9:00 a.m.: OMG. Out in the garage, where I’ve officially discovered the coolest tool EVER. It’s called a “Sawzall,” and it apparently does EVERYTHING. Chops, slices, dices, buzzes, and trims pretty much everything that can’t outrun you. Getting out our Home Project List to see where this little stroke of genius might come in handy. Hmmm.
1:30 p.m.: First of all, power tools are, historically, not my friends. While it’s true the Sawzall is a great multi-tasker, it also has an annoying habit of doing things you DON’T want it to do, at exactly the time you don’t want it to do them. Well, crap.
Somewhere between 9 a.m. and 1:30 p.m…
#1. Fill dog food shaker. Struggled to open one of those ridiculous 20-lb bags of doggie kibbles, but absolutely no amount of ripping or tearing would pull the open-tab across the top and the box cutter blades kept breaking, so thought I’d just buzz the top of the bag off with the Sawzall. Worked like a hot knife through butter, until it “jumped” near the end and sawed the bag in half VERTICALLY, spraying kibble for 10 feet in every direction, covering my car and every tool in the garage. Used Kenny’s shop vac to suck up 20 lbs of Tiny Bites, which is now completely jammed. Okay, this one’s going to be tough to explain.
#2. Lower the coffee table so it’s more symmetrical with the couch. Flip the coffee table on its back and mark the legs an inch from the bottom. Fire up the Sawzall and go ninja on the four wooden legs. Hiiii-YA! Unfortunately, I quickly learned that STARTING at the 1″ mark doesn’t mean ENDING at the 1″ mark, when I ended up with 4 distinctly slanted cuts. By the time I evened them out (a little off this side, a little off that side), my favorite coffee table was 8″ above the floor and was now an ottoman.
#3. Fix a sticky wooden door by doing something Kenny calls “planing” the top. Get up on a ladder, flip on the Sawzall, and hold it up over my head (worst idea, ever) to give the top of the door a little military shave. Losing my balance, I topple over backwards, managing to toss the Sawzall out the open window into the grass before I tumble onto the hardwood floor in a tangled heap of limbs and ladder. I can still hear that stupid thing buzzing in the yard. I swear it’s laughing at me.
Kenny should be home shortly. Here’s hoping sequential cold beers, a dazzling smile, and an entire season of “Sons of Anarchy” will keep him occupied until I can blow that table saw wannabe into tiny bits with my 12-gauge and bury its body parts in the alley. If anyone asks, Paco killed a mouse and I’m just helping him rest in peace. Go with God, Sawzi. Until we meet again…
And this is why I stay away from the power tools. Seriously, this was hysterical and can tell you I would be afraid to go near the sawzall, lol!!
I am too scared to touch a power tool, did use a electric screwdriver once, but my husband says that doesn’t count.
Very funny post and how is the new ottoman working for you?
I’m so glad that when you fell that the Sawzall went out the window! It could have ended so badly! You, like me, might be best served leaving the power tools other people. We can drink wine instead, which, if you’re anything like me, will make us infinitely more helpful anyways. :-)
Janine, suffice it to say, the Sawzall and I will never be “as one.” Rachael, it’s actually not bad…kind of “art deco” chic! Kate, yes, wine cures most ills! (And I want Lola if you ever give her up for adoption…that face!) Thanks for commenting, my bloggy friends!! Muuaahh!! (cyber-kisses… :)
Okay. I canNOT live without you, Vikki. I started laughing at the picture of the doggie with owner very loudly… then I was crying by the time I finished your day in the life of Vikki.
Dear Lord, I think Kenny will need quite a few beers. If he only could have seen you in action.
You are the love of MY life, dear girlfriend :-) And… I’m sure sweet Kenny feels the same way :-)
Keep it up!!!!!
Yes, Marta, Hood River has officially started a Poor Kenny club! Fortunately, he thinks I’m funny! Love you, girlfriend!
Oh my goodness, I needed a laugh tonight. I started thinking about how kids get scissor crazy sometimes and cut everything they find. This was the adult version of it. Very funny, thank you!
Thank you for linking this one up and it still makes me laugh my butt off reading it again!! :)
Oh, lady, you kill me! Only you! I can totally picture it…. So glad you linked up with us- you are always a refreshing and hilarious addition to FTSF!
I’m in stitches, and it sounds like you were fortunate not to require them. Were there no trees that required “light pruning?”
I would love to have a sawzall, but like you I would find the first 101 bad uses.
Funny stuff.
WG
OMG, the coffee table! That’s hilarious. It’s ALL hilarious! I can’t believe you fell off the ladder and the sawzall flew out the window! OMG, that’s crazy! So funny.
Ow! Thank goodness you didn’t get up close and personal with the part of the ‘EVERYTHING’ which includes ‘makes a total mess of whatever part of you it touches’. Loved the coffee table story; I can’t help feeling there should’ve been a strip cartoon of that one somewhere.
You are brave for even touching a power tool. My experience with power tools equals a screw driver. The phillip heady one :P
Sawzall sounds like the name of a horror movie – I wouldn’t have touched that thing with a ten foot pole (which would’ve been 2 feet after you finished with it!)
Vertically spraying Kibble-LOL!! After I finished reading I scrolled up to the picture again. I think of the photo had been at the bottom, you would have given me a laugh cramp. ;-)
I can so easily insert myself into these scenarios LOL. So, did you at least end up with an interestingly-manicured lawn after it flew out the window? ;)
Not sure what a sawzall is but pretty sure that I would lose a limb trying to use one. “A little military shave?” HAHAHH my hubs was in the military. He’s not now. Our definitions of military shaves are now very different. He’s almost 50. Really?
Funny as sh!t post. Love.
Thank you thank you thank you! And I think I love you. Seriously, cracking up here, my dogs are wondering what the heck is wrong with me, that stupid screen isn’t doing anything I like. I knew sawzall was bad news the first time I heard my husband call it a sawzy’all. Cause you know, that was a little too much foreshadowing for my liking. Meanwhile I think it would sawzall more in my hands, cause my husband has big plans, that stay plans. Maybe I’ll give it a go? NOT!