A few weeks ago, I was thrilled to have a post reprinted on a wildly popular blog called Scary Mommy. (Thanks, Jill Smokler!) It was called “25 Things Women Want in a Pre-Nup,” written simply as a lighthearted list of things men do that drive their wives crazy. It was a compilation of hilarious comments (taken from a boisterous and merry group poll over two pitchers of margaritas at the local cantina), from a diverse group of girlfriends who, like me, are all happily married. It was also my first post that got trolled.
For my non-blogging readers, “trolls” are people who post mean-spirited, inflammatory comments (often simply a character assassination of the writer) on a blog, deliberately intending to provoke an emotional, online debate. Basically, my trolls said I was a “whiny bitch” (maybe true), in serious need of psychological help (probably true), who hated marriage (absolutely not true).
Experienced bloggers tend to agree that the best way to handle trolls is to ignore them, so I didn’t respond. But it got me thinking about what I loved most about being married, so I began a new list. Another shout-out to girlfriends for their contributions resulted in immediate, enthusiastic responses. Here’s what makes us happy:
1. He makes me laugh. Every day.
2. I get to sleep every night with my best friend.
3. We’re past that awkward first-time sex. No guessing required.
4. I don’t have to date anymore.
5. Kisses. Lots of kisses.
6. Someone misses me when I’m gone.
7. I always have a plus-1.
8. I have someone on my side, even when I’m wrong.
9. Every fight doesn’t make me wonder if he’s changed his Facebook status.
10. I’m loved.
11. We can have sex anytime we want. (And if the kids are gone, anywhere you want.)
12. He knows exactly how I like my steak. And my coffee.
13. We can have entire conversations without actually speaking. A look or a touch can say more than words.
14. I can go out with the girls without having to deal with bad pick-up lines from strangers looking for one-nighters. “No thanks, I’m married” is the best douche-repellant ever.
15. I can be silly. Often.
16. I can be selfish. Occasionally.
17. He’s a great snuggle-buddy after a bad dream.
18. He ages with me.
19. He holds my hand when I’m getting a scary diagnosis. And doesn’t let go.
20. He shares the joys and worries of parenting.
21. He’s seen my crazy. And he’s still here.
22. I no longer have to explain my family members. He knows all the key players and where all the bodies are buried.
23. I don’t have to know it all. (I proofread all his emails. He keeps me posted on world events.)
24. I don’t have to do it all. (He cooks, I clean.)
25. I don’t have to dress “Do Me” all the time.
26. He doesn’t say a word when I’ve been avoiding carbs for a month, then toss a box of doughnuts and two frozen pizzas in the shopping cart at Safeway.
27. He’s my best cheerleader when I need encouragement to keep going or applause at the finish line.
28. He’s a great dragon-slayer when I’m hurt.
29. He gets me, even when the rest of the world doesn’t.
30. He understands my love of cold cereal for dinner and Pop Tarts in my glove box.
31. He tells me I’m beautiful. Even after an ugly cry.
32. I always have someone to play with.
33. He knows me, and loves me anyway.
On a recent evening, Hubs and I were sitting out on the deck, sharing a fabulous bottle of Cabernet and quietly enjoying the warm sunset together. Hubs looked over at me and said, “I’m so lucky to be married to you. But sometimes I think you’re too classy for me.”
My mind did a quick replay of the energetic, epic fails I’ve subjected him to over the last 15 years, and I burst out laughing, knocking over my full glass of wine. The red liquid arced up into the air, then splattered squarely down the center of my white t-shirt.
Hubs got up to get me another glass (and a clean t-shirt) and grinned, “Then again, I think we’re good.”
It doesn’t get any better than that.
You’re right. It doesn’t get any better than that. I always say, ‘living well is the best revenge” to trolls!
