Much has been written over the years on how to graciously accept a compliment. We teach our daughters to simply say “Thank you,” instead of automatically becoming self-deprecating (“This old thing? I’ve had it for years”) or coy (“Do you really?”) when someone says “I love your dress.” Personally, I’m still waiting for the day when it’s okay to reply, “You’re right. I look hot in this dress.” But God forbid we should appear vain or conceited, so we smile and voice some oversight (“But I look better with makeup”), suggesting we left the house that morning hoping, but unsure, that we looked suitable for public viewing.
Over the years (58, if you’re counting), I’ve concluded that many of us are marginally adept at receiving compliments, but woefully abysmal at giving them. We pepper our compliments with qualifiers (“for your age“) or wide-eyed, pseudo-innocence (“Gee, I could never do what you’re doing.”) The kind of statements that you’re taught to respond to with “Thank you,” while your brain is silently replying, “Bite me.”
Assuming you’re not a total male douche and still think “You know what would look good on you, baby? Me” is an acceptable compliment to any female, of any age, ever, or you’re a woman who thinks another woman, barely half-dozen years older than you, loves to be told she “looks just like your mother” (in which case you’re both so lost, I can’t help you), I’m offering up the 10 worst compliments I’ve ever personally received, in hopes of providing a glimpse into what we’re really thinking when we say “Thank you.”
1. “You look fabulous for your age.” What does that mean?? I look great because I don’t look 58? Is 58 a bad thing to look like? If I told you I was 48, would I still look fabulous, or would you be thinking “She’s only 48?? Damn, she looks 10 years older.” And when was the last time you told a 24-year-old that she looked fabulous for her age?
2. “Not many women your age can wear their hair that short.” There’s that pesky qualifier again. “Your age.” STOP THAT. So now I’m left wondering if you’re saying I shouldn’t either? This is the stepsister compliment to “My husband would never let me cut my hair that short.” What is this, 1956?? Who says “My husband wouldn’t let me…” anymore? I just smile and reply, “Yes, thankfully my hubs has a thing for human Chihuahuas.”
3. (After telling a co-worker I was starting a new diet) “You don’t need to diet. Your husband likes voluptuous women. My hubs likes thin women. But you’re lucky because you don’t have to worry about it.” Ouch. There’s so much wrong with this one, I hardly know where to start. Since you not-so-subtly stated that I’m fortunate because my husband prefers fat women, we’re just going to end our Facebook friendship right now, before this escalates into a public, online brawl, WITH CAPS.
4. “You’re 58? Congratulations.” Huh? Turning 58 is not an achievement or something we get some kind of middle-age trophy for. It just happens. All by itself. Seriously, I never put it on my Life Goals story board, so no congratulations are necessary. If you wouldn’t say it to a 30-year-old, don’t say it to a 50-year-old.
5. “Of course you can still wear a bikini. You’ve earned it. You deserve to flaunt whatever body you’ve got.” “Whatever body I’ve got??” Swell. Now I’m not going to the beach unless I’m wearing a burka. In black. At night.
6. “Older women look better a little heavier.” While this may be true, I’ve yet to meet any woman who likes to be referred to as either “older” or “heavier,” particularly in the same sentence. A double-don’t. (And for the love of God, never substitute “mature” for “older.” You’re likely to be shoved out of the car. While it’s moving.)
7. “I love your white hair. But aren’t you afraid it makes you look older?” No, actually, because that’s what I was going for. 58 seemed so, well…young, so I was going for 70. But thank you for letting me clarify that.
8. “You look great. Where do you get your work done?” Say whut?? This is the equivalent to “When are you due?” to a woman who is not pregnant. The latter suggests she’s either packing around an extra human or she’s simply fat, and the former suggests she couldn’t possibly look that good without a little surgical intervention. Either way, you better hope she’s not your Secret Santa at next year’s office Christmas party.
9. “Great dress. I admire you for still going sleeveless.” That’s okay. It’s a public service. When I raise my arms, the local meteorologist can tell the wind direction and speed by the flapping of my underarms like wind socks on a barn. You’re welcome. Now excuse me while I go get a sweater.
