20 Fashion Trends I’d Like to See Die in 2014

vagina

I love fashion. Clothes, shoes, boots, accessories, handbags…all shiny and new, promising, if not actually a better life, certainly a better-dressed one.

Which is not to say that I’ve always made good choices. Closet purging over the years has unearthed mortifyingly large piles of Goodwill donations that have included clogs (clunky wooden shoes. Yeah, those got me a lot of dates), a one-piece cat suit (during my delusional period, when I thought what worked for Halle Berry could also work for me), a wildly expensive cowboy hat (which looked totally ridiculous in downtown Vancouver, BC, where I lived at the time, but I was crushing on a cowboy from Calgary), and several bags of disco bling from the late 70s (still referred by my family to as my “unfortunate Afro era”).

One of the benefits of aging is the discovery of what works for you and what doesn’t. We’re less easily manipulated by the fashion industry into buying clothes that are unflattering, silly, or just plain stupid. We understand our bodies, what we want to show off and what we would prefer to keep between ourselves and our bathroom mirrors.

But there are some fashion statements that don’t work for anybody and that need to be taken out behind the barn and shot. How they originally came to be is simple. New trends are continuously streamed to the public, so stores can continue to sell clothes. (Who needs a new black skirt when the one you bought last year is still in style?) But why they remain prevalent is a mystery. Often, even the designers are baffled. They know a trend is universally horrible, but they assume it’ll sell out quickly and be replaced next season with another new must-have. Sometimes the designers are wrong.

Following is my list of Fashion Trends I’d Like to See Die in 2014:

1. Low-rise jeans on most women. Low-rise jeans introduced the concept of muffin top. When your waistband cuts straight across the middle of your belly (the trouble spot on millions of women worldwide), it’s going to squish the excess fat up and over the top. There’s just no where else for it to go. And every time you lean over, we all get to see the Great Crevice, often highlighted by your hot pink thong that has crept up your butt crack and now lies snuggled in the roll above your jeans.

2. Low-rider gang banger jeans on men. This is the longest-running male trend ever, and it’s hideous. This one continues to surprise me, since it was originally developed by convicted felons who used it as a prison mating call to show their availability to other inmates. Guys, you don’t look tough. You look like an idiot who needs to pull up his damn britches (and this means you, Mr. Bieber).

3. Crocs. Yep, I’m still seeing these. I recently saw  a bright orange pair on a 50-something gentleman. With socks. Some things can’t be unseen. If you’re over the age of 4 (or a male, at any age), for the love of God, toss these.

4. Nail art. I’m sorry, but this is just tacky. While it can be cute on little girls who want flowers on their tiny pink nails, if you’re over 23 and you simply must have daisies painted on your nails to celebrate spring, put them on your toes.

5. French manicures. These are so over. They’ve been around for 30 years, and they’re tired. Even Tim Gunn remarked that once you’ve seen a trend take over every trailer park in town, it’s time to let it go.

6. Tights worn as pants. When leggings became hot, apparently people became confused about the difference between leggings and tights. Leggings are heavier and more opaque, providing the same coverage as pants, just skinnier. Tights are much sheerer, clearly showing the rest of us your cellulite, your underwear, and your lady bush. Huge difference. Huge.

7. Camo print. Especially in pink. If you want to look like a soldier, join the military. Even if you’re a shotgun toting, mud wrestling, female trucker with a gun rack, this is a tough look to pull off. And adding in a pink motif just makes you look confused.

8. High-low skirts and dresses. Above the knees in front, draping down to the floor in back. Fashionistas call this a “mullet skirt.” ‘Nuf said.

9. Any item sporting a logo from the Hello Kitty Collection on any woman old enough to called “Ma’am.”

10. Printed tights. Looney Tunes, skulls, food products, black and white checks, stripes, All guaranteed to make the average woman look shorter and wider. Unless you’re an anorexic gazelle, pass on these.

11. Uggs boots with shorts. It’s unclear who originally decided to pair sheepskin boots with shorts, but it looks stupid. Leave this one to the high schoolers. They’re young enough to look silly and still be cute.

12. Harem pants. Looking for an extra 10 pounds, stumpy legs, and a saggy butt? These are for you. The rest of you, run.

13. Cropped tops on women over 30. I don’t care how thin or fit you are. Too MILFY, and not enough class. And worn with low-rise jeans? I’m assuming your t-shirt says “Honk if You Think I’m Hot.”