Thanks, Carol! My first reactions weren’t quite so positive, so I had to wait a few weeks for a more mature reply! :)
Great Vikki. I really don’t understand why so many people respond the way they do on Scary Mommy – as if the name of the dang blog wasn’t enough to let them know to expect HUMOR. UGH!
Thank you, Tammy! I’ve never understood the trolling thing. If I don’t like someone’s post, I just move on. Not so hard! :)
Sweet ending! My favs are I don’t have to date anymore. Last week we planned at “date” to meet at 9:00 on the sofa to watch Scandal. And it’s so nice to have that +1.
Kenya, I love your date night! Hubs and I have those too, and they’re the BEST. :)
Aw, love it. And hey, we’re allowed to make light hearted fun of our spouses from time to time – we’re humor writers and they know we love ’em. I don’t understand the trolls at all. Humorless.
They go on that site expecting some sort of serious dissertation on life. It’s supposed to be funny and sarcastic, people! Oy!
Thanks, Linda! I remember years ago, some movie reviewer commented on Sylvester Stallone’s new movie and panned it because the “dialogue was a little stiff.” Uh? It was a Sylvester Stallone movie, you idiot. If you want good dialogue, watch My Left Foot. If blog trolls want deep substance, stay off the humor sites. :)
Yes to all of these! I’m always counting my blessings when it comes to my husband. Unless he’s being annoying.
Thanks, Michelle! It’s good to count our blessing every now and then. Hopefully, Hubs is counting his! :)
AMEN to that!!
Thanks, Barb! And glad you stopped by and commented. Makes me happy! :)
This makes me so happy, and so envious.
Thanks, Nancy! I’m pretty blessed (even if I’m a whacko man-hater, in need of therapy!) Loved your cold “hot” chocolate post today. Shared! :)
I haven’t been visited by the trolls yet but I’m sure I will. Hope I handle it like you. Being a happily married woman for over 23 years I get and loved both posts! Trolls get a life!
Thanks, Rena! I actually felt like I’d “arrived,” and was hoping for some sort of secret handshake for bloggers who have been trolled! Your time will come! :)
Agree with all of these. My favorite thing about being happily married is knowing someone always has my back. I never feel alone – ever.
Sharon, I love this list too! There were many more in my group pile, but these were my favorites! Marriage is GOOD. :)
What a lovely post. What can the trolls say to this? Of course I am sure they could some up with something.
Thanks, Haralee! You’re probably right. Sigh. Haters got to hate. But who trolls a humor column?? We’re the least controversial group on the planet! :)
YES! to this. All of it. I love being married….this one is my third (no judgment!) and I finally, FINALLY got it right.
I think my favorite is #13…happens all the time. But truly, I love the entire list.
Thanks, Sandy! I’m also on my third (and LAST) marriage. But it wasn’t me. Really, it wasn’t! :)
Great closing image / punch line. You two are adorbs (in that cynical, midlife, non-sugary way).
Thanks, Karen! Yes, he’s pretty adorable, and I look adorable standing next him! Bahahaha! Love seeing you on Laugh Lines! :)
Number 25! – I don’t have to dress “Do Me” all the time. Laughed out loud at that one as I sit here in an old comfy shirt and sweatpants reading your awesome Monday post. :D
Thanks, Marcia! And that was one of my favorites too. It was a fun post to write!
NEVER underestimate the importance of always having a +1, people.
Seriously.
It’s like…. so much less stress in your life. ;)
I agree, Sarah! Never having to “find a date” is wonderful! :)
Trolls can suck it!
On a happier note, marriage IS awesome. My husband and I have been married for four years and I love being with him. We laugh, do a lot of silly shit, get drunk together and have several mutual interests (photography being the most obvious one). Sure we drive each other nuts sometimes but hey, that’s love, baby. Haha.
Here’s to many more years of marital happiness for you both!
Back atcha, Kim! Thanks for joining in! :)
So many people think once you have divorced one guy how many more are you going to have? Until you find the right one people!! Second time around, 36 yrs later, your list is my life! Thks for putting it out there! Maybe some singles will read it & know what to look for!
