Recently I had a lively discussion with a girlfriend about our pregnancies (20+ years ago). She reminisced dreamily about the “new life growing inside of her” and how she’ll always remember how protective and maternal she felt while she and Hubs, who constantly assured her she never looked more beautiful, would sit for hours rubbing her swollen belly and cooing baby-talk to the unborn but obviously most amazing child ever created.
My pregnancy sucked. I gained roughly the body weight of an entire 6th grader, I had teenage acne at 33, everything but brownies made me puke, and I waddled like an overstuffed Christmas goose. I did not “glow,” and Hubs never once told me I looked beautiful (which was fair, because I was fat, not stupid, and I would’ve known he was lying, instantly vaporizing all future credibility about how I looked at any given moment).
Suffice it to say that my fantasy of pregnancy didn’t pass The Reality Test. Which got me to thinking how many things are better left to our imaginations. The “Great Ideas” that don’t always play out exactly the way we pictured it in our heads. Here are my Top 10:
1. Big dogs. Big dogs have power, presence, and through-the-roof cool factor. Big dogs also shed the equivalent of a small goat pretty much daily and love to sleep in the people bed, banishing you to the outer edges of the mattress, inhaling dog hair with every breath. Their poops are the size of small cats and can cause nasty, prolonged neighbor wars if Fido decides the grass is greener across the street. Unsupervised, they’ll polish off the entire Christmas ham while you’re pouring the wine, and the vet bills could send your firstborn to Yale for a year.
2. Stilettos. Mutually agreed by both sexes to make the female leg look longer and sexier. For the uninitiated, they can also cause unsexy and embarrassing face plants, ankle sprains, and heels snapped off in street grates.
3. Being broke and in love. I heard a couple sigh and wistfully remember “the good old days” when they were first married and ate cold pizza every night while sitting on the floor because they were so broke, and wasn’t it wonderful? Horse hooey. Being broke is neither romantic nor fun. Ask any broke person. It sucks. Missing the intensity and wonder of new love? Understandable. Missing not being able to pay your bills? Yeah, no.
4. Jogging. Whenever I see sneaker ads for fabulously fit women jogging down a gorgeous, tree-lined path, I develop a sudden urge to lace up and hit the pavement. Then I remember that she is a 22-year-old model, with all her body parts firmly in place, while I’m a 57-year-old grandmother, whose jogging reality includes underarms flapping like undies on a clothes line, ass bouncing like my boobs used to before gravity made them flying beagle ears, and thighs are counting my steps by slamming together with each stride. No. Just no.
5. Expensive new cars. It’s beautiful, it smells good, the seats are heated, and the dashboard is lit up like a 747. And it’s only $450 a month. You could do it. But in 6 months, the back seat will be the world’s largest Crayola box with enough spilled Goldfish to feed your kids for 2 days, your Great Dane will have chosen the passenger seat to hawk up the family gerbil, and the trunk will be a laundry basket for muddy soccer uniforms for kids you don’t even know. And you’ll still be paying $450 a month.
6. FSBO. “For Sale By Owner.” How hard can it be? Why pay a realtor $30,000 to just to walk some strangers through your master bedroom? Stick a sign out in the yard and sell it yourself. Yes, this has worked for some people. We got a steady stream of lookie-loos (“Oh, I’ve always wanted to see the inside of this house!” Now you have. Get out), unqualified buyers (“Gee, we’ve always wanted a house like this, but we can’t afford it yet.” Then why are you here??), entire families (with dogs and kids) with ridiculous offers that could only presume we must be in foreclosure (we weren’t).
7. Camping. Tried it. Hated it. Strap two day’s worth of living gear onto your back, hike into the woods, ignoring the bugs and avoiding the poison oak, sleep on the ground, eat dinner off a stick, and bathe in freezing cold water. I know our ancestors used to do this all the time. Then they invented hotels.
8. Sex every night. Great when you’re young, newly in love, and living on adrenaline. Years later, sleep becomes a more precious commodity than sex. Occasional, but still great, sex keeps the marriage tingling, while “Get off me” (uttered by either party) quickly assures the required eight hours of sleep that will get us through the next work day.
9. Total honesty. I’m not advocating lying. But as we get older, we learn that total, unqualified honesty can tank a relationship faster than you can say “Yes, in fact, I am attracted to your sister.” If I ask, “Do you like my new haircut?” (noting I can’t glue it back on if you say “Not particularly”), a simple “Yes” is appropriate. And the timeless classic “Do these jeans make my butt look fat?” is ALWAYS answered with “That’s not possible.” Sometimes you just need to tell me what I want to hear.
10. Winning the lottery. We’ve all thought about it. And maybe winning a cool million would be fabulous. But who the hell needs $420 million?? Your life would never be your own, and anyone you don’t share it with now hates you. Except the tax man. He loves you. Forever. There’s got to be an better way.
Some fantasies are great realities. Others become epic fails, but make great stories around the dinner table for our kids. In the meantime, do these jeans make my butt look fat?
