Best friend. Bestie. BFF.
No matter what you call her, she’s the one person you know will always be there for you. No matter what. When something bad happens to you, she’s there with a box of tissues, chocolate, and wine. When you have something to celebrate, she’s there with balloons, chocolate, and wine. She’s your “person.”
Best friend status can take years to develop, and by that time, we say things like “We know everything about each other,” or “We have no secrets in our friendship,” or my favorite, “We’re always totally honest with each other.”
Really? Always??
A recent survey among women ages 30-50 showed that women sometimes aren’t totally truthful with their BFFs. It seems there are certain things we can’t admit, even to her (or sometimes, specifically to her). Maybe we know it would upset her, hurt her feelings, or damage her marriage. Or maybe it’s about us and it’s too embarrassing to admit, even to a bestie. So we omit, qualify, hedge, deny, and yes, sometimes outright lie, in our efforts to preserve the friendship and the way we see each other.
Curious as to the validity of these findings, I conducted my own informal research and crowdsourced a group of women about secrets they kept from their best friends. I asked each of them what they would tell her BFF if she was seated across from her and being “totally honest.” Their responses were varied and fascinating.
1. “I weigh more than I say I do. By a lot. You know I’m overweight, but I’m embarrassed to tell you exactly how much. Then you’ll know how fat I really am.” (This one actually made sense to me. But then, I refuse to get weighed at my doctor’s office because I don’t want her to know the number. Like she cares.)
2. “I exaggerate my husband’s income. Your Hubby earns almost twice what mine does. I don’t want you to think I married a loser.” (Personally, I like rich friends. They come in handy when your credit card gets denied after you’ve offered to buy the next round.)
3. “I think your husband is total tool. And so does everyone else in our group. He hits on every woman that can’t outrun him, including me.” (The Mac Daddy of things I would never tell a girlfriend. No woman ever wants to hear that her husband is a cheating douche and that she’s the only one in the book club that didn’t know it.)
4. “Yes, those jeans do make you look fat. Low-rise skinnies should never be part of a post-menopausal woman’s closet. But hey, if you love them, I’m not saying a word.” (But please wear longer shirts, so I don’t have a rear-view visual of your butt crack every time you sit down. Love you, girl, but a 55-year-old butt crack is just, well…wrong.)
5. “You intimidate the hell out of me. With your trendy clothes, gorgeous hair, and flawless skin. I feel like ‘Sara, Plain & Tall’ next to you. I’d really love to see you in yoga pants and no makeup, just once. But you’d probably rock that look too. You’re killing me here.” (I’ve got one of those. She wakes up and looks fabulous. All mussed-up long hair and sleepy eyes. I look like I’ve been snoring on a plane for five hours. Bed hair, yesterday’s makeup, and drool on the side of my face. Only one of us ever gets an offer at home for morning sex.)
6. “Your grown kids still use you like a human ATM. I mean, can’t they pay for anything themselves? Those kids have been ‘trying’ for years and don’t seem to have made any progress. You not helping them. You’re enabling them.” (Be very careful with this one. It’s a landmine. Any hint to a mother that her grown progeny is not living like an adult can implode your friendship faster than a Hollywood marriage can hit the skids. )
7. “Hubs and I haven’t had sex in six months. But based on your tales of nightly Kama Sutra workouts, I’m quite sure you’ve never had a dry spell in your 20 years of marriage. Or probably ever.” (I’ve always wondered about couples who say they do the deed almost every night. And they’re both in their 50s. I mean, c’mon people. Stop making the rest of us feel like sexual plankton and admit that you’re making that up.)
8. “No, I don’t think your grandchildren are the cutest, smartest, and best-behaved toddlers ever born. She’s two and still looks like Yoda. And the boy has got a real future in the fast food industry.” (Ouch. Picking on somebody’s child is dangerous territory. But insult a woman’s grandchildren, and she will take you down.)
9. “No, I don’t agree that you should wear your daughter’s clothes because you wear the same size. I understand that you’re both a size 6. But feel free to go ahead and tell me another 400 times. Gee, THAT doesn’t make me feel fat in my size 14 granny panties. And crop tops with a short denim skirt at your age? Really??” (This one I might blurt out, after enough wine. Women too often think that just because they can, they should. But trying to look 20-something sexy at 60 makes you look less “hot” and more “hot mess.”)
11. “I’m not always thrilled for you when you lose 10 pounds, get a promotion and a big, fat raise, or buy a fabulous new house, while I’m still chubby, still in the same job, and still living in a double-wide next to my parents.” (We want to be happy for you. Really, we do. Sometimes you just make it so hard.)
And so it would seem that we are all simply human, and that the best friendships are about honesty, tempered with generous doses of kindness. And knowing when to shut up.
But be honest. Do these jeans make me look fat?
No those jeans do NOT make you look fat! lol Love this article. Was a little afraid to read it since my best friend just died but it did make me laugh and think of her in a good way. Thank you! Hugs
Thank you, Teresa. I’m so pleased that I could bring you a smile in a difficult time. Hugs to you, my friend.
OMG! And by the way, nothing makes You look fat!!
Hahaha, Cate! And that’s not entirely true, but thank you for kind words! :)
I have to totally agree! Those are definitely “stay the hell away from” subjects in my book! My BFF lives 400 miles away so I get to avoid most of those anyway thank goodness!
You’re right, Rena! Distance helps keeps us from oversharing because you see someone every day and you forget the boundaries. :)
Yup, there are just some things you never say!
It’s funny though … over time, the things you wanted to say are best left unsaid because they tend to fix themselves anyway. Like the “hate hubby” thing — either she divorces him because he really is a complete jerk, or he figures out how important you are to his wife and becomes gentler and kinder. Or the “spoiled kid” thing — they do eventually grow up into some sort of independence, it just takes them longer to get there.
