Hubs has always been super fit. He’s a natural athlete who excels at everything he tries (yeah, like that’s never annoying), and he’s been in construction for 30 years, so he has no need for pedestrian things like treadmills and rowing machines at home. For years, he’s been able to buy jeans simply by size. Dressing rooms are an enigma this man. “Why do people need to try these on?” he asks, looks slightly confused. “There’s a size label right on the back.” I grit my teeth and try to explain that, unlike most women, men have no need to haul 14 pairs in 12 different fits and 7 brands into a stuffy dressing room, jumping up and down to hike them up and hating them all, until we finally give up, sweaty and defeated, leaving the entire pile in a twisted heap on the floor as we exit the store in our yoga pants, empty-handed, doing the walk of shame to the nearest wine bar. Well, maybe not all women. Okay, maybe just me.
But over the last few years, Hubs has, well…gotten older. Like many men, he’s finding that middle age, while bringing a certain level of wisdom and inner peace, can also come with physical changes that they don’t always anticipate or prepare for. Hubs just assumed that he’d always look like he did in college. All buffed, defined, and hot.
Women know better. Menopause hits us like a speeding Mac truck, letting us know in no uncertain terms that we are no longer young. We’re fully aware that we will forever battle with butts and boobs heading south with the determination of migrating geese in the winter. We’re prepared for the sudden appearance of back fat and chin hair. We sigh over the inevitable weight gain, and regularly inspect the backs of our thighs like zealous Pinkerton agents, pinching for fat clumps we know everybody else can see, even if we can’t.
Women prepare for midlife in a number of ways. Almost every woman I know over 40 has a minimum of two sizes in her closet. Her “skinny clothes” and her “fat clothes.” Some women have three or four size options. In the same closet. Choices on any given day depend on our weight, our mood, and our confidence levels.
Hubs can get dressed in a blackout. He reaches into his closet, grabs something that feels like jeans, tosses on a t-shirt and his one pair of sneakers, and he’s good to go. No lighting necessary. And not even a glance in a mirror on his way out. (But I’m not jealous. Really, I’m not.)
However, this last year, he had a little taste of “life on the other side.”
One morning, he sat down at breakfast and announced we were going shopping. It seemed that all his jeans were too tight. “Are you using a different laundry soap?” he asked, looking befuddled when his couldn’t button his beloved 501s. “It’s not the soap, sweetie,” I replied, “You need a 36.” “How is that possible?” he stuttered, ” I wear a 34.” “No,” I said, “you wore a 34. You wear a 36.” “Well,” he sighed, “This just sucks.” He wasn’t happy about it, and neither of us mentioned it again. Until the 36s didn’t fit.
We were shopping for some trousers for an upcoming event, and the sales guy looked at Hubs and smiled, “So, Sir, a 38 pant?” Oh, crap. Hubs looked horrified, grabbed me by the arm and hauled me into the dressing room. “A 38 pant?” he whispered, “Is he kidding me??” “Well, honey,” I scrambled for an answer that wouldn’t hurt his feelings but was still grounded in reality (he had been hitting the late-night Ben & Jerry’s pretty hard that winter), “It’s not about you. Lots of clothes are made in Taiwan now. The fit models are tiny little people, so their 38 and our 38 can be very different. Plus, there’s a lot of play in seam allowances. You need to just ignore the size label and go for the fit.” (Seriously, by now I was starting to babble.) “So do you think I’m fat??” he insisted. “No!” I said, “You’ve just put on a little weight because you’re less active and a little older. Nothing to worry about.” “Well,” he humphed,”As long as you don’t think I’m fat.” “Absolutely not,” I reassured him as best I could, “Honest.”
Eventually, Hubs got busy again at work and his weight returned to a more normal range. Then recently, as we were weeding out our closets, he found the pants he bought on that fateful day. He held them up, pulled them wide, and announced, “Look at these! Wow, these fit me last year.” “Uh huh,” I replied, trying quickly to change the subject because I knew where it was going. He looked over me, frowning, “You said I wasn’t fat. These are for a fat person. I was fat, wasn’t I?” “Well, fat is a subjective term,” I stammered. “And what was all that crap about ‘tiny Taiwanese people?” he demanded, “It doesn’t matter if they’re tiny. They were making clothes for big ol’ Americans, in a size 38, which I wore. And that seam allowance thing?? I believed you.” “Well, what was I supposed to say?” as I frantically tried to defend myself. “I asked you if I was fat, and you said no,” he accused, “Why didn’t you tell me??” “Because you never tell a fat person they’re fat,” I replied, “Every woman knows that. That’s just mean. But now that you’re not fat anymore, I can tell you. Holy crap, you were a chunky monkey.”
“You have no credibility anymore,” he grumbled, “But should I save these, just in case I ever get ‘not fat’ again?” “Can’t hurt,” I smiled, “You can just put them in the bottom drawer with mine.”
Fat pants. Apparently they’re not just for women anymore.
Too funny! You might be the next Joan Rivers, without the rough edges. The motto at our house was “we need to find a new dry cleaner,” before we actually worked off the generational weight gain. I have read that the current size 10 for women is really the former size 12., rather disheartening news. Best to rejoice that your husband understands the necessity of dual wardrobes!
