My grandmother was a witch. Not as in “nasty old bat,” but as in “I can put a curse on you” type witch. Seriously, you did NOT want to piss this woman off. If you fell from her grace, she would put a “fie” on you, and bad things would begin to happen. The first few stories my mother used to tell me about Grandma and some poor, unfortunate soul stupid enough to give Grammy a hard time, I assumed were amusing coincidences. As the years went by, I saw a pattern emerge. Either Grammy really was a witch or she should start buying lottery tickets, because what this woman wanted to happen, happened. (Grammy had a lot of health problems, not the least of which she was quite overweight. One idiot pup of a doctor told her, in no uncertain terms, that she was fat and needed to lose weight. At her next appointment, the receptionist told us that he was no longer working there and they had no idea where he’d gone. Just sayin’.)
Whether she was or wasn’t, in fact, a witch with supernatural powers to right her wrongs, I was crazy about her and she felt the same about me. I spent a lot of time with her when I was a very young child, and I still remember her holding me and whispering, “Just remember. You’re JUST LIKE ME.”
I never told Kenny about Grandma in our early years together. “Hi. My Grandmother was a witch and liked to put fie’s on people” didn’t seem like promising dating material. Sort of like saying, “I can imitate any noise in the animal kingdom. Wanna hear?” or “I love to talk like a pirate and I answer every question with ‘Ay-ay, Matey!'” Those people tend to go on a LOT of first dates, but quickly learn that “I’ll call you” is date-speak for “Buh-bye.” I always thought I’d break the Grandma stories to him gently, AFTER he was too in love to run.
But early on in our marriage, Kenny concluded (for reasons I SWEAR I don’t know) that I possessed some sort of weird, cosmic witchy power to mess with people who pissed me off. Whenever anything would happen to someone he knew had offended me in some way, he’d say “Did you have anything to do with that?” (Fortunately this was rare, so I always laughed it off, but never denied it. Grammy always said it’s good to hold a card or two up your sleeve.)
Last night, he decided to commandeer the big living room TV for the entire night to watch some basketball games, which he knows I hate, essentially banishing me down the hall to the unfinished end of the house to watch my little office TV by myself on a Saturday night.
During the next several hours, he sliced his hand open while making his favorite weinie wraps, dropped and busted his brand new cell phone, accidentally locked his beloved Chihuahua in the master bedroom, forcing her to pee on the carpet, and finally shattered a full glass of red wine all over the kitchen floor, showering glass shards and wine sprays everywhere. By the 3rd quarter, he came barreling into my little office, “Okay, I GIVE UP! We can watch Grey’s Anatomy! Just TAKE OFF THE CURSE.”
I just smiled sweetly and told him to finish the game, because that’s the kind of good witch I am.
Clearly you harness your power for ‘good’ ;)
I don’t want to get on your bad side. :D
Love it and so wish I had those powers (especially during football season!!).
We should talk about this one when we meet on the 20th!
I just wanted to make absolutely sure that you know this: I never said anything bad about you at any point and I quite enjoy it here. I have absolutely nothing negative to say. Please don’t hurt me!
I’ll never cross you that’s for sure.
Ooooh I’d like some of those witchy powers sometimes…
My kids used to think I had a sixth sense, just because I lived my life by this motto: ” what goes around, comes around”. As you know from your grandmother it works every single time.
Now THAT is the kind of grandma I want to be! My girls did, throughout their childhood (teen years, especially), think I had magical powers because I continually busted them doing things they were NOT supposed to be doing. No magical powers, just well-trained deductive powers. Maybe I can be Grandma Sherlock instead of Grandma Glinda, especially since you’re already Glinda (and might go a little all Gingema on me if I try to claim it).
I love this post! I know these powers. I have just incanted a petite sieste for you. Get ready for good things!
Great post. I also have relatives who claim to have the “power.” They always get nice presents from us… doesn’t matter what occasion.
Haaaaahahahahaaahahaha. I needed you when Charlie was around and refused to come see me perform. I would have felt better if the power had gone out at our house while I was performing and he couldn’t watch Gunsmoke reruns…
Haaa! Love it! When my ex inherited a huge sum of money and opted to refuse to pay me what he owed me I pointed my finger at him and quietly hissed “I curse your money, no good will ever come of it”. Clearly I have no objections to being a “bad witch” when it’s called for. Two years later he is dead broke and selling off his life. Just saying. Not sure how this stuff happens, maybe its Karma or maybe … just maybe … well, you know. So enjoyed the read!
This? IS AWESOME!!! I love that your grandmother would whisper that you were just like her. That’s so sweet!
