In an earlier conversation with Hubs:
Me: “Does this bra make my boobs look perkier?”
Hubs: “Perkier than what?”
Me: “Perkier than before.”
Hubs: “Before what?”
Me: “This isn’t a trick question.”
Hubs: “Okay. Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t think you should worry about it. We’re all getting older, you know, and I think you look great no matter what your boobs look like.”
Me: “What a horrible, mean thing to say!”
Hubs: “I was trying to give you a compliment!”
Me: “Well, you suck at it.”
Hubs: “For the love of God, woman, next time give me cue cards.”
I can do that.
Dashing down to my computer, I quickly typed up Hubs’ Guide for Complimenting His Wife.
Assuming we’ve moved past the construction site approach, including the juvenile (“Nice rack, baby”) or the cheesy (“You have eyes a man could drown in”), neither of which is particularly effective on girls over 23 and who don’t work at Hooters, let’s begin with the basics.
1. Compliments should make us feel wanted, appreciated, and absolutely gorgeous. Every now and then, we want to feel like you still see us the way you did when we were first in love. Before the kids, our jobs, the mortgage payments, the dogs, the bills, the laundry, our birthdays and gravity all piled up and we swapped our thongs and stilettos for yoga pants and t-shirts.
2. Be brief. Don’t ramble. A girlfriend once told me that the best compliment she ever received from her husband was a single word. She came out of the bedroom, dressed for date night and a bit self-conscious in her rarely worn strappy little black dress . He stopped, looked at her for a moment and said, “Wow.” (That night was the best sex they’d had for months. Personally, I don’t believe in coincidences.)
3. Be specific. “You’re pretty” is great, but “That dress makes your legs look a mile long” will be happily repeated to her BFF tomorrow morning over coffee, and you’ll look like a rock star.
4. Pay Attention. Assuming she at least occasionally does something that surprises or impresses you (if not, that’s another discussion entirely), mention it. “You’re so patient with your little niece. You handled it beautifully when she set your office on fire” or “You were great with my parents today. And thank you for not decking Uncle Buck when he pinched your ass at our wedding…twice” will go a long way towards making her feel special.
5. Surprise her. A spontaneous “I’m glad I married you,” while you’re watching TV will put an instant smile on her face. In other words, don’t save it for when you want to get laid or you’re trying to end an argument.
6. Try to make the compliment about her. “Great boots” is nice, but “You look hot in those boots” is much better.
7. Tell the truth. Unless you’ve been living in a shack in the Ozark mountains your entire life, with no cable or Internet service, “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen” is going to sound phony to any woman but Angelina Jolie. She knows that’s not true, and now you have a credibility issue. It’s like parents who tell their child he’s the smartest person in the world. Sooner or later, little Billy is going to find out Mommy and Daddy were lying and now he doesn’t believe a word they say. Pick something that’s actually true about her. “You have a beautiful smile” (when, in fact, she does) is a better choice.
8. Avoid backhanded compliments. These are not compliments. They’re insults that start out slowly. “You can speak French?? Wow. I never would have guessed.” Bite me, jackass. “A woman should be curvy. You look healthy.” I guarantee you we just heard, “You’re fat, but I’m not stupid enough to say that.” Hope you like sleeping on the couch. “Love your new haircut, babe. Your face doesn’t look as round.” By now she’s thinking, “OMG. So all this time, I’ve been walking around with a pumpkin head, and only now you’re telling me??” This is where “Shoot the messenger” came to be. These are passive-aggressive shots, and should be limited to no more than, well…none, if you want to stay married to this woman.
9. When in doubt, tell her she looks thinner than usual. Surveys report that 43% of women said that’s their favorite compliment ever. “You look so thin” will have us singing your praises all over town.
10. A few other tried and trues that men should always have in their Things I Should Say to My Wife More Often rolodex include: “You look gorgeous.” “I love your body.” “You’re the most beautiful woman here tonight.” “I’m proud to be seen with you.” “I like the way you think.” There are others, but consider this your starter set, which should keep you going for the next few weeks.
When my son, Jake, was young, I instructed him very carefully about what to say when a woman asks about her appearance. To this day, whenever he sees me dressed up or in something new, he smiles and says, “Mom, that outfit makes you look younger and thinner.” You’re going to go far, kid.
And now, in a recent conversation with Hubs:
Me: “I’m using a new cream. How does my skin look?”
Hubs: “Fine.
Me: “Fine??”
Hubs: “Oh, actually you look stunning, and I wish I could stay home and stare at you all day, repeatedly reminding myself what a lucky, lucky man I am.”
Me (with a bright smile, deliberately choosing to ignore the almost-imperceptible eye roll and snort-laugh that accompanied that statement): “Thank you, sweetie. I love you too!”
Now, was that so hard??
Great advice from a funny woman who is endlessly entertaining while always speaking the truth.
My husband always compliments me, but a “Wow” would really make my day/week/year!
Thanks, Cathy! Yes, now Hubs knows that, if all else fails, a “Wow” will do wonders! :)
Personally I could live without the compliments if I could find a man who would speak only these 7 words – “Here’s my wallet, take what you need.” I mean truth is truth – at 65 the wrinkles are here to stay, gravity has done it’s due diligence and drug everything south of the border and no matter how many cute names we assign like salt & pepper or silver fox, gray hair is still gray hair. My eyebrows have traveled south and taken up residence on my chin and every step taken is accompanied by a resounding grunt. What is there to compliment? Gee Honey, you sure put a shine on that walker or good job honey – you made it to the bathroom this time. Yeah – NO just give me the money thanks.
