On our anniversary this year, Hubs gave me a beautiful, oversize card that listed a few of my better qualities and why Hallmark thought he scored when we got married. As I was reading it, I found myself mentally rewriting the card with reasons he didn’t get quite so lucky but chose to stick it out anyway, which is actually a better love story.
As I was jotting down an embarrassingly long list of my less-than-stellar characteristics that would deter all but most hardy partner, he looked over my shoulder with a big grin, saying, “This is great. If you need more, I can add several off the top of my head.” One look at the expression on my face and, not being a stupid man, he immediately added, “But they wouldn’t all necessarily be true, of course.” Nice save, buddy.
An hour or so later, he was red-faced from laughing, while I was trying desperately to retain the tiniest shred of dignity, and we’d compiled a fairly impressive list. So with a little help (and considerably more enthusiasm than the discussion required) from Hubs, here are the “14 Reasons I Could Never Be Married to Me.”
1. I’m undiagnosed but collectively believed by family, friends, and a couple of ex-husbands to be OCD and ADHD. The last Hubs frequently remarks that I don’t get divorced as much as I just leave my husbands in exhausted heaps on the side of the road, in what he calls “the empty carcasses of the men they used to be.”
2. I’m not a nurturer. If you’re sick, I’ll take your dog to the groomer, pick up your drycleaning, or feed your gerbil. But you’ll never hear the words “Oh my poor Pookey Bear, let me feed you this homemade soup” come out of my mouth, ever.
3. I tend to burst out laughing at the most inopportune times, when virtually any other response would be a better choice. Like when we’re fighting. Or during sex. “I’m not laughing at you, but with you” gets a lot of play time at our house.
4. I’m easily frustrated. If I can’t do something after two tries, it’s most likely been tossed out the window into the soccer field next door. It’s our version of a garage sale, but everything is free.
5. I’m a complete klutz. I’ve tripped over everything from small objects to what could only be described as air, as in “there wasn’t anything there.” Hubs has seen me in every possible version of a faceplant and has gotten to the point where he just steps over me while asking, “Need help?”
6. I can’t cook. At all. When we got our first microwave (yes, a billion years ago), I put a peanut butter sandwich in it to warm it up, set the timer for 15 minutes, and went to take a shower. When I returned, the door had blown open, showering cupboards and countertops with bits of exploded sandwich pieces, and we were scraping bits of peanut butter, jelly, and/or bread off canned goods for a week. My skills have never improved.
7. I have no filter. Hubs asks, with only slightly annoying regularity, “Do you think before you speak, or do you just open your mouth and let the words fall out?” Yeah, the second one.
8. I don’t share my food. With three older brothers, two dads, and a couple of ex-husbands, who all seemed to think that my plate looked more appetizing than theirs and believed that anything less than half a serving still constitutes “just a bite,” I’ve learned to guard my dinner by threatening to stab a fork through any hand found hovering over my plate.
9. I don’t always listen, regularly replying before Hubs has stopped speaking. He calls it interrupting. I call it enthusiasm.
10. I have the attention span of a circus flea for things I’m not interested in. Hubs gave up by our second year trying to get me into televised sports, and the 130th replay of his golf stroke on hole #9 will most likely send me running for the corkscrew and a second bottle of wine.
11. I have pretty much zero fears about failure. Not because I don’t fail, but because it doesn’t phase me. Epic fails make great dinner conversation, especially with your kids, and then become your best blog posts. People may or may not want to hear about your successful weight loss or how much you give to charity every year, but they’re all over the time you drove over the neighbor’s previously prize-winning cat’s tail wearing nothing but your underwear.
12. I constantly whine about my weight, but continue to fill our grocery cart with food items not recognized by any diet program anywhere on the planet. Hubs has learned not to say a word.
13. I spend stupid amounts of money on products that promise to make me thinner, prettier, or younger, especially if they require minimal to no effort on my part. I don’t see this pattern diminishing as I get even older.
14. I don’t like to fight, but if you insist, your secret cousin Beauford, his banjo, and his whiskey-loving goat are fair game.
Personally, I’d drop-kick this woman’s ass to the door. But for some unfathomable reason, Hubs keeps coming home every night. As we reviewed our list, he grinned and said, “You’re kind of one of those ‘Be Careful What You Wish For’ things.” Then he grabbed a blank sheet of paper, scribbled on it for a few minutes, and handed it to me with a flourish. “Here’s your real card.”
The front said, “I asked God to send me a woman who makes me laugh.'” The inside read: “Clearly I should have been a bit more specific. The Big Guy responded with ‘Done. She’s at the airport. But no refunds and no exchanges. My phone line is always open, however. Good luck, buddy, and just remember, this was your idea.'”
And they lived happily ever after.
Very funny post!!! :-) It sounds like you two are perfect for one another in many ways!!! Love his “revised” card to you—-perfect!
