Ask any longtime married couple the secret to wedded bliss and you might get a few answers like “shared interests,” “patience,” or even the occasional “great sex.” However, most marital decathlon winners will tell you the secret to long-time happiness is knowing when to SHUT UP.
Coming from a family of multiple-marriers (brothers and sisters, all 2-3 times; mom, twice; dad, 5 times), the one lesson I’ve learned is that when it comes to “helping” your spouse learn a new skill or sport (tennis, guitar, Spanish), or achieve a personal goal (lose weight, quit smoking), the best thing you can do is applaud, when asked to do so as a show of support, but otherwise be very, very quiet.
Since the dawn of man, no spouse has ever correctly answered, “Do you think I’m getting fat?” A friend could say, “Well, you might be up a little, but you’re still hot,” and we’d hear “You look great. Let’s order another glass of wine.” A spouse could say exactly the same thing, and we’d hear “Yes, because you hoover Oreos like a shop vac, and you might want to dial down the wine, you lush.” Ask a friend, “Why can’t I quit smoking?” and he’ll say, “Those things are addictive,” meaning “It’s not your fault.” If a spouse replied in kind, we’d hear, “Because you’re a spineless loser, and I should have married Bob.” And God forbid we should ever offer advice when asked by our partner on mastering a sport. “My tennis game sucked today. What am I doing wrong?” RUN to the nearest exit. THERE IS NO RIGHT ANSWER. Happily married couples instinctively know that “I now pronounce you husband and wife” instantly and irrevocably establishes your position as cheerleader, not coach.
In our newlywed years, Kenny decided it would be fun if I learned to play golf. Yeah, no. First of all, I have the patience of a crack-addled squirrel, and secondly, the appeal of whacking the crap out of tiny, recalcitrant ball, trying to drive its reluctant ass into an equally tiny hole a half mile away, eludes me. Acres and acres of green grass that my ball was apparently allergic to because it never landed there. It was magnetically attracted to sand, water, or trees, period. As we trudged from hole to hole (18?? SERIOUSLY???), Kenny was nonstop “helping” with advice that only made sense to golfers, like “Drop your shoulder,” “Relax and swing through,” or “Let me check your grip.” Touch me one more time and die. At the thousandth hole, I finally stopped and snapped, “Here’s the deal. When I write you a check for $60, you can give me all the lessons you want. Until then, SHUT. UP.” We finished the final few holes in blissful silence and made up over a glass (okay, 3) of red wine in the clubhouse.
“You know,” said Kenny, “a lesson might be a good idea.” So the next day, I spent an hour and a half with Rick, the golf instructor. When it was over, I bounded over to Kenny and breathlessly repeated all the advice Rick had given me. “He told me to drop my shoulder, like this,” I exclaimed, “and to relax and swing through, like this. AND he even showed me how to grip the clubs! He’s amazing!” “Gee,” Kenny said, dryly, “I wish I’d said all those things.” “You did,” I replied, “but since I wasn’t paying you, it wasn’t a lesson. It was annoying.”
And so we agreed that from then on, marital coaching would be replaced by cheerleading only. All “help” offered on new sports, skills, or self improvement would hereafter be limited to “Way to go!”
And they lived happily ever after.
Oh so true Vikki and coming from a lifer here I know all too well how this one works and can say you described it perfectly!!
:D
Exactly. Ben’s newest ‘must teach me’ moment is how to Fly Fish! Eeegads! I finally just asked him what it was that the flick of the lead was supposed to be pretending to do? It’s supposed to trick the fish into thinking there’s a fly on the water surface who quickly flies away, making the fish try even harder the next time to catch the fly. Makes the fish try even harder? Really? Can they spell too- like I-D-I-O-T? I’ll just go to the corner store for my trout.
This is great advice. More people should take note. I’m going to post this on my fb page, so more people can check it out.
“the secret to long-time happiness is knowing when to SHUT UP”—Haha, yes, I think you’re right on this one!
