In Gone With the Wind, they were called “corsets.” Our mothers called them “girdles.” Our generation knows them as “Spanx.” Tiny pieces of tight spandex designed to lift, tighten, squish, shove, and compress evidence of our age, our expired gym memberships from 2007, and our post-menopausal passion for Girl Scout Thin Mints and red wine (yes, together).
Spanx come in a dizzying variety of options, depending upon which particular body part(s) you’re attempting to bind into submission. There are literally dozens of styles to visually blur bumps, lumps, and flaws found anywhere between your shoulders and your ankles.
But I’ve reached the conclusion that Spanx work best on women who don’t need them.
My Spanx catalog arrived last week, and I sat down to flip through it, happily envisioning the new me, all toned and tightened without having to sweat it up on a Tread Climber or replace my Marie Callendar’s freezer stash with boxes of Jenny Craig. Seriously, people?? Every girl in the catalog would look fabulous in dental floss and nipple pasties. They all appeared to be 17 and six feet tall, with mile-long legs and zero percent body fat, and had obviously never given birth or experienced the guilty pleasure of cheesefries at the county fair. Where were the 5’3″, 58-year-old grandmothers, who have two jobs and can only work out at 4:00 a.m. (meaning, they don’t), and who have an unfortunate love of food?
It was then that I got the Big Idea. I’d send the Spanx people a few full-length selfies in several styles, for “real advertising.” My mind was whirling with visuals that could never be unseen.
In an effort to not preempt this brilliant advertising concept (It’s only been six months. They could still call, right?), I’m not including the pics I sent to the Spanx team. But here are some observations I noted during my walks down the runway/my hallway wearing nothing but Spanx and a smile.
Generally speaking, the entire concept is based on stuffing a generous size-X body into a teensy size-Y stretchy toothpaste tube. To be effective, you must break a sweat getting into it. If it slips on like granny panties, you need the next size down. And remember, that fat or loose skin you’re compressing doesn’t just go away. More often than not, it squishes out over the top, around the back, or below your buttocks. The part of you under the fabric will appear fabulously toned and tightened, but what oozes out from the top and bottom can make you look like a super-stuffed burrito.
1. The Slimmer & Shine Open Bust, Mid-Thigh Body Shaper. Basically shorts that go from thighs to waist, with spaghetti strap suspenders. I looked like Alfalfa from the Little Rascals, but in spandex. Includes “butt pockets” to boost the hiney up and out. While the side shoulder straps helped prevent my boobs from flopping over and becoming back fat whenever I laid down, the thigh bands resulted in unfortunate reverse muffin tops, with rippley thigh skin migrating out from the bottom of each pantie leg. And after spending the last several decades battling a big-butt gene pool, I’m inherently resistant to paying a hundred bucks for something that pads my ass. Next.
2. Super Higher Power Shaper. A tight shaper that runs from the mid-thigh to just under the boobs. Compresses the entire general area, including thighs, waist, and rear. Again with the butt lifter. Apparently I’m not grasping the big-butt trend, started by J. Lo, evolving into a nationwide pursuit by Kim Kardashian. While I appreciate any fashion trend that honors women who eat, whenever I think of butt pads, my mind sees spandex fanny packs. Can’t do it.
3. Open Bust Camisole. Essentially just the top half of #1. Could work, but the bottom of the cami persisted in riding up towards my waist, necessitating repeated efforts to reach up and pull it back down. And it seems my boobs aren’t exactly the same size (who knew?), because the left cami strap kept traveling over to the middle of that breast. If the point of wearing a human Scrunchie is to look better, constantly sticking your hands up your shirt all day to readjust your underwear is not going to get you there. Moving on.
4. Lingerie-Strap Slip. I tried this one under Hubs’ favorite LBD on Date Night. It felt a bit like a sausage casing, but I did look smoother. All good until we got home and, feeling sparky, Hubs unzipped my dress. As it slid to the floor, and I stood wearing nothing but a mortified expression and what Hubs later described as a giant, vacuum-sealed Food Saver bag, he burst into unrestrained laughter (instantly killing the mood, quite possibly for all time), choking out “What the hell are you wearing woman??” Hubs slept in the guest room, and I mailed that one to my sister the next morning. Good luck with that, Sissy.
5. Lust-Have Slimming Teddy. Surprisingly sexy little bodysuit, with lace and demi-cup bra. Fun, if you’re young and your boobs are non-existent or purchased, and your butt is still perky. In other words, if you look good in a bikini. In daylight. After 20 minutes of struggling to get into it and get all my body parts properly stuffed into position, the pantie part insisted on riding up on my butt, creating four cheeks instead of two. And when I leaned over in my sultriest “Hey, Big Guy” pose, my boobs fell out, looking like sad sock puppets dangling over the top of my teddy. Gave that one to my DIL.
6. Power Mama. A big ol’ spandex pantie with a maternity panel. No need to try this one, because…well, 58. But I gained 65 lbs when I was pregnant, and my only question is, Where the hell was this in 1989??
I now have a drawer full of slimmers and shapers, that I admit I rarely wear. But I did hear that Spanx is finally considering a long-sleeved, full-length, turtleneck version. I’m getting one in every color.
Hahahahaha! I love your catalog more than theirs, Vikki. I get their catalog and think the same thing – where are all the REAL models? Oy vey.
