Hubs and I recently decided to schedule a date night. We’ve both been crazy busy lately, and we were feeling overdue for some romance time. We chose a date, then he booked the reservation for two at our favorite child-free restaurant. The only thing left to decide was what to wear. Hubs grabbed his one pair of black slacks, a clean shirt, and black loafers, and he was ready to go. Easy-peasy.
Yeah, that wasn’t going to work for me.
Digging through the spare closet in my office, where I keep out-of-season or dressy pieces, I pulled out several choices, but nothing seemed right. One final, persistent search uncovered a fabulous little black dress that I forgot I still had. It looked promising, but it occurred to me that maybe I should try it on “just to check.”
Tossing my yoga pants, I gently stepped into the dress. Well, crap. Apparently, twelve months can make a huge difference in our body shape, because the body in that dress now didn’t look anything like the body that wore that dress last year. I managed to wiggle into it until it reached my hips, at which point it refused to budge another inch. I gave it a bigger wiggle. Nope. Not an millimeter further. I jumped up and down while pulling it up. Still stuck. It was obviously time for a clothing intervention.
Ransacking my lingerie drawer, I found for my “longline” Spanx, and spent the next 25 minutes struggling to get them on. Finally victorious, but now exhausted and sweaty, I was mortified to discover that while they shrink-wrapped my waist, hips and thighs into the next size down, they stopped short at my boobs, which had lost the war on gravity sometime in my late 40s.
Burrowing through the drawer, I found my push-up bra, with side panels and steel underwires, guaranteed to get the girls back up where Nature originally put them. Swaddled in Spanx and Kevlar, but managing to get the dress over my post-menopausal body bumps, I looked in the mirror. It might work if I could walk normally while wearing a full-body compression stocking. I waddled over to the chair, but couldn’t sit down without the dress sliding up my thighs and flashing my girdled body parts that had the appeal of trampy butt cracks from low-rider jeans. I finally peeled the whole mess off into a pile on the floor and kicked it into the closer. Back into my comfy, forgiving yoga pants, I headed out the door to find a dress that didn’t require encasing my body like a beer sausage at Oktoberfest to get into it.
That morning got me thinking about the vast array of products specifically designed to improve our self-esteem and increase our confidence by hiding, correcting, fixing, or even temporarily eliminating our flaws. For virtually every un-perfect body part, there are products that promise to transport recalcitrant, middle-age body parts back in time. With a little research (and wads of disposable income), we can find products that push up our bosoms, tighten our buttocks, reduce cellulite in our thighs, hide redness in our cheeks, de-bloat our bellies, de-puff our eyes, lengthen our lashes, plump our lips, smooth our wrinkles, and change our hair color from blah to bombshell in just 30 minutes. Awesome.
I confess, I’m a big fan of many of these products. Being a sucker for anything that promises youthful beauty without have to join a gym or give up Pop Tarts and Cheez-in-a-Can, I tend to whip out my Visa on the first promise. Some work beautifully. Some don’t work at all. But the ideas are bold and might be worth a try.
- Spanx. Designed to firm and smooth everything from boobs to ankles. Our mothers called them “girdles.” Be warned. They only work if you buy a size that takes you at least twenty minutes to get into and you’re not opposed to breaking a sweat before the big event. And pee before. If you’re dashing to the porta-potty at the Country Music Festival during the closing song, you’ll miss all three encores.
- The Wonder Bra. Shoves the sisters up to there, with water inserts to make them realistically bouncy. Works great until you take it off and he realizes your real ones resemble the ears on your sister’s twelve-year-old basset hound. It’s best to remove this one in the dark.
- The 5-Way Convertible Bra. One bra, five different styles, including halter, strapless, and cross-over. Invented by a man whose fantasy woman is obviously a double-jointed circus contortionist. Bought one and spent half an hour trying to figure out the damn straps, another half-hour trying to get it on, then finally threw it out the window into the neighbor’s arborvitae. He’s never asked.
- Butt pads. Very few things leave me speechless. Intentionally attaching something to your ass, specifically designed to make it look bigger… Nope, can’t speak.
- Bosom Max. Promises to “lift and enhance bust size” with an electromagnetic pulse massaging bra. Even without the visual of the pulse action that would look like two ferrets humping inside your bra, it’ll magically make your boobs bigger and higher, “without surgery”?? The person who buys this probably also bought the Ab Roller and the Shake Weights. I can’t drink enough wine to buy this one. I’ve tried.
- “Cleansing” Kits. Raved about by Hollywood celebrities, these teas and tablets promise to “cleanse toxins, reduce water retention, and flatten the tummy.” Our parents called these “laxatives.” Save on shipping. They’re available at any drugstore.
- Lip Augmentation. Possibly the stupidest trend ever. Channeling Daisy Duck is likely to result in friends and family questioning your decision-making processes on virtually every other issue in your life.
And so it seems that confidence is best achieved by putting as much distance as possible between how we appear and what we actually look like. Having said that, I’m not quite ready to go natural. Maybe Victoria’s Secret could come out with a “Bite-Me-I’m-60” bra that replaces wispy lace with industrial strength strapping? I’ll take one in Nude and one in Black, please.
Yoga pants should come in three versions, Dressy, casual…and ‘actually doing yoga’
Nailed it as always, Vikki!
Good one. I agree!
Thanks, Cate! And I’m loving your thoughts on yoga pants. Made me laugh out loud! :)
I am going to put the butt pads into the 5-way convertible bra :-)
OMG, Lynne, that visual is hysterical! Thank you!
Hilarious as always Vikki! I love the butt pads comment! I think those would be awesome for me. My husband says I have “assitol disease”. No ass at all!
