The Christmas season is finally over, with barely a chance to take a breath before retailers began frantically loading their shelves with Valentine’s Day cards, gifts, and ads extolling the romantic features of wind-up, plastic teddy bears. Many women, like me, love Valentine’s Day. It’s about romance, falling in love, and tiny cherubs flying around in the clouds, shooting tiny arrows through the hearts of mortals to signal the successful pairing of potential soul mates.
For men, Valentine’s Day is often a bit more practical. It’s the universe’s way of giving you a Do-Over day. 24 hours to give her the romantic gift you didn’t get her for Christmas. Yes, in fact, she did need new brake pads for her car, but as a Christmas gift, it lacked a certain level of intimacy. Yeah, it sucked.
Any gift to your wife should be personal and thoughtful. But on Valentine’s Day, she wants to feel especially loved, cherished, and important to you. She wants bragging rights with her girlfriends, so they know what a lucky woman she is to be married to a sweetheart like you. You’re right, it can be a lot of pressure for a man.
To help you out, and ensure that you’re still happily married on February 15th, here’s a list of bad Valentine’s Day gifts received by women from their misguided, but well-intended husbands. If you’re considering any of these, be very careful (and include a really, really nice card).
Cliche gifts. Think generic flowers and heart-shaped boxes of candy. She hears, “Oh crap. It’s Valentine’s Day?? I guess I can stop on the way home and grab something from the display at Safeway.” If you want to give her flowers, get her favorite. (Hint: We don’t all love red roses.) This is not the day for her to find out that, after nine years, you don’t know she loves purple Gerber daisies.
Tacky lingerie. This would be anything you bought at a store that also carries automotive accessories and children’s craft products. Nylon panties adorned badly tacked-on, black lace, attached to a matching bra, is skeevy and says more about you than her. If you fantasize about cheap prostitutes, this isn’t the time to bring her up to speed.
Cheap jewelry that makes no sense. Necklaces with cheap chains and pendants of plated dolphin tails when she’s never expressed a love of the sea. Ditto ankle bracelets from Claire’s, if she’s 42.
Gag gifts. Make light of your relationship on any other day of the year, and you’ll probably get a pass. On Valentine’s Day, she could snuff you in your sleep and a jury of her peers would never convict her. Toilet paper emblazoned with red hearts and “I love you all over” inscriptions on every sheet. Oversized, fleece pajama bags built for two. Juvenile couple’s t-shirts (His: “I Heart Hooters.” Hers: “Hi, I’m Hooters.”)
Drugstore fragrances. Especially if she wears Chanel, Armani, or another high-end scent. And don’t even think about the lower-priced knock-offs that claim to smell “just like the original, for one-third the price.” They don’t. They smell like street hookers on parade.
A puppy. Seriously? Unless she’s expressed an unfulfilled desire for a pet, you’ve just handed her an 15-year project that eats, needs constant attention, and may or may not know to do his business outside.
A personalized star on the Internet registry. Stupidest. Gift. Ever. It’s not like she can go there and stay for the weekend, or that she’ll ever actually know which of the 700 gazillion stars in the sky is hers. This was so not invented by a woman.
Gift cards. Even if you get the store right, you’re saying, “I know where you shop, but I have no idea what you’d want.” Really, dude? You’ve been married to her for 13 years, you see her every day, and you can’t visualize one thing she might like you to get for her? If you’re truly that unaware of her tastes, go to her favorite store and ask the saleswoman. And be nice. She can save your oblivious ass.
Stuffed animals. Especially those holding tiny heart boxes of chocolate. What are we, like 12? And she knows you just grabbed it at Rite Aid while you were picking up your meds. It doesn’t make her feel cherished when you only remembered Valentine’s Day while refilling your prescription for irritable bowel syndrome.
Any gift that suggests she needs improvement. This includes new scales, free weights, treadmills, memberships to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers, or books titled How to Be a Better Lover in 14 Days. Whether or not you think she needs these things is not the point. She just doesn’t need them on Valentine’s Day.
I know. By now, I’ve exhausted your original list and you’re thinking, “So what do I get her??” It’s easy.
A couple’s massage at her favorite spa. A leisurely, romantic dinner at the restaurant of her choice. Lotion and powder in her signature fragrance. A bottle of wine she loves but won’t buy because it’s “too expensive.” The newest book from her favorite author. Tickets to a play, opera, comedy club, or ballet that she wants to see. A pair of fabulous gloves to wear with her “wear every day” jacket. Anything that shows you’ve listened to her over the years. You’ve noticed her. You love her.
