The first time I heard someone say “Put on your big girl panties and deal with it,” I burst out laughing and spit my wine across my computer keyboard. My mind had an instant visual of a middle-aged woman sword fighting in nothing but her underwear. My brain goes places others’ don’t.
I decided then and there to start up a “Big Girl Panties Society,” created to celebrate midlife women warriors.
We’ve been through our 20s, when anything was possible. We wanted it all, and we wanted it all at the same time. And we believed we could have it.
Through our 30s, we were focused on career climbing, finding potential soul mates, raising future world leaders, and struggling to make mortgage payments for houses we couldn’t afford.
By 40, we began to come to terms with who we were and what drove us or made us happy. And we began weeding out what didn’t. Many of us were on our second marriages and bearing the battle scars of divorce.
Now we’re 50-something and a bit like the Velveteen Rabbit. He’s a little worn, an ear lopped off, a button or two missing, and seams no longer straight, but a better bunny for his journey. We’re independent, irreverent, opinionated, and fiercely loyal to those we love. We diet if we choose to, but cheat with no apologies. Exercise activities are selected as much for their fun factor as for their ability to give us firm thighs. We’ve discovered that spoiling our grandchildren is easier than raising our kids. We’ve traded stupid stilettos for fabulous flats, and we’re still hot. Sex is better than ever because we’ve learned what we want and we ask for it. We’re happiest when we’re surrounded by friends, sharing a great bottle of wine and laughing ’til our faces hurt.
If you’re a woman warrior, you’re in. But like any club, there are a few rules for membership.
1. You should have experienced some level of menopause. This gives you street cred when the group conversation inevitably turns to how to deal with night sweats and fatigue. We lose patience with 30-year-old Beach Barbies claiming they’ll never take drugs for menopause symptoms because it’s a natural process. It makes us want to smack you and make notes to remind your future estrogen-popping self what a bad-ass you were at 30.
2. You should have a rudimentary knowledge of music from the 70s-80s. At least enough to know that Kanye didn’t “discover” Paul McCartney. How else will you be able to join our nostalgic, wine-induced, group karaoke during girls’ night out?
3. We request that all cell phones be turned off or put on vibrate during group meetings. This includes luncheons, spa days, wine tastings, book club gatherings, in-home retail parties, and shopping excursions. This is our time.
4. You must not use the word “like” more than once in any single sentence.
5. No comments or quips shall be made about the group’s 10 p.m. curfew. If you want to stay and boogie-oogie-oogie (and you should know what that means) until last call, slip quietly into the women’s bathroom until we’ve all gone home.
6. You must be a grandma, be pushing your offspring to make you a grandma, or at least have a grandma in your immediate peer group. This helps us establish that you share the same historical time frame as the rest of the group. And if your boobs haven’t yet fallen off their perch and migrated to your waistline, you have an unfair advantage when it comes time for our coveted, annual summer “Best Boob-Belt” award.
7. You cannot be offended by swearing. We’ve earned it.
8. At any group gathering that involves food, there will be no mention of weight, calories, or diets. We’re 60. We get to eat.
9. There must be at least one current fashion trend in your closet that you’re wearing the second time around.
10. You should be able to recognize at least two elevator songs as those you dated to in your 20s. Extra points are given if you have the original songs on your iPod.
11. You must be willing to view dozens of photos of grandchildren, while listening to lengthy, detailed examples proving unequivocally that the tiny tot is obviously gifted (he can already count to 3!). Requests for references on little Henry’s pre-application into John’s Hopkins, Class of 2032, must be honored.
12. You must agree to share names and contact information, if asked, about where you got those fabulous boots, who cuts your hair, or who does your Botox.
13. No whining. The purpose of our group is to provide support and encouragement to each other. While we’re always willing to lend a shoulder and some advice (if you ask), your repeated, prolonged wailing about circumstances you have no intentions of changing will be respectfully removed from the agenda.
14. What is said among the group, stays in the group. We’re not in high school. Tattling or rumor-spreading about any other member will get your ass summarily booted out the door.
15. You must be able to laugh at yourself. Various body parts have shifted downward like underground fault lines. Hair has stopped growing on our heads, but is now sprouting on our chins. Thighs jiggle when we’re standing still. We gain weight on two Cheerios and a Diet Coke. We wear “age-appropriate” clothing. We have to record any show we want to watch that comes on after 10 p.m. We love sex, but we’re usually too tired to have it. If you don’t see anything funny about this, we’re probably not the group for you.
I suspect that there are lots of women warriors out there. Let’s find each other and celebrate. We’re fabulous.
As I have experienced all of the above I qualify as top dog in the big girl panties club but I really hate being a leader & barking out orders to anyone! We all grow old gracefully at different rates even if we are close in age or not! I love the age I am BUT oh to do some do-overs would make my day!!
I know what you mean, Cheryl! How about you take the vice-president’s chair? :)
Sign me up! I wonder, though, if my lack of enthusiasm for #11 (could there be a lower limit on number of photos, perhaps?) could be offset by my propensity for #7 and whole-hearted embrace of #15?
You’re in, Roxanne! But I don’t know how to tell a group of proud grandmas that we’ve put a cap on adorable pictures of their downline. I could show you 100 or so of mine! :)
I still qualify if I went Sans Knickers years ago? And I have my sisters Grandkids on my cell phone. You should join us 73’ers on our Babes at the Beach trip some time!
Cate, You’re SO in! Babes at the Beach sounds like a blast! :)
Where do I sign up?
