogs sleeping in the big bed. I wouldn’t mind if they could be trained to sleep vertically, instead of horizontally. The same goes for the grandkids. Two Chihuahuas can push an adult human onto the floor, and little tykes like to sleep sideways on your head until you give up and relocate. By the third time I get shoved out of the bed, I’m up and hauling two tiny humans, each holding a Chihuahua, down the hall to the guest room.
- He snores. Loudly. All night long. I’m an extremely light sleeper. I’ll wake up at the first snort, and can’t go back to sleep until I’m bleary-eyed from exhaustion and my body just gives up. Hubs can take out three states when he gets going. There aren’t ear plugs or drugs available legally, anywhere, that will let me sleep through that decibel level. He wakes up in the morning with a big grin and a stretch, exclaiming “I had the best night’s sleep. How ’bout you?” Not a jury in the world would convict me…
- His favorite sleeping position is a wide X, with arms up overhead and legs spread wide. He looks like he’s making a 200-pound snow angel. This leaves me trying to curl into the tiny pie-shaped area under his right armpit and above his right knee, which is roughly enough space for an anorexic gerbil.
Studies tell us that the most common question couples get when they admit they sleep in separate beds is “What about your sex life?” Well, if your entire repertoire of foreplay consists of “We’re both in bed, we’re both naked, it’s dark outside, so what the hell, why not?” this might put a crimp in things. Yes, now it takes a little bit of effort. But the foreplay begins when one of you gets up and changes beds. It’s the “Your place or mine?” question, reminiscent of your dating years. And on those nights one of you isn’t feeling it, send a kiss across the bough and you’re free to sleep however you want. Your partner is three feet away, so if you wake up at 2 a.m. wanting to make a “Hey, Sailor” booty call, you don’t even need your phone. Just get up and tell him to scoot over. He’ll make room.
But every now and then, the family decides you’re due for a group cuddle.
Before Hubs and I figured out that two beds in the same room was a brilliant idea, I often slept down the hall in the guest room. One weekend, we had our two grandchildren for a sleepover. At bedtime, Hubs went to the master bedroom, I went to the guest room, and the two little ones curled up in their sleeping bags on the couch.
Sometime during the night, my grandson came into my room and whispered in my ear, “Grandma, can I sleep with you?” “Of course, sweetie. Hop in.” So he did.
Just as I was drifting off, my granddaughter peeked around the corner. “Grandma, I’m scared. Can I sleep with you?” “Um…Sure. Come on up.” So she did.
By now, my little bed was getting crowded and hot. When the children fell asleep, I tip-toed down the hall and crawled into bed with Hubs. I reached over to let him know I was there and felt two wet noses from our two Chihuahuas who were snuggled, horizontally of course, under the covers. Seriously? Okay, the big bed was out.
As I turned to go back to the guest room, the two grandkids were standing in the doorway, asking “Can we sleep with Grandpa and the puppies?” “Absolutely,” I smiled, thinking that now I might be able to sleep. I tucked them into the big bed, then snuck back down the hall to have a few hours of glorious sleep by myself.
I was this close to la-la land when Hubs woke up, came down the hall, and said, “Scoot over. I’ve got the two kids and both dogs in my bed. I’m sleeping in here with you.” Sigh. Fifteen minutes later, I opened my eyes to see both grandkids leaning close to my face and staring at me, waiting for me to wake up and scooch over so they could snuggle in with Grandma and Grandpa. By the time we all got situated, Chi Chi and Paco realized that all the humans were in the guest bed, so they came scrambling down the hall, jumped up and burrowed in.
Really, everybody??
But as I looked over at my tribe, I smiled and snuggled back under a tiny corner of the covers that wasn’t currently in use by another person or a four-legged fur baby. Breakfast was only two hours away.
((((sending to my husband)))))
I’ve moved into the guest bedroom for so many of these reasons. And he’s struggling not to take it as an insult :-) :-)
I know exactly how you feel, Carla! Early in our marriage, I began to sleep in the guest room a few nights a week, when I was just too tired to listen to another night of snoring. It was really hard for Hubs to understand that it wasn’t HIM. It was just that I need sleep! Thanks for commenting! :)
What a great giggle for a Monday morning…”anorexic gerbil” made me laugh out loud literally!
Thanks, girl!
You’re very welcome, Nancy! You just made my day! :)
I love this! My sleep patterns have changed a lot in my golden years. I am not averse to separate beds or bedrooms!
b
Thanks, Barbara! If the two of you can come to the same conclusion, it’s a brilliant idea. Try it and see! :)
Hmmm…food for thought (or sleep, as the case may be). And hysterically funny, as always.
Thanks, Roxanne! I always love seeing you on Laugh Lines! :)
It is a secret for a lot of couples but get real it is totally understandable. It’s just sleep nothing personal!
