Sitting at our favorite restaurant, a girlfriend and I were happily sharing an embarrassingly large plate of nachos while we toasted everything that came to mind with our second round of margaritas, when a middle-aged woman came up to our table and said, with a bright smile, “Excuse me. I don’t mean to be rude,” (immediately clarifying that she was about to be) “but do you have Parkinson’s?” Say what?? As I sat there in frozen silence, mentally tallying the staggering number of social and political boundaries she just exploded through, I finally nodded and choked out, “Yes, I do. Thank you for asking.” “I thought so,” she went on, “I was describing Parkinson’s to my friend over there at our table, when I saw your arm shaking, and I told her that’s what it looked like. Anyway,” she chirped, as she walked away ”You have a nice day, okay?” Oh. My. God. GF and I looked at … Continue Laughing….
Whenever a new baby comes into a family, the first year or so is all about how “his ears are huge, just like Uncle Elmo’s” or “her smile looks just like Aunt Trixie’s.” By the second year, we start looking for positive personality traits, hopefully handed down from beloved relatives. He may have Uncle Dumbo’s ears, but he also has his off-the-chart IQ and has already moved on from Mommy & Me classes to baby cello lessons, while Aunt Trixie’s mini-me has never met a stranger she didn’t like, just like Auntie, who’s a wildly popular stripper at the local gentlemen’s club. Sometimes the personality and talents of our children remain a gene-pool mystery that just simply is. My sister is a fabulous cook. As in valedictorian-of-her-culinary-school, people-photograph-her-meals-before-they-eat-them cook. I can’t cook. At all. Zero kitchen skills. And not in a cute, “Oh my goodness, my freshly grated coconut needs a touch more browning” way. More of a “Sorry about breaking … Continue Laughing….
Kenny has an unwavering philosophy about my handbag. He doesn’t go in there. Ever. He’ll stand right next to my purse and announce “I need the checkbook,” and no amount of cajoling, stated permission, or exasperated replies on my part to “just get in there and get it” will persuade him to stick his hand in there. He feels the same way about my closet. Women’s closets, he informs me, are personal, with everything organized “just so,” the way a woman wants it, and a man would have to be fundamentally insane to go in there and start handling stuff or moving it around. So last weekend, when I asked him to add an additional shelf inside my closet, he replied, “Only if you move your clothes out of the way. And all your shoes.” I tried every argument I could think of to convince him that this task was unnecessary, but he wasn’t budging. Fine. Out it all came. As I … Continue Laughing….
A friend recently called me, upset because she got a $350 ticket for talking on her cell phone while driving. “It was important,” she wailed. But it seemed no amount of explaining would convince Officer DoRight that the need to move her massage appointment from 2:00 to 4:00 constituted an emergency. Cell phones have changed the way we communicate with family, friends, co-workers, and even spouses. 20-something newlyweds text each other while in the same room. Couples have proposed or divorced via text messages. But of all the changes we see cell phones making in our culture (including the apocalyptic demise of grammar and spelling), one of the most significant is that we’ve somehow come to expect 24-hour availability from anyone on our speed dial list. In the old days (yeah, anything before 2005), people would leave messages on answering machines and wait patiently for a return call that evening, or even the next day. We understood that people had lives and were … Continue Laughing….
As Valentine’s Day looms closer, retailers are blanketing the shopping universe with cut-out hearts and chalky sugar treats emblazoned with “Be My Baby,” designed to get us opening our wallets to share romantic, gift-laden evenings with our special someone. Valentine’s Day is the great romantic do-over for those who dropped the ball at Christmas, sending couples scrambling to find the elusive perfect gift for Baby Cakes. Valentine’s Day gifts can be silly and sentimental, or they can show up as white limo rides with a dozen red roses, a la The Bachelor. Whatever the actual gift might be, a little music can help set the mood. Whether it’s used as background while exchanging coy I-love-you-No-I-love-you-more smiles over dinner for two, or as a dance to “our song,” the music you choose can make or break the evening. To help you narrow your search, I’m offering a list of what NOT to choose for your special Valentine’s Day playlist. In no particular order of horribleness: 1. Don’t … Continue Laughing….
