Stop the first 10 middle-age women you meet on the street and ask them to name their least favorite item to shop for and 8 of them will say “swimsuits.” Bikinis aside (since most boomers haven’t even tried one on since 1989), even one-piece suits have a way of outing your last dozen dieting failures and the 1,496 times you didn‘t get to the gym in the last decade. But in most cases, any onesie from Miraclewear or Spanx will have enough boob lift, butt coverage, and tummy flattening spandex to get you poolside with minimal damage to your self-esteem.
But jeans? That’s a different story altogether. Let’s start with the fact that jeans were originally designed for men. Yeah, those people with bodies that go straight up and down. Calves, thighs, hips, and waist, all the same diameter. (Yes, I know there are women who are built like that. All long legs and slim hips, with equally tiny waists. Just to be clear, I hate those women and we will never be friends. My therapist says I have issues. I’m thinking the fact that I have a therapist pretty much covers that.)
Anyway, for those of us built like women, jeans are a shopping nightmare. Most of us are a minimum of 2 different sizes, and that’s purely from the waist down. We need to factor in waist size, then our hip (butt) size, and leg length. My waist is an 8, my hips are a 10, and I’m short-legged. If the jeans fit in the waist, the hips feel like an over-tight Ace bandage, and if they fit in the hips, you could fit 3 friends in the waistband, and by the time I hem my “boot cut” jeans to fit, the boot cut portion is on the floor and they’re now “straight legged.” Needless to say, when I find a pair of jeans that fit, I wear them until they fall off.
And so with not-a-little trepidation, I found myself at Nordstrom, needing a new pair of jeans. I explained to the saleswoman the details of my predicament, and she smiled brightly, opening with “Of course we can help you. So, a size 6?” (Having been in retail for a thousand-plus years, I fully aware that you always suggest the next number down when guessing a woman’s size. Get that one wrong, and your commission just charged out the door in a huff, never to return.) “Actually, I’m an 8-10,” I replied. “Well, you look like a 6,” she chirped, “but let me see what we have in an 8.” Oh, she’s goooood.
Tiffany deposited me into the plush dressing room and returned shortly with more jeans than I’ve purchased collectively in my lifetime, handing them to me one at a time so I could try them on at my leisure “without getting overwhelmed” (read: depressed) in case nothing worked. Yep, Tiffy was a pro.
The first pair were a dark wash, low-rider style. Loved the dark color, but I’m built like a Dachshund. All waist and no legs. “Low rise” on my waist means below my butt-cleavage. I don’t even have to bend over to show it off. There it is, displayed in its 56-year-old glory for all the world to see (some things are just cosmically wrong). I’d be the laughingstock of the 20-something set. Next?
Over the door came the traditional nightmare that fit through the legs and thighs, but cut off the circulation in my hips and had my waist oozing over the top like an exploding Hot Pocket. These were promptly discarded for the next pair, which fit through the hips, but were huge in the waist and had baggy legs, making me look like an middle-aged Justin Bieber.
Then she tossed over a pair of soft blue denims with a textured, brocade-type swirl, “just for fun.” I felt like I was wearing Scarlett’s drapes from Gone with the Wind. Nope.
Next came skinny jeans (we could have stopped right there, but Tiffy insisted I try) that required some enthusiastic hopping and pulling to get up past my thighs and would only button if I laid flat on my back and exhaled (shades of my college days). Since I’m too old to get dressed on the floor, back over the door they sailed.
Our next option look pretty good, but had enough bling on the backside to work as a safety flashlight if my car broke down on a deserted street, and of all my body parts I don’t want to light up like a Las Vegas stripper, it would be that. Keep trying, Tif.
The next pair had a great leg fit (and thankfully, no bling), but the heavyweight fabric, doubled up for the zipper and front pockets, added unwanted and wildly redundant bulk on top of my belly, virtually eliminating anything but oversize tops, so now I look like a chunky bag lady. Yeah, no.
Just as I was ready to concede defeat, returning to my yoga pants and hitting the local Taqueria for a salty margarita and a good cry, Tiffy opened the door, ever-so-slightly, and handed me a soft pair of narrow legged, but higher-waisted jeans in a fabulous bright limey-yellow, rolled up at the cuffs (with a seriously cool rocker-style black-and-white tunic top). OMG. They were perfect. No butt-cleavage, fitted through the hips and thighs, curved in at the waist, and lightweight enough not to add bulk at the tummy. I bought two pair, and I’m never taking them off.
