With social media blowing up with posts about Valentine’s Day and everyone anticipating the fat little cupid and the romantic gifts he’ll leave behind, I got curious about some lesser-known holidays that we don’t celebrate with quite the same group enthusiasm. A quick Google search came up with Laughing Day, Pork Rind Appreciation Day, International Sex Bomb Day, 50 Llamas Day, and OMG, Honesty Day.
I’m always entertained by couple who brag that they’re “totally honest” with each other. These marital puppies have usually been married less than a year and have yet to learn that total honesty is to a marriage what a souped-up Mustang is to a new teenage driver…a crash just waiting to happen.
For the record, I’m not recommending you lie about life-altering issues. “Of course I want lots of children,” when the truth is you can’t stand any humans under the age of 20, or “No, I most emphatically did not sleep with your best friend that weekend you went into rehab,” when, in fact, you did, making you a complete douche who will eventually get caught by your wife or by karma, are what researchers call “hard lies,” noted for being self-serving and existing primarily to protect the liar.
“White lies” are told to protect the other person. When there’s nothing to be gained by telling the “totally honest truth,” a little white lie is often kinder. Bad haircuts, winter weight gain, a less-than-flattering, but beloved pair of jeans, are all fleeting. But she’ll remember your “honest criticism” forever.
White lies can usually be defined by the alternate title, “Tell Me What I Want to Hear.”
1. “I painted my office fuchsia. Isn’t it fabulous?” Your first thought was that all it’s missing is a giant disco ball, but it’s her office and it’s just paint. If she loves it, you love it.
2. “I have a headache. Otherwise, I’d be so into sex with you right now.” This is the insurmountable, great-barrier-reef excuse (Impossible to dispute. You’ll just have to take our word for it) for not feeling the duo monkey dance at that moment. You can challenge the excuse (“You had a headache last week”) and possibly overcome her sex-resistant ensemble of fleece sweats and your old t-shirt, but don’t bother to ask “Was it good for you?” She may be more honest than you’d like.
3. “Of course I love your friends. Who wouldn’t love Tommy, who’s so proud that he can drink the entire contents of our beer fridge every time he stops by. Or Jack, who never goes anywhere without his 90-pound Pit Bull aptly named Diablo. They’re just hoots.” Tell Tommy to bring his own damn beer and ask Jack to leave Diablo outside, preferably on a leash, and she might stop slamming cupboard doors in the kitchen whenever the boys come over.
4. “Thanks, honey, I just love it,” when referring to your gift of arguably the ugliest sweater anyone ever paid money for. Over the past three decades in retail, I’ve heard dozens of women tell stories about gifts from Hubs that make them question if he’s ever actually noticed what she wears, like ever. “After 15 years of marriage, he thinks I’m jones’ing for a pink Hello Kitty sweater with a rhinestone message across my boobs that says ‘I’m a Kitty Kat.’ HAVE WE MET??” We either quietly return them or tuck them away somewhere. And if you ask, we’ll say “It’s at the drycleaners,” because we hate the sweater, but we love you.
5. “Absolutely not,” when, upon seeing a commercial for Botox, you ask if we’d ever do something that silly. The fact is we’ve been shelling out serious bucks over the past five years to slow the evidence of the passage of time, but it just never seemed the right time to toss out “By the way, Honey Buns, I get botulism injected into my face four times a year. And how was your day?”
6. The uber-classic “Do these jeans make my butt look big?” which can only be answered with “That’s not possible.”
7. “Do you really want to go to my family reunion in Omaha?” Not just no. It’s more of a “Oh hell, no.” But you can rock the answer with “I’ll go anywhere, as long as it’s with you,” significantly reducing episodes of sudden-onset migraines at bedtime (see#2).
8. “Do you think my sister is pretty?” Make no mistake. That question means “prettier than me?” A time-honored response is “She’s okay, but you definitely got the looks in your family.” But “I’ve never noticed” is the Mac Daddy you-got-this answer, especially if you can manage to look slightly confused at the question.
9. “My parents are fighting. Do you mind if my mother stays with us for a while?” Concede defeat at any question concerning her mother. By the time she asks this question, Mom is in the driveway. With a toothbrush.
10. “I told my sister we’d watch her two dogs this weekend so she and Hubs can get away. Is that okay?” Sissy’s two dogs include a thousand-pound Great Dane and a Bull Mastiff currently undergoing pet therapy for anger issues, but she already said yes, so you can either look like a jerk who doesn’t care about her sister’s happiness, or you can throw a blanket into the garage and look like a hero. But no matter how you respond, the dogs are staying.
Hubs and I recently heard the Marital Lie, in its purest form, in the dumbest movie ever, where the dying wife, gasping her last tragic breath, tells her husband she wants him to fall in love again and be happy without her. I don’t think so. I told Kenny that that woman is stupid, and it was just a movie.
If I go first, he’s allowed a brief mourning period (two weeks ought to do it), then he’s to keel over dead from a broken heart and join me in the afterlife so we can be together forever, like he promised.
In the meantime, go warm up the car. We’re going to Great-Aunt Bertha’s for dinner. Yes, she still has 15 cats and a goiter. But you always said you liked her.
Dying laughing—this is ALL so true! And I feel the same way if I die before my hubs!!!