With social media blowing up with posts about Valentine’s Day and everyone anticipating the fat little cupid and the romantic gifts he’ll leave behind, I got curious about some lesser-known holidays that we don’t celebrate with quite the same group enthusiasm. A quick Google search came up with Laughing Day, Pork Rind Appreciation Day, International Sex Bomb Day, 50 Llamas Day, and OMG, Honesty Day. I’m always entertained by couple who brag that they’re “totally honest” with each other. These marital puppies have usually been married less than a year and have yet to learn that total honesty is to a marriage what a souped-up Mustang is to a new teenage driver…a crash just waiting to happen. For the record, I’m not recommending you lie about life-altering issues. “Of course I want lots of children,” when the truth is you can’t stand any humans under the age of 20, or “No, I most emphatically did not sleep with … Continue Laughing….
A friend stopped by recently and announced she was thinking about starting a blog and she needed some advice. After I stopped snort-laughing about the fact that anyone would ask my advice about blogging, I agreed to explain my process of posting. “How do you get people to read your posts?” she asked. ”That is what you’ll spend most of your blog life trying to figure out,” I replied. ”If you come up the magic formula, you’ll make millions. Until then, you need a post for them to read when they find you.” I explained that the mechanics of posting are fairly general, but the process is unique to each blogger. Many Laugh Lines posts came to be using the following method: 1. Sit bolt upright in bed at 2 a.m. with a fabulous, three-glasses-of-wine-before-bedtime induced idea for a hilarious post that had you laughing in your sleep, which you didn’t write down because you didn’t want to come out from under the warm, poufy duvet and you were … Continue Laughing….
I love human nature. We are one crazy-ass creation that I’m reasonably certain is not exactly what the Big Guy intended. My favorite morning news highlights are the reports about some idiot who got pulled over the night before for a possible DUI, who skidded over to the side of the road, then jumped out and ran into the bushes, leaving his wife and baby in the car to hand over the registration (yep, with his address), right before wifey drove to her attorney’s office to divorce Mr. Every-Man-for-Himself, while his mother was trying to figure out what she did wrong during the pregnancy that obviously produced the stupidest child on the planet. I can’t explain it, but these kinds of stories just crack me up. But as we all know, there are two sides to every story (except maybe for Stupid Guy above). A friend recently sent me a link to laws still on the books around the country, that had … Continue Laughing….
Over the past several years, as society endeavors to include men in journeys previously traveled alone by women, we’ve been introduced to paternity leaves, male menopause, metrosexuals, and “mannys” that help parent our young offspring while we’re out in search of world peace (or trying to drum up this month’s rent before two parents, one manny, and a couple of toddlers end up living out of two-seater convertible). One expression being casually tossed around, invariably by the male in the relationship, is “We’re pregnant.” Seriously, dude?? Did you gain 68 pounds in the last six months? Do you hurl whatever breakfast you managed to gag down earlier at the mere mention of raw meat? Are you going to eject a 9-pound human out of a 10-centimeter orifice while she repeatedly tells you to ‘just breathe through it’? No? Then you are not pregnant. But on a recent trip with a couple of our best friends, I distinctly heard Kenny say, … Continue Laughing….
I recently overheard a conversation between two gorgeous 20-somethings, all toned bodies, porcelain skin, mile-high legs, butts you could bounce a quarter off of, and boobs still up where God originally put them. One held up her wine glass, making a toast, and declared, “I don’t believe in plastic surgery. I’m going to age naturally.” Her friend nodded and they clinked glasses as she declared with a self-satisfied smile, “Me too. I’m never getting anything ‘done.’ Those women are pathetic and self-absorbed.” First of all, ouch. Secondly, you’re twelve. Talk to me in 30 years. You have no credibility on this subject, so shut up. There’s nothing inherently graceful about aging in a society that dismisses the elderly and worships youth. 50 is called a “senior citizen” in most restaurants, and quite frankly, if we died anytime thereafter, our kids would likely say, “Well, she had a good run.” There’s … Continue Laughing….