9:00 a.m.: OMG. Out in the garage, where I’ve officially discovered the coolest tool EVER. It’s called a “Sawzall,” and it apparently does EVERYTHING. Chops, slices, dices, buzzes, and trims pretty much everything that can’t outrun you. Getting out our Home Project List to see where this little stroke of genius might come in handy. Hmmm.
1:30 p.m.: First of all, power tools are, historically, not my friends. While it’s true the Sawzall is a great multi-tasker, it also has an annoying habit of doing things you DON’T want it to do, at exactly the time you don’t want it to do them. Well, crap.
Somewhere between 9 a.m. and 1:30 p.m…
#1. Fill dog food shaker. Struggled to open one of those ridiculous 20-lb bags of doggie kibbles, but absolutely no amount of ripping or tearing would pull the open-tab across the top and the box cutter blades kept breaking, so thought I’d just buzz the top of the bag off with the Sawzall. Worked like a hot knife through butter, until it “jumped” near the end and sawed the bag in half VERTICALLY, spraying kibble for 10 feet in every direction, covering my car and every tool in the garage. Used Kenny’s shop vac to suck up 20 lbs of Tiny Bites, which is now completely jammed. Okay, this one’s going to be tough to explain.
#2. Lower the coffee table so it’s more symmetrical with the couch. Flip the coffee table on its back and mark the legs an inch from the bottom. Fire up the Sawzall and go ninja on the four wooden legs. Hiiii-YA! Unfortunately, I quickly learned that STARTING at the 1″ mark doesn’t mean ENDING at the 1″ mark, when I ended up with 4 distinctly slanted cuts. By the time I evened them out (a little off this side, a little off that side), my favorite coffee table was 8″ above the floor and was now an ottoman.
#3. Fix a sticky wooden door by doing something Kenny calls “planing” the top. Get up on a ladder, flip on the Sawzall, and hold it up over my head (worst idea, ever) to give the top of the door a little military shave. Losing my balance, I topple over backwards, managing to toss the Sawzall out the open window into the grass before I tumble onto the hardwood floor in a tangled heap of limbs and ladder. I can still hear that stupid thing buzzing in the yard. I swear it’s laughing at me.
Kenny should be home shortly. Here’s hoping sequential cold beers, a dazzling smile, and an entire season of “Sons of Anarchy” will keep him occupied until I can blow that table saw wannabe into tiny bits with my 12-gauge and bury its body parts in the alley. If anyone asks, Paco killed a mouse and I’m just helping him rest in peace. Go with God, Sawzi. Until we meet again…