Love it! I find that I’m many of those things would fit me as well, especially not the nurturer, I do let things fly out of my mouth without thinking, and other things. I especially don’t like to share my food! It’s not so much my plate, but when I buy something for me, I expect it to be there when I want it and not gone because someone else decided to eat it! I have learned to “hide” things that are not at eye level for the children or husband and that usually keeps them away from my treats. :)
This is great. A lot of these qualities apply to me as well. We are going to call them qualities, right?
Me too – especially the “can’t cook”, “complete klutz”, “doesn’t listen”, “no filter” parts. Loved this!
Yeah,well I think you sound super-interesting!
I don’t like to fight, but … and … I don’t share my food – so with you on those 2 points as well as several others! Your list completely cracked me up! I love waking up to a new post from you. You’re so much better than Folgers in my cup! :D
Funny! Relieved to know I’m know the only one who bursts out laughing at the most inopportune times, heheh.
So….you’re saying those are faults, then?
Hmm.
^K.
I just LOVE this! He’s one lucky man- and so are all of us. Love ya gal!
Could I get a copy of your card and make me husband sign and then give it to myself? :)
Awesome…still giggling.
Sounds like authentic, enduring love to me.
LOL Now I’m not sure which one is funnier between you and your husband.
You may be all of those but you’re also one funny woman. And isn’t that what we all need is a good laugh. You crack me up. I love your husbands card.
Laughter and making fun of ourselves is a really wonderful trait! I just wrote a blog on conversational filters putting them on for the Holidays to get along. Don’t bother reading, you are your own woman!
I love this! You are the perfect balance for each other. Love it!
I loved this! there’s nothing like a great sense of humor to help you through the worst of times!
He calls it “interrupting.” I call it enthusiasm.
I need to remember this. It’s me.
I loved this Vikki!
You sound just like me Vikki. Except I can cook and I worry about failure all. the. time.
Right there with you on #1, 2, 4, 5, 8, 9, 10, 11 – my poor husband! :)
I don’t share my food either – we had a major fight when we were engaged bc he ate my Mango Thai leftovers. Shit got real.
I am still cracking up over the peanut butter explosion. I can just imagine. My husband has managed to burn jello. I didn’t think you even cooked jello? Thanks for the share, it made me smile.
No woman worth her salt is easy. At least that’s what I tell my husband.
Haha. Love this so much! So many on this list apply to me as well, especially the attention span of a circus flea, not being much of a nurturer, and laughing at the most inopportune times. I laugh during sex SO MANY times. Thankfully my husband also has a great sense of humor and will laugh with me. It’s sometimes amazing we actually ummm, finish. LOL.
What an awesome post!
:) Well…I think if most people thought about themselves with a sense of humor then their relationships would also be more successful! Just saying!
Thanks for a wonderful post!
Maria
http://www.musicteachingandparenting.com
haha. I think a sense of humor trumps any Hallmark gesture!
I’d marry you in a second Vikki whatever do you mean? :) So much of it is ‘me’ too.
Our poor Hubs. No wait, they are the luckiest chaps on earth, is what I meant to say.
You sound just like me!! I am just diagnosed ADHD at the age of 52, have lots of failures in my past that don’t bother me one bit, have no money saved for retirement, my husband is exhausted because I just closed my third store, and we still have 5 dogs from the dog rescue I did. Oh, and I teach full time and quilt, make pottery, jewelry and paint. HAHA!! I just told him the other day that if we made a show about me, it would be called “The Bad Wife.” Lots funnier than that Julianna Margules show!!
Nancy
Hahaha! I am personally beholden to number 4 and the husband is a number 5 for sure. I’m surprised he lets me keep the furniture on the floor. The other option is he could look where he is going… but let’s not get crazy with the aspirations.
Lol. If more couple’s could laugh with each other the world would be so much better off.
What a terrific list! I would be afraid to ask hubby to help with it! I know for a fact #9 would be top of the list! I can’t wait to say “But honey I’m not interrupting you for the millionth time, I’m just enthusiastic” hahahahaha!
Love this!!
You and Kenny? a match made in heaven! You are both hilarious. But you are really hilarious!
We be Sister from a different Momma!! Only difference is my Momma taught me to cook!!
Vikki, I LOVE you. Are you sure we weren’t separated at birth??
Haha! This is awesome! I may have to write one of these for myself.
I find this list utterly lovable. Nothing better than a sense of humor. And I am certain we could ALL make a list like this! :-)
I can relate to so many of those–I wouldn’t marry myself either! I’m way too anal, expect more when I feel I give so much, love to cook but with only 2 I always make enough for all week, hold it all in until one day I just explode & he can’t figure out what he did(which was probably his fault to begin with) & I know I can do it all!
Are…are we sisters?
Perfect! Thanks for making me laugh.
Loved this! I, too, have similar qualities as you.
The gift of making him laugh conquers all Vikki. He’s one lucky man!
This so funny only in my case I’m married to you! I was going down the list nodding except for the sick part he’s a pretty good nurse when I need him to be.
Perfect Full Disclosures! Should be done at every wedding. I am so #2. My kids are constantly getting hurt and telling me, “Shouldn’t you kiss it to make it better or something?”
I think you’d be a joy to be around! A great sense of humor is a blessing.