I’m with you Jody. I am 63 and not in the need of the compliments anymore. When my husband tells me ‘thank you for taking care of me’ or ‘if it weren’t for the loving care that you give me I would be in a nursing home’ are now good enough to me. The remainder of all those other kinds of comments sound like a man who is trying to get a women into his bed and the last place I want to be right now (or forever more) is in anyones bed! My advice is to be honest and tell your woman how much you love her. How much your life has changed since you met her. Looks come and believe you me looks will go”
Thanks for commenting, Paula! I envy your confidence. I still need reassurance, even at this old age! :)
Oh, Jodi, you funny!! “Here’s my wallet. Take what you need.” I’m telling Hubs that’s the OTHER option… :)
We have these conversations on the daily. I am going to refer the husband to this awesome list. Just the other day:
Me: You like my new pajamas.
Husband: Sure.
Me: But what do you think?
Husband: I said sure. They’re great.
Me: -Puts on shorts instead and growls-
Husband: Hey now…those are nice.
Me: -Slaps him.-
Laura, Hubs is a pretty quick study, especially if I write it down. Unfortunately he doesn’t read my blog (ever), so I had to give her a verbal tutorial. He’s still laughing. That’s a good thing, right? :)
Hilarious & helpful. I sent it to my husband this morning. ;-)))))
Thanks, Carol! I love your writing. Wish you had a Twitter share button! :)
Me thinks your list should be printed and laminated and then passed out randomly on the streets of EVERYwhere :) Guys usually admit they’re clueless about such things, usually wonder why we react as we do, and so it would be so very helpful of us women to help those hapless but willing-to-learn men. I like being helpful :)
Glad you liked it, Julie! What a terrific idea! :) (And loved the photos on your recent post!)
Maybe your next book should be a manual! Make sure to include the phrase: “Eat something. You eat like a bird!” I’ve always wanted someone to say that to me. LOL!
You might be on to something, Parri! Unfortunately, the men won’t read it. Sigh… But we keep trying! :) (And “You’re getting too thin” is still my all-time fave…)
Another great one for the record books (or your next book), Vikki. I’m printing this one out and hanging it on the fridge — although, truthfully, my husband, while generally a man of few words, does know how to deliver a well-placed and well-thought out compliment. I think he may stay up nights thinking about them and practicing how to say them minus the eye roll. LOL! :)
Jackie, yeah, the eye roll took a tiny bit away, but the snort-laugh was the real ringer! Baby steps… He’s learning! :)
This should be mandatory training in high school sex education class. How to recognize and appreciate the amazing babe on your arm. :)
I agree, Jennifer. Start ’em young! It’s tough teaching an old dog new tricks! :)
When #9 is in direct conflict with #7, which takes priority. My wife knows to within a quarter pound (using a scale marked in two pound increments) what she weighs, and saying anything about how thin she looks is going to create credibility issues. I should sign this “Still Clueless After Forty Years.” Thanks for the chuckle and the good advice.
Glad you stopped by, Bob, and thanks for the comment! Your blog is a riot. Love sharing your stuff! :)
I agree with Jennifer Steck – this training should be mandatory in school! A good compliment (without an eye roll) will get you everywhere with me … and with most women. What’s so hard to understand about that? For instance: When I come home with a new haircut – I’d love to hear, “Wow Honey! You look great!” Instead, what I usually hear is – “Did you get a haircut?” And that’s it – no comment about how it looks either way. Love this post, Vikki! As always, you completely nailed it! :D
Thanks, Marcia! This was a fun one to write (but Hubs hasn’t seen it yet)! :)
I think my husband could use some cue cards too…you should make this a printable! LOL
Thanks, Michelle! Actually, there’s a tiny printer icon option at the bottom of the post. You never know, it might help! :)
I LOVE this!! My husband is not very good at complimenting either. :) In fact, by not very good, I mean non-existent. Maybe he just needs to follow your guide. And, I love how you shared this with your son! I think I’ll be teaching my boys the same things eventually.
Thanks Meredith! Great to see you on Laugh Lines! I loved your post today, but couldn’t share it. Do you have a Twitter button? :)
I always like this one:
Me: “What do you think?” (Indicating my outfit for a night out)
Him: “If you looked any better we’d never leave the house! On second thought, maybe we won’t…..”
Me: (giggling) “Come on. Let’s go.”
You… are a true goddess of words! Perfectly put!
HaHa – I love the revised compliment on the face cream!!! And your son’s comment makes me laugh!!!
I need to post this on our bedroom wall. I love my hubby to pieces, but his desire to be honest coupled with his analytical mind results in arguments of, “Did you just call me fat/ugly/annoying?” Poor guy… :)
Though sometimes his honest critiques come out funny like –
Me: What do you think of this dress?
Hubby: Well, I wouldn’t wear it.
Me: I sure hope not! :) :)
I must share this post with my husband who was born without a funny bone (poor thing but he is trying)
Funny, but great advice too.
Can I enroll for a degree in ‘Understanding Women’ at the university of Vikki Claflin!
I really enjoyed reading this post, despite the pain of recognizing many of my previous mistakes. Love the chart as well; the one thing I’ve learnt over the 33 years with my good lady is that opening a bottle of wine makes everything better.
Where can I get a Things I Should Say to My Wife More Often rolodex for you know who? ;)
Oh, the conversations between you and your hubby! Priceless. :D
My husband’s old stand-by is, “You look great for your age!”
Yeah. His reflexes have gotten MUCH better.