14. Leg warmers. They’re back, unfortunately. Let’s just nip this one in the bud.

15. Cheap Faux leather. It looks like vinyl. And many women, inexplicably, like to wear this in one size smaller than they actually are, which unfortunately makes you look like an overpacked sausage, ready to burst at any moment.

16. Short-shorts (a la Daisy Duke), with the pockets visibly hanging out. Even if you’re young enough and thin enough to pull this off, why??

17. Peplums. A little flare of gathered fabric around the widest part of your body. These make supermodels look hippy. The female version of the fanny pack.

18. Wedged sneakers. The one pair of comfy shoes in my whole closet now has heels. Awesome.

19. Sweat pants as “real pants.” Unless you’re in college and your only concern is comfort, these are just wrong. Think Pajama Jeans, but baggier. With elastic waistbands and ankles. Bulky, shapeless, and unflattering. The trifecta of “What the hell was I thinking??”

20. Baseball caps on women. Especially bedazzled, be-logo’d, or bejeweled. Just, no.

Now, if you’re wailing “But I LOVE my camo pants!” remember, this is just one woman’s opinion. If you can rock the Hello Kitty faux leather jacket with matching nail decals, keep on going with your rebel self. I won’t say a word.

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Comments

  1. says

    Well since a lot of these trends are worn by my duagher (who is 12) I would say I have to agree with you. But heck if someone can pull of a Hello Kitty top with pink camo pants while sporting a bejeweled baseball cap past 30, more power to her! If she can do it past 50, she is a rock star! As always, a great post!

  2. says

    If the world followed your rules, where would the fun be in going to a water park in the summer? Or in going to a minor league baseball game?
    Watching the show put on by the crowd is half the fun!
    Now, *I’m* not going to wear that tube top, or the arrow tattoo on my tummy with the arrow pointing down.
    But if everyone followed my rules for *me*, it would certainly make my viewing experience a lot more boring.
    Hey…if someone else looks bad…I stand out for having better taste! :D

  3. says

    Hilarious!!

    But I’m a baseball cap fan and wearer. ;)

    And Kathy made me giggle since my daughter is 7 and is cool w. some of these things. Like Crocs. G-d, they’re the best shoe for her. Although my husband has a pair and while I don’t like ‘em I just look the other way. They DO make some really cute flip flops, though. Ehem – guilty.

    Thanks for the morning giggle!

  4. says

    I’m with you on almost everything. My Crocs are the most comfy shoes I own and I wear them in the privacy of my own home most of the time. French manicures are classic and never go out of style in my book, even though it’s been years since I’ve had one. All the others? sign me up for the petition!

  5. says

    Yes, yes, yes! Those “low-rise” pants used to be called “boy cut”. Why? Because they are made for male bodies!

    My ex-husband wears crocs with sandles and, when I’m with him, I tell people that I’m not responsible for him anymore, lol

  6. says

    So…. I am currently wearing my crocs all the time in my house every damn day because really? My feet can’t handle anything else on my hard wood floors- except real shoes, like GYM shoes- which is my other option. ;) Sweet stuff eh?

    When I first started reading this- I honestly thought about HALF the things you had mentioned and hoped you WOULD be mentioning them! You nailed it, my dear!!!

    Except the crocs. Come on now! As ridiculous as they are- and as pathetic as they look…they feel SOOOOO good on my sore old feet! AND? They really go nicely with my sweat pants.

    Hey- at least I’m not sporting any hello kitty crap or bright pink thongs aren’t sticking out of my half-back jeans. ;)

  7. says

    HILARIOUS! The harem pants are so FUNNY, though! Especially on Justin Beiber, I giggle like a school girl when he wears those!
    The Ugg boots, I don’t get it. I don’t get a lot of trends, though. But I DO LOVE LOVE LOVE people who keep up with fashion! Seriously, thank you so much for filling resale shops and Goodwills with last years fashion, I scoop em up like crazy! :)

  8. says

    So funny! I think you got them all! Except for those toe-tennis shoes! And the crocs thing….and un-seeing this? Hysterical. My boyfriend used to wear them when we first started dating four years ago. UGH! I finally convinced him to stop wearing them in public. So what did he do? He bought the toe tennis shoes. (Thankfully he has only worn them once–and not around me!)

