Since the dawn of time, men have complained that women are hard to understand. During my lifetime, I’ve had two dads, three older brothers, and three husbands, and every single one of them claims that women are, essentially, unexplainable. We’re secretive and moody, and no matter how hard our men try to truly know us, we remain a mystery.
So in honor of Valentine’s Day, in the spirit of love and sharing, I thought I’d offer my male readers a rare, insider’s peek at the female species, with a list of things you might not know about us. You’re welcome.
1. 99% of the items in our closet (including those fabulous black boots from Nordstrom) weren’t on sale. But they were…well, fabulous.
2. We weigh 7 pounds more than we tell you we do. Because if we tell you what we really weigh, you’ll think we’re fat.
3. We scratch our boobs when we take our bras off at night. At least we have a reason. We’re still not sure why you scratch your junk.
4. We think about sex with you. A lot. But by 9 p.m., we’re usually too tired to do anything about it. The good news is that if we were going to jump someone’s bones, they would be yours.
5. We regularly inspect our bodies, naked, from all angles, checking for anything that jiggles, ripples, or sags. This includes looking over one shoulder and shaking our booties to assess the urgency of getting back to spin class. And you will never see us do this. Ever.
6. We can actually cook. We just don’t want to. Believe it or not, not all women come out of the chute holding a spatula and your mom’s recipes.
7. We did eat those last four cookies. And then blamed the dog. Yep, little Precious has a sweet tooth. We were as surprised as you are.
8. We love you deeply, but every now and then, we miss the romantic intensity of falling in love. Buy us flowers from time to time. I know we say we don’t want you to spend the money. We’re lying.
9. Our morning leg shave also includes plucking errant hairs from our nose, toes, chin, lips, and nipples. It takes vigilance to keep our bodies looking like hairless cats. And some things can’t be unseen.
10. When we say, “No, I don’t want dessert,” order the Death-by-Chocolate for yourself. With an extra spoon. And then don’t say a word.
11. We tell our best friend pretty much everything. More than you’d like, but less than you think. But we promise never to tell her about that unfortunate unsolicited karaoke attempt in Las Vegas with the Elvis impersonator and your subsequent arrest. At least until your record is expunged.
12. We still love it when you fix our car, carry our bags, or kill the spiders. Chivalry still turns us on.
13. We hold our boobs up when we jog. Our butts already jiggle when we run. We don’t need both sides of our bodies flopping at the same time, and we can’t hold onto our asses.
14. “No, you don’t need to do anything special for my birthday” never means “No, you don’t need to do anything special for my birthday.” Treat me like the once-in-a-lifetime find that I am. You’ll like my response.
15. We really don’t like Ted, your old college buddy. Frat boys should not be 58.
16. Yes, we get “work done” on our faces and don’t tell you about it. “Hi Babe, I just paid $400 to have botulism injected into my face. And how was your day?” will never come out of our mouths.
17. Yes, we do actually mind if you have lunch your newly divorced high school flame. And if she lays her hand on your arm and tosses her hair back one more time, she’s going down.
18. We really don’t want to hear stories about your ex, or any past relationships. We prefer to believe there was no one before us. After all, we were virgins when we met you.
19. Our skin is not naturally this smooth. A lot of work goes into skin that feels like a baby’s bottom, and if the bathroom door is locked, you’re not getting in.
20. “No, I didn’t throw it away. I don’t know where it is” is most likely a lie. We did. We do. And it was ugly.
21. Unless it’s “You look beautiful” or “You’re getting too thin,” we never truly want your honest opinion about how we look. Only two responses. Memorize them and we’ll both be happy.
22. We settle fights with you in our heads by mentally reenacting the argument when we’re alone. And we always win.
23. We like porn. Just not your porn. We didn’t buy “50 Shades of Grey” (paperback, Kindle, and audio versions) for the fashion tips.
24. When we tell you we’re running errands, we’re shopping. Duh.
25. When we tell you we’re having lunch with a girlfriend, we’re shopping. See #24.
26. We get hit on when we’re not with you. But we never, ever respond.
27. We often dress more for other women than we do for you. When you say, “Great boots,” we hear “What did you spend?” When she says, “Great boots,” we hear, “You look fabulous.”
28. We Googled your ex-girlfriends. All of them.
29. Underneath that hot little black dress you love to see us in is a push-up bra, thigh-to-waist Spanx, and the occasional Depends (Discreet, of course). Why do you think we get undressed in the bathroom?
30. When we give you a long slow kiss, we’re not necessarily saying, “Let’s have sex.” But we might be. Some mystery is a good thing.
Now was that so hard?