Glad you liked it, Cheryl! And yes, we keep going til we get it right! :)
I let out a few “awwws!” while reading this. So good, can’t wait :)
Thanks, Aussa! I’m looking forward to seeing YOUR list after a few years of wedded bliss! :)
Vikki,
Those are ALL of the reasons I miss being married! I totally see the humor, but this one made me cry. BTW, I became a follower and one of your biggest fans because of your post on “Scary Mommy”. Thank you so much for your wonderful posts!
Wow, Beverly, thanks so much! You just made my day! :)
How interesting that you post an article referencing Scary Mommy today, too.
I am considering making my own list of what makes us happy, too. Great idea :-)
Cary, I’d love to read it! DO IT. :)
That was a beautiful post! There’s nothing like being married to your best friend!
Thanks, Eva! And you’re absolutely right. It’s the best! :)
I love this post with all the reminders of why a happy marriage is magic. I love that I can get a hug whenever I need one, and a shoulder to rest or cry on. Sleeping with your best friend? Doesn’t get any better than that!
I totally agree, Cathy! Glad to see you on Laugh Lines. Makes me happy! :)
Awwww, I LOVE it! I love love, and I love this piece. I agree with you 100% and have actually accomplished the same amazing feat of unintentionally accessorizing myself with wine.
Thanks so much, Foxy! I order my white t-shirts in bulk. I tend to be an arm-waver when I talk! :)
I must admit that my left eye develops an annoying twitch when I read the word marriage, so I’m pleased to announce that you can enjoy all of the above even while ‘living in sin’. It’s being in a loving relationship, no matter what the label (including our non-heterosexual couples), that brings that kind of bliss.
Katie, I should have said “marriage and other love relationships”! Thanks for chiming in. You’re right, whatever helps you find your bliss is a treasure! :)
Reading the list left tears of joy and recognition in my eyes. Yes, all of these apply! Thanks.
Thank you for that, Joan! I was delighted to see you on my blog. Thanks for commenting! :)
After 19 years of marriage he has never pissed me off more than he does now, never loved me more and never given me more material. What more can you ask? Thanks Vikki
Thank you, Kristine! Yep, where else can you be in love and pissed off at the same time? Perfect! :)
Great post as per usual! I’ve been married for 28 years and love it with all of each others imperfections. Trolls I don’t get. Not only does the blogger not like it but followers/readers don’t like it either. It’s only purpose is to be an a**hole, I have never gone to a blog and thought “maybe I’ll read a good slam from an a**hole today”. My first thought is “a**hole”, my second is “if you can say something nice, don’t say anything at all”, my third “f*off, why would you want to be an a**hole”.
Thanks Mac! And I must admit, my first responses were less than lovely. But I’ve been told that the worst thing you can do is engage, because that’s what trolls want. So I decided to make it funny! Glad you liked it! :)
Vikki, consider yourself blessed that’s the first time you’ve been “trolled.” I won’t read comments on most of my articles (and I write a bunch for many different sites) because it’s only upsetting and a bunch of crap. Just listen to your fans here who know and love your work. :) And this may help you feel better: http://time.com/8265/internet-trolls-are-actually-sadists-study-finds/
Thanks, Linda! I don’t understand trolls. If you don’t like a writer, move on. And humor trolls?? Seriously? Oh well, you’re right. Listen to your fans! :)
Haterz gonna hate. I’ve had my share; don’t worry about it! Some people don’t have a sense of humor.
Thanks for that! You’re right. Haters have got to find somewhere to hate. Sigh. In the meantime, we keep laughing! :)
Hubby and I will be married twenty-seven years next month so I know exactly what you mean on pretty much every point. I love how my husband can figure out a movie/tvshow/star that I am thinking of with very few words, that aren’t even key words. I think marriage is great.
