A friend of mine recently had her breasts “upsized,” and she’s determined that no one will ever know they’re not natural. Okay, babe. Love ya, but we need a tiny reality check here. You’re 50. You weigh 103 pounds, and you’re a size 2 (and we’re still friends, which shows what a secure woman I am. Yeah, no. But you’re hysterically funny, so I overlook my middle-age body envy and love you anyway). They’re a full, bosomy D cup, AND the good doc placed them up around your clavicles. Repeat after me. NO ONE is going to believe they’re real.
Having spent several years in beauty retail, I’ve concluded that cosmetic surgery is the final taboo. A society that shares (OMG, do we share) every minute detail of our lives on Facebook and Twitter, we are inexplicably reluctant to admit to having “work done.” We freely admit to dropping out of college to join a cult, or to repeated stints in rehab, or to coming out of the closet after 2 marriages and 3 kids as we post about leaving our husband for our maid of honor. But Botox?? THAT stays firmly tucked away on a tiny appointment card, securely stashed in our wallets where even best friends will never see it.
Personally, I think you should do whatever the heck you want and can afford (unless you’re Cat Woman. For the love of God, somebody STOP HER.) But please stop trying to pretend that your perky, perfectly symmetrical, 50-year-old breasts are natural. I call this “God loves me more than He love you” syndrome. Why else would God give YOU those and stick ME with these two beagle ears on a stick? That’s just mean. And since the Bible repeatedly tell us God is a loving deity, I have to assume you intervened and gave the Big Guy a little creative assistance.
For those of you who occasionally look at a woman and wonder, a couple of quick telltale signs. If her forehead is smooth as a baby’s bottom and doesn’t move when she’s talking, she’s a Botox’er. If she has a perfectly flat belly after 3 kids and her idea of exercise is opening a second bottle of wine, she’s been hoovered by a lipo-vac. If she’s a size 0, but has perfect, size D breasts that don’t fall to the side when she’s sunbathing, those puppies were a birthday present.
In short, if you look like an upside-down Weeble, with zero percent body fat EXCEPT for two large melons stuck to your chest, give it up. Not even your preschool grandchildren are buying the “natural” argument. Stop pretending you were divinely chosen to be prettier, thinner, or younger looking than the rest of us in your age bracket. If you’ve had it nipped, tucked, sucked, injected, enhanced or hoovered, consider sharing THAT if we ask. Even if we choose a different path, our self-esteem will remain intact knowing that we didn’t somehow draw the beauty short straw.
And lest you think I’m holding out, I’ll go first. When I hit 50, I had an upper and lower blepharoplasty. In short, an “eye job.” For years I was unhappy with the drooping of my upper eyelids and the constant puffiness underneath that no amount of expensive eye creams would deflate.
Admittedly, there was a tiny part of me that hoped the doc would take one look at me and announce, “You?? You look great. Come back in a few years.” That faint hope went south on a luge when he peered over at me and said, “Are you sure you don’t want a full forehead lift? We could get a lot more of that sagging.” Awesome. Nope, I replied. I’m not going for “stunned.” Just more rested. Eyes only, doc.
In hindsight, I probably should’ve read the fine print under “Healing.” Specifically, how long it takes. When doc said I’d be able to wear makeup and go out within a week or so, he didn‘t say I would still look like I’d gone head first through a car windshield. (I attended a friend’s wedding shortly after the surgery wearing giant, oversize black sunglasses, feeling all Audrey Hepburn. Later photos revealed a stronger resemblance to Snookie. Epic vanity fail.) But several weeks later, when all was finally over and healed, I looked, well…rested. I loved it.
Would I do it again? Absolutely. And if you ever ask, I’ll give you the name of my doctor.
Drs. name???? LOL
I think it’s hilarious the lengths to which women will go. Especially aging actresses. Melanie Griffiths looks hideous! A little nip and tuck here and there is totally acceptable. New boobs if ya want them, no problem, but dont’ try to sell them as natural…
Here’s to aging disgracefully I say. Wine in one hand chocolate in the other ;)
Great post..
I’m with you, Vikki…if it’s worth snipping, clipping, trimming and skimming to you (and you’ve the money in the bank to pay for it) then go for it!
Thanks goodness I wasn’t drinking anything when I read … “two beagle ears on a stick”!
You are the best! I look at myself every day, and those droopy eyelids are starting right back at me. I may not be long after you! What a great post- thanks for the laugh this morning!
May take you up on that doctor’s name in a few short years, lol!! :)
I’ve never had anything done, but trust me if I had the money I’ve got a whole wish list.
