A recent Google search for articles on empty nest syndrome turned up almost 4 million posts. Apparently it’s a universal phenomena among the boomer generation.
Our kids are leaving home, pursuing further education and careers, getting married, having our grandbabies, buying homes, and generally living life quite happily without our round-the-clock helicopter parenting. We’ve known from the little guy’s first day that this time would come, but we still aren’t prepared. We’re not ready.
We’re not ready to miss them so much. We’re not ready to “Stop worrying, Mom.” We’re especially not ready to stop parenting.
But parenting an adult, with a wife, two children, and a dog, is vastly different than parenting a young child. One of the most profound changes comes in the way we communicate with our grown progeny. It’s difficult to remember that we are no longer raising them. We don’t get to pass judgment on their behavior, nor can we criticize their priorities or decisions (unless our aim is to sever all ties, in which case, tell them everything you’re thinking). As hard as it is, we must now treat them as adults. This often requires some serious tongue-biting, lest we blurt out something too, well…parental.
1. “You’re doing that wrong.” Especially when he hasn’t asked you for help. And never say this while there are other people in the room. Now you just called him idiot in public.
2. Any sentence that starts with “If you want my advice…” If you have to ask, he doesn’t.
3. “I’m disappointed in you.” Often the parenting bat of choice for couples with young children, who’ll usually do anything to regain Mom and Dad’s approval. An adult child is more likely to reply “Back atcha.”
4. “Your wife needs to…” You need to Stop. Talking. Never, ever criticize your son’s wife, in any discussion. He loves her, and now she is the most important woman in his life. If you draw a line in the sand, guess who wins.
5. “When I’m dead, you’ll wish you spent more time with me.” Maybe, maybe not. Maybe he’s not coming over because you say stupid crap like that.
6. “You wouldn’t be so broke if you didn’t buy so much expensive stuff. Do you really need a 60″ TV?” Unless you paid for it, it’s NOYB, as in “None of Your Business.” If he’s spending beyond his means, life will find a way to let him know. In the meantime, he won’t have to shoot the messenger. Yes, that would be you.
7. “I can’t believe what you kids pay for your phones. When we were little, all we had was a dial-up phone with a party line. And we were grateful to have it.” Remember how you felt when your mom and dad told you these stories? Yeah, that.
8. “You’ve been married for two years. When can we expect the pitter-patter of little feet?” Sorry, but this is also NOYB. The decision to have a child is limited to the two participants only. If you’re good, you’ll be notified at the appropriate time.
9. “Well, you can’t be too hard up if you’re going to that expensive gym every day.” Unless they’re asking you for money, limit all commentary about their finances to “I’m sure you’ll figure something out.” All other options will inevitably lead to future whining from you about “why my kids never tell me anything.”
10. “Have you gained weight?” Just because he came out of your woo-hoo, doesn’t mean you automatically have the right to forever comment on his appearance. It’s no less rude than if he walked into your house and said, “Hi, Mom. Wow, have you put on some weight?”
12. “You don’t call often enough.” Enough for whom?
13. Upon entering his messy house, “How can you live like this??” (usually followed by a loud sigh and an immediate impulse to start cleaning). It’s not your house. How someone chooses to live in their own home is NOYB. If you can’t stand it, meet at your house.
14. “Well, don’t expect me to pay for that.” Did he ask you to pay for it? Or are you just inferring that any discussion of money means he’s got his hand out?
15. “You need a haircut.” He’s 30, with a wife and two kids. He gets to wear his hair any damn way he pleases. (And if he truly needs a haircut, his wife will make sure he gets one.)
16. “Are you two saving any money?” Their marital finances are off limits. (Unless, of course, they’re living with you and saving money to someday move out, in which case, you should be getting a weekly cash flow report.) But keep in mind that they’re probably saving as much as you did at 25. Yeah, pretty much zero. They’ll figure it out. Just like you did.
17. “How’s your sex life?” The only thing worse than being asked to tell you about his, is you responding with information about yours. And whether he’s 5 or 50, no child ever wants to hear that Mom and Dad are now doing, or have ever done, the freaky.
18. “Your father is being a jackass. Can I come stay with you two for a while?” They might say yes, but you’ve got to know that when they hang up the phone, they’re screaming “NOOOOOO!” Save your relationship with your son and DIL, and work out your marriage in a hotel.
And the universally recognized, Mac Daddy statement, guaranteed to strike terror in young married couples around the globe:
20. “I saw the house next door was for sale, so I put in an offer!” ‘Nuf said.