Thanks, Redhead! 27 years? You two keep on going with your happy selves. I love that you can still think of things you love about him! :)
This was lovely Vikki. I’m looking forward to all those reasons when I get married.
Thank you, Vernette! You have so much to look forward to! Just take your time and find the one that makes you feel like these. :)
i wholeheartedly agree with every one of these, Vicki! Those trolls can suck it.
Thanks, Dana! That was my first thought too. It took me awhile to come up with another response that didn’t engage with their crap. Great to see you on Laugh Lines! :)
I agree completely, Vicki! My husband and I were made for each other. We didn’t meet until in our 30s, and I often say that I wish we had met earlier in life, so that we could have even more years together, but then we agree that we might not have liked or loved each other if we had met earlier.
xxxxx
Thanks, Karla! We’re like you two. Hubs and I went to high school together and graduated in the same year, but never dated. He was my brother’s best friend. 25 years later, we ran into each other at the first reunion I attended after graduation. The rest is history. :) Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
After 33 years together with my good lady, I’d like to think that she’d endorse all of those about me – but then again, I’m probably deluding myself!
Thank you for a great “feel-good” post.
Thanks, Gary! 33 years?? Wow! Give her the list and a red pen. You might be happily surprised! :)
I read this post and silently screamed yes to every single thing you mentioned on this list. We’ve been married for 7 years and I hope we get to 23 like you and your husband did. Sometimes we both feel like we just got married yesterday, but at the same time we feel like we have been married for a lot longer… in a positive way. Great post!
Thanks, Ana! Marriage is like that. Sometimes things we did together 10 years ago seem like yesterday, and other times, the whole marriage seems like it’s been going on for..ev…er. :)
But yet, it’s all good! Thanks for commenting!
Thanks for the inspiration, Vicki! I love columns that talk up marriage and it’s probably time for me to write one too! At nearly 30 years married, I agree with your list and it often seems like we’re a dying breed! Even HuffPost has a Wedding section and a huge Divorce section, but nothing in between–as if we married folk slip into a black hole or something! Shine on!!
Thanks, Debra, and I totally agree! It’s like aging. We’ve all got something to complain about, so every now and then I like to write something positive about it (harder to do!) :) Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Vikki,
I love your posts and often share them with my mom. This time I sent it to my husband!
Don’t let the Trolls get you down!
Thanks, Elizabeth! You just made my day! :)
Really enjoyed this post! You and your friends hit so many critical points. I’m married to a guy I met when we were both 14 (it’s not as gooey as it sounds!), and I can tell you that over the years (41!) many of those things you mention have helped us through some very tough times. The laughter, the adventures, the knowing without saying–all part of the game. And laughs? Essential. On our 20th anniversary, I raised a glass and said, “Here’s to 17 great years.”
Thanks, Risa, and congratulations on 41 years together! Wow! You two are an inspiration, and I wish you many more happy years as a team. And you’re right, laughter IS essential to making it work, especially during the rough patches. Thanks for chiming in! :)
I agree. After 35 years, we still like each other. It doesn’t get better than this.
Janie, I love that you said “After 35 years, we still like each other”! That’s sometimes harder than still loving each other. :) Love seeing you on my blog!
You are lucky to be so happy in your marriage! Yes, yes, I know, nothing is perfect, but still. Good for you! Since my divorce, i’ve written about missing many of these things. Here’s a recent post. http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/09/the-simple-pleasures-of-being-married.html
We will be celebrating our 33rd anniversary in December. I can’t believe how lucky he is! And how lucky I am. Your list is the best revenge! I love that I can relate on every point except for white clothing. I haven’t bought anything white in 25 years.
This was fantastic! Took me only one time and one troll to stop reading the comments on my blog when it was published elsewhere. Now going to pour myself some Cab.
Its amazing to have such a great connection with your husband. You’re a very lucky woman Vikki!
Loved the article. This is the second time I have read one of your articles – and I have laughed through them both. Thanks for the laughter!