  9. says

    Agree 100%! My crocs have been relagrated to my weeding attire for at least 6yrs. Have pretty much never owned or had any desire to purchase or try the rest except(isn’t there always an except or but?) the low rise rise jeans given to me by either my daughter or Alyssa.Which I wear with a top that almost goes to my knees!

  10. says

    I’m never parting with my favorite baseball hat! It’s a necessity for runs to the grocery store on Sunday afternoons. :)
    Otherwise, YES, YES, and YES. Crocs? Nail art? Go away!!

  11. says

    I’m down with everything on the list ‘cept the French pedicure. I get French because it grows out gracefully without chipping, allowing me to go several months between pedi’s. ‘Cause I just don’t have time to sit in that chair every other week. So, I’m clinging to my French pedi for convenience sake. As for Hello Kitty peplum camo low-rise sweat pants — yeah, that shit’s gotta go. ;)

  12. says

    Sweatpants also scream, “I have absolutely no self respect.” Mullet dress – love that term, hate the look. But my very favorite line in the entire post is your Tim Gunn quote. He is fabulous, flawless and the guy knows fashion!

  13. says

    “Some people dress to kill; ****** dresses to wound.” This was said about a co-worker of mine years ago and I still apply it to some people I see today. Thanks for today’s chuckle.

  14. says

    Soooo, no more strutting my one piece cat suit in public? Dang and mroww hiss. By the way, your Goodwill donations look a lot like mine. Please let me know when disco era wraparound skirts come back in

  15. says

    Don’t forget to save all this stuff for Halloween costumes! Love this post… And belated congrats on Voices of the Year… Are you attending in July? I am!
    Stephanie

    • says

      Angela, I know, it’s scary. They were kind of sexy the first time around (think Flashdance, not Jane Fonda), but now they just seem a little “trying too hard to be retro.” But if you like them, I can send you mine! :)

  16. cate says

    hi-lo fashions remind of that sweater that got wrapped around the agitator in the washing machine or the raime cotton with the arms that continued to grow longer through out the day

    • says

      I agree, Linda! No matter where you go, there’s some 50+ year old fitness buff who wants to show off her flat abs. Good for you, lady. Now cover that middle-aged skin back up! :)

    • says

      Ooh, b+, I like so many things! To name just a few off the top of my head: I like off-the-shoulder sweaters, distressed jeans, rich nail colors (with short nails), classic men’s white shirts (with my distressed jeans), great ballet flats, Frye boots, biker-style jackets in any color except black, little black dresses that you can accessorize any way you please, winter white wool coats, and retro-style one-piece swimsuits, a la Marilyn Monroe! :) Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

  17. says

    Bwhahaha. I agree with most of this list. I like the nail art and I’m a baseball cap wearer (usually when out in the middle of the desert and needing protection from the sun). All about comfort! But please, keep it classy. LOL

    And low-rise jeans…what the hell?! Yea, these need to die. Immediately.

  18. Becky says

    I think I’ve found a way to beat low-rise jeans at their game, at least the part of the game where they would otherwise be giving a show-and-tell of the Great Divide: GLUE! The super-duper, Gorill-type body glue that’s meant to hold those hellacious thigh high support hose in place rather than rolling down to mid-thigh where they cut off circulation and leave you writhing in agony on your bedroom floor, frantically dialing someone, anyone on the phone to come help you pull those suckers off. Anyhoo, roll that stuff along the area you want your jeans to stay, let it get tacky and then “fasten” that waistband in place.

    The bad part comes when you have to go to the bathroom and realize that lowering your jeans requires sacrificing at least a layer of skin.

  19. says

    Tried wearing low riders… did permanent damage unconsciously trying to pull them up to my waist. BTW does the younger generation even know what part of their body is the waist?? Agreed w/ MOST of what you wrote, but still loving the way French Manicures look. Here from the Grand Social; BB2U.

    • says

      BB, I’m getting lots of yays for the French Manicure. Apparently we’ll be seeing it for some time, and I’ll just have to suck it up. :) Thanks for stopping by my blog!

  20. says

    I think I’m good. Although I do like flowers on my toes when we go to the beach on vacation. I did have a pair of Crocs a couple years back that I loved…they were so comfy…but I did not wear them out and about…just around the house. Mostly I’m yoga pants or comfy jeans (meaning they have some stretch to them)…comfort all the way.

