Writers are a funny breed. We’re highly imaginative and often extroverted but spend vast amounts of time alone. We freely share huge pieces of our lives without reservation or filters, but we’re also oddly reserved, preferring to spend our time connecting with people on paper rather than in real life.
We’re fiercely private about our writing until it’s “ready,” then we pray that someone, anyone, will want to read it when we’re done. We write early in the morning, before our “real job.” We write after work, when we’re tired and just want to watch a movie and have a glass (or a bottle) of wine. We write on weekends, with spouses and kids knocking on our locked doors, wanting to know if we’re coming out or should they just leave our dinner on a tray in the hallway. We write in the shower, or waiting at the doctor’s office, or when we’re driving.
There are over 1,000,000 books published in the U.S. every year. On average, they’ll sell less than 250 copies each. Studies repeatedly remind us we have less than a 1% chance of being stocked in the average bookstore.
So, knowing that there’s a near-zero chance of being “successful” or getting that call from Oprah that will catapult us to instant fame and fortune, what would compel a sane person to keep doing it??
If you’re truly a writer, writing is not a choice. Writers have to write. Our brains are permanently set to “How can I write about this?” all. the. time. We view the world in terms of words. Words that bounce around in our heads, compelling us to write it down, whether it’s on a blog, an email to friends or family, or on the back of a napkin at the local cantina.
Most writers, regardless of their previous success, are inherently insecure about their work. We live in constant fear that the world will suddenly discover we’re quasi-talented hacks, and our time would be better spent learning to yodel for our future, more appropriate career in goat herding. If you know a writer, we ask that you take pity on our weirdness and try to avoid certain comments or questions in our casual conversations. We’ll love you for it, and promise not to put you in our next book.
1. “I loved your book. I’ve loaned it to everyone I know.“ I love that you loved it (truly, I do), but I can’t pay my bills from the sale of one book.
2. “When are you going to write another one?” Writing and publishing a book is like Mr. Toady’s Wild Ride, and takes a staggering commitment of time, energy, and often, money. At this point, we’re lying in an exhausted, broke heap on the side of the road, unsure if we’ve got it in us to ever do it again. But we’ll let you know.
3. “I heard only 1% of new authors are ever successful.” That’s true. And thank you for reminding me.
4. “I’m going to wait and buy one when the price goes down.” Swell. I’ll let you know when it hits Powell’s Online Bargain Basement. I’m sure it won’t be long.
5. “We’ve been friends forever. Don’t I get a free copy?” I don’t even get them for free. And you’re a doctor. Is my next pap smear free?
6. “My group is having a raffle next week. Would you like to donate some copies?” Yeah, sure. I just spent the last two years writing the book and several thousand dollars getting it published, but I welcome opportunities to give away free copies.
7. “I’d love to write a book. I just don’t have time.” Neither did we. Waiting to “have the time” to write a book is like waiting to have the money to raise a child. It won’t happen. If you want to write a book, write one.
8. “I’d buy a copy, but I don’t read.” Despite Kanye’s baffling insistence that this is cool, unwillingness to read suggests an inability to do so. You don’t need to read my book, but please tell me you occasionally read something.
9. “Has Oprah called you yet?” This is a not-so-subtle hint that we haven’t really “arrived” if Oprah hasn’t tapped us for next week’s show. An almost impossible standard that can suck the joy out of what we have accomplished.
10. “I’d love to stay home all day and write.” So would I.
11. “You’re self-published, aren’t you?” Yes, because I’m a loser who couldn’t get a publishing house to do it.
12. “Have you written anything I might have read?” Since I don’t know you and I don’t know what you like to read, how could I possibly know that? Oh, you want to know if I’ve written any best sellers. No, but thank you for asking.
13. “Will you read my manuscript?” You’re really asking if I’ll critique it or edit it. Those people are called “editors,” and they charge a hefty fee. I’m a writer, not an editor.
14. “Can you make a living writing?” Absolutely. If you live in a yurt and eat berries out of forest. And if you don’t need a car. Or running water. Otherwise, as they say, don’t quit your day job.
15. “I haven’t bought your book yet, but I can’t wait to read it.” We have no response to this one.
16. “I found a typo.” You read the entire book, and that’s what you took away? Awesome.
17. “I thought your book was kinda funny.” That’s like saying, “Our sex life is fine.” We want to hear, “It’s the funniest book I’ve read, ever. It changed my life.” Or something like that.
So if we meet on the street and you’re looking for something to say, a simple “Loved your book” will cover almost every contingency. And if you really want to make us smile, “Would you sign it for me?” Or you can make our dreams come true with, “I bought one for all my friends,” which will result in an immediate happy dance and lifetime access to our secret stash of wine and chocolate.
My birthday is next month. Can I have your next book for free? Great post and some real insight into what should not be said to writers.
Thanks, Mary! I’m always happy to give away a book to someone who is offering something in return. But just to hand over a whack of free copies to everyone doing a fundraiser is out of my marketing budget! :)
Vikki:
You did it again! Great post.