Love it! My mom had her eyes done because the droop was started to interfere with her vision. When you wait that long, insurance covers it. I will probably have my eyes done someday, too.
Loved this. “God loves me better than you.” Yes! Stop lying about it and just say you’ve had work done. It isn’t like those of us with breasts don’t know. And we tell the guys if we catch them staring.
You rock the free world for your honesty! I wish more people would own up to the work they have had done!-Ashley
I agree! If you’re going to do something like that to yourself, own it! Don’t act like you went through a second puberty.
I had some ultrasonic dermabrasion and treatment with an Intense Pulsed Light (IPL) cold Laser (read about it here http://www.femme-de-finesse.com/best-face-forward-part2/) and would do it again in a heartbeat! I got that rested look without spending much money. However, I got a good look at my recent passport photo and I’m destined for an eye lift – soon! And I WILL blog about it!!
Love it! Hubby and I have a long-standing arrangement that once I’m done breastfeeding out last, I get a tummy tuck (those stretch marks aren’t going to just disappear on their own) and a boob job. I used to be STAUNCHLY opposed, but now I figure once they’re done fulfilling their natural purpose, I want them to look good, since that’s all they’ll be good for. And you can bet your boots I will be over-sharing the crap out of the experience. ;)
I already have a waddle and tummy tuck planned for my 40th b-day present and I don’t care who knows!
I’m going for the eyelids when I’m 50 too (2 more years)…telling hubby to save up for that bday gift starting now! Hilarious as always Vikki…I have a friend who always jokes and says, “if you took all the ‘fake’ off of me, there’d be nothing left.” She’s botox’ed, fake boobs, hair extensions, fake eyelashes, and more…The funny thing is we met post-pregnancies so I had no idea what she looked like pre-kids. It took me YEARS to figure out that she had fake boobs (and then of course she told me once we became friends) because i can be so clueless about that stuff.
Very funny post. I’m kinda maybe thinking of the uppeer eyelids, but I think I’m chicken. Afraid I won’t look like me. But some one was talking about a laser pulse something or other. I’ll look into that. A friend did his eye lids and he looked like he was in a wind tunnel. Scary, zomie looking.
Oh Vikki this was too funny. And too true. I’m too chicken to ever get any work done, but not too chicken to admit it! I’ll be old and wrinkled and flabby too… oh well!
Funny as always, Vikki! I’m a firm believer in doing whatever you need to to be happy with your appearance, barring going the Cat Lady and Joan Rivers route. I’ve done Botox on my “squint” lines and crows feet and to me it makes a big difference.
Hilarious! I agree that there’s no use in hiding any work you’ve had done, no one looks 20 forever.
Unfortunately we live in an artificial world where pretense is taken very lightly.
Great incident :)
I love this post! Thanks for being so candid. The one thing I always thought I might do is my eyes, good to know someone has done it and was happy with the results. I totally agree with you too, if you are going to give nature a little help it’s only fair to share your secret ( and the doctors number) with your friends!! Lol!
This is great! Another telltale sign: When the neck and hands don’t. match the face- you know, when the face is smooth but the neck and/or hands are wrinkly.
I love your honesty. And I especially love the phrase “two beagle ears on a stick.”
This is great! Another telltale sign: When the neck and hands don’t match the face- you know, when the face is smooth but the neck and/or hands are wrinkly.
I love your honesty. And I especially love the phrase “two beagle ears on a stick.”
Hey there! I’m here from the blog hop and just wanted to let you know I liked your facebook page ;o) Hope you’ll get a chance to visit me! You can find me here:
I’m not going for “stunned.”
Thank you for my laugh of the morning. I’ll take up your challenge. I’ve had 2 c-sections and I still remember the recovery very well BUT in the future if I forget the pain and I have enough money I’m going to buy back my 25 year old self.
Yrs ago at a doctors office I was looking at a magazine with stars who had tons of work. The Doc was subbing for mine that day. Knowing I was only there for my arm an hand pain. Saw me looking at it an asked. Well what do U want changed. I said Nothing I like what I have. Then LOL an said well maybe I would like a little less fat. Then in the next breath said and it won’t be by a Hoover. He like to have fell out laughing. Well now at that over 55+ yrs I still have the fat an I’m fine with it well maybe not but I am still happy with what God blessed me with. And if I can still turn the heads of the young guys why change it now.
Maybe it’s my proximity to Orange County, but where I live, everyone owns up to their plastic surgery. Perhaps they’re subtly hinting at me?
A hilarious post! Personally, I prefer women (real women) who wobble, sag and don’t look like they have suffered facial paralysis. but what does a 54-year old man like me know?