    • says

      Michelle, You’re right. I actually kind of like the toe art thing, done selectively. But the all-ten fingers thing on a boomer-age woman is just a bit truck stop diner. Great to see you on Laugh Lines! :)

  21. says

    You make me laugh…..a lot. And yes I agree with you on all of the above but it’s JMO, just my opinion. Rubber shoes cannot be healthy at all and quite unattractive. Wear they while gardening maybe.

    Vikki you are a delite!!

  22. says

    I agree with all except the baseball hat. I do not have wash and wear hair. If it is raining and nasty and all I am doing to get out of the house all day is going to the post office, yes guilty the hat goes on! It is black and has my company logo and tag line on it so I am still working, does that count?

  23. says

    Ha! I love this and couldn’t agree more with ALL of your list. Plumber bum, be gone. My muffin top just keeps rising, like I put too much yeast in the mix. So, must rid my wardrobe of any low rise jeans. Never did embrace the UGGS and now there is the cruelty factor. Thanks for this fun post.

  24. says

    Vikki, because I love you to bits, I’m not gonna hold it against you that you might not share my vision when I sport one of the 50 or so baseball caps I own, paired with my awesome camo cargo style army pants and a $5 Aeropostale hoodie. I wear army shoes with the whole shebang. That’s just how stylin’ and butch mock hunter chic I am. I’ll bet if I rocked the whole ensemble with a Hello Kitty french manicure, I’d be the talk of the town. But totally not in a good way. Yeah, I’ve looked in the mirror more than a few times and wondered where I parked the tractor trailer. Need to rethink the look completely. ;)

  25. mac says

    I love by baseball cap and sweat pants for walking my dog first thing in the am before my shower and sometimes when digging in my back yard. What I would wear in my own homes differs greatly from what I would wear in public and subject others too. I would add Branded Clothing/purses/anything to the list, not just because I think it’s tacky but why would I pay for something that is/should be a promotional products. You want me to pay big $$$$ to have your name on it, no but I will take it free.

    • says

      Thank you, Mac! And you’re right, branded clothing (so hot in the 80s) is simply free advertising for us to tell the world how amazing the person is whose name is on our butt. Sorry, but you’ll have to pay me first! :)

  26. says

    As a bloke, some of these “fashion” statements are unfamiliar to me. I do, however, totally agree with you regarding the low-rider gang-banger jeans; they are hideous.

  27. says

    Confession time – am currently sporting a pair of baggy sweats that have seen better days. However – am on day 3 of a horrid cold. Promise that I won’t wear them with my orange crocs. YES! I do own a pair. But let me explain. My mother bought me a pair a few years back when we were in England. She bought herself a pair (her luggage went missing, she wore my shoes that were too small and hurt her feet, hence her hasty purchase of orange crocs) and thought I might like them… While mine are reserved for gardening only she wore them in Paris. Oh Yes She Did.

  28. says

    Ok, while I agree with MOST of these, I can’t get rid of my crocs. They are comfy but MOST of all; ANTIMICROBIAL. Can’t say that about most flip flops and on my sweaty summer dogs, that’s irreplaceable.

    • says

      I’ve always figured there must be something about those shoes that keeps people wearing them year after year. So what do I know? You go rock those Crocs! :)

  29. says

    I love my crocs. And I just bought 2 new pairs. One pair is supposed to look like the very popular Sperry shoes that all the girls love. I love wearing my Crocs and embarrassing my granddaughter! You made me laugh. And today I needed it!!

    • says

      Hi Caryn! Yes, I’ve finally decided that if it looks better on my daughter-in-law than it looks on me, it’s hers. :) Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

  30. says

    Haha. I have left most of these in my rear-view mirror. However, never heard of some of them (peplums?). So you have also increased my vocabulary today. (Love it when that happens!)

  31. says

    The nail thing is really baffling. It looks awful.

    Peplums? Why do we have to have these? The only thing worse are jodhpurs. Yes, I’d like a pair of pants that make even the tallest, skinniest woman have saddlebags.

    Crocs have always been wrong. I’ve never understood them.

    And men!!! Please stop with these stupid pants. Nothing says “Here’s my butt crack” better than these stupid pants.

  32. says

    This is so funny! I was walking around a water park the other day with my kids and I cannot tell you how many guys I saw with their bathing suits hanging halfway down their butts with their boxer briefs showing. They’re even doing it with their bathing suits now! I told my son I’d kick his butt all the way to Texas if he even thought about wearing his like that. I have to keep my baseball hats…..for those days I just can’t get the shower in. Baseball hats cover a multitude of sins :)

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