OMGosh, Rena, I can’t imagine. How about I give you half of mine? I’d still be what would generously be called “curvy” (read: hippy)! :)
I always read your blog and crack up at my desk! Thanks for the giggles!
Thanks, Ellen! Always wonderful to hear I’m making someone laugh! :)
I envision the Bosom Max in a thunderstorm popping and cracking. No thanks! I kid myself with shapewear because I never buy the size that’s really tight. It then becomes only snug underwear, and I’m ok with that. I prefer to be able to breathe.
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Barbara, I used to have a Spanx drawer. Now it’s a Spanx pile within a drawer. I’m thinking it’s headed for a Spanx-free drawer real soon! :)
I had to try on 6 different pairs of jeans last week until finally the 7th pr fit! 1 couldn’t get past my knees, 2,3 4, couldn’t past my thighs, 5 & 6 couldn’t zip & not even close to getting them to button! But summer is here, I’m outside working in the yard, hauling a wheelbarrow up & down to our field & just in time for winter those other jeans will finally fit–for approx a month! Cuz when the snow hits, the holidays happen, the eating begins!
I’m with you, Cheryl. It’s salad in the summer (cold, crisp, and refreshing), then Chicken & Dumplings in the winter (so comforting), so the weight naturally goes up and down. I’m still struggling with the brownies year around though! :)
Yeah. I’m going natural. If the light is really dim, it could work.
I figure it would be easier to ask the good Lord to simply blot out the sun than it would be for me to find the things I’d need to harness and suppress . . .
Diane, I’m a big lover of dimmer switches. They’re on every light switch in my house. Definitely invented by a post-menopausal woman, and I love her! :)
I’m just happy that tunic tops are still popular and I can let my muffin top breathe freely (but camouflaged). I never had boobs big enough to worry about gravity (in high school, the seam puckered on my one-size-fits-all stretchy bra), so the girls are still pretty much where they started out. And Spanx, well, with acid reflux I better not wear it if I’m going to be eating a meal. Oh, the crap we go through…I’m definitely getting closer to (re)adopting the mantra from the 1970s: Let it all hang out.
Too funny, Roxanne! And yes, I agree. Those flower children from the 60s and early 70s had it down with those flowing maxi dresses and caftans! :)
The convertible bra, oh my, I think mine is in your neighbor’s arborvitae too! And the wait in the women’s restroom is too long because of every woman over 30 wearing Spanx at every wedding!
Thanks Vikki, I vented and feel better.
Haralee, I’m thinking that coliseums and stadiums need three bathrooms, His, Hers, and Spanx Wearers, so the rest of us can actually go to the bathroom during intermission and not miss the show! :)
Lol! I just pictured myself trying on a dress last night that I had planned to wear to a wedding Saturday. It’s going to be a No on that dress. I go for comfort so I can dance! Unfortunately, I don’t think yoga pants will work for this event.
You’re right, Lori! How come someone hasn’t developed “dress yoga pants”?? It would be a goldmine, don’t you think? :)
I love yoga pants.
I must, too, Lori, since I have twice as many pairs of yoga pants as I do jeans, dresses, or God forbid, dressy slacks! :)
I’m just waiting for the bag lady look to get fashionable and then maybe I will go out in public more often. Brilliant post – made me laugh at 7am and that’s not easy!
Thanks, Gilly! That makes my day! And I love the bag lady look. Hubs, not so much! :)
My little black dress is in a knit fabric with some rouching to hide this and that when needed. I’ve worn some of the clothing pieces you discuss, they help but you’re correct as they are less than comfortable.
I’ve been working to maintain my weight and testing various protocols, shockingly, it’s a protocol that has me eating more that I’ve lost the most bodyfat with. I’m thinking about putting together a group class, starting in the fall, to share all the information I’ve gathered on how I lost bodyfat post menopause.
OOh, I love rouching! It’s genius. I found the cutest top ever, slightly longer than a t-shirt (works with skinny jeans) and rouched all up one side. I bought all four colors! :)
For whatever part my gender has played in creating the market for spanx etcetera, Ladies, I apologize. On the other hand those products do inspire your wonderful columns, Vicki. Thanks for another morning chuckle.
You’re very welcome, Bob! Yep, we stuff ourselves into sausage casings, and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT. Actually, studies show that women dress more to impress other women than they do to impress their partners. Hmmm… There’s an entirely new post right there. Thanks! :)
Isn’t life so complicated for the modern lady. Amusing stuff, as always.
I started giggling at your first paragraph when you use the word ‘slacks’. My wife ridicules me for using that term, so it is great to hear someone else who speaks the same language.
I know, Gary, there are so many, many, MANY ways we can date ourselves. I thought “slacks” was a better choices than what I usually call them – “britches.” My kids tell me it sounds like we live in the Ozarks. Geez, tough group! :)
Vikki, I love, love reading your posts. I am always laughing and shaking my head in agreement! Someone else that faces the same daily challenges!! Teresa (And by the way, where can I find that rouched top?!)
Thanks, Teresa! I love that I could make you laugh. :) And the tops were at Maurice’s. I bought all three colors!
Ah, what we women go through. Never tried Spanx, but don’t think I will. Loved the part about the porto-potty. Can’t think of a worse nightmare!
Me neither, Laurie! Spanx are definitely not daily wear. They’re like stilettos. Special occasions, for short periods of time! :)
Oh my gosh, that was hysterical! I, too, wrote a post on spanx and how it nearly cost me my life! But your butt pad comments left me howling :) so glad I found you on Twitter!
Thank you, Shivonne! You just made my day. (And now I’m going to check out your blog!) :)