Finally admitting defeat with a seemingly simple, but annoying computer glitch, I called Dell’s “Award-Winning Customer Service Department.” (Not sure who judged THAT particular contest, but they should be summarily fired, then forced to spend their remaining days fixing computer problems with nothing but Dell’s service techs as help. Some things just need payback.)
Naturally, my award winner is Akmed in Sri Lanka, eager to try out his new online diploma in English-as-a-9th-Language, and we spend the next 20 MINUTES trying to spell “Claflin.” (Apparently the “C-as-in-Cat, L-as-in-Lola, A-as-in-‘amma gonna kill myself’…” approach is futile since he doesn’t know how to spell any of my “as-ins,” thus defeating the entire process.) Repeated attempts to just get a quick answer to my question were met with “Oh no, ma’am. We need this FIRST, so we can look up your account.”
Moving on to my address, where we cuddle up for ANOTHER 20 minutes because apparently there’s no Sinhalan equivalent to “Lois Drive” and since we’re not Skyping, he can’t see me act it out like The Village People flash-mobbing Y-M-C-A.
Perilously close to reaching through the phone and smacking him up ‘long side his award-winning head, I finally hear “We’re almost done with your information, ma’am. I just need your computer serial number.” Suspecting the answer, I slowly asked him, “And where would that be?” “It’s on the back of your hard drive, ma’am.” “SERIOUSLY?? You want me to crawl on the floor, somehow get behind my hard drive, and read those 2-font numbers to you?? Can’t I just ask my question first, and you can tell me if this is all necessary??” “Oh no, ma’am. We need this information FIRST.” FINE.
Phone in one hand, flashlight in the other, I hunker down underneath my desk and crawl behind the hard drive to get the magic serial number, which promises to unlock the secret gates of ACTUAL CUSTOMER SERVICE, which I repeat to obviously dyslexic Akmed. (And by “repeat,” I mean say over and over again until I’m hoarse, lying on the floor, neck cramping, sneezing out dust bunnies, ready to shoot him, myself, or my computer, thus ending this misery for at least ONE of us), when I hear “Uh oh” from my new BFF.
UH OH???
“Yes, ma’am. Thank you for all your information. I have your file ready to transfer to our tech support department.” (Oh dear God, YOU aren’t even tech support??) “Unfortunately, it appears your warranty has expired. For a $45 fee, I’d be happy to transfer you to our billing department, who will process your payment, then transfer you to tech support. But before I transfer you, is there anything else I can do for you, ma’am?” Anything else? ANYTHING ELSE?? You haven’t done anything YET. “Ma’am? Are you still there? Ma’am??” Ma’am has hung up and left the building.
They say every cloud has a silver lining. They’re right. Buh-bye, Dell. Hello, iPad.
WeezaFish says
Oo about time too! People the world over are saying “bye bye Dell, hello iPad”. Wish I was *sulk*
Vikki Claflin says
Louise, it took me some time to get here, but even Kenny caved after this experience and said go get one! :)
Kate (Nested) says
Yay iPad! I HATED Carter’s Dell laptop – it was terrible! And I also hated spending two hours on the phone with a man who insisted that his name was Chuck. Don’t lie, sir. I know your name isn’t Chuck. And I know you’re not answering phones in Tampa. I’m FINE with it, but let’s share a little honesty, hmmm?
Vikki Claflin says
Good morning, Kate! Yes, I’m quite excited about getting my new iPad! And loved your post today…I want to join your motorcycle club! Can we get tshirts? :)
Rachael McGimpsey says
Ha! This was so funny!
I remember talking to an Avon representative once who asked me to spell my name so, R-A-C…. she said with a “B”?… I said no with a “C”… she said with a “D”?
That’s when I hung up and decided not to sell Avon after all.
Vikki Claflin says
Thanks, Rachael! We’re not asking a lot here. Learn to speak the language of your customers! (And Avon missed out! :)
Daniel Nest says
Ouch, hate experiences like these. But hey – it made for a funny post the rest of us can laugh at ;) Hmmm, somehow I doubt that makes you feel any better!
For the record – I was never a fan of Dell. We previously had them as our company computers and let’s just say they single-handedly kept our IT department busy and employed!
Vikki Claflin says
Thanks, Daniel! Actually, as long as I can laugh at it, it really does make me feel better (almost as good as smashing my Dell onto the kitchen counter until it was no more…now THAT’S therapy!)
Sam says
I think you and mom need to catch up, both of you are ready to throw the computer out the window. Th only problem is, if she switched to an Ipad, she would be able to actually throw it out the window the first time she couldn’t figure something out ;)
Vikki Claflin says
I would LOVE to get together with Lisa (and you!) to beat up on our computers! And it WOULD be easier to Frisbee an iPad than a laptop…Hmmm. Thanks for commenting, Sam!
Janine Huldie says
Vikki, this was a fantastic post and actually reminded me of why I did get my original MacBook. I had had a Dell Computer that needed to be fixed and Dell pretty much had given me a similar run around story. So not worth it and ended up with a MacBook, iPad, and iPhone, too. And have never been happier!!
Vikki Claflin says
Thanks, Janine! Yep, time to move on… :) Dell is making me kwazy! Thanks for commenting!