10. (By a saleswoman.) “You’d look great in this dress. And we have a full selection of Spanx on the second floor.” Gee thanks, but since you basically just stated that I’ll have to stuff myself into a toothpaste tube to wear the dress, I think I’ll pass.
So ladies, if we meet on the street, let’s just say “You look fabulous, dahling,” “Oh, so do you,” and leave it at that. And men, if you’re compelled to comment on a woman’s looks, a simple “You’re pretty” (or some similar, straightforward variation thereof) will be less likely to result in her feeling compared to your mother and/or accidentally (oops) spilling her drink in your lap.
Until we meet again. Did I mention you look hot in that dress?
Bahahahahaha, this list is AWESOME! I’m going to print it out right now and save it for when I’m as old as you…Wait, I mean… Umm… You are, no doubt, a beautiful woman Mizz Vikki and I literally love your face. #9 is undoubtedly my favorite. And made me laugh out loud. You’re way funnier than my mother. ;)
I love this
This world would be a better place to live in if we had more people like you!!
God bless you
Helen
“Bite me” is a phrase that doesn’t get used nearly enough. I once had a woman who has known me for year say, “Have you lost weight?” when I was 6 months pregnant. Bite me would have been the perfect response.
Love this. Thanks for starting my Monday off with a laugh.
So much wrong with those “compliments”. I think the one that really irks me the most is when people tell me I look good for my age. I want to scream – I look good for your age, too!!! But I usually just sort of say, “oh”.
Totally ok to say Bite Me on all of the above, and really a rogue punch in the face might be acceptable too.
I’m looking forward to losing my filter enough to say just that, “Bite me.” In the meantime, to all of these “compliments” I’ve found it works to ask “What did you just say?” (pause) “That’s what I thought you said.”
I thought it was already acceptable to respond to a compliment by saying, “You’re right. I look hot in this dress.”
Great list. You helped me start my day with a laugh.
So glad to be starting my afternoon off with a laugh. I like Susan’s comment…”What did you just say? That’s what I thought you said.” And walk away. Sometimes I do wonder what people are thinking. *Shaking head.*
It really is fascinating to consider all of the things that people will say, simply because they’ve heard them said before and never actually thought them through. Pretty hilarious, too. Thanks for the laugh- my Monday needed it.
Perfect!!! I have always hated those backhanded compliments, but they do make good blog posts!! I loved this one, thanks!!
Seriously? Someone told you you look good “for your age”. Do people ever listen to what is coming out of their mouth? You are the poster girl for restraint. You can say “bite me” anytime you want. I just say “just shoot me now!”
I did laugh a little though. Laugh lines are a good thing at my age.
Bite me – a very appropriate reply to any of these “compliments”
Lol, especially #9.
Now to anonymously send this post to everyone I know…
for someone your age, you rock!
;-)
They say: “You look fabulous … for your age.”
You say: “Thanks, that’s very kind … for an inconsiderate imbecile.”
A great list! #9 is the public service.
Excellent list! Hoping I’ve never accidentally said almost something like this… :)
Love this and I think bite me is an appropriate response!
You look hot on this blog.
I remember Miss Manners saying the answer, when a young woman says, “You look incredible; I hope I look like you when I get to be your age,” is to answer (hold back the snark if you can), “But my dear, you have such a long way to go.”
OMG people are so damn rude ….. By the way, You look hot in that dress too!
Have I told you lately that I love you! ROTF!
I love these comments and your rebuttals to them. I am so guilty of putting my foot in my mouth a lot with comments like these. So, it’s good to hear your perspective on these.
Is it the glass of wine, or is this the funniest thing I have read in a very long time. I repeat. I love you. Will you marry me?
Another great post! Love it!
Who needs a weather vane with arms like mine! I’ve had the sales gal direct me to the Spanx,, too. Really?! Excellent and hilarious list!
My kids and their friends LOVE to flap my “chicken wings” they call them… yup. And I am a DECADE YOUNGER than you!! And damn, I look so good for my age! LOL
Awesome post! Awful compliments. Good Lord, they are awful! Find a new office, or find a new town to live in. You’re too damn cute for that treatment!