Noted and will be applied when the time comes. Great post Vikki.
EXACTLY~
Love it! Love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Thank you, thank you Vikki for ALWAYS making me laugh. You are a gem. Now I’ll shut up.
Vikki
Wish I could have been with you guys Sat. night.
Your advice is so true and SO HARD TO DO!
I didn’t know there was such a thing as a crack-addled squirrel. Is there a movement to help these sweet babies? How are they getting the substance? Hooking it on the tree limb? Is there a squirrel dealer or is it another species like a gopher?
I bet it’s a gopher. Fricking gophers are not to be trusted.
I really hope we can get this crack-squirrel problem under control. Maybe that’s why they run around so quickly…they’re hyped up on rock. :-)
OMG…so TRUE!! Since I wasn’t paying you it was annoying. Hahahahahaha. I’m about to have my 19th anniversary on Wednesday and knowing when to shut it is VITALLY important! SUCH a great post!! –Lisa
Gosh…you are one funny lady and I am glad your hubby could see through your flaws;)
This is great advice! The hubs and I will be celebrating 8 years of semi-happily married bliss this year, so I’ll share this with him! :)
Oh Vikki! This is so true. I never realized that this understood marital rule is why we have a code phrase for, “No, seriously, I really want your help on this.” What we say comes from Pulp Fiction. One of us says, “I need The Wolf” and the other zooms in to help solve a problem. Now, I understand this isn’t the same as golf or guitar lessons. CJ tried to teach me guitar, and even after his great instruction and keeping his mouth totally shut at night while I practiced Hot Cross Buns for two weeks, I quit. He didn’t say a word while I practiced, but I just knew he was looking at me!
Absolutely love the anecdote about the golf lessons. Drives me nuts how men always think they know everything about sports. Even now my husband has to stop me every time we go to the gym to correct my form on the bench press. Shut up, already! As a former pro athlete, I have been lifting weights for decades, long before it was in vogue.
So, so, so true!! Love it!
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Oh I love this! So true!
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A great and funny story that I enjoyed reading. Also a very good life lesson.
“Happily married couples instinctively know that “I now pronounce you husband and wife” instantly and irrevocably establishes your position as cheerleader, not coach.” – This is so true. Wonderful post! Thanks for linking up!
Great advice Vikki! I keep quite and take very very deep breath :)
Giggled out loud so much through this! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to tell my husband, “stop trying to fix my problem. Just shut up, listen, and nod empathetically.” Men are problem solvers (I guess) and can be very hard to talk to when they get all coach-y. And you’re right, if he’s trying to help me – it’s annoying, but my friend can tell me the same information and I’m all, “wow, thanks.” haha
You absolutely crack me up! You never disappoint, Vikki! “Yes, because you hoover Oreos like a shop vac, and you might want to dial down the wine, you lush.” I’m frigging DYING here!
My husband and I have been married 13 years and I think we are still learning this lesson. Brilliant advice – and your golf story really brings it home.
I’m going to recall this the next time either of us tries something new!
Haha so true– the boyfran periodically tries to “help” me with my blogging or gyming. This results in “why do you think I’m so fat and repulsive?!?!?!” and “why don’t you believe in my writing?!?!?!”
This actually reminds me of what happens at work. A colleague will suggest an idea that is rejected by the upper management. But when said managers hire an outside consultant that says THE EXACT SAME THING the idea is suddenly considered genius.
Bwahaha. So true! My husband hasn’t quite mastered when to shut up (okay fine, neither have I) but I’d say we’re doing okay in our 3.5 years of marriage. Like Beth said, men are problem solvers and mine is no different. He does know when to simply get me a favorite snack versus telling me what to eat so there’s that I guess. LOL.
Very true! My husband seems to think he needs to do a lot of coaching, so I got him to coach my sons baseball and basketball teams, which helped divert his attention from coaching ME! :)