Making lists of spring cleaning chores to get the house, the yard, and my car cleaned up for summer, and it made me wonder why I wasn’t doing the same for ME. I looked down at my body and peered into the mirror at my face, and decided I needed the same summer tune-up the rest of my life got every spring. I’ve got more miles on me than my car, so if IT needed help, God knows I did. Called up a local spa and booked a 5-hour “Rejuvenation Package” for half a month’s salary, promising to put the glow back in my face and the shimmy back in my shaker.
When I arrived, I was ushered into the softly lit back room, with the sounds of baby whales and lightly cascading waterfalls in the background. I was handed a plush, soft terrycloth robe (I’m SO taking this home) and instructed to leave my clothes and personal belongings with Brooke, who would store while I was having my “experience.”
First stop was the Weigh-In room. Since I ALWAYS weigh in naked (do you know how many pounds clothes can add? Or sneakers? Or hair gel?), I balked, not ready for Helga to see what I don’t show the neighbors. If I’d have know then what I would know 5 hours later, when Helga would know more about me than Kenny did, I would have dropped that robe and stepped up without a backward glance. At that moment, however, I still had a shred of dignity intact. That wouldn’t last.
Next stop, the Mud Bath. Large vats of, well…mud, that I was instructed to sit in (yes, still naked) to “detoxify” my pores and rid my body of poisons from my recent trip to The Burrito Palace and last night’s second bottle of wine. 20 minutes later, I may be detoxed, but I’ve got mud in places Helga was never going to get it out of, and we headed for the Wrap Room.
Helga raved about the youthful properties of the seaweed wrap, designed to “sweat out impurities and excess water” (maybe it’ll get to that leftover mud, but I’m not sure God himself could find it at this point), while she proceeded to paint me in green gunk which I assumed was the “seaweed” portion of the seaweed wrap, then tightly wrappeded me in giant sheets of saran wrap until I look like a shrink-wrapped bratwurst. She helped me lie down, then dimmed the lights and told me she’d return in 30 minutes. It was at this point I realized I had to pee.
I’m not talking “Gee, at the next gas station, could you pull over?” kind of have-t0, but the “I’ve got to pee RIGHT FREAKING NOW” kind of have-to. I looked frantically around the room for a bell or some way to call her back, but the door was shut tight and I was sucked tight as a Space Saver bag, so I did the only thing I could. I peed. In the seaweed wrap. What the hell, there was at least 4 pounds of sweat and impurities already inside the damn thing, just waiting to be hosed off. If Helga knew, she never mentioned it. She’s so getting a big tip.
Next up, the Waxing Room. Helga laid out half a dozen paint brushes, then brushed hot wax on my eyebrows and upper lip. A minute or so later, she rips my tiny hairs out by their screaming follicles, and repeats the process on my legs. (Apparently youth is best exhibited by one’s resemblance to a hairless cat.) Then I saw her eyeing my lady parts. Oh, hell no. Since I haven’t worn a bikini in roughly 3 decades, and I’m never planning to go to Brazil, I told her to just get that thought out of her mind.
After the facial (an hour of Helga glaring at my pores through a 5000x magnifier, “tsk, tsk’ing” while she attacked them with a tiny weed whacker), and the mani/pedi (pumicing so much skin off my feet, I felt like I’d been on a Tony Robbins fire walk), we were done.
Helga was right. I did look 5 years younger, and I positively glowed in the dark. I figure if I do this 7 more times, I’ll look 20 years old. I might have to rethink that Brazilian bikini wax after all.
Ohhh you so made me laugh today-I’ve never weighed in at a spa but if I did, they’d start the Shamu treatment on me right away!
Seriously, I was finally eating breakfast when I read this and so not wanting to think of the scale right about now, lol!!
Do you get fresh mud or do they make you share? :)
HA HA HA!! This is the best story ever!! LOVE IT!-The Dose Girls
Love this!!!
I didn’t realize the title of your post was literal – too funny!
Vikki – I LOVE your sense of humor! I was laughing all the way through this….sometimes those spas can totally strip you of any modicum of modesty!
Here’s hoping Helga doesn’t blog!
