Generally speaking, I love the outdoors. Warm summer temperatures make me want to ride a bike, plant flowers, go for evening “Howdy, Neighbor” walks to wave at all the people we haven’t seen since last summer, and spend long, lazy days in the sun with a fat book.
Unfortunately, Mother Nature doesn’t appear to reciprocate my feelings. In fact, the argument could be made that somewhere along the line, I must have pissed her off. Maybe it was the baby mongoose I accidentally ran over in 1979 (In my defense, he ran back across the street a second time). Or possibly the bounteous pear tree I dropped a 12-foot ladder on while picking fruit one summer as a teenager, splitting in perfectly in two, effectively assuring it would never again bear fruit.
Whatever her reasons, Mother has obviously determined that I was put on this earth for her personal amusement, and she mocks me at every turn.
By now, at 57, the evidence is irrefutable.
– One gorgeous day, I decided to do some weeding in our yard. Struggling valiantly, but unsuccessfully, to uproot a dying shrub with roots that apparently crossed three states, I finally shouted, “Game on, Mama,” and anchored my foot against the house. Using my full, not-inconsiderable body weight, I gave the ugly little ball of foliage a HEAVE-HO yank. Sweaty and triumphant, I was also sprawled on my back like an overturned beetle, showered with a dump truck-size pile of dirt and a truly disturbing variety of underground creepy crawlers exploring parts of me Hubs hasn’t seen in weeks. I’m not actually sure who won that one.
– Our previous home had seven large fir trees in the front yard that created a cool, shaded park-like area. But the branches often grew long and droopy enough to hit your head when you walked under them, necessitating annual trimming. One year, I was having a blast whacking and snipping, rocking to my iPod, but it seemed impossible to get them even. Trimmed one branch, and another drooped down in its place. Trimmed that one, and both branches immediately bounced back up, leaving a large hole to the sky. Someone was messing with me.
By the time Mother Nature and I achieved mutual symmetry, four hours later, our lush tree grove had gone from “majestic” to “breezy,” with 40 years worth of old growth lying on the ground. No amount of explaining ever got Hubs to buy that it was Mother Nature’s fault, but I know it was her.
– Last spring, Hubs had spent weeks chasing a mole around our yard, trying to catch the little rodent before he and his home boys dug up the Lost City of Atlantis under our house. One day I spotted a leaf blower in the driveway. Hmmm. I stuffed the blower down the mole hole and fired it up, planning to blow the little hamster into the sky. Ten seconds later, I was completely covered with back-blow dirt and mud, and I swear I could hear the entire mole population cheering for the home team. Was that really necessary, Mother?
– One year, as fall turned to winter, Hubs announced that it was time to pull up the flowers. He was thinking about a weekend project for himself, but I thought I’d surprise him. While he was at work, I spent the entire day in OCD overdrive, heaving, hoeing, and digging up every last petal, stem, leaf, and root system from the hard-packed dirt in every garden around our house, piling it all into a large heap in the driveway.
When he pulled in that evening, I ran out with a proud smile, expectantly awaiting his enthusiastic and grateful response, but he was yelling, “OMG, woman, you even tore up the perennials?!?” “The perennial what?” I asked, sensing he wasn’t quite as thrilled as I’d anticipated. “Perennails are the flowers that come up every summer without replanting” he shot back, waving his arms. “Oh,” I said, looking over at the soggy pile in the driveway. “That may be true in theory, but these…well, probably not so much.”
By the way Hubs carried on, you’d think I’d accidentally shot his dog. It seems to me that Mama Nature could have sent out some kind of cosmic “Nope, Not These” sign for gardening novices at any point during the day, but apparently she’s not a team player.
– As you may have guessed, Hubs is usually in charge of the yard and the landscaping. He loves it, and is extremely picky about how the grass and the flowers are cared for. One sunny weekend, I offered to help him water the four huge hanging flower pots in the front of the house. He gave me only slightly condescending, specific instructions on how to use the hose wand, lightly spraying the centers until water streamed out the bottom holes.
I quickly discovered that even with the attachment, when you’re barely 5’3″, those baskets are difficult to reach. But if I stood directly underneath, on my tip-toes, I could reach the center of the pot. It would seem I didn’t think that one through. Three minutes later, as water began streaming out of the bottom of the pot, I was taking a Miracle Grow-and-dirt shower. Hubs was doubled over with laughter as he looked up towards the sky and said, “BOOM. And that’s how it’s done, Mother Nature.” Again, Mama? Seriously??