I’m glad that we’re on your good side! Wait…we are on your good side, RIGHT? *gulp* -The Dose Girls
I can really relate to this. Only I’m the wicked witch of the west. LOL yap my mother told me my Grandmother was a witch. An also sickly. Here’s where it changed for me. She didn’t like me I looked like those little Italian kids that smelled like garlic. So I always thought I was Italian. Well I’m not but I am a lot Indian. But a doctor told her mother that my Grandmother was born a witch from birth. An they say I am too. What’s funny is on my wedding day my Grandfather gave me her engagement ring. I can still see her rolling over in her grave. Well sence then I have never had a good marriage an there’s been 5. Yap 5. I don’t where the ring any more then my mother passed I then got my Grandmothers diamond earings so she rolled some more. But I don’t wear them any more either. And life gotten better. Some. I need to get them all blessed. :) but I am going to piss her off again someday. When I die they go to Scarlett who yes looks just like me. And I will get to see her first hand rolling.
I love this! Sometimes being witchy has it’s advantages.
Remind me to never mess with you.
This is awesomeness! I’ve had a few dreams about the future and occasionally “see” a person before I run into them, but nothing like that.
Wow, that just gave me a flashback to college. One of my friends had a little porcelain doll safety-pinned to her lamp shade for some reason. I can’t remember now why she had actually stuck him there, but I remember pointing out that it was kinda creepy as it was missing a hand and looked like a voodoo doll. Don’t you know, that night her roommate reached up on a shelf in the cafeteria kitchen and sliced her hand open and had to get stitches then my roommate’s boyfriend got his hand slammed in our bathroom door. There were a few other hand injuries I can’t remember now. She got so freaked out, she burned the doll LOL.
LOL! Your poor hubby! And your site looks fAHbulous, DAH-ling!
But the real question is, do you have a wand and a matching pair of fabulous shoes? Every good witch needs those. And your blog’s facelift looks great!
Um, were you trying to destroy things b/c he made you made or is it like you’re mad & you can’t really control what bad things are going to happen?
I love this. I think i may be one in a long line of witchy women of power and insight. Apparently it is not uncommon in French Canadian women. I try to use my powers for good rather than evil, but my husband hides when he leaves the toilet seat up.
As a witch myself, I’ve had similar experiences! There is such a thing as a natural witch, one who inherits her powers, which have usually been passed down through the generations.
The last time something like this happened was when my landlord threatened to evict us. Shortly thereafter, her dog was stolen, and her son ended up back in rehab for opiate use. Then her mother died.
Just sayin… :D
haha! awesome! awesome! awesome!
I am so jealous.
Dang girl! I want those powers when my husband’s zombie show is on. Or the 12th hour of History Channel…”Hitler’s Favorite Snacks”.
Your grandmother sounds like she was a great woman and this is a great story. Although, if I recall, perhaps breaking the phone might have been something your husband didn’t mind happening? :)
Ooh…I wish I had your powers!!!!
Haha! I love that post! Can you share some your tricks please? I’ve got someone who could do with some bad luck. (Eeek… did I actually just say that?!) Pleased to have found you via the I Don’t Like Mondays bloghop. :) x
So I ‘m reading and reading and loving the post. Then I got to the end about your husband and busted out laughing! That is so awesome. I let my son believe that when he does bad things and something bad happens right after, that is some mysterious power of balance. It’s a good thing. Some people need a shove to learn right from wrong, just saying.
Hilarious! I’m sure his lesson is learned. If only I had that power:)
Can you come to my house, PLEASE! Use your power for good and help another wife out. How is it that they not only commandeer the ‘good’ TV they then fall asleep with the remote in their hand?
Sounds like you’ve got everything under control in your house…fun story!
Embrace your power, girl!!!
Love this post. Now that we’re friends, do you think you can cast a spell on me that will make me thin? Or one of those people who can’t eat a thing when they’re stressed out? Or better yet, one of those freaks that just forget to eat?
Remind me to stay on your good side!!! Funny stuff today, Vicki! Thanks for the giggles.
I had no idea we were related. I knew I liked you!!!
Yikes, look—-> Don is leaving a NICE comment!! Lol. My wife has some sort of nasty thing where when she say something, it happens. Like we were watching tv in a storm once and she said, “should we turn the tv off so it doesn’t get shorted out?” I never heard of such nonsense, but not a minute later, a bolt of lightning or something struck whatever and our tv was shot to hell on the spot. Little things like that. Anyway, you good witches are alright with me, as long as it’s not baseball season.
hahaha that’s hysterical! I totally need to convince my hubs I have this power. *squints eyes* Yes. I will do this.
Thanks for the laugh this morning! I can just imagine your husband throwing up his hands after the final straw that broke the camel’s back!
“Abracadabra” in Ancient Aramaic means “I create what I speak”. You are most definitely magical my friend!
I need to get a little of that Fie mojo around here, ’cause I’m so sick of CNN on all day and night, when I just want to get a little bit of my Girls/Downton Abbey/Sons of Anarchy fix on the big screen TV in the family room. You always make me laugh!
Can you bottle that? I have heard rumors of a witch in our family and I have a pretty uncanny ability to “feel” things that are going to happen but I need a little of what you’ve got goin’ on!