Thanks, Judith! I know how you feel about the changing of sizes. I read that Marilyn Monroe wore a size 14, which was reassuring until I read that HER size 14 was OUR size 10-12. I love Chicos. There, I’m a 1. :)
Lololol!!!! Tiny Taiwanese people!!! Seam allowances. Is there no end to your hilarity? And your last line… Please make a meme!!!!
Thank you, Stephanie! I love that you laughed. Great to see you on Laugh Lines!
Too funny! I love that he believed what you said, and really it did sound completely credible to me! The he got busy and lost the weight, men can loose weight so quickly it is so irritating! Just for that ability all men should have fat pants.
I agree, Haralee! Even if it’s just to make us feel better, husbands should have a “fat section” in their closets. It would be great show of support! :)
I still remember the days I wore 501’s with such longing. They went to the kid when he was in jr. high. Husband says he has been wearing the same size since high school, I think not. He just isn’t wearing his glasses when we are at the store, I get them for him….should he trust me?
Cate, if he’s not wearing his glasses, get him the size he wears and if he notices, tell him it’s a typo! :)
I do!
I remember when my husband went through that transition. He thought he could have a milkshake every day without gaining a pound and then got upset when I shrunk his pants. But, that was a long time ago. :)
Carol, isn’t it interesting that somehow it’s something WE did. Yeah, like I wanted to let you know you were getting chubby, so I purposely shrunk all your clothes. :)
I really enjoyed that! Still smiling. I have also had some of those same conversations.
Thanks, Krista! Loved your post on “Weekend at the Baby Spa”! Am I too old to be a guest at your house next weekend? :)
Little Taiwanese people! LOL! I’ve always believed my husband thinks fat is grounds for divorce. I’ll have to tell him the Taiwanese make women’s clothing, too. HA!
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You crack me up, Barbara! Those Taiwanese people are tiny, and they DO make clothes for women, so our Hubs’ need to know it’s not our fault! :)
When I worked as an in-home personal trainer I’d sometimes train husbands and wives. The men would do a few crunches, cut out a pat of butter and lose 5 lbs in a week, while the wives would struggle. One woman got so tired of it she’d sabotage her husband’s sandwiches with mayo — and he still lost weight faster! Made for very fun sessions :).
Linda, I think I love that woman! It’s just NOT FAIR that they can lose weight on pizza-with-everything, and we have to remove the pepperoni AND the cheese. :)
Every size in Husby’s drawer from 34 right up to 42. Every size. He understands women. Believe me . . .
Diane, your Husby is a rebel! :)
Bahahahaha! Welcome to the club Kenny! This is great Vikki! I am so guilty of the 3-4 sizes in my closet. My hubby says, “Why?” “You know that you’ll just go out and buy new clothes either way!” He is absolutely right so why do we torture ourselves with the maybe someday and just in case?
Hey Goddess, you’re absolutely right. Why DO we have 3+ sizes in our closets when we’ve weighed the same thing for the past 15 years? No wonder men don’t understand us. We don’t either! :)
Another great post..I am laughing so hard! I see my hubby in this article and in some of the comments.
Thanks, Pamela! Always a pleasure to hear that I could bring you some laughter. :)
LOL!!! Totally cracking up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks, Lynne! Love seeing you here on Laugh Lines! :)
So funny! Yeah I have 3 – 4 sizes in my wardrobe and Hubby has 2. When we diet together he always loses faster but cheats more – so frustrating.
Tamuria, they ALWAYS lose weight faster than we do. What is UP with that?? :)
This is hilarious, I snorted my wine! Here’s a fun fact for you and ammo for the conversation. Ready to wear non stretch pants often have the waistband cut incorrectly because it is less costly. Most people know that our jeans shrink to some degree in length, well if the waistband is cut along the same line it too will shrink. Best case, you want your waistband at a 45 degree angle (when compared to the legs) because that is the greatest degree of stretch.
Thanks, Mac. Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for the tip! Now salespeople everywhere will be wondering we’re all holding out jeans up and measure waistband angles! :)
Vikki, I smiled the entire time reading this. I am just past menopause and yes, to all of the above. The chin hair is creeping me out. My grandmother had chin hair! My hubby and I have been having the same conversation about his pant size. I feel as if I were watching my own life through you two. This is great.
Thanks, Lynda! Menopause can be rough, but at least we’re somewhat prepared. Men always claim they had no idea there were “side effects” to growing older! :)
OMG! I
OMG! I am sorry I hit the wrong button. Please delete the first comment! I was laughing my butt off at this because I spent Friday night and most of Monday looking for pants to fit my husband after he busted out of his 34’s at work Friday! We had to get some 36’s so this was perfect timing for me!
I love this! “Fat pants. They’re not just for women”
We struggle so much with our appearance as we get older. Men seem so much less challenged.
By the way, you’re a knockout.
Thank you, Samara! You’ll have me smiling all day!
‘You have no credibility anymore’- This cracked me up. You two are perfect for each other. Another hilarious post from you. Thank you.
Real life is so funny. Empathy from here !