So, let me know when you hear from them. I’d be willing to go on QVC like they do to talk about what we really look like!
Cathy, what a great idea! Let’s fill a rooter bus with “real women” and storm the gates! :)
Crazy! Oh, that moment when I could pull the size I bought up over my ass–priceless. I guess I’ll never be a Hollywood starlet!
I agree, Carol! My Hollywood starlet days are over… Sigh. Then who am I kidding? I’m short, curvy and built like an Irish potato farmer. Those days were never here! :)
I meant “couldn’t”. COulDn’T!
I might be an Irish potato farmer, so totally get that! I still have lovely wrists though….
Let’s storm the gates!
Cate, I’m in! Let’s show up what “hot” really looks like! (We ARE taking wine, right?) :)
YEP! You’re the red and I’m the white.
I think that I’ll wait for that long sleeve turtle neck version myself! I need something that will smooth the back fat into my flatter than a pancake butt!
Rena, maybe you could try one of those butt pads! For me, they seemed redundant. I’ve already got the butt pads. Mine came with the original birthday suit! :)
The sad part? I tried Spanx when I was at my very thinnest ever (yes, I was underweight…I was also sick), and thought I was the only woman alive who looked worse, not better, in them. The muffin top/bottom thing is a bit of an issue, Spanx peeps.
Karen, Fortunately for my marriage, I tried most of these on behind a locked bedroom door. Poor Hubs may never be able to get the slip image out of his head! :)
Bwahaha. OMG! I have given up entirely on Spanx. I wore one for my wedding in 2010 and once more in 2012. That’s it. Done-zo! I’m not a girl who likes feeling like sausage wrapped up casing. My boobs are not perky and I have enough rolls on my gut to open a bakery. Screw that. Just pass me my jeans and a comfy t-shirt and I’m happy.
Kim, I like your style! :)
See, your expectations are just tangled up. When you say you broke a sweat, you identified their true purpose – Spanx are made for exercise. It’s a new line of fitness apparel. So put them back on and get thee to the gym. You know, a big, public one.
Alexandra, I’m imagining showing up at the local Big Gym in my Spanx, and I’m laughing out loud (which wouldn’t be a problem if I wasn’t at work!) Thanks for the hilarious visual! :)
Vikki, that was priceless! I laughed all the way through it! At 70, I have no interest in donning a sausage casing! Take me as I am, or get lost! lol
Glad you liked it, Eva! I’m with you. With every birthday, I get further and further away from my Spanx drawer! :)
I panic just reading about Spanx. I tried them once in a department store. I squeezed and stuffed and got so claustrophobic I nearly ran (barefooted and pigeon-toed, with knees squeezed tightly together and boobs shoved up under my chin where they were quickly closing off my airway) from the dressing room to the kitchen department to get a knife to cut the damned garment off me. Whew, my bulges and rolls feel a lot better when I just leave them hanging. They thrive on gravity! One day at the beach, while visiting a boutique, my skinny friend saw a sale on Spanx. She couldn’t wait to grab some and head into the dressing room. “Don’t do it!” I warned, but she didn’t listen. Soon, red faced, panting and perspiring, she begged for help. She was stuck. And claustrophobic. Even if you don’t have anything to tuck in, they are not designed for the human body.
OMG, Pat, you are hilarious! Love, love, love the visual of you running for the scissors in your Spanx! :)
Hahahaah…my sister and I call them squishy underwear….
Michelle, that’s funny! They are squishy! (And so is the skin that rolls out from under the panties or over the top of the back. Ack! :)
if you do get called, and i have no doubt you will, consider expanding your network cuz I want IN!! we could totally do an Victoria Secret’s Angel runway show …. the “after.” (altho, full disclosure -pun intended — i was never the ‘before.)
Kathy, I’m thinking a busload of a dozen of our fabulous friends, with “real bodies” and several bottles of wine, and we just storm the runways with our post-menopausal hotness! They’d sell millions. :)
Let’s hear it for Thin mints AND red wine! Right there with ya’! We were at the mall this weekend and there it was: the SPANX Store. The guys had their laugh about it and I was like “Why don’t YOU guys have to wear these things?” If they call, I know you’ll work it, girl!
Linda, believe it or not, they have Spanx for men! Hubs runs like a scalded cat whenever I bring it up, but you might want to have the men in your group give them a try! :)
“Thanx for the Spanx!” Said no woman EVER. Oh you’ve outdone yourself with this one, Vikki! I am laughing so hard, my Spanx can’t even begin to hold my sides in. More please!!
Stephanie, you just made my day! :)
I need to enter this fashion century as I have never tried on Spanx. And now I never will. Bwah aha ha ahaha You crack me up. Now go to the gym as my sister suggested. Not to work out, but to strut your stuff!
Kymberly, The last time I strut any of my stuff at the gym, the 22-year-old personal trainer fell off his high horse and sprained an ankle laughing. I haven’t been back since! :)
You’ve outdone yourself with this one, Vikki :-)
Thanks, Liane!! :)
I tried on 1 of those Spanx contraptions in a dressing room and got so claustrobic that I practically had a panic attack on top of a major hot flash and almost couldn’t get it off after I realized halfway through squeezing my body into it that it was just not gonna’ work. I ran out of that dressing room and never took another look at another Spanx. They are SO uncomfortable. Loved this piece, too funny.
This topic will never grow old. I use baby powder to get into mine. Best to try sit-up.