Hubs and I recently heard that some close friends of ours were splitting up. Shortly thereafter, the guys met for burgers and beers at a local sports bar. I specifically instructed Hubs to do some sleuthing, and when he arrived home, I was full of questions about what he found out. Five minutes later, I was sorely disappointed.
“What did he say about the marriage?” “Nothing. It didn’t come up.” “What do you mean ‘It didn’t come up’? Didn’t you ask??” “Of course not! Geez, guys don’t just ask about stuff like that.” Seriously, dude?
It’s true. To women, friendship includes sharing. We get involved in each other’s lives. Men often still cling to the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” approach to their social circle, which is why, even for women who gush “I married my best friend,” women instinctively know that we need each other.
Girlfriends understand each other. We enthusiastically swap details about marital bumps in the road, new babies, empty nests, weight struggles, family dramas, career changes, parenting wins and fails, and endlessly debate the all-important “to Botox or not to Botox” without reservation. We’re there for each other, and we speak the same language.
Girlfriends are better shopping buddies. They will cheerfully go back with you to the same store three times to try on that dress, just one more time, to make sure it’s the best choice.
Girlfriends “get it” even when we don’t make any sense. “I was so depressed about my weight, I ate an entire box of Girl Scout Thin Mints,” will make a man crazy, but your girlfriend instantly makes you feel less pathetic by telling you her “God, I’m such a loser” story about the night a half gallon of Ben & Jerry’s went mysteriously missing from her freezer at 2 a.m.
Girlfriends will let you vent without interruption. You’re furious with Hubs for forgetting your anniversary? “I’m listening. Yes, he’s an idiot. Here, have another glass of wine and tell me more.”
Girlfriends will let you brag. Got a promotion? A hot new man? Hubs did something uber-romantic? We’ll provide the applause (and maybe a sigh of friendly jealousy).
Girlfriends help keep the passion alive in our marriage by reserving all discussions about our sudden-onset urge incontinence, current yeast infections, cellulite, or this morning’s discovery of grey chin hairs for girls’ night out, effectively preventing the unfortunate visual from being seared into Hubs’ brain, to be replayed every time he sees you naked.
Girlfriends understand the emotional landmines of aging. Once-perky breasts that now resemble deflated wind socks, previously porcelain skin that now looks more like beef jerky, and tank tops in the winter because it’s SO DAMN HOT IN HERE are all topics better reserved for like species. We’re a kick-ass support group.
Girlfriends can provide honest feedback without causing relationship havoc. If we ask Hubs about a certain dress and he’s obtuse enough to reply, “It makes you look kind of short,” he’d only make that mistake once and live to tell about it. If we asked a girlfriend that same question and got exactly the same response, we’d say “Thanks! I thought so too, but I wasn’t sure.”
Of course, not all BFFs are created equally. By the time we’re 50+, many of us have several “best friends,” all very different and bringing different gifts into our lives. Following are the five BFFs I think every woman needs.
1. Meri Brown (the Sister Wife). She’s your best friend from childhood. She knows your every secret, but would never tell. Over the years, you’ve swapped clothes, traded boyfriends, got your periods (at the same time), and took turns hanging out the car windows during menopause. She cheerfully wore that hideous mint green bridesmaid’s dress at your wedding, and years later got you through your divorce while managing to keep you out of rehab. She spends hours regaling your children with stories about your misspent youth (a crush on David Cassidy, Mom? Seriously??) No matter how long between visits, conversations can just pick up where they last left off, because she knows all the key players in the stories. You never have to re-introduce the characters with “No, that one was my first husband. That one was my second, remember?”
2. Hilary (the Realist). She’s the one who tells it like it is. She’s loves you, but is not afraid to tell you when it’s time to buck up and get over it. She has no tolerance for “wallowing,” and her advice is usually blunt. Hate your job? “Quit.” Hubs is a jackass? “Leave him.” Feeling fat? “Join a gym.” Hilary believes in taking responsibility for your life, and she’s often just the person to get you up off your hiney and get you moving towards what you really want.
3. Sybil (the Alter Ego). She’s everything you’re not. She’s who you’d love to be if you could be someone else. Where you’re introverted, she’s the life of the party. Where you avoid confrontation, she’ll charge right up to the rude salesclerk and demand “What’s WRONG with you?” Where your clothing choices tend towards yoga pants and t-shirts, she rocks the black leather jacket and distressed jeans. When you’re with her, you feel more daring, more willing to take risks. If you were ever going to buzz cut your shoulder-length hair or get your first tattoo at 58, she’d be your ride-along.
