In the ongoing and age-old battle for equality between the sexes, women have recently achieved a new victory. It seems that Science has determined that men aren’t the only sex that experiences a midlife crisis. Studies show that women are just as likely as their Hubs’ to take a little reality detour between the ages of 40-60.
This is good news, ladies.
Historically, he got to shave his head, start hitting the gym every night, buy a Porsche, and take up weekend hang-gliding with a leggy, blonde, 22-year-old instructor named Trixie. We suffered quietly (or not) through hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, and hips spreading faster than hot marshmallows over a campfire.
Before science leveled the playing field, when a man woke up one morning and decided to upend his entire life with new priorities and pursuits, friends and family would simply sigh and tell each other, “He’s just going through that midlife thing. Be patient.” Essentially an adult version of “Boys will be boys.”
If we got up one day and chopped our hair off, scheduled an overdue boob lift/tummy tuck combo, and sold all of our clothes to pay for a hunky Sherpa to hike us through the Himalayas, there’d be a swift and strenuous intervention by loved ones trying to bring us back to sanity. But now science has provided us an excuse.
It’s not our fault.
But how do we know if we’re going through an actual midlife crisis, or if we’re just bored and need to change the color scheme in the master bedroom?
1. You often fantasize about a simpler life. Suddenly, you start noticing you have too much crap, too many obligations, too much debt. Just too much. You start looking at perennially sunny and laid-back tropical islands as potential homes, not vacation destinations, while quietly offing everything in your garage, attic, or storage unit to friends and family. Marriage counselors suggest that this can actually be healthy as long as you’re only giving away your stuff.
2. You’re bored with things that you used to enjoy. Everything feels like “been there, done that.” Movies, books, travel, your weekly bowling league, your home, your partner, your sex life. Nothing seems exciting anymore. We’re assuming here that you’re not much fun right now either, which, if nothing else, explains your boring sex life.
3. You’re looking up ex-partners on Facebook. Reminiscing about old loves and wistfully remembering the intensity of young love. Never mind that those were the crazy years, when you dumped that loser for sleeping with your sister. And your mom.
4. You read obituaries, looking for old classmates. And you become slightly irritated when the notice doesn’t tell you how or why they died. How can you tell yourself it won’t happen to you if you don’t know what “it” is? Who cares if the family “wants to keep it private.” Seriously, that’s just selfish.
5. You’re angry at your spouse for keeping you tied down. Yes, we all know that you could have been a Grammy-winning country superstar if Hubs hadn’t gotten you drunk and knocked you up at 19, killing your dreams. Since it would be difficult for Hubs to achieve this feat by himself while you were out feeding the homeless, we’re assuming you participated at least marginally in the premature demise of your epic stardom.
6. You suddenly desire a new, more passionate relationship, often with someone much younger. Yeah, this one always ends well. It’s the sexual equivalent of cleaning your house by tossing a grenade into your living room. Exciting for a moment, but results in massive cleanup and casualties when it’s over.
7. You experience symptoms of bipolar ambition. Some days, you’re a tweaked-out squirrel, manically trying to get ‘er done before you die, locking yourself in your office, with emphatic instructions to the family that unless there’s blood or fire, “do not come through this door.” Other days, you stay curled up on the couch, with bunny slippers and bed hair, watching Little House (yes, all 10 seasons), because what’s the use? You’re a big fat loser, and you’re never going to accomplish anything anyway.
8. You’ve developed a new obsession with exercise and nutrition. You suddenly realize that your sedentary, chemically processed lifestyle over the past 50 years is probably going to catch up with you. By Thursday. So now you’re determined to run five miles every morning, and cut out gluten, carbs, fats, dairy, salt, and all alcohol, including cough syrup and mouthwash. Congratulations. You’ve just added a year to your life, but you’re now bitchy and have no friends.
9. You’re on a quest to look young again. As seen in the faces of many Hollywood stars, the relentless pursuit of youth appears to be a choice between looking fifty and looking freaky. Over-lifted, over-Botoxed, over-tightened, and over-tucked, with foreheads that don’t move and boobs that don’t bounce, we now look vain and stupid, not young. At 50, youth is no longer at option. Class and style, however, are timeless.
So what do we do when we hit that midlife oh-my-God-I’ll-never-be-young-again wall?
Stall on any life-changing decisions. “Hubs left the toilet seat up for the 10,000th time and last time, and now I’m leaving his loser ass” will not roll back the years.
Hang out with girlfriends, especially the good ones that nourish your soul. If it’s happening to you, it’s probably happening to some of them. Good girlfriends can keep us sane (and keep our marriages and careers intact) during an insane time.