Listen, would you swap 10 books for some brownies? They’re really good.
Thanks, Beth! How did you know I’d swap my beloved Chihuahua for brownies? Free books for you! :)
As someone who is about to write their first book this made me smile.
Oh Ali, you’re going to have so much fun! And upon publication, don’t forget to order a “garage stash” of a few hundred to give away to everyone you’re related to, went to high school with, or ever dated in your lifetime. KIDDING! (And congratulations on your new adventure!) :)
Yes. All of those things. We are a strange breed for sure, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Loved your post and so glad to see it in my feed today!
xoxoxo
Thanks, Lucy! I’m with you. Keep writers weird! :) Love seeing you on Laugh Lines today!
How about “I can’t wait for you to buy it!” GREAT post, Vikki!
Love that, Carol! It’s SO going in my repertoire. :) Glad you liked the post!
All so true, Vikki. People who don’t write definitely cannot understand those of us who do. I know it’s true in my case. I blog and am not (at present) attempting to make any profit from it. My friends and family are well aware of how much time and effort I spend writing and blogging … and for the life of them, they just can’t understand why I do it. Simply telling them that I love doing it and that it satisfies a need in me, doesn’t work.
I can definitely understand why hearing comments like the ones you listed, would irk a published writer. They’re thoughtless and borderline rude. I have no such comment to make about your marvelous book: Shake, Rattle & Roll With It. I loved it and I keep it within arm’s reach on a shelf near my writing desk. Whenever I feel the need for a laugh, I grab and read a chapter or two. Doesn’t matter how many times I’ve already read it, I laugh all over again.
And P.S. … I’ve never found a typo in it. :)
Thank you, Marcia! You’re one of my best cheerleaders, and I always appreciate your encouragement and sharing of my writing. I love that you keep my book close by. You just made my day! :)
Ohhhhh I am right there with you. This is 100% true all the way around. Now I need to go share this with all the people who keep telling me, “I can’t wait to read your book—I just haven’t bought it yet.”
Thanks, Marcia! Yeah, that’s pretty much my favorite one! :)
“We’re fiercely private about our writing until it’s “ready,” then we pray that someone, anyone, will want to read it when we’re done.” So true, so true. With less than 25k published (via blogging) words I can’t call myself a writer, but I sure relate to that sentence. I only write when no one is looking; if my wife comes near I immediately hit minimize and pretend I’m reading whatever is on the screen. :P And then I check my “stats” every day to see how many looks I’ve gotten. Thanks for the laughs and the chance to look in another mirror.
Bob, Hubs has never read a single post or anything from my book. I won’t let him. Only writer’s would understand that. I’m too afraid he’ll say, “Why do those people think you’re funny?” :)
The ex never read my book. I hoped he would. That broke my heart and sent me a message. I guess that’s why he is the ex.
We should all just print out this post and hand it to the asshats who make these ridiculous comments! Thanks for putting ’em all in one place, Vikki!
Thanks, Roxanne! I was a little concerned that I would offend some people with this post, which is never my intent. It was meant to be funny (but oh, so true)! :)
I’ve heard them all, too. I always tell people half the proceeds from my children’s book go to local animal shelters…and still…”That’s great! Can you donate to…?” smh!
Great post!
b
Barbara, they’re thinking you still have half left…time to share! :)
“Aren’t your kids embarrassed when you write about your life?” No, they were embarrassed long before that.
Linda, that’s too funny! People ask me all the time if Hubs knows I write about him so much. He knows. He just doesn’t read it! He says he “can’t look.” :)
Not to take anything away from Oprah and all, but I haven’t liked a single book that she likes. Which is the wonderful thing about books – there’s something for everyone of us who love to read.
Vanessa, you’re so right! My mother would call it a “seat for every butt.” :)
I think I like your mom’s way of saying it best.
Bravo. Wishing happy dances and book sales for you!
Thank you, Kathy! Love that you stopped by and commented! :)
Vikki, I always like to say “you never know who, what, or when” you will be discovered. Congrats for your writing accomplishments. “Writing a memoir” is on my bucket list – haven’t gotten to that number yet!
Mine too, Judy! I’m working on a general outline, and we’ll see how it fleshes out over time. In the meantime, it will stay under wraps! :)
Love this post, Vikki!!!!!!!!! I just attended a writing conference this weekend, and I am sharing this on my FB page so that we can all commiserate together!!! Hope you hear from Oprah soon! xo
Thanks, Lynne! Your group will probably be able to add some others. We could do a group “Part Deux!” :)
Loved the list. Still chuckling. My personally-experienced favorite: “Oh I could do that” –a refrain that seems to cover the whole range of writing from news stories to magazine features to a quirky blog post (haven’t tried a book yet.) As if…..
Hope your book sales are picking up. Going to add to your tally today. I know whereof those marketing challenges. My hub’s new book is out (on car safety) and every sale is a mountain climbed (or long road traveled). His first book hit 500: Woohoo! Above Average! Won’t keep us in chocolate (and he doesn’t even like the stuff).