I can usually find a way around it and not have to white lie, except for once in a while. It’s the BIG lies that are killers. Or the ones with no purpose but just to … lie, and yes, I’ve seen that kind of lie!
Laughing out loud. I try to avoid even the white lies but sometimes it is so much kinder.
Love this. And totally agree with you re the dying wife’s last wish. Yeah, no!
So many gems in this post! I laughed all the way through it – from duo monkey dance to your poor husband’s demise! :D Thank you as always for the excellent laugh!
hahahaha funny cuz it’s TRUE! Total honesty is the main ingredient in the recipe of DISASTER. I went through this with my now husband when we first started dating he had not had many long-term girlfriends, so he made the rookie mistake of total honesty. I don’t know how he survived that stage, because I ALWAYS look fat in whatever outfit it is, and there is ALWAYS a pretty girl around, I don’t need to know about it, thanks anyway hon. Good stuff!
#4 is my big pet peeve. When I do get a gift from him, it is often jewelry that I’d never wear in a 1,000 years, though he did get me a nice set for Christmas last year. Men everywhere need to read this post.
My little white lie is “I’ve had this for a while.” He doesn’t need to know about every new item of clothing I purchase!
Yeah, you nailed it. We finally figured out that sharing every little thing to be honest with each other just wasn’t a good idea. ;)
The worst are the ones with the superiority complexes that feel they just have to tell the truth or else God will strike them dead… or else they think they are doing you a favor by telling you the truth. What are best friends for, if not to tell you you look fat in your outfit or your hair cut sucks?
Best way to start my morning!
Haha – Darn right on that last one!
My ex often had no idea about “white lies”. I call it “having no tact” and “being brutally honest”. Depending on the question, the answers can be downright painful. However, sometimes when I say “do these jeans look weird on me?” and I add “I want an honest answer.” I actually MEAN it. I mean, there are times that I really need to know these things. I don’t want to walk out of there with jeans that grip my fat in all the wrong places! Am I weird? lol
LOL, great way to look at things. Also, in yoga, one of the teachings is Ahimsa, the practice of not hurting, or causing pain, to other creatures. I have often pondered whether that covers “lies”, but I do think when asked a question bluntly, it is best to spill it out.
Too funnY!
The only time I tell her the complete truth is shopping for clothes (Yes, I go with her), when she asks my opinion she really wants to know what I think, other then that, rarely does she get the whole truth, I like where I sleep, and the couch is lumpy!
I loved all of this, but the last bit about your husband being required to drop dead two weeks after you go is priceless. Soooo true. We say we wouldn’t mind if they found someone new, but she’d better be a ghost and she’d better be me LOL.
There is a generous dollop of wisdom in this post. After 33 years together together, my stock answer to my wife is ‘Yes dear’ – it allows me to continue typing on my laptop without having to listen to her!
The Lie I Tell My Husband Most Often
Him: “Is this pity sex?”
Me: “No.”
Hilarious. My problem is that I’m a terrible liar. Even white lies!
This is just hysterical and very, very true! I am still laughing but have to totally agree with the one about what darling husband should do if I go first!
Hahahaha I just asked my husband if he will ever marry again should I die sooner than him. He answered “No, I will not because I will die with you.” Bahahaha I think he read your post before I did. ;)
I once told my husband–before we were married–that if he fell out of love with me, just to go ahead and lie about it for the rest of his life, because I wasn’t sure I’d take it all that well. And he agreed–which I took as a good sign to mean that he wasn’t planning to fall out of love with me, or else he was crazy for agreeing. Ha. I love the Marital Lie part–I am with you on that one!
Vikki!!!!! Just dying with this one! Nodding and laughing! :D I’m going to suggest this as reading for my hubby, you know. Just because. ;)
Now that I am (shhhhhh!) nearly 50, I have had to curtail my own white lies because I could not remember enough to keep the “facts” straight and I constantly got caught! I just loved this and laughed and laughed!!
Hilarious!
What category does ‘buying new clothes and waiting a few weeks to wear them so you can say, “I’ve had this for a while!” when hubby asks when you got new clothes’ fall into?
So funny! and i ain’t lying. ;)
I wonder which is the dumbest movie ever?? I totally agree on that part. And all the others. The ‘only answer’ to the jean’s butt question is so true! It’s the only answer to all questions involving our appearance. Love your posts.
I can’t lie. I wear it all on my face.
My husband is pretty oblivious…new clothes, haircut…he doesn’t notice. Maybe its deliberate?
haha…oh yes. I consider myself a fairly honest person…but man…my beloved husband has the strangest taste when picking out gifts for me and there’s been plenty of times that I smile and say ‘I love it!’ when he so thoughtfully gets me something weird.
The truth in marriage Bahahahahaha! You definitely nailed this one!
Giggling! We need a DAY for it? An entire day? LOL
Haha! So true. Who the hell wants raw honesty all the time? Relationships need a little bit of gentleness every now and then. I might want to tell hubby I thought he was a raging twit in scenario x but I bend the truth a wee bit and find a different way to resolve the twit-headedness.. Dear hubby, if you’re reading this, this was just a made-up example honey. I NEVER think you’re a raging twit. xx.
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