– Recently, in anticipation of warm summer evenings, sharing a fabulous bottle of Cabernet with Hubs on the deck of my favorite restaurant, I shot my paycheck on a rockin’ little black dress and wildly overpriced strappy sandals. I came home to find a large metal fishing boat in the driveway. With two poles. Apparently in all those chats about how we planned to spend our summer weekends together, one of us wasn’t paying attention. Hubs says I’m going to be the best-dressed woman on the river.
And so begins another summer with Hubs, me, and Mother Nature.
I can already hear the fish laughing.
Wow! Clearly you aren’t meant for yard work–which is a good thing, right?
Yes, Walker, I’m thinking that might be true! Time for a chaise lounge and a glass of wine! :)
I find that there is nothing more therapeutic than trimming shrubs with the ‘lopper’. Sure, you may end up with twigs but didn’t you feel somewhat better after pruning that tree? I think you should consider that one a win. And now run back to the deck with your book and wine, you don’t want to push it!!
Laura, it is quite therapeutic to me, but the plants don’t seem to be feeling it. So much for being “at one” with nature! :)
I’m not allowed to do yard work either, I’ve been banned!
Rena, yep, Hubs has locked up all the gardening equipment. Oh well, now he can’t complain that’s is all up to him! :)
My hubby was the gardener during the course of our marriage — he wouldn’t let me anywhere near his beautifully tended garden. Worked for me. :)
I’m with you, Roz! I’m learning to resist the urge to help, while sitting on the chaise lounge, sipping a lovely Cabernet, watching Hubs get that yard perfect! :)
My Hubs is also very particular about the lawn and its landscape and when we were newly married, I used to try and surprise help him, too. This NEVER ever worked out. I either didn’t do the job properly (by doing it exactly the way he would have done it) or I screwed it up entirely. Hub always did his best to be pleasant about my yard work screw-ups because he knew I’d only been trying to help, but I could tell that my “help” was causing him a whole lot of additional work instead – so I stopped helping. Now I find myself glad that I botched up the surprise help yard work way back when. I have enough work to keep busy with inside the house and a lot less energy than I did back then. I’m perfectly content letting him be king of the yard … just as long as he doesn’t interfere with me being queen of the house.
Marcia, we do the same thing. Everything INSIDE the house is my domain, and everything OUTSIDE the house (inc. the garage) is Hubs’. So far, so good! :)
Vickie it’s best you just sit on the deck, wine glass in hand with milk duds on the ready & let Hubs do it all!
Cheryl, You’re right! Living the dream, girl! :)
Oh. Thank god I’m not the only one out there who prefers it indoors.
I guess you’re not going camping anytime soon either, huh?
Anne-Marie, believe it or not, we’re taking the trailer up into the woods (okay, it’s an RV park) for FIVE DAYS next week! I’m not sure what happened the last time we went camping, but I loved it. Who would’ve thought?? :)
I say if he loves it, and is particular, you should just sit back and let him go to it while you enjoy a cool drink in the shade! Cheers ~Lindy
Lindy, that’s exactly what I thought! So I did. :) Loved seeing you here. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
My step-dad once tried to get rid of a mole in his yard by sticking a garden hose down the hole. He turned the water on full force then bent down to get a closer look. What he got was a face full of water and a near attack by a pissed off mole.
Mo, I think I like your dad… :)
It was the mongoose. Yep. I’m certain of it. Revenge is sweet, he says. It’s sweet.
Carol, I KNEW it! Good Lord, I practically drove off the road to avoid the little ferret the FIRST time he ran across, but then he turned around and ran back into the road, and…well, you know the rest. I felt terrible, and his downline obviously put a hex on me for life! :)
Okay, your gardening abilities sound on a par with mine. My only consolation is my husband is considerably worse at it than I am. He’d have been the one hauling up the perennials.
Yvonne, it’s amazing how many people I’m discovering that don’t know any more than I do about yardwork, when we all love beautiful yards! Guess that’s why landscapers can charge what they do. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Too funny, I’d back away from nature while you can!
Thanks, Haralee! And yes, I’m letting Hubs and Mother Nature take charge of all things plant-like. I tried, I failed, I’m done. Bring out the wine! :)
Why you might not want to wear that dress while fishing but the cabernet could definitely help. Mother nature always seems more amenable when drinking wine!