A friend of mine told me about a Valentine’s Day when her Hubs brought home a half-dozen romantic comedies that he’d been steadfastly refusing to watch with her. He unplugged his phone and spent the entire day watching rom-coms with her, without falling asleep. He later claimed it was the best sex he’d ever had. Boom.
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Note to my readers: For the remaining month of February, my weekly Monday Laugh Lines post will be appearing on Thursdays. Why? That’s a secret right now, and I can’t tell you any more. But check with me next Monday for the best event EVER.
I have a feeling that this is going to be shared with an epic number of husbands in the days ahead. At least it SHOULD be!
Thanks, Roxanne! Just don’t tell them it came from me… :)
Really great. You nailed it. However, some of us live you the adorable clueless and just have to keep on keeping on!
Thanks, Krista! Yep, sometimes we just have to sigh and love them anyway. And thank God, they do the same for us! :)
Funny post! The year after I exchanged the expensive Saks negligee for flannel pjs, hubs got the message. One year, he bought tickets to a conference I wanted to attend in SF and he joined me later. Another year a weekend at a yoga retreat and another year a signed CD with a personal note to me from my favorite artist. Problem – hub’s creatively smokes me every time! Not complaining just embarrassed when I present him with handmade socks.
Corinne, wow, it sounds like your hubs could give lessons! But I understand your predicament. How do you compete with that? :)
I do kinda feel bad for the guys….for most of them shopping isn’t their thing, yet we expect fabulous gifts! Since it’s also our anniversary, we decided from the get go, we’d buy ourselves a couple’s gift…sometimes it’s a piece of furniture, sometimes it’s just a weekend away!! Takes all the stress off my husband (which makes him happy and me too!!!) jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
Jodie, what a fabulous idea! Guaranteed to make both partners happy, and put a little yippy in the romance skippy! :)
And for those of us happily single, I’m selecting my puppy on Valentine’s Day. I can’t imagine a better gift. :)
Jennifer, oooh, a new puppy? When we’re buying one because we want one to love, that’s a much different gift. Congratulations to you both. May he/she give you lick-kisses every day! :)
Last year I was in the Rite Aid and there was a handsome young man picking up a piece of ugly jewelry with his 7-9 year old boy asking, “I think Mommy would like this for Valentine’s Day don’t you?” I wanted to intervene but I did not. Wish I had your list so I could have just handed it to him and also make him stop teaching the next generation at the same time.
I agree, Haralee! Because now Mommy has to WEAR IT, or risk hurting the little guy’s feelings. But if it’s because the son was paying for it, I understand. My 5-year-old son gave me a plastic bracelet that I wore for years. If I didn’t have it on, he’d ask, “Where’s your bracelet, Mommy?” Stabbed through the heart. :)
Having been single for most of my adult life (pre-hubs #2), I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day, at least not in the “present” sense of it. I’ve often thought it was just another day the “Hallmark card people” have blown completely out of proportion to make us all spend money less than two months after the big retail push of Christmas.
I think my hubs is grateful, and with that he happily plans the day with me. Funnily enough, without even thinking about it, we’re doing two of the things you recommend anyway. LOL (Dinner and a play.)
T.O., you and your man sound adorable! Hubs and I don’t exchange gifts either. We’re fiscally exhausted from Christmas, and we’d rather just take the day and spend it together, laughing our faces off about everything and nothing. But if he WERE to buy me a present, I think he’d do a pretty good job! :)
Perfect. You list is hilarious and so very true. I need to have my husband come and read this post because he still hasn’t a clue.
Thanks, Shann! It was a fun one to write. I hope your man reads it with a sense of humor! :)
I recall, many years ago, getting my beloved a cut-glass fruit bowl for Valentines! OK, not the most romantic gift but somewhat original??
I love it when you comment on my posts, Gary! You provide a hilarious men’s point of view! My first thought is that anyone who you refer to publicly as “my beloved” is going to forgive almost anything you do, forever. :)
I’m not so sure about that, Vikki, but thanks for the affirmation.
We never celebrate this holiday so I don’t have to worry about getting bad gifts. He gave so many lousy ones over the years we gave it up!