I have a friend that had a tummy tuck and boob job. She swears she just had her tummy tucked. Drives me crazy…her chest is now bigger and perkier than a stripper’s. I want to just scream – WE KNOW YOU HAD THE GIRLS DONE TOO! Why do women do that shit?
I think they lie because they don’t want our pity. Women who take surgical steps to rectify what they feel are physical flaws are often pitied and accused of having something emotionally or mentally wrong with them. The cultural pressure on women is to both be perfect, striving always to rectify any real or perceived imperfections, and yet have no feelings about our imperfections if we have them because then we’re accused of being insecure.
It’s really almost impossible to be a well-adjusted woman in a culture that has you trapped at every turn.
ROFL at “Beagle Ears”. I call my girls “Rocks in Socks”.
Honest is beautiful. Hilarious is HOT. Vikki, you are BOTH!
LOVED THIS! I too had a friend who was a -1 in sizes — less than 0 — with DD boobs. The first time I met her, I tried, oh I tried, but I could not stop staring at the flotation devices attached to her chest. But she loved ’em so I learned to peek over them to see her face. ;) Great post.
Great post!! As I approach 50, I think of plenty of things I’d like to have DONE. And not only would I not mind telling the truth, I’ll tell you how much I paid and what I had to sell to get it!!
There is always that one thing about you that you’d change if you could, and I WOULD like a nose job. But my hubby and kids love me even with my big trunk so I guess I’ll deal.
Love it!!! However my beagle ears are on a balloon!!!
Always look at a person´s hands, they always tell the real tale… And about droopy eyelids, I´m thinking how I will do it in some years from now. I´ll need that name!
My daughter-in-law got new boobs and not long ago she told me that she hadn’t meant for them to be that big..that the Doctor got carried away! Right!
I will do the droopy eyelid thing one day! The rest, nope! I’m with you on that one.
Snookie has unnaturally large breasts on a tiny frame. Just sayin’… ;-)
I have to totally agree with you! What’s the harm in a little nip, tuck, enlarge, reduce? I say if it makes you feel better about yourself then go for it! Your the one that has to live with it!
What I want to know is whether they can undo the brain damage I incurred during pregnancy and the sleepless years. I would LOVE a brain lift if anyone is offering one… ;)
Stopping in from Bloppy Bloggers.
So funny. I’m 38 and I already need a boob job. I think I have since about the 6th grade sadly. Your article has inspired me (if i ever do it) to hold a big party where I will announce it and show before and afters. I agree that trying to cover it up and pretend it is natural is just silly. People totally know.
I once took a quiz at work with some coworkers to identify fake vs. real boobs. They were men (I know, this is very appropriate work place behavior), but they got about a quarter of them wrong. I was 20 for 20. Women know.
This is roll off of the chair funny Vikki! I haven’t had any work done YET but have a whole host of things in the “If I ever get rich” column and I would be announcing it to the world and probably get arrested for indecent exposure because I would be showing EVERYONE! “Oh hello UPS guy! Look at my new boobs!” “Hello dry cleaning lady look at my new ass!”
I’m with you. You want to, you can afford to, you should. Not for me, but only because I’d be frustrated to go through that and soon enough, see new signs of aging.
You truly crack me up but I can’t let myself laugh those wrinkles will set in. Don’t laugh fight through. Phew. You would crack me up if I’d let you!
Hilarious and true.
I think it stems from the intense double-bind women are in to look fabulous without having make any demonstrable effort to do so. We’re supposed to be gorgeous, but for some reason to admit that it took any work to get gorgeous diminishes the validity of our beauty in some way.
The pressure on celebrities to look exactly like they did after having a baby as they did before is one example of this. But they have to say stuff like, “I just ate right” or “I got on the treadmill a couple of times a week” when the truth is that they had plastic surgery with their scheduled c/sections and have a personal trainer and a chef managing every activity and morsel that enters their mouths.
I could care less what these women are doing. More power to them. Oh what I would do if I had the money. But to set up this unrealistic expectation of beauty that is UNACHIEVABLE by most human women really ticks me off.
I see a lot of women after they’ve had babies, and few of them make it through the process of pregnancy and childbirth without physical changes. It’s just the reality of it. And to pretend…How did you say it?…that God loves them more…is what is so hurtful and damaging about it.
And I’ve also had a bleph. Best thing ever! And I totally agree about the misinformation regarding the recovery. I was also told I would be wearing make-up in a week. Yeah, right.
I loved the “beagle ears on a stick” reference and as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to never say “never.”