Kathy, I’m going all in! I bought the dress and the shoes, and I’m wearing them, fish or no fish. Pics to follow! :)
Oh my gosh Vicki, you always, always make me laugh. I could give you some advice but it just too much fun to read about your life!
Be well.
b+
Thanks, b+! The nicest thing you could say to a humor writer! :)
Okay. That was funny.
My, what a “Vikki” story does for my soul :-)
I was going to murder that attorney, but I’ve decided to let her live, for the time being, because of you, darling. Bless her heart…
Thank you for a good, hard, laugh!
You’re welcome, Ms. Marta! You know I love seeing you on Laugh Lines! (And tell that cranky attorney to lighten up!) :)
As my sister says, “Next time I enjoy Nature, it will be from a museum.” You are welcome to use both her phrase and her attitude. While NOT gardening. Smart move on that. You are one step ahead of the hubs. Maybe not the rodents though…
No, the rodents kicked my a**. But I’m with Sissy, I love landscape paintings! :)
My husband was always in charge of the outside. But he loved it so much (and I loved him) that I wanted to spend time out there with him. Now I am thankful that he taught me everything he knew. Thank goodness. Nothing is better therapy for me than pulling weeds and playing in the dirt
I agree, Paula, it’s immediate gratification! But I really need a flow chart that says “Here, but not HERE.” :)
You aptitude for gardening is on a par with my own. The combination of you and mother nature is a formidable one, comparable to Bonnie & Clyde! Another hilarious post.
Thanks, Gary, so glad you enjoyed it! I’m thinking you and I need a lawn maintenance crew on speed dial, if for no other reason than to repair our fails? :)
Mother Nature sure does run the roost, doesn’t she? Having lived in the country since 1982, I’ve sure had my bouts with her: a houseful of honeybees, squirrels drilling holes in our cedar shakes, black moths hiding in every possible nook and cranny in the house, 8 inches of clear rain water in the basement after a power outage caused the sump pump to malfunction. I could go on. Those were all in our previous house. We outran Mother Nature when we moved 7 years ago, and she has been much kinder to us in our new abode. Keep smiling!
Thanks, Doreen! Yes, Mother Nature is a fickle old broad, isn’t she? Someday, she’s stop laughing at me! :)
Lol, that Mother Nature can be a real bitch, you know that!!? Your husband sounds like my wife. Can’t be thankful that we tried, but gotta rub it in about the perennials. The perennials should have said something before you tore them out, if they’re so great.
Don, EXACTLY. Mother Nature can be a bitch, Hubs should’ve been grateful for the effort, AND those damn perennials should have spoken up! :)
You and I apparently sport the same thumb color, and it’s not green, Sister! Haha! Love your post…so funny :)
Thanks, Julie! I’m amazed at many non-green-thumbs I’m meeting up with this week! Seems you and I are part of a huge club. Works for me! :)
You always make me laugh! I’m with you, I’ll garden a little every now and then and mow weekly, but if you want it done your way do it yourself. I only plant perennials because why would I want to do that more than once, I use the lawnmower to keep the cover down and clip the bulbs & ferns, vinegar around the fence so I don’t have to use the weed eater which in reality eats nothing and makes a big mess. The hubs laughs but says nothing. I caught him spraying the vinegar the other day, who’s laughing now.
Mac, I’m impressed! You can work the lawnmower and the despised weed whacker? C’mon over, the wine is breathing! :)
LOL! My husband is the same..very possessive about his garden and allows me to do only specific activities under his direct supervision! I’m sure you can see how that would play out!!
I, like Woody Allen, am at two with nature.
It’s nice to know I’ve got company.
omg! The same thing happens here. I start pulling things and my husband gets so angry when it turns out I’ve yanked something un-weedy. I love that he’s so nurturing and all that, but dang!
Love it! Miracle Gro and dirt shower…haha! I probably would not have been laughing though. I like to pick things (like the veggies in my pots) but that’s about it. I probably should go out and weed but I haven’t. I’d like my son to tackle it. The funny thing is, he liked weeding when he worked on a farm…now that there isn’t pay involved, not so much. I might have to just offer some cash to get it done before our yard looks like the house has been abandoned….I don’t think my husband is going to do it anytime soon either.