Whenever a new baby comes into a family, the first year or so is all about how “his ears are huge, just like Uncle Elmo’s” or “her smile looks just like Aunt Trixie’s.” By the second year, we start looking for positive personality traits, hopefully handed down from beloved relatives. He may have Uncle Dumbo’s ears, but he also has his off-the-chart IQ and has already moved on from Mommy & Me classes to baby cello lessons, while Aunt Trixie’s mini-me has never met a stranger she didn’t like, just like Auntie, who’s a wildly popular stripper at the local gentlemen’s club.
Sometimes the personality and talents of our children remain a gene-pool mystery that just simply is.
My sister is a fabulous cook. As in valedictorian-of-her-culinary-school, people-photograph-her-meals-before-they-eat-them cook. I can’t cook. At all. Zero kitchen skills. And not in a cute, “Oh my goodness, my freshly grated coconut needs a touch more browning” way. More of a “Sorry about breaking your tooth on my cheesecake, Dude. Are we still good?” kind of way. One year, I was instructed to bring my favorite appetizer to a family dinner. I brought a box of blueberry Pop Tarts (C’mon people, they said “my favorite,” and these were frosted). And so began Sissy’s ongoing inquiry at every family event, repeatedly asking Mom “Are you sure she’s ours?”
One evening, Hubs announced that it was time to get the cooking question answered, once and for all. What exactly was it about cooking that makes stale Lucky Charms more appealing than the simplest recipe? Okay. Here goes.
1. The finished dish never looks like the picture in the book.That pie will bear minimal resemblance to its photographed counterpart, with lightly browned crust and just the right amount of fruit smooshing out of the perfectly symmetrical slices across the top. So essentially, you’re a failure before anybody even grabs a fork.
2. I’m a great multi-tasker, if my task list includes things I do well. Most meals, however, include more than one dish, and one is expected to get them all edible simultaneously. Who are these people?? My culinary limitations mean you get one dish at a time. When I finish that one, you can eat it while I start the next one. I tried it once, calling it our “Progressive Dinner,” hoping the family would think it was unique and fun, but it never took off.
3. My culinary tastes never surpassed my 5th birthday and are easily addressed by peanut butter-and-banana sandwiches and microwavable jalapeno poppers. Why take all that time to cook when I can be happily satisfied with Wheat Thins and Cheez in a Can?
4. The better you are at it, the more often people expect you to do it. I have friends whose family members expect them to repeat this process three times a day. I laughed for two days, until someone told me that wasn’t a joke. Oh. My. God.
5. Meal planning for just one week involves 7 breakfasts, 7 lunches, and 7 dinners, excluding snacks and desserts. Are you kidding me?? I’d have to quit my job and reduce my blog posts to once a year. Devoting my days to multiple feedings for a group of people who are capable of programming three remotes to watch the Big Game, but have somehow lost the ability to scramble their own damn eggs would result in a call to Dominos pizza delivery (yes, for breakfast) on Mom’s way out the door for a spa day. See you all at 6.
6. Every recipe requires something you don’t have. The last time Sissy gave me the recipe for her award-winning cookies, it included 1/8 tsp of something called “Carmardon.” It’s $11 a bottle. WTH?? This is why people buy Oreos.
7. And just when you thought that “simple” recipe from The Joy of Cooking (an oxymoron if I ever heard one) might work out, you get to the bottom and it says, “When cool, brush lightly with glaze. Glaze recipe is on page 426. Glaze is best if prepared the day before and allowed to sit overnight.” Seriously, you couldn’t have opened with that??
8. You need a degree in Cooking as a Second Language. How much is a “smidgen?” What the hell is a “pinch?” “Dust lightly?” Chopped, diced, or minced?? What’s the difference? And “al dente?” Someone once told me to throw my pasta noodle at the wall, and if it sticks, it’s ready. I was having a ball one day, rocking my favorite country song while I tossed noodles at the wall, until I had a wall covered in noodles and an empty pan of water on the stove. I considered just throwing a jar of Ragu on the wall and announcing “Dinner’s ready!” but my family never gets my cooking humor.
9. You need a staggering variety of cookware, including utensils, pots, pans, serving trays, mixers, blenders, glassware, and on and on it goes, all of which could fund an annual week-long trip to a sun-drenched island with tiny umbrellas in their drinks. Hmmm. Yeah, I can be packed in 10.
10. We live in a world of food intolerances that could send a new cook out on a ledge, sobbing and clutching a bottle of wine which, if there is a God, has a screw top. One person needs gluten-free, and another is lactose-intolerant. There’s a vegan at every gathering, and of course, the inevitable dieting female who only eats salad, but apparently thinks wine is an acceptable substitute for her daily eight glasses of water. You know what, people? Here’s the menu. If there’s anything on it you can’t or won’t eat, please feel free (seriously, please) to bring your own suitable replacement.
When Jake and I moved back to Oregon, he was 10 and well-versed in Mom’s culinary limitations. We went to Safeway for our first big shop to stock the cupboards of our new apartment, and I told him The Rules of the cart. Any item thrown in had to be edible from its original container or microwavable. Period. We had a blast tossing in (and occasionally tossing out, if either of us forgot the parameters) a fairly impressive variety of almost-food products.
The young man behind us was laughing and watching as we selected, debated, and decided on what was in and what was out. I offered to let him pass, but he grinned and said, “No thanks. This is the most fun I’ve had all day.”
So as Jake was happily learning how to eat without the need for appliances (which I assured him would dazzle his future wife someday) and Stranger Guy was apparently having a ball, trailing behind us and listening to our running commentary as we bought an entire kitchen worth of bomb-shelter-ready food products, I knew my work that day was done.
Bon Appetit.