Meanwhile, because you choose to remain silent, nothing is held against you and you can be the friend you want to be for them for a long, long time … and there’s nothing better than that.
Exactly, T.O.! We don’t have to rush to judgement about every little thing, and not every opinion needs to be expressed. Sometimes we’re a better friend when we just mind our own damn business and stay quiet. :)
Guys don’t have this problem, we always lie about sex and everyone knows it, and we only talk about football and other sports and everything is spoken of with sports references…anything personal is out of bounds
You’re funny, Cranky! I had three older brothers, two ex-husbands, and a dad and stepdad (one each). And they’re all horrified by how much information the women in their share with each other! :)
Oh my gosh, I’m dying here. Especially over this: “She’s two and still looks like Yoda. And the boy has got a real future in the fast food industry.” I bet you had a blast writing this. It sure was fun reading it. Sheesh, I’m all paranoid now about what my friends are really thinking.
Julie, I did have fun with this one. I’m so I brought you a morning giggle! And don’t worry, your best friends will never tell you, because they love you. :)
Of course those jeans do not make you look fat. Should be a brand of jeans, “These jeans don’t make me look fat”!
Some are mine fields no doubt but some I have said with love like “you are a wee bit too old to wear belly shirts”, or “No one wants to hear or cares that you are so small you buy sweaters in the boy’s department”or “I know your husband is a prankster but he makes me uncomfortable grinding up against me at parties”.
Haralee, what a great idea! We need to find a designer of jeans for women with hips and call them “These Jeans Don’t Make Me Look Fat,” or TJDMMLF on the butt! And I agree, some things can be said, if done so with love. And sober. :)
So true! Being honest with each other probably could’ve saved me from a bestie breakup. I’ll have to use this list as a reminder if I am so lucky to snag another bestie in my life.
I agree, Sarah! When we find these fabulous women, we need to treat them well (and kindly)! :)
Are we EVER really ‘truthful’ with everyone/anyone? I don’t think so. I’d have to start with being totally truthful to myself and THAT could get messy– and expensive! HA!
Haha, Cheryl! Most of could use some introspection. But it seems it’s more common to inspect someone else! :)
When it comes to diplomacy, no Secretary of State has anything on us women! Another funny and on-target post, Vikki!
Thanks, Roxanne! Yes, we do the learn the art of the “little kind lie” (or we do if we want to have any friends)! :)
I love the one about the 2 yr. old who still looks like Yoda. My son went through the longest ugly/awkward stage on the planet and I was the first to admit it, although I always had hope. He turned out to be a gorgeous man, so you can’t give up hope.
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Thank, Barbara! I once saw a photo of Angelina Jolie as a young girl. Wow. You would never have guessed how gorgeous she would become! :)
No, those jeans do not make you look fat. You’re stunning. And so was your list. Aren’t we women hysterical?? And I always look at men and their egos . . .
Kimberly XO
Thanks, Kimberly! So glad you enjoyed it. And since I can’t see my butt in my jeans, I have to rely on the goodness of my friends to tell me yay or nay (but gently). :)
Love this post as I just stepped over a boundary with my BFF. Trounced on areas I KNOW are challenging for her in my desire to be honest about a subject I am passionate about. Yikes! But weight is for sure one thing and clothing – OMG! Love the humour; love my BFF!
Thanks, Eileen! I’m with you. Sometimes my brain says Shut. Up., but my mouth has a mind of its own! :)
Hahaha what a wonderful laugh! Yet it’s so true – we do keep things from even our besties and it’s often so right that we do. Loved reading this and you look perfect in the jeans. :) Found you through Grand Social.
Thanks, Tamuria! You’re right, it IS the right thing to do. :)
Searingly insightful and true! Suggested # 12) No, I don’t think your daughter/son/niece/cousin is the smartest/most creative/most talented of all people I have ever known….and your jeans look like they fit just right.
You’re funny, Judith! And yes, #12 should have been in there! :)
No! Those jeans are PERFECT!
And this is spot on.
Thanks, Michelle! I have 20 pairs of jeans because I’m still searching for that perfect pair. Maybe it’s not the jeans… :)
The one about children is the best. Don’t ever say anything negative or constructive about anyone else’s children or you might as well put you head on a chopping block. All mother’s are like mother bears when it comes to their kids. Thanks for the laughs.
You’re welcome, Linda! Like most people, I didn’t learn that I had a child. You’re right. Insult my kid and I’ll have to hurt you. :)
So much truth here in the humor. It’s funny because it’s true – all of it. I’ve been on both sides of this and I think it just highlights how delicate female friendships can be. They can be amazingly steadfast – absolutely. But why is there always that underlying competition among women? It’s kind of sad. Perhaps the best thing to do is acknowledge that we all feel this way at some point – or make someone else feel this way – and remember to tread lightly and with compassion.
Great post – almost spit out my coffee.
Thanks, Lisa! And I agree. There often seems to be a tiny level of competition between women, and it’s odd, because we all share similar anxieties and insecurities. Maybe we need to verbalize those from time to time, so we know it’s not “just us.” :)
I happen to really adore my BFFs two progeny. Now. When they were little they were um, special…… I kept my mouth shut during their “interesting” phases as I loved my BFF. And lo and behold, her children turned into amazing teens whom I genuinely enjoy. Whew!
Sending this to my BFF:)
What an eye-opening post about women and BFFs! Oh, the secrets we keep! And it is a balancing act! Some women tip the scales and shoot from the hip, others are silent. I think I’m some where in the middle!