As Valentine’s Day looms closer, retailers are blanketing the shopping universe with cut-out hearts and chalky sugar treats emblazoned with “Be My Baby,” designed to get us opening our wallets to share romantic, gift-laden evenings with our special someone. Valentine’s Day is the great romantic do-over for those who dropped the ball at Christmas, sending couples scrambling to find the elusive perfect gift for Baby Cakes.
Valentine’s Day gifts can be silly and sentimental, or they can show up as white limo rides with a dozen red roses, a la The Bachelor. Whatever the actual gift might be, a little music can help set the mood. Whether it’s used as background while exchanging coy I-love-you-No-I-love-you-more smiles over dinner for two, or as a dance to “our song,” the music you choose can make or break the evening.
To help you narrow your search, I’m offering a list of what NOT to choose for your special Valentine’s Day playlist. In no particular order of horribleness:
1. Don’t Know Much About History (Sam Cooke). “Don’t know much about history, don’t know much about biology.” Repeat for science, French, geography, trigonometry, algebra, and the ubiquitous slide rule, and you get the idea. “But if I could be with you, what a wonderful world it would be.” Seriously, dude?? You just admitted to being on the wrong side of the Stupid bell curve, and yet somehow you think we’re going to hook up and have a fab life together? Here’s a thought. Get your GED, get a job, and lose my number.
2. Better Dig Two (Band Perry). “I told you on the day we wed, I was gonna love you til I’s dead. If the ties that bind ever do come loose, if ‘forever’ ever ends for you, read me my last rites. And let my stone say, Here lies a girl whose only crutch was loving one man a little too much. If you go before I do, gonna tell the gravedigger he better dig two.” Wow. A hundred years of mothers teaching daughters independence and dignity just got completely obliterated by one song.
3. Marry You (Bruno Mars). “It’s a beautiful night. We’re looking for something dumb to do. Hey Baby, I think I want to marry you. Who cares if we’re trashed, got a pocket full of cash. If we wake up and you wanna break up, that’s cool. It was fun, girl.” Worst proposal ever. And who needs a pre-nup when you’ve got a 24-hr annulment clause in your back pocket?
4. Into the Night (Benny Mardones). “She’s just 16 years old…” That also makes her illegal in pretty much all 50 states. Go find a grown-up, Bens.
5. Ticks (Brad Paisley). “You press that bottle to your lips, and I wish I was your beer. The only thing allowed to crawl over you is me. You know every guy here would like to take you home, but I’ve got more class than that. I’d like to check you for ticks.” Everything people don’t like about country music, all in one song. Go Brad.
6. You Lie (The Band Perry). “You lie like a priceless Persian rug on a rich man’s floor. You lie like a coon dog basked in the sunshine on my porch. You lie like a penny in the parking lot.” What do these even mean?? Possibly the worst analogies in song-writing history.
7. Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad (Meat Loaf). “I want you, I need you, but there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you. Now don’t be sad, cuz two out of three ain’t bad” followed by an entire verse lamenting the one that got away, but who he never got over. Well, gee, Mr. Loaf. While I appreciate your only slightly arrogant offer, and the assumption that I’d be grateful for 2/3 of your awesomeness, I think I’d rather date your ex-girlfriend.
8. Having My Baby (Paul Anka). “Having my baby, what a lovely way of saying how much you love me.” Yeah, because this really is all about you, Paul. Then it gets tacky, “Didn’t have to keep it. You could’ve swept it from your life but you wouldn’t do it.” Show of hands to anyone who doesn’t know what Pauly is referring to. How much bad taste can one song encompass?
9. Every Breath You Take (Sting). “Every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break“…(insert more of the same)…”I’ll be watching you.” Then you’ll be watching me take out a restraining order on your stalker ass.
10. Why Don’t We Get Drunk (Jimmy Buffett). Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. What happened?? “I just bought a water bed. It’s filled up for me and you. Yeah, now baby, why don’t we get drunk and screw?” I’m trying to imagine the target that this line would work on, and I can only assume she’s a wide-eyed band groupie who thinks “banging” is a proper synonym for sex. Leave the 20-somethings alone, Jimmy, and have another margarita.
11. You Remind Me of Something (R Kelly). And just when you thought all the bad lyrics were taken. “You remind me of my jeep, I wanna ride it. Something like my sound, I wanna pump it. You look just like my cars, I wanna wax it. And something like my bank account, I wanna spend it.” So you’re saying you want to ride me, pump me, wax me, and spend me. Uh, okay. Should I shave my legs first?