I love this! I can cook, the basics, nobody would die on my dime, but I’m not the cook that my sisters are and, to be honest, I don’t have any desire to be. I love that you brought pop tarts as an appetizer!! Perfect!!!
I cooked a lot when I was raising my kids, then made a half-hearted attempt to keep at it when they left home. Now I’m down to 1-2 times a week, because I never have enjoyed it very much (even if I’m pretty good at it). Like you said, who would write all those blog posts!
I remember when you used to live on Kraft Dinner! I thought it was just because you prefered to wear your food money (buy clothes) than eat it – boy I was wrong!
Carmardon? I have NEVER heard of it. Now I have to look it up! I love to cook, but I hated it when I had a fulltime job and was “required” to. Now, it’s become a passion and a skill. But I still don’t like to be forced to do it because my husband can’t scramble an egg. I recently discovered he actually COULD cook an egg. Now I know the truth!
I once boiled brownies. All I needed to do was add egg and water to a box recipe, but I forgot half the ingredients. Fortunately, I married a Frenchman who loves cooking, so I clear out of the kitchen until the dinner bell rings.
If I were to list all the things in this post that made me laugh to the point of tears, my comment would end up being the same length as your post! I can cook, but I have no desire to be great at it or to spend the majority of my “free” time doing it – so this post dear Vikki is one I can completely relate to and whole-heartedly laugh at. Thank you!
So funny. I used to have fear of the oven ( I wrote about it) but eventually conquered my fear when I had my daughter. I understand though about how there is always that one missing ingredient…
Estelle
Thanks for some good chuckles. I’m a guy who can (and likes to) cook, but I can’t write humor. Keep doing what your good at.
So funny!
And YES on #4. Learned helplessness is my friend (sometimes hungry friend, but friend nonetheless).
I’m with you on number 8- those pinches, dashes, etc are not helpful! What if my fat fingers pinch too much? Then what?!
When I was younger I think I’d have been ok with instant/micro-waved stuff. But now at 55, I’m not sure I could do without some home cooking, at least now and again. However, I’d love to observe you in the kitchen; I imagine it’s hilarious!
“Cardamom” and yes, I use it, don’t hate. I’ve always loved to cook and bake, can’t help it. You are totes funny!
Fantastic,Vikki! I love your outlook on cooking. :-) One of the most horrible parts of my former life as a stepmother to three teenagers, mother to one toddler and wife of a man from a foreign country with odd dietary tastes was cooking for all of them. Good lawd, what a chore! And so little gratitude. I’ve been divorced for seven years now. And let me tell you my son and I do just fine without my slaving over the stove three times a day. Let cooking freedom ring! ~ Bobbi
So funny!! It really must be a sister thing because even though I can cook up a four course meal like most people tie their shoes, my sister could burn water. No joke. As a teen/young adult EVERYTHING she tried to make came out inedible! Luckily, since having children, she has improved some and while she still has to follow recipes to a ‘T’, and relies heavily on poptarts for breakfast (those must be a non-cook thing, too?? lol) she has managed to pull off feeding her children for the last few years, so she’s doing something right…and I’m sure you are, too!
By the way – I love Dominos…(and cheese in a can, shhh)
I love to cook and I love to eat, so does my husband. That said, #10 is still the best point for cooks and non cooks alike! Honestly I would rather have a mouth open eater over a can’t eat this or that and dieting guest!
Hysterical! I am with you 100% on this! I have a category on my blog called “I’d rather do anything but cook.” I’d add #11: You always have to stop doing something a lot more fun in order to get a meal on the table.
I love this! Especially the part about the progressive dinner! How do people get all of the sides and the main dish ready, hot and edible all at once??!! I can never manage this. Something is always too cold or overcooked!
Holy shit. I thought I liked to cook, and then I read this. My whole world is turned upside down. Thanks for the laugh, but you kind of ruined my life. Thankfully it was funny enough to be worth it.
You are amazing! Just signed up for email posts and cannot wait! Lots of old ones to read too – I’m in heaven!
Btw – when I discovered the “food” setting on my camera I realized the reason why none of mine EVER looks like the cookbook recipes! They use every trick in the camera to make their photos work!
Yes to all of this! And #6 – seriously when else am I gonna use Cream of TarTar? And what is that from? Is it a plant or something?? (gardening is another area I am pretty bad at too).
Hysterical. For years I told my friends I would not cook things that required more than three to five ingredients. And one year a friend found a cook-book called the Five-Ingredient Cookbook and gave it to me for Christmas. LOL. My guy does most of the cooking, thankfully. However, that means I get stuck with the pots. Sigh. And there are lots and lots of ’em. LOL
I love to cook, but generally baking is a disaster. One year when I was trying to make Christmas cookies, I forgot the eggs (cookies were in the oven). I made another batch and forgot the sugar (again cookies were in the oven). I was about ready to call the person hosting the cookie swap and say forget it, I can’t do this, when my husband took pity on me and made my cookies for me. After telling them what I did, I’ve never been invited to the swap again. Haha
I love how you take something ordinary that we all experience and all think and bring it to life with humor! You need to check out a book called A Man, A Can and a Plan. . It has bachelor’s recipes where all you do is open up cans of stuff and dump it all into a pot! Whallah! A casserole!
I can follow a recipe. I can just never find a recipe that I want to try. What the hell is Cheez in a Can?
Almost-vegan (yeah high maintenance eater to the max- a whole other post topic?) and have found it is easiest on me at least if I am always packin’ pb and j or meal bars when I travel or attend a wedding reception and it helps big-time if I can suck it up for a meal and have some of whatever my kind host has made.
** Who else wants to try boiling brownies like Pat? That is awesome!
Thank you for making me laugh so much! So glad I found your blog!