Hubs was heading out the door to go fishing, and I called out, “Are you going to be back in time to mow the yard?” He turned back and replied, “Apparently. What time were you thinking?” “I wasn’t,” I said, “Last night, I thought you said you were going to mow the yard today.” “Bahaha,” he stated, “When a woman asks you if you’re going to do something, she really means when are you going to do it? I’ll be back by 4, and yes, I’ll mow the lawn today.”
Writers often get inspiration from the briefest moments in life. Something seen while driving, a headline on a favorite magazine, or something someone says that makes you laugh, instantly gets your brain thinking “How do I write about this?” This was one of those moments.
I immediately called several male friends, ex-husbands, brothers, and dads, and asked them for specifics on their interpretations of things their wives commonly say. They cheerfully and enthusiastically offered up some hilarious quotes. Here are the ones that made me laugh out loud.
She says: “Are you mowing the lawn today?”
He translates: “You’re mowing the lawn today. Suit up.”
She says: “Work today was just crazy. Do you know what Sally said to Bob??”
He translates: “Settle in for the evening, buddy, because you’re about to get a blow-by-blow of my eight-hour day, about a bunch of people you don’t know and don’t give a crap about.”
She says: “Are you stopping at the store for anything today?”
He translates: “Here’s a list of the 117 things we need at Safeway. Please pick them up on your way home.”
She says: “I’m going shopping. My favorite store is having a sale.”
He translates: “I’m picking up that gorgeous $600 handbag I’ve been coveting because it’s finally on sale for $450.”
She says: “You look super hot in those jeans.”
He translates: “I’m getting laid!”
She says: “You were really great with my parents tonight.”
He translates: “I’m so getting laid!”
She says: “Are you even listening to me?”
He translates: “There’s going to be a test, because I don’t think you give a rip about what I’m saying, Jackass.”
She says: “I have no idea where your old college sweatshirt is. I don’t keep track of your clothes.”
He translates: “I threw that ridiculous rag away because it’s ugly and I’m embarrassed to be seen with you in it.”
She says: “That guy over there is coming on to me.”
He translates: “You need to get up and go tell him to back off. Yes, I can see that he’s 6’2″ and outweighs you by 50 pounds, but grow a pair and go defend my honor.”
She says: “Are you gaining a little weight?”
He translates: “You’re fat, and from now on, all sexual activity will be conducted in the dark, Porkchop.”
She says: “Wow, my car is really dirty.”
He translates: “Would you wash my car? That would be great. Does today work for you?”
She says: “Can we talk?”
He translates: “You’re one response away from being a dead man because, make no mistake, I’m not happy and it’s your fault. So listen and think very carefully before you say another word.”
She translates: “Do you think she’s pretty?”
He translates: “Alert. Alert. She’s absolutely stunning, but if you say that, I’m going to be forced to go all freaky ninja on your ass, so just look confused and say ‘Who?'”
She says: “Do you know what today is?”
He translates: “I celebrate all of our special moments. First date, first kiss, first dance. Because this relationship is important to me. Isn’t it important to you?? Walk through that minefield, Big Guy.”
She says: “I’ve been thinking.”
He translates: “Grab a beer and a comfy chair, because this is going to take awhile. My mom needs a place to stay until their divorce is final, so I think we should offer to let her stay here. Forget the beer. You’re going to need Scotch.”
She says: “I think our sex life is fine.”
He translates: “Our sex life is boring. And so are you.”
She says: “Notice anything new, dear?”
He translates: “You’ve got about 15 seconds to figure out what’s different about me (Did I cut my hair, lose weight, shave my vajayjay?) before I tell all my girlfriends that you’re a total douche who doesn’t pay attention to his wife.”
She says: “Are you having another drink?”
He translates: “Do I need to find the local Al-Anon, you lush?”
She says: “Do you know how much fat and how many calories are in that??”
He translates: “Put down the fork, Chubby, because you could afford to bang off a few pounds. Have you considered at least easing up on the cheese?”
She says: “No, there’s nothing wrong.”
He translates: “You stepped in it, big time. But you’re going to have to figure it out because I’m too pissed to tell you exactly what you did.”
And so for all your lamenting over the years, guys, about how mysterious and confusing women can be, it would appear that you know us better than you thought.
So funny and accurate Vikki. I’m going to share!
Estelle
Thanks, Estelle! I love shares! :)
Loved-One shared this one with me:
I say: “That’s an idea.”
He interprets: “No way in hell.”
Adela, that’s perfect! It will go on “Woman-Speak, Part II”! :)
Hahahaha! Yep, all of these!
Hi Aussa! Love to see you on Laugh Lines. Thanks for stopping by! :)
All are totally true!!! Thank you, again, Vikki, for the smiles!
Anytime, Beverly! So glad I could bring you some giggles! :)
LOVE IT, GIRLFRIEND!!!
Thanks, Gorgeous! This was a really fun one to write! :)
This is pure perfection!!! And, oh so true!
Yes, Gigi, it’s SO true! So maybe we aren’t so hard to understand as men keep claiming? :)
You nailed it! Nice job.
Thanks, Risa! :)
Thank you for clarifying that it appears they have understood us all along! LOL
Women are from Venus, men are from Mars. Yes, different languages! Thanks for this fun take on it!
Love this one and oh so true!
Funny post! I can identify with most of those interpretations.
And by the way, is “vajayjay” some Indian fella who lives with the two of you?