Every one is a golden nugget of truth! Well done!
omg… the last one actually happened to me…. My response was something like “I hope you and dad will be very happy there.” But I can hear them all… (I try so hard not to say anything like that to my kid and his wife! But Im sure I come up with enough embarrassing stuff of my own original material!)
Ivy, I think we’ve all blurted out the worst possible thing we could have said from time to time. I try to mentally check myself, so I don’t talk to him like he’s still 12! :)
Thanks, Pattie! Let’s just say we learn from our mistakes! :)
ALL so true!
Thanks, Kathy! And thank you for stopping by this morning to comment! :)
Thanks for saying this all out loud. I remember my parents saying some of these things (or even just implying some of these things) and making me cringe. My oldest is staring his senior year in HS next year. So this is well timed for me to see the other side of this.
Thank you, Karen! Isn’t it weird when we hear ourselves saying things to our kids that drove us nuts when our parents said them to us? :)
oh the more time spent with me one. I can see that happening here simply during the teen years :-)
I agree, Carla! They become “adults” so early! :)
yes, yes and yes. We need to avoid all those observations, comments and critiques. I had a mother who visited many of the above on me and that’s helped me keep my mouth shut with my grown kids and grand kids. But when it comes to the new-annoying, I wonder what ground I may be breaking.
Penpen, “the new-annoying”! You crack me up! :)
Although I could probably keep my lips zipped if I had an adult child, it’s probably safer that I have cats.
Roxanne, cats are a whole different breed altogether. If you say the wrong thing to your cat, you’ll know. That face will tell you! :)
Obeying number 13 means my wife has not set foot in our sons’ house for almost a decade. True story.
Axie’s Dad, I just spit my Diet Coke out because that made me laugh! Thanks for stopping by! :)
So brilliantly true. I have made a few of these and was poised to make another, just today! I think you’ve saved my ass. Thanks for this.
My pleasure, Jennifer! Sometimes we mothers need to keep each other in check! :)
All of this works just as well if the only child you have is your married stepson :-) He, our smart and beautiful DIL, and our amazing two grandkids live 3,000 miles away and we only see them, at most, a couple times a year.
I am on my best behavior whenever we do see them–whether they come to our house or we visit them–in order to encourage more visits with them.
I’ve never been a parent myself, so that reduces my credibility in that department significantly anyway. Though I still have opinions LOL.
Mary Anne, you may not have biological kids, but you have a mother’s instincts! Be nice, and they will come back! :)
Another hilarious post. I’ve wondered how many of these I’ve said to my son over the years. I have one of each and the same questions pretty much be yourself.
Thanks, Rena! But now my son will know what I’d REALLY like to ask him. Dang. :)
Oh yes, Vikki. I’ve learned a few of these the hard way. Thankful that my grown nieces and nephews have always (thus far) forgiven my trespasses. I should probably print this excellent post out on an index card and glue it to the outside of my purse for quick and easy reference. They’d much appreciate. :) Love it!!!!
Thanks, Marcia! I had the same idea. I carry mine in my handbag to remind myself to keep my mouth shut and smile! :)
Fortunately, Riley will never grow up, and he is a dog, so … enough said!
Carol, yes, our dogs will love us forever and unconditionally, no matter what stupid things we say or do. Other humans? Not so much. :)
I wonder why then that it is okay to tell our adult daughters that we expect more time with the grandkids than the in-laws, holiday priority consideration FIRST, and feel free to criticize, comment and give advice. Continues to perpetuate how special men are.
Hah! Great list Vikki!
Should be required reading for every parent whose child is leaving the nest. And they should have to sign it. And have it notarized.
All 100% true! As the mother of 3 adult sons who are all married, plus 9 perfect grandchildren, I have had to bite my tongue more than I care to admit, but bite it I have. My greatest joy, however, is when one of those sons says that one of his children is acting just like he did, and he doesn’t mean it in a complimentary way. Once again, Vikki, you hit the nail on the head!!! Thank you!
so true! but it must be so so hard not to just say what you want to your children, to ever see them as adults. i’m afraid.
I think it must be so hard to keep your mouth shut. I hope when my kids marry, I’ll be smart instead of opinionated. Love this post!
I already say #5 to my 15 year old. lol “Oh sure…spend hours on your computer playing Assassin’s Creed! You’re gonna wish you’d spent more time with the woman who gave you life!”