4. Liz Smith (the Gossip). Simply put, she knows everything about everybody. She’s fun, loves to dish, and makes you laugh like nobody’s business. If you don’t know what’s going on around town, or who’s doing what with whom, she’s your go-to. She can brighten up your day with a quick text message, “OMG. Meet me at 6. NEWS!”
5. Cameron Tucker (the “Other” BFF). He’s your best boyfriend. Every woman needs a man in her life that she’s never going to have sex with. Men have a different perspective on things and can often help us see situations from their point of view, but opinions and advice from our partners often appear to be laden with hidden agendas (getting laid or discouraging our spending). Your best boyfriend doesn’t want to sleep with you and doesn’t care what you spend, so he often seems more trustworthy in the advice department. And somehow you know that when he tells you that you look hot in that dress, you look hot in that dress.
If you have any of these people in your life, treat them like the gold they are. Or maybe you are one of these people to someone else? Then your girlfriends are right. You’re a rock star.
Great post! Honestly, I think we just need the first four BFFs…because come on, we all know that “Cameron Tucker” would sleep with us if given the opportunity, and we don’t need that complication. I have my four so I am all set!
Yep, it’s true. Men are just not interested in the same stuff we are. It’s entirely unsatisfying to debrief hubby after he goes out with friends. Entirely.
I loved this post. But in defense of men, my husband did have a BFF.
You totally nailed this one … the different ways in which we’re close with different people … how we have different close friends who encourage us, complete us and validate us. I’m lucky enough to have one in every category! SO TRUE!
LOL! I just questioned hubs last week if he asked a friend ours “why did you break up?” And hubs said, “We don’t ask questions like that.” Great post!
This is so true! My bff lives far away now but visits often. We may not talk for weeks at a time but as soon as we do we pick up right where we left off!
I definitely agree! Although lately I also am a believer in quality over quantity. My list of friends has decreased but in a good way :)
I would be lost without my girlfriends! Each one has a unique place in my life, but when we’re all together it’s the best.
So very true. I truly cherish all of my friends and found that I had at least one in each of your categories. We really need to not take them for granted.
You nailed it! As usual…I have someone in all of those categories too, including the last one. :)
Your post got me thinking – a precarious scenario at the best of times.
From a male perspective, I recognize the equivalent of each of your five friend-types. But I refer to them as:
1. Boozing mate
2. Rent-a-mouth
3. Smooth bastard
4. Nosy get
5. Lesbian
Who said men were shallow!!
Ah yes, all so true…I don’t know how I could have survived this past year without my BFFs! Hilarious as always Vikki too!
This is why I blog! None of my girlfriends live close enough to regularly vent to!! I have had some interesting responses and a couple of frantic phone calls after a couple of my posts so at least I know they are reading them and if the going got tough enough and I showed up on their doorstep, they would welcome me in and help me get much needed prespective!
And as for the guy friend, I’ve always been the type to have more guy friends than girl friends! Hazard of my career choice in the automotive field for 20+ years, but I wouldn’t give anything for those guys, they got me through a lot!
So true Vikki. There are different friends that fulfill different roles and are there for us in different ways. A BFF will let you vent and just listen without going all male and trying to fix and analyze everything! Great post!
*sigh* wish we lived closer Vikki! I really miss having a BFF here!
Okay – I got stuck when you said ‘half gallon’ of ben & jerry’s thinking ‘do they make half gallons now and not just pints? how do i not know this?’ – when I finally snapped out of my ice cream frenzy I enjoyed your article and can totally relate! Oh, and I would have killed my husband if he came back from a bar night with no details about the split. I probably would have hounded him until he made something up.
I cherish my girl friends too!
Mmm! Yes! I am blessed with best friends way back from the 70’s and feel absolutely fortunate. What I love best is – everyone remembers everyone’s mad mannerisms and almost always gets the perfect gift! :D
Love the post, Vikki!
Most of my friends, the ones I trust most, are men. Unfortunately just about every single female friend I’ve ever had has turned out to be bitchy, mean, flaky or just not there when I needed her most.
I’ve always strived to be the loyal friend (as well as the realist when needed) but in the end I’ve only been burned. It sucks but hey, I have the blog and there are many kick ass women I’ve networked with online to make up for the lack of friends locally. It doesn’t help on super lonely days but for the most part it gets me by and I’m grateful for that.
I love my BBF they had been there for me in the worst events of my life. I’m thankful to have them.