Stop the first ten women you meet in the street and ask them for their least favorite clothing item to shop for. Eight of them will say “swimsuits.” But, bikinis aside (since most boomers haven’t tried one on since 1989), even well-cut, one-piece swimsuits have a way of outing our last dozen diet failures and the 1,496 times we didn’t get to the gym in the last decade. In most cases, any onsie from Miraclewear or Spanx, if purchased in our actual size and not the size we keep telling ourselves we wear, will provide enough boob lift, butt coverage, and belly flattening spandex to get us from our hotel room to poolside with minimal assault on our self-esteem. If all else fails, there’s always the beloved sarong cover-up. Classy, and covers up everything from the waist down. Definitely invented by a woman.
But jeans? That’s a different issue altogether. Let’s start with the fact that jeans were not originally designed for women. Especially women with curves. They were created for men. Yes, that species with bodies that go straight up and down. Calves, thighs, hips, and waist, more rectangular than hourglass. (I know there are women who are built like that. All long legs, slim hips, and tiny little waists. Just to be clear, I hate those women and we will never be friends. My therapist says I have issues. I’m thinking the fact that I have a therapist pretty much covers that.)
But for those of us with bodies more reminiscent of the soft, squishy curves of Play-doh than the relentlessly straight angles of Legos, jeans can be a shopping nightmare.
Most women are a minimum of two different sizes, and that’s just from the waist down. We need to factor in waist size, hip circumference, and leg length. A waist that is one size, a butt that’s another, and inseam measurements that range from French bulldog to gazelle, can all make jeans sizing almost worthless. My experience? If the jeans fit my waist, the hips feel like they’re wrapped in an Ace bandage. If they fit through the hips, you could stick three friends in the waistband. With a long torso, every style is a low-riders, whether or not they’re labeled that way. I struggled with visible butt crack before anyone but the local plumber knew what it was. Needless to say, when I find a pair of jeans that fit, I wear them until they fall off.
With this knowledge, and not-so-little trepidation, I found myself at Nordstrom, needing a new pair of jeans. I explained my predicament to the perky young saleswoman, and she smiled brightly, “I’m Tiffany. And of course I can help you. So, a size 6?” (Having been in retail for a thousand-plus years, I’m fully aware that you always suggest the next number down when guessing a woman’s size. Get that one wrong and your commission just charged out the door in a huff, never to return.) “Actually, I’m an 8,” I replied. “Well, you look like a 6,” she chirped, “but let me see what we have in an 8.” Oh, Tiffy was good.
She deposited me in the plush dressing room and returned shortly with more jeans than I’ve purchased collectively in my lifetime, handing them to me one at a time so I could try them on at my leisure “without getting overwhelmed” (read: suicidal), in case nothing worked. Yep, young Tiffy was a pro.
The first pair were dark wash low-riders. Loved the deep blue color, but I’m built like a Welsh Corgi. Long body, short legs. “Low-rise” on me means below my butt crack. I don’t even have to bend over or squat down to display my backside hoo-ha, in all its 59-year-old glory, to people who don’t need to see it, ever. Some things are just cosmically wrong. Next?
Over the door came the traditional nightmare (Levi’s 501’s, anybody?). Good fit through the thighs, but cut off the circulation in my hips and had my waist oozing over the top like an exploding Hot Pocket. These were promptly launched back over the door and replaced by a pair that fit comfortably through the hips, but the waist kept sliding down and the legs were baggy. I felt like a middle-aged Justin Bieber.
Then she tossed over a pair of soft blue denim with a textured, brocade-type swirl, “just for fun.” Good fit, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Scarlett’s drapes from Gone With the Wind. Nope.
Next came skinny jeans. We could have stopped right there, but Tiffy insisted I try. They required some rigorous hopping and pulling to get them up past my thighs and would only button if I laid flat on my back and exhaled to flatten my tummy (shades of my college days). Since I’m too old to get dressed on the floor (and it takes too long to get up), back over the door they sailed.
Our next option looked pretty good, but had enough bling on the ass to work as reflective gear to help bring planes to the tarmac. And of all my body parts I don’t want to light up like a Las Vegas stripper, it would be that. Keep trying, Tiff.
Just as I was ready to concede defeat and hit the closest wine bar for a bottle of cheap Cabernet and a good cry, Tiffy opened the door, ever-so-slightly, and handed me a pair of soft, narrow-legged, higher-waisted jeans in a gorgeous charcoal color, rolled up at the cuffs, with just the right amount of seriously cool, rocker chick distressing. OMG. They were perfect. No butt crack cleavage, fitted through the hips, curved in at the waist, with just a touch of spandex to keep everything from jiggling when I was standing still. They had three colors in my size. I bought them all.