Happily tossing my shopping bag in the car, it occurred to me that fashion experts might frown on lemon-yellow capris in December, but I’m going for it.
Since beginning to blog as a fashion journalist three years ago I have tried on ALOT of jeans. I have to say the best fit and affordability is at Coldwater Creek. They are also about to come out with even more variety in their Fall 2013 line. But the fit is fabulous. I love a more polished dark denim and often wear these to work and some people do not even realize they are jeans. I highly recommend them and then the experience is not such a nightmare!!
I LOVE it…would probably roast in hell before I ever wore limey-yellow pants of any description, but on you they look fabulous! And I agree. I only know of one jeans company–an obscure Canadian company called Lois Jeans–that makes jeans that will fit me first time, every time. If they ever go out of business, God forbid, I’m screwed.
You are so funny! Love your descriptions of jean-buying hell. Buying shoes comes close…
Glad you found a rocking outfit that works!
Gosh, I can so relate! Buying jeans rates up there with buying a bathing suit on the trauma scale. And yes, those jeans do make my butt look big. I’m not in to the spandex or stretch; I much prefer 100 percent denim where it rough and tough and holds everything in. They’re hard to find. So I’ve been squeezing into my same pair for the last couple of years but they sure don’t fit the way they used to. LOL.
OMG!!! I was just saying to Hubby that need new jeans badly and you know that because we hate to shop for Jeans (bras too) that I waited till all my jeans will fall apart if washed again. I feel your pain!! I am usually too embarrassed to let anyone help me because nothing ever fits and I hate hanging my head in shame and walking out with nothing as usual. That’s great that you found something that you liked and that fit.
This had me rolling…You’ve nailed the nightmare of buying jeans. That Hot Pocket comparison almost made me spew my coffee.
I’ve taken to popping tags with Macklemore when it comes to jeans: they’re already broken in, and when I finally find a pair that actually fit my petite frame (except for the far-too-curvy heiny region, sigh), they don’t cost the equivalent of a car-payment. Which means I occasionally have a smidge of legal tender left over I can spend on new heels to wear with the jeans, since they’ll no doubt be dragging the floor if I don’t add in the necessary three or four inches…
Oh honey, I can tell you all about jean shopping hell!!! I have a huge butt and big thighs but my waist is small compared to the size of my hips/ass. Therefore jeans are always SO TIGHT around my butt but hang off of my waist. Therefore I look like I have a baby stuck under my lower stomach. I can’t win with jeans! Yoga pants FAH LIFe.
The Gap Vikki. THE GAP. :)
Buying jeans is honestly as bad as buying a bathing suit but you make it so funny, I don’t even care! :)-Ashley
I’m so happy for you! And as for December… Pair them with calf-length boots, and nobody will be the wiser.
Wow, isn’t life complicated for you ladies1
I love the way you write, it never fails to make me giggle.
I know we don’t live in the same state, but I think Tiffany works at my Nordstrom too. I DETEST shopping for jeans. Besides the fit issue in the waist, hips and belly, I am barely 5 foot 2 so half the leg is trailing on the floor when I put them on. But I wear jeans everyday in the fall and winter, so I have to suck it up and find me the perfect pair.
I hear ya..I dread shopping for jeans! When I find a pair that fits (usually the stretchy ones with a higher waist -reducing the muffin top!)– I stick with that brand forever. Thanks for the great post!
I haven’t worn jeans in years, much less tried them on. Since I work more from home now, I go for comfort over fashion, so jeans are pretty much out. You are hilarious in telling your story. Jeans that fit are so hard to find!
This post makes me sad. Not your writing, which is hilarious as always… BUT my all-time favorite pair of jeans just started ripping at the inner thigh seam (maybe those extra cookies were a bad idea) and I’m devastated! Funny story about these jeans though. A bought them at Costco! Yes, Costco! The store with NO dressing room. I saw them and they just called out to me do I bought them on a whim, sure that they would end up in a donate pile the next week (because it’s not like I’m EVER going to wait in the Costco never ending customer service line to return them). They fit perfectly though and it was love at first sight. Or first wear… But now… Sniffle sniffle…
(It may be worth the risk of the whole seam busting open just to get a few extra wears out I’d them. What do ya’ think??)
You’ve done it again! Love it. I have one pair of jeans that I love and wear them all the time. I hate when I have to wash them….and I don’t until absolutely necessary. I am so scared I will lose/rip/grow out of them!!!!
