Up past my usual 8:30 bedtime one night and, like a 3-year-old who gets to stay up late with the big people, I thought I’d check out what goes on in cyberspace after 10:00. Five minutes online, and I struck gold.
Apparently there’s a facebook app called the “Social Media Sobriety Test,” designed to help prevent regrettable, late-night, drunken posts to spouses (“Babe, SO sorry I slept with your sister. I was drunk and thought she was you”), employers (“Didn’t like my presentation, jackass?? I QUIT”), ex-lovers (“Pleeeez take me back. Sob. I’m just a pathetic loser without you”), friends (“Seriously, dude, you really don’t know your wife is sleeping with your best friend?? Everyone else does”), or family members (“Yeah, you just think mom loves you best. She gave me a thousand bucks for my birthday last year. What did she give YOU?”)
Once installed, whenever you try to post after 10 p.m., it automatically opens a quick test (you have to type in the alphabet backwards, which I can’t do sober, so yeah, I’m screwed). If you fail, you can’t log in. But just to make sure the entire universe knows your every move, it then UPDATES YOUR STATUS to say “(Your name) can’t post tonight because he/she is intoxicated.” Awesome. (At this point, if you’re at a bar and any of your facebook friends are local police officers, I wouldn’t try to drive home, since you just publicly outed your current condition. “Yeah, I’m drunk, and yep, I’m driving home now.”) So this amazing app saves relationships and jobs, and reduces DUI convictions. And best of all, it’s FREE!
But since I’m a social media junkie (show me a blogger who isn’t, and I’ll show you a writer that writes to hear herself speak), I had to pass on anything that threatens to kick me offline, so I moved on to late-night shopping. Settling in with a glass of wine (since I’m neither posting on facebook nor driving), I booted up a search for something fun and girly to buy. Having more luck than I usually experience with lottery tickets or blackjack, I quickly struck gold for the second time that night. Up popped a photo, with accompanying link, to the Bosom Max.
Pink (of course), frilly, and cut down to there, this marvelous little invention is actually a bra that promises “remarkable breast enhancement through electrostatic stimulation” during daily wear. The testimonials were hilarious. Apparently it’s possible to “squeeze, squeeze, squeeze” yourself up 2 cup sizes. (You just CAN’T make this stuff up!) So I’m supposed to get dressed, fire up my bra, and walk around all day with my breasts moving around like I’ve got live cats in there, thinking no one will notice?? And by the end of the day, I’ve had eight hours of breast massage and, quite frankly, now I just want to be left alone. I can already hear the conversation. Kenny: “I’m feeling a little sparky tonight, sweetie. Up for a little nudge, nudge, wink, wink?” Me: “No, thanks. I’ve been wearing The Bra all day. I’m good.” Something tells me I won’t be getting one of these for my birthday.
As I crawled into bed and fell into a blissful, belated sleep, I decided I’m never going to be a night owl. But if your facebook post tonight gets you fired, divorced, or unfriended by a family member, or if you discovered another piece of battery operated underwear, I promise to read about it in the morning.
I think I would pass on the battery operated underwear.
The Facebook app would be great if it could distinguish between the – keep on posting, you really are witty right now – and – go to bed, you’re becoming a jerk – stages of intoxication.
You are too kind to make sure to read those statuses, lol!! Seriously cannot believe the crap that people will purchase!! :)
You are right, this WAS Friday fun! I don’t know but that bra sounds like it could short circuit and cause some sort of odd injury…I’ll stick to the old fashioned kind for now!
Hilarious – I wonder if that bra can go ahead and do a mammogram while it’s manipulating your breasts? THAT would be a time-saver. Thanks for making me laugh on Friday!!
It never ceases to amaze me what one can find to buy- on line- at night. Thanks for the laugh!!
Guffaw–and double loud Guffaw!
Too funny! We get a lot of business between 1-4 AM all time zones from shoppers. We don’t get many returns so I think they are safe from the App!
FUNNY!!! Vikki, you crack me up!
This is hilarious! Honestly, I wish that app existed when I was in college. (I wish ANY app existed when I was in college…or iPhones, or phones that didn’t have to be lugged around in a bag.)
Where WAS this handy device when I was frantically peering at my chest every night, praying that the Breast Fairy would be paying me a visit in my sleep?
Yeah, thanks but no thanks.
Oh the other hand – I wonder if you could turn the electrodes or whatever they were, OUTWARD. So a masher or club groper gets zapped like a bug?
My God. I’m looking to shrink my bra size by two instead of increase it by electrocution. I wonder if there is a THE BRA for that? –Lisa
Hi! I came across your blog in my search for nominees for the Beautiful Blogger Award (cuz you know, I CAN’T pick just my friends), and that is when I found your blog. I have nominated you for the Beautiful Blogger Award. I am a little late in reaching out to you, because my life has been crazy busy these last few weeks, but here ya go!! Have a great weekend!!
http://lovetowriteblog.wordpress.com/2013/03/05/nominated-for-the-beautiful-blogger-award/
That bra sounds a little scary. And you are hilarious! I don’t think I’m going to download that app because I prefer to think I’m really funny at 10pm after too much wine. And I don’t like being wrong.
Silly is good ALL THE TIME!!!
I have not laughed so hard in a long time. Thank you!
So funny. The app for stopping the FB drunk dialing, er, updating is a great idea. I should recommend it to my daughter, as she has a habit of posting headscratchers late at night. (Though I’m not all that sure alcohol is involved, as she’s ALWAYS made me scratch my head at the odd things that come out of her mouth.)
Great way to start my day with a smile. Thanks, Vikki!
Now I wonder what happens if you take the sobriety test WHILE wearing the squeeze squeeze bra… Another hilarious post, Vikki!
Haha! is there really such an app?
The battery operated underwear reminded me of a scene from “The Ugly Truth” when Gerard Butler’s character gives Katherine Heigl’s character a pair of remote controlled underwear. The remote falls out of her purse in a restaurant, kid finds remote and starts messing it, the vibrator in her underhear buzzes away and she ends up getting an orgasm right there in the restaurant. Holy crap that was a huge run on sentence. Moving on…
*ahem* I’m usually up until 11 most days so I’m already screwed when it comes to being online late at night.
Hilarious. This was the first thing I read this morning and it definitely set the tone for the day. What will they think of next…
LOL I want me some braaaaa! Anything to make my twinsies appear “nicer” LMAO