I gave Tiffy a hug, and with promises to return again soon, I took my bounty and headed for the closest wine bar. This time, I’m ordering the good stuff.
Jeans are tough because we hold ourselves to a high standard—they have to be perfect! And it’s worth it, right? Once you find the great pair?
That’s why I’m a shoe girl (see my latest post–ha ha)—much easier to fit!!
jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
I agree, Jodie! We expect our jeans to suddenly give us longer legs and smaller curves, because that’s what they look like in the ads. Not gonna happen… :)
I am growing disenchanted with jeans all together. I want to look good but I also want to be comfortable. I am gravitating towards looser, less constricting clothes in general, and sadly jeans rarely fit that description. Glad you found what you were looking for!
Me too, Sharon! I’m getting really, really picky about my jeans. If they’re not comfy, I won’t wear them. Which rules out virtually every one I try on. I just know the ones I found will be discontinued next week. Happens every time! :)
Totally relate to this! Can you shar the brand with us?
Adena, absolutely, but remember, styles I love may not work for you (and what looks fabulous on you may make me look shorter and chunkier). Unfortunately, jeans are NOT a one-style-fits-all concept. But give these a try, if you like skinny jeans. Maurice’s skinny leggings. They look fabulous under slightly longer tops. Good luck, and thanks for stopping by! :)
This was too funny to read first thing in the morning! Very funny any time of day but best when not snorting out coffee. I want the name of those jeans.
Thanks, Haralee! You just made my day. I am a lover of skinny jeans, but they’re hard to find in a good fit if your legs are short and your torso is long. I stumbled into skinny legging jeans at Maurice’s, and I bought them in every color/wash. They come up higher than my butt crack, are super comfy and a little stretchy (but don’t “bag out” after hours of wear), and look great with softly fitted, longer tops. And there you go, my friend! :)
One question from the distaff side; Was there any problem getting the second mortgage to pay for three pairs of jeans from Nordstroms?
Too funny, Bob! I explained to Hubs that my absolutely overpriced but fabulous Nordstrom jeans were for date night, and the skinny jeans I found at Maurice’s for $36 apiece (AFTER I brought my Nordy’s jeans home) were for “everyday wear.” He just looked confused and gave up. :)
All my life on the ranch was spent in jeans. I just walked in to the nearest Riley-McCormacks and grabbed a pair of 29-34’s. Can you believe it? 29-34? And they fit! I dream of those days . . .
Diane, that’s how my Hubs shops for jeans. Just looks at the size, shrugs, and tosses them in the cart. And he looks great. But I’m not jealous. Really…I’m not. Okay, I AM. I envy your ability, at any time in your life, to be able to buy something by size alone, especially jeans! :)
Hahaha..this has been the best thing about my Monday.
Thank you, Michelle!!
An Exploding Hot Pocket!!! Lol. Too funny. Well my version of “Tiffy” hasn’t quite learned discretion. She always pops back into the fitting room yelling, “How’s that size 16 working out for you, Stephanie?”
And I have always wanted to be featured in a jeans commercial and say in a Brooke Shield’s seductive voice, “Everything gets in between me and my Calvins!”
Stephanie, you are hilarious! “Everything gets in between me and my Calvins”! I’d steal that if I didn’t love you. Thanks for the laugh! :)
Thanks Vicky! I actually stole it from myself when I wrote a post about jeans shopping and titled it that exact thing, back when I had only 4 followers!
Everything Gets Between Me and My Calvins! | Once Upon Your Prime
https://onceuponyourprime.com/2014/01/08/everything-gets-between-me-and-my-calvins/
I need that picture printed and framed in my kitchen, so completely me.
You’re too funny, Rena! I could send it to you, but you’d need an eye wash station close by! :)
Funny how they can be so difficult to buy, but become the “go to” comfy pants a week later!
I agree, Nora! It may take hours to find the right style and size, but once you find them and break them in a little, they’re not so bad. (Although they will never feel like yoga pants…sigh.) :)
I’ve had some luck with jeans from Target, believe it or not. Also, Chico’s are really comfy for hanging out in but, not the sexy fit for date night. This is why we have to get so damn many!
Glad you got something good!
b
Thanks, Barbara! I agree. Chico’s makes some cute ones, but they just don’t have that “date night’ appeal. Hubs still doesn’t understand why I have a dozen pairs of jeans, when he can get by with “work jeans” and “play jeans.” He doesn’t understand “fat jeans” and “skinny jeans,” “feeling confident jeans” and “just shoot me” jeans, “distressed, rebel jeans” and “dark wash I’m-from-New-York jeans.” I think it’s just a man-woman thing! :)
“enough bling on the ass to work as reflective gear to help bring planes to the tarmac”: Bwahahahahahahaha!