I need to get new jeans before the weather turns cold. Not looking forward to it AT ALL.
I hear you! I HATE jeans shopping. And is it just me but the dressing room mirrors suck. I really don’t care much for that 360 kinda view of my body anymore.
yellow is happy!
that paragraph about being a size 8 in the waist and a size 10 in the hips/butt – DITTO! I hate trying to find jeans, or pants, or shorts that fit properly! Maybe I need to go see Tiffany at Nordstrom too!
You totally nailed the shopping experience!!!! Loved this post!
I so miss the days of being a 15 year old girl with the body of a boy. I had NO issues with jeans back then. Then come the PMS binges, the kids and now menopause and yes, jeans are a dirty word. Thanks for the laugh!
Bathing suits are the worst but jeans aren’t easy either. I’m the same as you…when I find something that fits, I wear it till its done. I like the ones that have some stretch (much needed these days) and don’t show off my rear end. I don’t understand that whole low cut look. I really don’t want to see your thong.
Congratulations!!! I actually have a thing about jeans shopping. I don’t do it. I never find what I want when I need it. So I buy jeans randomly, when I feel in the mood to try on jeans, when there’s no pressure. Question: Did Tiffy have you try on any Jag jeans? They are awesome. I wear them and my mom wears them and our shapes (and ages, duh) are different but we both find them comfortable and flattering.
I’m so glad you found some! I was so worried I’d read through your post and then feel guilty for laughing so hard because you were still without jeans. I don’t know a single woman who doesn’t go through this. And I’m the same as you, when I find a pair that fits AND I like the way I look in them, I’m buying as many pairs as I can afford. Aaaaand possibly a pair that I can’t :)
You should’ve bought four! That’s me and jeans too, every word.
Bright limey-yellow? I want 10 please! I can so relate to this shopping experience. Only, I would be on the hunt for jeans that will NOT make me look like a man. Or any clothes that will not make me look like a man actually. ;)
I wear them til they fall apart too and they are falling apart
I will think of this out there in shopping hell.
Yellow? I may have to give it a try…
I hate buying jeans but I loved reading about you experience!! Thank you for always making me laugh!
I loved this line: once I find a pair that fits, I wear them until they fall off. Yes, and order three more exactly like them.
What woman WOULDN’T recognize this? I’m still laughing. Sort of. LOL
I had no idea of the troubles women go through for a pair of jeans. You certainly have my sympathies. Thank you for sharing your story of struggle.
And PS – I LOVE Nordstrom. I really wish we had one in Memphis. Sigh.
Great post…so funny and so true. I just went through the search for jeans with my 73 year old mom. She wanted a pair of higher waisted jeans (read: mom jeans) but she can’t find any. Finally ended up at Levis where she found the perfect pair, on sale at the outlet for $10. Of course she’s a size 2 – BITCH!
With so many comments, I almost changed my mind, but I simply can’t resist. I have the exact opposite jeans issue- small hips (not really small,but)compared to my waist, if I find a pair to fit my waist the tush is baggy before I even spend 5 minutes sitting in them.
It took me years, but finally found a brand that fit- Eddie Bauer, but then those bastards made all the legs narrower, and now they’re too tight over my calves. At least I have a few pair left while I regroup.
I agree, buying jeans is NOT fun. I like a high waisted cut that is stretchy-very stretchy!!!
Ugh…I hate shopping for jeans and bathing suits. So when I find jeans I like, I buy several…as for bathing suits, it’s not an annual thing. I’d rather have the suit than miss out on swimming, but I don’t want to scare young children. Thanks for the laugh.
Jeans are the worst. They get more wear and thus have further opportunity to frustrate. Swimsuits are the second worst.
I have yet to find a pair of jeans that aren’t mom-waisted and teen-sized through the thighs.
Maybe this is why I wear skirts and dresses and leggings….
Seriously, what is up with the new skinny-legged, parachute-waisted pubes popping out the top low-rise jeans? Argh! And at 4’11” I still have enough leg left over even in Petite length to roll a cuff…or sweep the floor behind me.
Loved your post – and can relate to the jeans trauma! See my blog post about Not Your Daughter’s Jeans brand, tho — seriously, these are the best jeans ever. (I don’t work for them or profit in any way — just love their jeans.)
http://thoughtstipsandtales.wordpress.com/tag/not-your-daughters-jeans/