Well with compliments like that, who needs insults? Amiright or amiright? I was once trying on clothes in Nordstrom (I don’t know why I thought that was a good idea) and the sales girl kept bringing me all these ridiculous clothes to try on that she said were ‘fashionable’. When I couldn’t squeeze into the stupid skinny jeans, she said–loudly–“Oh, that’s because you have a bubble butt!” I left all the clothes in the change room, grabbed my husband, and burst into tears as soon as I got out of the store. Thank you lady, for bringing up what has been my most disliked issue all my life.
I hope you get better compliments than the ones above most of the time!
hahahahaha I doubt anyone has ever said any of those to you, unless out of complete and total catty jealousy. You are so right about accepting compliments! In our family, if you me or my oldest sister that you like a shirt, you’ll get a full description of WHERE we got it, and how LITTLE we paid for it. We really need to stop that. My other sister says I need make a Bucket List, just so I can add “Learn to accept a compliment” to that list :)
I have stopped being polite about the pregnant question. I don’t even respond, I just stare.
Great post!
My late grandmother used to say to any girl I was with who didn’t look like a stick-insect, “You’ve got child-bearing hips, dear”.
This was awesome! I have trained hubby that when he is in any kind of trouble (often) it is best to just reply — “I love you. You’re so pretty!”
I love this post so much, and no “Women of a certain age?” Or “Wow, you look great!” after not seeing me for a year and I’ve gained 20 lbs.
My husband is 59, for some ridiculous reason people always ask him how old he is, he always makes people guess his age, they always guess younger (he has good genes) and he says “Wow! You’re good!”
Although I have told my sister, “If that chick can where a bikini, so can you!” But she’s my sister and she needed the confidence boost :-)
I’m just going to lean in real close and shout BITE ME to anyone who gives me a backhanded compliment. Thanks for the idea!! You will get full credit.
Love it. Oh an I have said Bite Me on several times. Like you would look younger if U colored your hair. I have always wore my hair long. Love when people say are you ever going to cut your hair an look your age. Said when I’m dead I don’t care what you do to it. So I moved South. We have a religion that all where it long so I fit in. Well except for the long dressed. There I’m not going. An yes I just love it when they say You look just like your Mom. Having 2 girls they are already getting it. LOL. So at almost 58. Dresses are out. Long hair in. An I will say Bite Me.
Compliments should never be passive/aggressive, it sort of misses the whole point of a compliment. So “bite me” sounds like the perfect response.
I’m co-hosting the Blog Strut blog hop and found you there. So glad I did, I needed a laugh today.
Hilarious. I’m laughing til I’m crying and my Love thinks I’ve gone completely mad.
Visiting from The Blog Strut and so happy I stopped by. Thanks ever so much for the sheer happiness of your words.
Oh shit…I’m laughing so hard right now! I’ve heard some of these…I swear! What is wrong with people? And yes, I said BITE ME! That’s how I roll, baby. :)
My cheeks hurt. I’ve received a few of those. One person said “you work so hard to look young.” Um. Thanks? My husband’s biggest compliment is: “You look fine”. BITE ME!
I’m practicing that right now. BITE ME BITE ME BITE ME.
Love this! For a woman, my age, of course!
Hi Vikki! I’m staring at my laptop and cracking up like a lunatic. My husband is giving me looks. You always do this to me! Ha,ha! Thank you!
“If you wouldn’t say it to a 30-year-old, don’t say it to a 50-year-old.” may be the best compliment advice I ever heard. Thanks for that and a good laugh. You’re pretty funny for a kid (I’m more than 20 years older than you).
My husband loves number 1 and acts completely offended when I give the look of death. I need a good comeback for him.
It is so hard to except a compliment to begin with let alone dealing with a snarky, fake compliment.
Sitting in jury duty and needed that laugh! Cannot believe someone actually said any of these but seriously, “where do you get your work done?” That deserves a response like ” your motha”
I know I’ve said a few of those things to my friends. I need a hair shirt, a time out, and maybe grounded from the car. . .
Good God. That is all I can say. Good God. People are so bizarre.
YUP. Bite me…
Your list is sooo funny and all true Vikki!!!
I think bite me is appropriate to any of those compliments.
Oops! Is ‘bite me’ not acceptable? This is hysterical! I love them all but laughed harder than I thought possible at the one about sleeveless and wind direction. Love it….and what the hell is that arm flapping crap, anyway?