Absolutely, Haralee! Once both of you understand that the love is still there, and it’s not personal, it works great! :)
On Point exactly! P & I were just talking about this past week! And all of what you said is so true! Maybe instead of remodeling my kitchen, I may do my Bedroom!
Thanks, Cheryl! I always chuckle when people see our bedroom for the first, with it’s two gorgeous queen beds side-by-side. They look at me with one eyebrow raised, like “Is there something you need to tell us?” When they find out what we’re doing and why, they invariably respond with “We should try this at our house!” :)
I always look forward to your wonderful posts! David and I have a very large king size bed……so we are still good in one bed. My parents had two twins pushed together with twin sheets. My Mom didn’t move an inch when she slept….my Dad was an aerobic sleeper. I think one should find what works and do it! A good nights sleep is so important!
Thank you, Ellen! I’m with you. Whatever works. At a certain age, it’s not about needing to be side-by-side every moment of the day (or night). We all need sleep. Simple as that! :)
Regarding the twin beds with separate shets – in Europe a lot of beds for two people have separate comforters for each person. We adopted that idea and ended the constant tug of war. As far as switching to a king bed or two twins pushed together, we have considered that, but I soon realized that when we stay in hotels with a king bed, my DH still sleeps as far over on ‘my’ side of the bed as I will let him.
For those who are uncomfortable with separate beds or bedrooms, keep in mind that (1) it used to be a sign of wealth that married couples could afford to have separate rooms – take note of all those castles and mansions where the owners had separate suites, and (2) how much sense does it make that with kids we do everything we can to promote the idea that having one’s own room is the greatest, only to consign ourselves to interrupted sleep for our entire married lives? If sharing a bed with your partner is interfering with your sleep, there is nothing wrong with setting things up differently.
Thanks for the hearty laugh–as always. I can especially relate to #2 & 3. So far, my husband and I are in the same room still, but in a king-sized bed only. Once I’m ready for sleep, I don’t want to be touched–even with a pinky toe and even if I’m the one that moved into said toe. The couple of times hubs and I have been forced into a queen-sized bed while traveling have not ended well.
“…have not ended well.” Bahahaha! You crack me up, Christie! :)
I have my own bedroom, finally, and I love it. He’s a night owl and sleeps half the day. I get up at the crack of dawn afraid I’ll miss something. We each get a dog.
It actually works beautifully, doesn’t it Rebecca? :)
We’ve managed to resolve most of our sleep issues with a king size bed but when we travel and there’s a queen–oh boy! no joy! this summer we rented a condo with an extra bedroom [ostensibly for a one night visit from grandkids] and it was wonderful–I loved having my own room, reading late, opening the window wide [my hub likes a warm room] and just enjoying myself. a real vacation. but maybe that’s why it was so much fun.
You’re too funny, Penpen! It’s liberating, isn’t it? :)
I am trying to talk my husband into this . . . We’ve been together since 1986, so the honeymoon is over and all that. I need to be near him, I just don’t always want to be NEXT to him ????
Right on! I think this post should be required reading for all ‘women of a certain age’.
Just the chuckle I needed before I head down the hall and climb into bed with my husband where I sometimes wake up drenched in sweat just because we’re somewhere in close proximity. Which oddly enough never seemed to happen to me before menopause!
Thank you Vikki for helping to remove the stigma of sleeping apart. In my case it is separate rooms, not just separate beds, but for many of the reasons you list. In fact, we just slept together for the last couple of nights as we were out if town and I am exhausted.
hahahahaha I was smiling and giggling the whole way through that post! We have not moved to separate beds, but we did buy a king size bed and if we want we can get far enough away that the other is out of reach.
:) gwingal
Vikki, you never fail to tickle my funny bone! I just LOVE your sense of humor!
I love this idea. I am definitely not a cuddler and I also have restless leg syndrome. my husband gets it in the balls regularly. Love this as always Vikki!
Really enjoyed this look at all the reasons why. Sharing it in a roundup post to publish on 9-9-17.
Although compatible in so many other ways – our sleep habits are not aligned. I work days so I need to retire at a reasonable time. That time is usually before he gets home from his evening work so I’m asleep before he retires several hours later. If he doesn’t wake me up, all is good but if I do wake up when he’s crawling into bed – I’m done! I used to be able to sleep through anything but after being woken up, even his breathing can sound like a freight train and we won’t even talk about the snoring (getting worse every year). I haven’t heard of the same room / separate beds approach before. I don’t think separate beds would be enough for me though because it’s more about the noise he makes. We may eventually have to go to separate rooms. But, with only 3 bedrooms in the house, we need to wait for one of the “kids” to leave permanently. As for the dog, no question that she will choose his bed every time.