Karen, you just did! :)
Oh, I’m SO in!!! I have lots of new pictures to share, 70s music galore on my iPod … and even brand new big girl panties bought for my trip a few weeks ago to see the Grand and take those pictures. Where will ‘Big Girls’ meet, dear Vikki, and when? :D As always, your ideas ROCK – as do you, Madame President!
Marcia, I’m still working out the details! It may have to be a cyberspace meeting, since our fabulousness is all over the country! :)
Thank you, darlin’! Count me in! One membership I’ve paid my dues to, in spades.
You’re in, Carol! Absolutely are no fees. We’ve already paid them. Now it’s time to celebrate! :)
Ha! I agree with all of these! I printed off the post from last week and gave it to my husband. He calls it his marriage bible and has referred to it several times before opening his mouth!
Thanks, Rena! I love that you put my post on your fridge. Made my whole day! :)
I’m way overqualified for the BGPS! Ready to take the oath or whatever. Sign me up!
Of course, Risa! Maybe we need a secret handshake? :)
Can their be a men’s auxiliary? This sounds like a group I would like. :)
Bob, in the interest of gender equality, come on over with us! We’ve always got room for more sass! :)
As I read down the list, I got more and more excited. I am so IN!!
You see what a little perspective shift can do? If this list wasn’t about membership to an exclusive, awesome group of women and was, instead, the standard list of things to expect after 50, I wouldn’t have been nearly as excited.
It would have been okay. I would have nodded and smiled.
But this way … I QUALIFY! Yay!!
Where do I sign up?
You crack me up! Anyone who makes me laugh out loud is automatically a member! :)
Someday…. someday I will be this cool.
Aussa, by that time, you will have redefined it to uber-cool and everyone will be following your lead! :)
Count me in, you had me the minute you talked about big girl panties……and sex!
Walker, I just spit out my Diet Coke when I burst out laughing at “big girl panties” and “sex” being used in the same sentence. Yes, I know. My brain goes places others’ don’t. :)
I want to join. I fulfill all criteria.I am ready for the secret handshake!
Haralee, you’re in! I’m working on the handshake. It has to be FABULOUS! :)
So I’m in mid 40’s so I can’t appreciate all of your post from my own experience, but at my age I can recognize that I will appreciate it as time goes on. Loved it!
Thanks, Robyn! We’ll hold a spot for you! :)
Me! Me! While I’m not a grandma yet, I love flats, being in bed by 10 and laugh all the time!
Jennifer, You’re IN! :)
Sign me up! Thank you, as always, Vikki, for being real!
Thanks, Beverly. We have a spot with your name on it! :)
Right on with #2! What the actual heck?! And #4 – LOL I’m in! Bringing wine and my potty mouth. ;)
Linda, we were counting on it! :)
You are fabulous! Loved this and I am happy to say I meet the criteria (though not a Grandma yet…have friends who are and am looking forward to the day). Big hug for all of your cheerful posts. Hugs!
Thanks, Lisa! I’m quite the fan of your blog too! You’re a “grandma-in-waiting.” :) You’re going to LOVE it!
Don’t know what I’d do without your blog. It’s my one absolute guarantee of a weekly laugh.
Oh boy, do I ever qualify! I’m not a grandma yet, but I married off my first daughter 2 weeks ago and she said they’re not waiting, so hold my place!
Ryma, thank you! I love my readers. You all make ME laugh all the time! And we’re holding a spot for you in the Big Girl Panties Society! :)
You had me at the weight gain with “Two cheerios and a Diet Coke.” Well actually to be honest you had me a hell of a lot earlier. The menopausal symptoms snagged my attention. If only they’d be pausal every now and then, am I right?
SO – I’m jumping up and down here. Can you see me? I may be 5 foot 2 (well Ok maybe I’m 5 /1 and a bit …) but I promise not to squawk after 10:00, my pals call me “the vault” because of my ability not to tell and I am all about the laughing at myself. In fact I do little else.
Should I be accepted into this splendid group I promise to bring binders of photos of my sister’s grandchild. He’s the cutest one-year-old. Ever.
Kelly, you are SO in! And I can’t wait to compare grandbaby photos! :)
Vikki-I was raised in south philly and an only child I have had my big girl panties on a lonnnnng time lol count me in.
Welcome to the club, Linda!! :)
Sign me up. Been there done most of it and even got the T shirt!!!!
Of course, Moe! We’ll save you a seat at our first official meeting! :)
You had me at “woman warrior!” Just discovered your blog and like your style. Please visit me at asquareofchocolate.com. Looking forward to more of your blog posts.
Thanks, Laurie! Love seeing you on Laugh Lines. And checked out your blog. I’ll be back! :)
Woo hoo!! I know I’ve got some big girl panties around here some place. My short term memory is completely shot. Panties or no panties, I still want to join. Can I pleezzz?
Msjay, there’s something to be said for the “no panties” approach to life! Welcome to the club! :)
I want to be a member. Definitely meet all qualifications
I assume this means no thong wearers allowed???
I’m in! I meet ALL of the criteria! A fun group for sure!
I’m 45 but a grandma twice and totally menopausal, also I’m wearing my big girl panties as I type, so do I qualify?
I need to be a member of a team a group something important…..this sounds like just what I need. I have two son’s of the adult size, 7 grandchildren +2 and a great grandchild. I would love to be in their lives more but we haven’t been together much. I have watched them grow up through Facebook and photos. That is okay! I still feel 17 until I get to the bathroom mirror each morning and then I wonder why time travel took me to the future so quickly.
Oh gosh gals–you all have just begun in this fabulous society. Wait another 20 years of laughing at yourself, wine drinking, telling like it is–enjoying all the quirks that come with aging gracefully (or sometimes, not so gracefully) then perhaps those Big girl panties will fit just right.