There were many things that attracted Kenny and I to each other 13 years ago, including our mutual love of red meat and Cheez-in-a-Can, our aversion to the entire vegetable family, and a shared OCD’ness about our house. While I’m inside in search of stealth dust bunnies, he’s outside terrorizing any clover short-sighted enough to root anywhere on the property. You can imagine my horror when I saw those distinctive little dirt bumps in the yard that scream “MOLE!!”
On a mission, I ran down the hall to Google ideas for going Dexter on the little guy before Kenny got home from work. Experts suggested:
1. Peanut butter traps. Yeah, no. This didn’t work with the house mouse either. He just got fat, loved the food we kept setting out for him every night, and invited all his friends.
2. Stuffing a grass-covered jar down the hole and hope he runs into it, trapping him, so I could throw him away somewhere else. Oh good. He knows where we live, and now he’s pissed.
3. Spray coyote scent down the holes. Apparently coyotes scare him and he’ll run away. So now the MOLE is gone, but I’ve attracted a pack of randy female coyotes looking for daddy. Awesome.
4. Stuff human hair down the holes. WTH?? I can’t even cheat and shave my Chihuahuas, since they’re basically hairless cats, so we’re talking MY hair. Moving on…
5. Vibrate the yard. Seems earthquakes make him nervous and he scrams for cover. Since I don’t have anything strong enough (I know what you’re thinking… They’re talking generator or large carpet fan, people. And this is a family-friendly blog), that’s out.
6. Find a digger dog to root him out. So I’m supposed to grab the neighbor’s annoying dog, who habitually tears up our flower beds, and say “Go git ’em!” Like NOW he’s going to know the difference between a zinnia and a mole?? I. Don’t. Think. So.
7. Sit quietly at the largest hole with a heavy bat, wait until he pokes his head up, and WHAM! Take him out. This actually appeals to my inner Indian warrior, but since that warrior has the patience of a circus flea, the mole has nothing to fear from Crazy Woman Who Carries Bat.
And my personal favorite…
8. POUR GASOLINE down the hole and STUFF A RAG in it to put permanently put him to sleep. Gee, other than the fact that he’s STILL DOWN THERE, what could POSSIBLY go wrong with that plan???
Seems I’m going to have to get creative.
Go to check out the garage and spy Kenny’s leaf blower. Hmmm. Stuff the blower tube down the hole and fire it up, planning to blow the little hamster into the sky. 10 seconds later, I’m COMPLETELY covered with back-blow dirt and mud, and I swear I could hear the entire mole family laughing. Well, crap. Next time, I’ll just shave my head.
Your inner Indian Warrior name is now, “Dances with Moles!”
Oh no! I don’t have a yard at all, so I can’t really relate. But my parents have moles, raccoons, opossums, and a family of skunks. And they live in the suburbs! And now, I’m told, they also have foxes, which came because of the moles. Is there no end?
Gina and Kate, you two crack me up! (And mole-guy is still here…)
Gasoline? Wonder what Einstein came up with that one?
Not only do you have no more moles-you have no more yard!
Funny post as always!
Thanks, Rachael! Always a pleasure seeing you on my blog!!
Our neighbors went with your #8 choice. And then on to #9, they lit the gasoline. The little bugger came shooting out of the hole, on fire. Tore across the street to the empty lot covered in dry grass. The rest of the story is epic.
Carol, I mentioned the gasoline option to Kenny, and I thought he was going to keel over dead on the spot! Great to see you here!! (And tell your neighbors I accept guest posts… :)
TOO Funny! I am a mole whacker as well! I kee my shovel (former pooper scooper) a fork and a can of raid handy by the front door! Our yard is a mass of underground tunnels! Raid seems to irritate them! Bleach or draino soak in..they move on to another one! My weiner dog did catch one once!! man was he shocked!! Wide eyed and trembling..holding his trophy and not knowing what the heck he just did!! He loved to pee on the mole hills!! Now my neighbor says to stuff dried dog poop in the hole..havent tried that one…and dont want to save my sisters pit poop!! Good luck!!
Carla, dried dog poop?? Lord, that one slipped by me. But it DOES beat shaving my head. Hmmm… :)
Thanks for the laughter. I accidentally flushed,(so to speak), our moles into our neighbors yard. Our water heater sprung (sprang?) a leak and soaked our laundry room and yard outside for hours before it was discovered. Our moles left for our neighbors yard where it was dry. Not a treatment that I recommend…
Moles! My lady-like mom would sit on the back stoop with mt dad’s 22 rifle and shoot their little heads off when they surfaced. The zen of mole destruction. And it kept nosy neighbors away. As for the mice, try Snickers bars in the traps. Nothing better! I live your blog…you make me smile! Ooooooo my cheeks hurt!
Rose, even when they don’t cause the original damage, they’re at fault! I feel your pain! :) Lynne, I have a .22 shotgun. Hmmm… :)
None of those ideas sound helpful. And the gasoline one sounds particularly bad.
Too funny.
Fellow mole-whacker here. We are fighting the little turds as well…this was a hilarious post! Have never heard of many of these, uh, interesting solutions.
Visiting from Mommy Mess’s Going Green. Will be following you via everything…haha. Really enjoy your writing style!
This was hilarious! We had a problem with a mole a while back, but I more or less let my husband take care of it. Now I’m wondering what exactly he did…lol
Oh my! Some of those suggestions are pretty morbid. We had a visitor in our garage last summer, and I was freaked out! It ended up being a cute little field mouse. I should recycle that post next time we do Going Green. ;) Glad you linked up!
“Stuff human hair down the holes”
Funny story … I live in a very small town and the local hairdresser here SAVES ALL OF THE HAIR SHE CUTS to give to customers who want it to keep moles (and bunnies) out of their garden.
Yes … seriously …
Laughing! We have more of a problem with groundhogs. Apparently they are very clean animals and a few years back we got some of them to move by putting used cat litter down their hole. However now they are back and they are living in a thicket of bushes where there is no way I could get to their hole short of cutting the bushes down. The fact that we have 3 dogs that chase them whenever they get a chance makes no difference either. But at least they no longer eat my plants…they seem to have moved out away from my property to graze. Visiting from the Going Green Recycled Posts linkup!!