There were many things that attracted Kenny and I to each other 13 years ago, including our mutual love of red meat and Cheez-in-a-Can, our aversion to the entire vegetable family, and a shared OCD’ness about our house. While I’m inside in search of stealth dust bunnies, he’s outside terrorizing any clover short-sighted enough to root anywhere on the property. You can imagine my horror when I saw those distinctive little dirt bumps in the yard that scream “MOLE!!”
On a mission, I ran down the hall to Google ideas for going Dexter on the little guy before Kenny got home from work. Experts suggested:
1. Peanut butter traps. Yeah, no. This didn’t work with the house mouse either. He just got fat, loved the food we kept setting out for him every night, and invited all his friends.
2. Stuffing a grass-covered jar down the hole and hope he runs into it, trapping him, so I could throw him away somewhere else. Oh good. He knows where we live, and now he’s pissed.
3. Spray coyote scent down the holes. Apparently coyotes scare him and he’ll run away. So now the MOLE is gone, but I’ve attracted a pack of randy female coyotes looking for daddy. Awesome.
4. Stuff human hair down the holes. WTH?? I can’t even cheat and shave my Chihuahuas, since they’re basically hairless cats, so we’re talking MY hair. Moving on…
5. Vibrate the yard. Seems earthquakes make him nervous and he scrams for cover. Since I don’t have anything strong enough (I know what you’re thinking… They’re talking generator or large carpet fan, people. And this is a family-friendly blog), that’s out.
6. Find a digger dog to root him out. So I’m supposed to grab the neighbor’s annoying dog, who habitually tears up our flower beds, and say “Go git ’em!” Like NOW he’s going to know the difference between a zinnia and a mole?? I. Don’t. Think. So.
7. Sit quietly at the largest hole with a heavy bat, wait until he pokes his head up, and WHAM! Take him out. This actually appeals to my inner Indian warrior, but since that warrior has the patience of a circus flea, the mole has nothing to fear from Crazy Woman Who Carries Bat.
And my personal favorite…
8. POUR GASOLINE down the hole and STUFF A RAG in it to put permanently put him to sleep. Gee, other than the fact that he’s STILL DOWN THERE, what could POSSIBLY go wrong with that plan???
Seems I’m going to have to get creative.
Go to check out the garage and spy Kenny’s leaf blower. Hmmm. Stuff the blower tube down the hole and fire it up, planning to blow the little hamster into the sky. 10 seconds later, I’m COMPLETELY covered with back-blow dirt and mud, and I swear I could hear the entire mole family laughing. Well, crap. Next time, I’ll just shave my head.