And my all-time favorite…
12. This Girl is a Woman Now (Gary Puckett). “This girl walked in dreams… This girl was a child… Then one night her world was changed” (insert sex with Mr. Puckett) “and she will never be the same again. This girl is a woman now. She’s found out what it’s all about, and she’s learning to live.” Well, Mr. Puckett, those must be some damn fine lovemaking skills you’ve got. You took a girl and made a woman out of her. I’ll bet her Daddy is just tickled pink. He was just spotted reloading at the local gun shop. You might want to move along now to a different house. Or a different state.
Happy Valentine’s Day. Now let’s cuddle up and have a slow dance.
But I Loooovvve # 1 and #12!!!
I remember the first time I heard #12 and thought, “Wait. I think he’s talking about sex. Is he? He is! He’s talking about sex!” And then I wondered who else knew.
Looks like those big name artists should take a stroll on the Midlife Boulevard to learn how write better lines.
Nothing’s funnier than the truth and everything you said about these songs is so very true and so very funny! How on earth is being checked for ticks romantic? I’ve always laughed at that one – and now every time I hear the other songs on this list, I’ll be laughing at them, too! :D
LMAO awesome~~!!!
I hate that Sting song with a burning passion.
I have a long love affair with Ole Blue Eyes (Sinatra), but when ever I am asked about my favorite love song, my first thought is always “At Last”, by Etta James. Of course it helps that yes, at last, my love has come along. Been a long time comin’!
Gah! I agree, I agree, I agree. Especially on #12. That song has always worried me, even more so after I started working as a counsellor to young women who’d been sexually abused. I know, it’s just a song. A song that advocates turning a young girl into a woman. Not cool, dude.
I think men need women to help write their love songs. Clueless! LOL
LOL, good take. But I especially love the Justin Beiber comparison. Hasn’t he been deported yet?
This is such a great list!! When I was little I remember hearing Your Having my Baby and never thought much about it till I was older and heard the lyrics!! Same goes for Gary Pucket! Thanks for a well needed laugh!
LOL #9 yeah. I always thought that song was kind of “stalkerish”. And talking about Meatloaf, we might want to add “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”! And you want examples of bad love lyrics? How about this:
“Your eyes are burning up my skin
And I’m so happy when I see
That you are smiling back at me
You’re leaving burn marks on the ground
Thank you God for what I’ve found
I don’t know how, I don’t know why
But you’re my angel in the night”
To be fair, English IS his second language… lol
Laughing here! You just ruined some of my favorite songs! But it sure made me laugh
I’d agree with your list except for 1 and 9. But you made me laugh as you always do.
I have no words for how much I hate “Marry You” and at the same time, it feels a little like not liking a puppy or a little kid because it’s so effing happy.
You made some of these up, right? Ticks? Seriously?
Thanks for a good (make that great)laugh, but I still like “Don’t know Much.” Loved the way it was used in “Witness.”
And this is why I don’t listen to the lyrics. I do like to cuddle though.
Too funny. I like when I can’t understand the words so make up my own, they are really better than many of these!
That last song has always creeped me out. True, lyrics today are pretty bad, but that song takes the prize for the most pedophile-like.
I’m laughing my sleepy arse over here. ESPECIALLY at that two graves song. When I first heard that…. mind blown. REALLY?!?!
Yes..truly horrible. I’d like to add ‘Escape’ aka the pina coloda song. :::shudder:::
I can’t believe anyone would ever have sex with Meatloaf. Just typing his name makes me shudder…
Love, Love Love it!
I LOVE this! You’re so funny. Every Breath You Take made me laugh out loud. Thanks! –Vicki
hahahaha! You are so right! The words to these song are AWFUL! If they didn’t have a catchy tune none of us would have ever listened to them even once…okay, some of them I wouldn’t even listen all the way through… Thanks for a good Valentine Laugh!
I’ll add “Hello” by Lionel Richie and I have no disagreement with the rest of your awesome list, Vicki! :)
I love #1, but then again, my favorite genre is anything cheesy. I agree with the Sting song, though. It always creeps me out a little bit when I hear it!
Hahaha – Recognize most of these and agree with some. Popping off to go listen to them
Oh, LL this is priceless! Absolutely priceless! Now I have laugh lines! :)
Oh my gosh – I was laughing aloud reading this!!!!!! Now those earworms are stuck in my head!!
‘You lie like a penny in a parking lot’? Waiting to be found like a hapless Disney princess or rusty and covered in used gum?