This is my biggest problem as a plus-size gal. I swear the fashion industry seems to operate under the theory “if you throw enough fairy glitter on the big girl, maybe she’ll disappear!”
Glad to see you on Laugh Lines, Parri! I am totally with you on the bling. I rarely see it on tiny jeans. The bigger the butt size, the more they sparkle it. That’s how we know if a specific brand was designed by a woman (no bling, please) or a man (light it up, baby)! :)
Oh my. That is a huge win!
I can’t remember the last time I successfully bought a pair of jeans. Still clinging to my Miss Me Skinny’s from about 4 years ago.
That being said, as much as I love wearing them, they IMMEDIATELY come off and get exchanged for yoga pants when I get home :-)
I’m with you, Tamara! Even if I do wear them when we go out or I want to look the tiniest bit fashionable, I’m into yoga pants as soon as I walk in the door. Hubs doesn’t even comment any more when I start stripping down before I even get through the front door! :)
I only wear stretch jeans now. Of course, as soon as I enter my home, all clothes are peeled replaced with either my exercise stretch pants or bathrobe!
I agree, Ellen! I don’t even try on jeans that don’t have a little give. They tend to be heavier and less flattering. I’ve met very few women that look good in traditional Levi’s or Wranglers! :)
Another hilarious post we can all relate to! All I can say is thank gawd for spandex in jeans. I’ve had pretty good luck with the NYDJ brand. I never used to understand how anyone could spend over $100 for a pair of jeans, but if they fit, well, what’s a boomer to do? Plus, I live in rural Maine where jeans are de rigueur. So if I amortize them over the number of times they get worn…
Thanks, Roxanne! You’re too funny. I’ve tried that amortization explanation with Hubs, and now he just rolls his eyes and snorts. His argument is always “You won’t HAVE them long enough to get that much wear out of them. You get tired of your clothes and then you give them away to all your friends.” He has a point… :)
Do you know just last week, I was browsing in a charity shop and I found my favourite brand of jeans, in my favourite cut and in my size. And they were a steal! Still seems unreal now. I almost expect them to disappear overnight in a puff of smoke. Haven’t taken them off yet, obvs :)
I’m so jealous, Weeza! My favorite stores could be having a two-story “EVERYTHING on sale and must go” sale, and I’d want the only item in the entire store that was NOT on sale. :)
I’m thinking you should hang on to Tiffany’s card for the next time you need jeans. She sounds like a winner.
You’re right, Kathy! Tiffy understands me… :)
Once you found them, you only bought one pair? I would have asked for all the colors or at least gotten two because trying on clothes is such an ordeal.
I’m with you, Jennifer! I almost always ask for the selected style in every color they have. Sometimes I run out of money… :)
I also still find myself wistfully longing for the days in which I could purchase Levi 501 jeans just by the size. They fit, they were comfy, and would hold up for several days’ wearing before needing to be washed. Sigh. Double sigh.
Then things changed (yes, my body). No pairs of jeans suited. Then my sister told me about DG2 jeans on HSN. Diane Gilman understands how to make jeans that fit despite a bit of fluffiness around the middle. My only complaint is that her sizing is not always consistent, so every so often I have to return/exchange. Despite that fault, I still recommend giving DG2 jeans a try.
Thanks for sharing that, Julie! I’m going to check them out now! :)
Isn’t that wonderful when the planets align and you find a pair of jeans that fit? I discovered that with Donna Karan and I’ve never looked back. I don’t even try on another brand. Once happy, I have the loyalty of a bloodhound. Thanks for the reminder.
You’re right, Laurie! It’s an alignment of the cosmos to find jeans that fit and are comfy. I’m going to check out the Donna Karans next time I need jeans. Thanks for the tip! :)
Although not suggesting I face as many challenges as you ladies when buying jeans, I do struggle to find a pair that fits – I think it’s something to do with my freakishly long body and short stubby legs.
Amusing as always – I can always depend on you to make me smile. Take care.
Vikki,this is the first time I’ve read ur blog and u absolutely had me in splits! Well written!
Why oh why do our bodies turn against us? Another thing I wonder is WHY can’t polyester be sexy?
Bring back polyester I say while struggling to pull up my jeans over these 70 year old voluptuous hips! Don’t dare say voluptuous isn’t the word they should be called.