Find a cause. My mother always told us, “If you’re having a problem you can’t seem to fix, go out and help someone else with theirs.” Works every time.
Be patient. Your Himalayan Sherpa would say, “This, too, shall pass.” And it’s so much nicer when you come out the other side and discover that your life, surprisingly, is actually pretty good.
This was an eye-opener! And it explains so much when I simply thought I might me losing me mind.
Thanks, Sandy! Now we can cheerfully admit, we’re all just slightly insane! :)
Well said!! I am all about the simplicity right now.
Thank you, Paula! Simplicity gets more appealing every year, doesn’t it? :)
OMG, bipolar ambition! A hoot! Great post and rings true to me, for sure. Happy Monday!
Carol, at least now I have a name for my affliction! :)
So there is no gender inequality after all!
Roxanne, we’re narrowing the gap every day! :)
OH my, I think I may be in trouble, a need for an intervention or a Sherpa!
Rena, I’m thinking a tall, dark, hunky Sherpa, just until the crisis passes! :)
I am with you on every single one of these things, so I am clearly having my own little midlife crisis. I love the way you paint such a vivid picture w/words: “…..take up weekend hang-gliding with a leggy, blonde, 22-year-old instructor named Trixie.” So funny and so very relatable.
Thanks, Claudia! We’ve all been there. It’s one of those things that’s funny in retrospect! :)
Marathon “The Walking Dead” and a bag of Lindor chocolate, not my fault!
We’re with you, Cate! We’ll deny, deny, deny! :)
All right, I’ve got rid of all the junk in our house. Where do I sign up for my Porsche?
Karen, car lots should have an annual Women’s Midlife Crisis sales on all of their sports cars! :)
Check, check and check! All of the above – thanks so much for letting me know I’m not completely losing it :)
All I can do is nod in agreement..
Thanks, Michelle! :)
I could swear that most of my girlfriends are in this phase right now…I had my mid-life crisis a few years ago so now I’m the advice-giver to all my friends. :) I have one friend I’m particularly worried about — she could mark off every “symptom” on your list — and I’m afraid she may not make it to the other side with her marriage intact…if only she could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I’m afraid her new eye-lift and incessant botox may prevent her from the proper perspective.:)
Emily, I’m sure more than one marriage has been lost to either his or hers (or both) midlife crises. If we’d just wait it out, it would pass, but nooooo. That’s when we get into trouble! :)
Sage advice. I wrote a blog about #4 because of course I want to know how they died!
Yikes I bumped into someone from my past and she had to tell me who she was because she was so unrecognizable to me in a bad plastic surgery sort of way #9. She then introduced me to her grown son and her new husband and I almost got them confused #6!
Haralee, I’m with you! Bad cosmetic surgery is SO much worse than no cosmetic surgery. A classic case of “If a little is good, a lot is NOT better!” :)
No wonder I’ve been looking at boob job ads!!
Your post AND life are pretty good. Right now Babuska’s going through the “got too much junk, but can’t bear to throw any away” stage… ; ) BB2U
10. You just spent 20 minutes creating and drooling over a Pinterest board dedicated to The Walking Dead’s Norman Reedus. Wait – what?
Bless ya for adding solution potential at the end there. I like your mom’s find a cause. I’m off to find a cause. Plenty of options around me I just know.
Wow, this totally describes how I feel!
My wife is in the midst of this mayhem and it’s not fair! She’s had her menopause, which I endured, and now it’s mid-life crisis. Like admission to the snooker room at the golf club, mid-life crises should remain a male-only experience!
Uh oh. I’ve got at least four of those.
My first time to your blog but it will not be my last. You hit the nail on the head with this post. I think we all go through a midlife thing. I like to call it re accessing my ways, lol. Mind you I never thought about a Himalayan hunk, as us women do not take it as far as men do. I know of a 70 year ld in our town who is with a 24yo so my question is ” is she nuts” as it is not as if he has anything to offer! Have a great week!
Welcome, Jennifer! I’m glad my post connected with you! And I guess we’ll just never know what brings two people together. My mother always says “There’s a seat for every butt.” :)
I think that mid life crisis has been seen as a bad thing for too long. I think it is time we enbraced it positively as a sign we are moving into a new stage of life. Maybe we have different priorities. Maybe we want different things. Maybe it is a wake up call that we have settled for mediocrity and life is far too short for that!!
So I guess mid life stuff is a bit like “The Force’ from Star Wars – there is a dark side AND a light side. I suggest we all choose wisely! May the mid life force be with you!