As always you gave me a great laugh!! Yes, some things sound better than they actually are. And, I could not agree more, all husbands should learn to say, of course not to any question that begins with, Do I look fat, do these make my but look big, ect. Thanks again for the laugh!
Agree! We are sometimes better off…just thinking!!
Loved these and #3 especially! When I was a kid I romanticized that idea to the hilt and when it happened I was like…Uh…no.
Hilarious but will still take big dogs any day! Am laughing so hard at that photo!
Fun!
I’m allergic to dogs and I still have the big dogs fantasy. Fortunately, the one time I came very close to implementing it, I had an allergy reaction to petting a Newfoundland that lasted for a week. Brought me back to my senses.
So true!
So true, especially the jogging one. Whenever I see a commercial for running shoes I think I really have to get out their and do come jogging. Then I get out there and realize jogging really sucks.
Oh Boy – I could add a whole list here. I had 4 kids – still waiting for my hubby to tell me I looked beautiful or was glowing. But yes, like you I would have known he was lying anyway. But it’s the thought that counts. Sigh….
Oh how I enjoyed the Monday morning reality check – keeping it real. We have learned to be that way by this age, I hope. And my mother always told us to keep a sense of humor – it gets you through so much in life. I didn’t know at the time she was probably referring to aging.
One other thing I might add to your list would be “Having a garage sale is fun, will help us get rid of some clutter and we will make lots of money.” No, no and no.
I agree that a lottery winning of $420 million would come with a whole set of problems but what about a tiny little $1 million winning? I wouldn’t mind that.
You captured many on my list. I am sure I will spend the next week discovering my own list!
Jogging and camping. LOVE these descriptions :D
funny and true, all of it.
Funny list (except I still love to run!!!).
Loved this! Especially the flapping beagle ears. I was all set to say something appreciative about another one of the items on your list, but I got distracted by your Golden Sideboob Award. I don’t know what it’s for, but heck, I’m impressed!
HAHAHAH…these are awesome…
And I’d still take the 420M.
Number 4 was my favorite!!!!
Soooo with you on #4 ~ I need a destination!!
A great list. I Have said #10 before and people have looked at me like I lack imagination! Glad to hear another realistic thinker.
Laughing out loud. Especially about being pregnant and stilettos but I disagree about the lottery. I KNOW I’d have fun with all that $$.
Love this list! I fell for the Big Dog one and the hair, it doesn’t matter how often I sweep there is always hair!
Also, although I agree with you on #10 I wouldn’t mind testing the theory, just to be really sure.
Only one you will catch me with off this list is camping. And even I had to concede this summer that I needed to bring the air mattress.
Damn, aside from #2 and #3, I am living it or wishing for it (especially #10, seriously). Hilarious!!
Hysterical! #4! I used to be a jogger, back when the “girls” were a bit firmer. The risk of black eyes is just too great anymore!
The big dog is so true. And total honesty and sex every night (or on the beach!). This is all so so so true, I’m still laughing!
I almost spit out my water on number 4
This is the best thing I’ve read in a while! Love your sense of humor!
AM in TOTAL agreement with all of the above, except, the Lotto. You can never be too rich or too thin. Oops- I’m still working on #9. XXOO
Found your blog on Julie Deen’s 10 best blog list. So funny! Plus I love your haircut…it’s kinda like mine! I’ll follow you for sure…oh and not just because of your hair.
Duh. I meant Julie DeNeen! Another overrated item…reading glasses.
Hahaha.. this is hilarious! I absolutely hate jogging, camping and still hoping the good ol’ days of having action every night would return!
I’m not sure that if Men had to have the babies, the job would get done.
God Bless women for going through all that.
I SO needed this laugh! I would have paid you for it. I’ve had one of those days (suffice it to say much of it had to do with pricey computer problems—thank you Verizon: NOT).
I especially loved Camping. I tell my super-outdoorsy husband that I camp in hotels.
Thanks for the belly laugh!
You had me at big dogs…thanks for a nice post!
Maria
http://www.musicteachingandparenting.com
New to your blog but I’m loving it so far, especially this one! We just got a smallish dog for the reasons you mentioned about big dogs, he’s a short-legged Basset Hound but he still manages to jump up and swipe food off the counters. So much for my theory on small dogs…
I knew we were soul sisters from the get-go!
OMG YES so true Vikki! And the big dogs having poop the size of cats…truth.
I love you.
And I HATE camping. It’s horrible.
I would totally take the 420M, though. I’d just give the bulk of it away.
Oh my goodness, yes. Yes. and Yes. Tried the FSBO thing once. Biggest disaster of my life. Went under contract, moved to another state. No one “on the ground” watching over the process. Contract fell through. Had to hire a real estate agent and carry two mortgages for almost a year. Don’t. Do. It.
Nice analogies! I will never look at flapping beagle ears the same again. Mwah hha haaaa
Totally relate to #7. If our ancestors loved camping so much, then why do we have houses, hotels, RVs…My idea of roughing it? No WiFi :-)
Very funny as usual Vikki, I’m a little iffy on the lottery but it doesn’t seem to help many of the winners. They usually end up either in jail or dead!