If I want something, I’ll buy it and thank him for giving it to me. Great list. Most men need the help :)
Jennifer, I’m with you! For my birthday, Hubs has often asked, “What did I get you?” or more accurately, “How generous was I?” :)
Your list is spot on for what NOT to get as it says “couldn’t be bothered, but I don’t want you mad at me.” What I love to have from the hubster for a gift is his time and talent – an hour doing certain house projects. Or advice on how to use a certain power tool. Mostly finishing projects though.
Kymberly, I didn’t even think of those things! What great ideas. Every Valentine’s Day (and birthday, and Christmas, and Easter, and President’s Day), Hubs crosses one thing off the Honey Do list. LOVE THIS. :)
I’m with Jennifer on this. I declared it a non-holiday years and years ago. There is no romance to be had when you get a stupid gift and kiss romance good-bye for another year. I’ll buy my own, thank you very much.
b
I agree, Barbara. Sometimes it’s less stressful to spend a lazy day together in your jammies, watching movies, than setting up some impossibly romantic evening just because “it’s Valentine’s Day.” Too much expectation sets you both up for a Valentine’s Day smackdown. :)
I enjoyed reading your list! Thankfully my husband and I stopped worrying about holidays and special occasions long ago. We don’t feel any pressure to buy gifts for each other. Going out for a nice meal and taking a trip, either local or far, is the best and most enjoyable things we do together.
Thanks, Pat! And so true about gift buying pressure! We got a cutelittle pull-trailer a couple of years ago, and now for special occasions, if the weather is nice, instead of exchanging gifts we either don’t need, or we could have bought for ourselves, we choose to unplug our phone and laptops, and go camping. The perfect weekend!
This should be required reading for ALL new husbands. You know, so they start out on the right foot.
Thanks, Carol! Someone else suggested that this would be perfect for your newlywed husbands, but then my step-father (90 years old) read it and called to say he rushed out to Walgreen’s to exchange Mom’s gifts. It’s a post for all ages! :)
http://newsletter.ruralking.com/2016-email/2016-02-01/index.html?utm_medium=email&utm_source=email-2016-02-01-vd&utm_campaign=vd&utm_content=view-as-web-page You mean this isn’t the best choice?
I swear girl, I think I’m going to move to Oregon just so we can be neighbors. You just crack me up!
Kimberly XO
Ooh, Kimberly, Oregon is just waiting for you! We’d had too much fun! :)
Well said and so funny! My mate actually plans gifts in advance. A subscription to a cooking magazine, 5 lbs of Louisiana crawfish (favorite travel destination), an assortment of salmon tasted on trip to Alaska (I am a hopeless foodie). Maybe the point of Valentine’s Day is to share something you both can enjoy and savor, together.
Thank you, Judith! That seems to be the overwhelming gift idea promoted by women. TIME together. But then, I love the suggestion that the gift be a completion of a long-overdue project from the Honey-Do list! :)
“They smell like street hookers on parade.”
” It doesn’t make her feel cherished when you only remembered Valentine’s Day while refilling your prescription for irritable bowel syndrome.”
I’m dying here. You are hilarious. This is all so true, I can hardly stand it, although I’m pretty easy to please. I just want a card that makes me laugh until I pee instead of those corny, mushy ones. For my birthday last month, all I got from my hubby was a card with a monkey singing happy birthday to me with armpit farts, and I seriously was very happy with that, because I knew he shopped around for one that he knew would make me laugh.
It’s the thought that goes into it right?
Glad you liked it, Julie! As for armpit-farting monkey, I love that he knew it would crack you up! :)
Honestly, it depends on the gift card. My husband gets me movie theater gifts cards. This means I get to escape from the kids (and him, he hates movies) for 3 hours. Now that’s what I call romantic. ;)
I agree, Denise! One time, after several stressful weeks for me, Hubs gave me the birthday gift of going fishing for the entire day so I could stay home in my jammies, eat Milk Duds, and watch two seasons of Gilmore Girls. Best. Gift. Ever. :)
Is it any wonder that men hate any occasion that involves gifts?
I know, Bob. Hopefully, my post can help! If all else fails, buy her a sports car… :)
That was hilarious. I had tears in my eyes. I read it aloud to my husband who also loved it.
To all men out there in internet land……anything with Camo, is a No No!!! lol My husband (God Love him) is a hunter, and he still thinks I enjoy getting camo related lingerie. Uh….no. Not happening. Love all your posts Vikki!! I’ll have to show this to my sister….we joke all the time about men’s total misunderstaning of women and what they want on valentines day.
I love this list — the bad and the good. The worst are the teddy bears that look like they were bought in the pharmacy medicine line, totally agree. Great post.