Thank you! Yes, I’ve also gotten a version of “Oh, I could do that…” that goes like, “I’ve always wanted to write a book. I might just give it a shot.” Let me know how that works out for you. :) Thanks for the help getting my numbers up! Tell Hubs I said congratulations! Sounds like he’s off to a smashing start!
Just keep on doing it, no matter what! People, including me, are often idiots, and don’t think before they speak, and some just don’t have anything that resembles a filter. You have amazing talent, and a gift that I envy. Your blog post is the reason I look forward to Mondays. Thank you, Vikki!
Lovin’ you just a little bit right now, Beverly! Now THAT’S how people should talk to writers. :) (And you just made my day!)
This cracked me up! All of these are spot on. I just wrote my very first manuscript which gave me plenty of grey hairs and wrinkles. After all the rejections, I am going to self publish. And you are right, everybody and their brother already put in a request for a free copy. The check hasn’t even cleared yet and I’m already in the hole.
Glad you enjoyed it! And congratulations on your first book! I always tell people that we don’t get them for free either, and my mother paid full retail, so… :) Who are you publishing with?
Vicki, this was terrific. It’s so reassuring to be part of this club! I have a book coming out in a few weeks, and my greatest fear is that the fabulous cover design will be better than the story inside. The things we do to sabotage ourselves!
Judith, Congratulations on your upcoming book! And yes, we are often our own worst enemies. I’m sure it will be great, and I’ll be in line to buy a copy! :)
I write fiction (and blog occasionally) so my pet peeves are:
“Which character am I?” Really? None of them. You’re not that interesting.
“I had no idea you did all these things.” What is it about “fiction” that you don’t get?
“Wait’ll you hear what happened to me. You’ll want to write about it.” Re-read the first one.
I could go on…loved this!
Thanks, Kathleen! I get asked all the time, “Did these things really happen?” Actually, they did, but people assume it must be fiction. That, or I’m really, really blonde. And I tell people if they want a book about themselves, write one! :)
Oh, man, NUMBER 10. Yes, while we eat bonbons and watch the hot cabana boy clean the pool.
I know, Kimba! I’d love to have the life people think we have! :)
This is a brilliant, honest list!
I have heard every single one of these. I think a lot of people don’t understand that many of these comments can be incredibly hurtful. And #9 and #12 make me want to crawl under a rock–or give someone a flick on the head, depending on my mood.
But #1…An ex- sister-in-law wrote to me that the signed hardcover I’d sent her as a gift had made “thirteen other ladies very happy.” *cries a little*
Also, you are very funny. : )
Laura, “13 other ladies?” Ouch! :) Glad you enjoyed the post!
Shit. I’m guilty of saying “I haven’t bought your book yet, but can’t wait to read it.” What?! I’m a writer too, you know that. We get caught up doing things damn it.
I agree, Kim! Sometimes it’s US saying the silliest things. :)
I love this post! It says it all. My neighbor asked, “When you’re done with that book you wrote, can I borrow it so I don’t have to buy one?”
“No,” I replied. “If I was a lawyer, would you ask me for free legal advice?” (Stupid question, of course she would!) Now she has changed her lines. “How much is that book of yours? I’d buy one buy I never read any more.” (Right, because no one will give her a book.)
Thanks, Pat! I always reply, “My mother paid full retail, and I LOVE her.” :)
Vikki I have enough trouble writing my blog. Which is sketchy at best. My problem is I didn’t pay attention in my English class and never remember how to conjugate a verb or anything else for that matter. But reading your posts are a joy!! Thank you
Thanks, Barb! Love seeing you here on Laugh Lines! :)
*grins* You’re SO RIGHT! I’m gonna do my best to make sure I never end up saying any of these things. Yikes!
Thanks, Lizzie! I know, sometimes we stick our own feet in the mouth. Guilty! :)
I would love to bottle these words, so true! Great post!
Thank you, Doreen! Glad you enjoyed it. :)
“We freely share huge pieces of our lives without reservation or filters, but we’re also oddly reserved, preferring to spend our time connecting with people on paper rather than in real life.” I’m not a writer but I so identify with this!!
As for the comments, I hope you’ve reserved a special heavy book to knock people who say that on the head!!
Perfect! It just staggers me what some people will say.
I agree, Liz! Sometimes all I can do is say, “Look at the time. Gotta go!” :)
Yes, yes, yes, yes! Nailed it. And also, “If you pay for postage, then you’ve got a deal.” That’s what a “friend” said to me when I asked if she’d buy one of my books. I’ve got a deal? If *I* pay for postage? Wow. Thanks Monty Effing. Hall. lol
Great post!
I can identify with many of the items on the list – particularly, the ‘I haven’t bought your book yet but I can’t wait to read it’ and the miniscule chance of getting it on the shelves of the major booksellers.
Just LOVE this, Vikki. Thank you for sharing, in only the way you can, what not to say. I must go clean up now…I spit water all down my front as I read :)
With blessings,
Dani
Thanks, Dani! And I love your blog, btw. Just checked it out!