Or maybe…
You’re the best. You inspire even when you don’t intend to, I mean spring clean up myself – yes, please, pee in the seaweed instead of hold it in for 30 minutes and suffer through the whole thing? You’ve got your priorities right and always SO funny!
Five hours sounds more like a job than a relaxing experience. Maybe i just think that because I used to give people wraps in a spa. I don’t think anyone ever peed in the wrap, but sometimes it’s hard to tell.
How lovely and awful at the same time!
Hilarious! I was actually eagerly reading because I was thinking about having one myself, but now, I’m just crossing my legs and wincing! :D
Ha! You know, reading this is making me want to go to the spa, pain and all.
This was hilarious! Great post Vikki!
Only you Vikki, only you…I tried a wrap once and yeah, the whole naked thing freaked me out. I think you have to be the kind of gal who walks around the gym locker room butt naked. That’s not me. And why are these spa women always named Helga??!!
Absolutely hilarious and a better example of what it’s really like to go to the spa than those silly ads would lead you to believe. Mud in places it was never intended, lol.
Love it Vikki never thought of going to a spa. Maybe I will just head for the slough. Lots of good mud there. Hey an it has swamp grass. Nice animal sound. I may not come home Glowing. Might smell more like turtle poo but hey they already call me tHe slough lady. Glad you had fun an gave use a good laugh. Keep up the good work
ROFL Vikki! Remind me to just stick the massages. I don’t think I could take a seaweed wrap, being the frequent pee-er that I am. Or mud in places it shouldn’t be. This was a riot, thanks for sharing with us! :-D
Since I have to pee like, every 10 minutes since menopause struck, I am NEVER, EVER getting a sea weed wrap!!!
HAHAHAAH! This so reminded me of the time I got a tandem massage at an Ayurvedic spa in Iowa. And tandem there meant two gals massaging, not my husband and I on separate tables. The massage was heavenly. But … these gals touched EVERYTHING! All that was missing was the “happy ending.” Good thing I am not a shy gal!
If you ever DO try the Brazilian wax? Please do let us know how it goes. I can’t imagine….plus, I would like to read your writing on it :)
Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go. Love it. And good for you taking care of yourself! We all need to do that more! Found ya from the Honest Voices linkup. Nice to “meet” you. :)
I never step on a scale at a spa. I have a limit to my beauty regime (denial works wonders), though your day sounds like it’s just up my ally- if ya know what I mean.
You are one funny lady; I was giggling throughout.
Peeing in the sea-weed wrap. Classy!
That sounds awesome. Especially since the wonder twin powers of my dog/husband woke me up at 3:30 and right now I look like something a cat barfed up. A Plague Cat. If that’s a thing.
And hair products! That’s the extra 10 I’ve been trying to lose! DUH! THANK YOU!
How Funny!! When you gotta go, you gotta go. I have never had a spa experience, after hearing the part about the mud I am now more reluctant than ever. :)
Oh Good Lord! I’ve had one of those rejuvenation package spa day mud treatment thingys… It’s the oddest feeling. Can’t say I peed in it. I think you win the award for that one ;)
Thanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up.
Oh you brave woman! Loved reading about your spa day but I think it convinced me to never do it! Ha!
Oh thank God, girl. I thought the sushi bar had banned you for life or something. So funny! I love how they call these “experiences” too. So – Helga? New BFF or what?
So funny!! And I am beyond jealous of your spa day!!!!
I don’t know if I am jealous of your spa day or sorry that you were tortured. Was Helga a former prison guard?
Haha! This made me giggle. Oh how funny. I’m a new follower through Twitter.
Peeing certainly has become an urgent thing for me lately too. WTHeck.
Ican always count on you to make me laugh and smile.
You so beautifully express why I don’t get mud baths! I always wonder how the hell it comes out of every nook and cranny. Do not want hubby to spelunk….
You scared me away from the spa with mud and seaweed!
I love a spa day. I’ve only done the wrap thing twice, though. Thankfully, I didn’t have to pee when I was all tied up.
Laughed out loud! Wonderful!
While you are enjoying your spa experience, I will be basking in the glow of doing my deferred taxes. I know, I know. Hard to top that.