Doctor, Can You Give Me a Lift?

boobs in bra

When I was in my late 40s, I decided to get my breasts lifted. I didn’t want them bigger. Just higher. Back up where the good Lord put them before gravity and age began to coax them closer to my naval than my clavicles. There’s just something about looking in the mirror every morning to two sad beagle ears attached to your upper torso that screams “National Geographic, the Pictorial Edition.” Not to mention that most of my friends had implants or lifts 10 years earlier, so even women older than me had younger-looking bodies because they were, well, perky, and I looked more like a 60s love child that hadn’t worn a bra since puberty.

So armed with photos of young starlets and their “up to there” breasts, I made an appointment with a well-recognized plastic surgeon to discuss my options. I entered his plush office, with its thick carpet and quietly cascading waterfall in the corner, where his impossibly perfect receptionist guided me back to the softly lit exam room (for which I would thank God in the next half hour), and she flashed me a bright smile as she instructed me to remove my shirt and bra, and wait for the doctor.

20 minutes later, Doc walks in (is it me, or do they all look 12 years old??) introduces himself and, obviously not into foreplay, reaches over and lifts one breast, checking for “bounce.” (Say hello to the point, you arrogant puppy. If they still BOUNCED, I wouldn’t be here), then lets it go, where it promptly slams back down onto my chest like a wrecking ball taking out a high rise. Then he sticks a piece of blue litmus-type paper underneath one, waits several seconds, and pulls the paper out to check for skin-on-skin contact, which would show up as “light moisture.” The paper looked like a Bounty Quicker Picker Upper. By now, my self-esteem has fled the building (presumably looking for the closest bar, which was where I was headed as soon as I could find my bra.) Then he stuck a large piece of white paper underneath both breasts and traced them. The final picture looked like two carrots lying on a table. I was so mortified by then, I hardly noticed the up close and personal Polaroids that he took. One for each carrot. Oh. My. God.

When he finally finished his exam, I stammered out that I’d read about a procedure where they could go in from the armpit and pull the ligaments up, which was less invasive and left fewer scars. Without missing a beat, he replied, “That would work if you’d come in 10 years ago. You’re way past that now,” at which point he calmly left the room, with instructions to make an appointment on my way out. Yeah, no. I scrambled into my clothes and headed home like an old plow horse to the barn. When I explained why I was so upset, Kenny asked, “Why do you even want to do this?? Why don’t you just wear one of those shove-em-up bras?” I explained that that only worked until I took the bra off, then everybody would know what they really looked like.

“Who the hell is EVERYBODY??” he choked out. “How many people are you thinking will be in the room whenever you take your bra off?” Well, after today, I would say nobody. Ever.

I ultimately decided the lift was not for me. My boobs and I would grow old together, and when I die, Kenny knows to bury me in my best sports bra. $85 a pop and virtually guaranteed to hold the sisters in place long enough for friends to sigh, “And she was so young.”

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Comments

  1. says

    At 35 and two pregnancies behind me, I am not looking forward to what the future now hold for my breasts, because they definitely are not as perky as when I was younger and before having kids now!! Your post was hilarious though and so making me know I am with you and never go through that just to roll the hands of time back!!

  2. says

    I spit out my Coke and commiserated with you all at the same time. I’m with you. I have working boobs – they fed two kids and now they are relaxing in their retirement. A good bra works every time. Thanks for a great post. I am going to share on the DameNation fan page!

  3. says

    I think this was one of my favorite posts! Loved your scene of describing the dr. examining your boobs…too funny! I think so many of us in mid-life have contemplated or gone through with visits to plastic surgeons…some of us end up not doing anything like you did and some of us take the plunge so to speak. I have a friend who wanted to do a boob lift and almost went through with it, had the surgery scheduled, and then cancelled. Of course I have plenty of other friends who joke that if you took all the “fake” off them, there’d be nothing left! And by the way, your husband is a gem — and hilarious.

  4. Mary Anne says

    Ok you made me spit out my coffee this morning – hey I got you beat! I can hold 4 pencils and a juice can under mine thank you very much..

  5. says

    Okay, so much is wrong with this. First of all, lady, YOU ARE FREAKING GORGEOUS, AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT.
    Second of all, Doctors need to take a crash course in human interaction do’s and don’ts. You should have given that guy a swift ball lift with your knee, if you catch my drift.

  6. says

    Okay, the Inspiring Blogger awards are up! If you want to participate, I posted the image and “guidelines” on my blog today. I am so glad I found your blog!

  7. says

    I bought about 15 years in my fight with gravity–had a reduction in 1991. My doc had a better bedside manner, for sure! If you drew a line down my old torso, you’d think you were looking at two different women’s bodies. Not a matched pair, and after 3 kids…you know that old song: Do your ears hang low? That was me. I once could pass “the pencil test,” but time and gravity are a tough combo to beat.
    You and your husband have the right attitude!

  8. says

    “Who the hell is everyone” Bwahahahahahaha! Good point, Kenny!!
    Gotta love it when husband logic is actually right!! One shove-em up bra, and you are in business!! Thanks for this much needed laugh as we head into the weekend!! –The Dose Girls

  9. says

    Oh, my gosh. What a funny post! Donna’s comment about her breast enjoying their retirement was a riot– and your husband is a treasure.

  10. says

    Very funny…but I cannot relate. I am still going for the padded contraptions. Couldn’t say mine are “perky,” but if the doc would trace them on a piece of paper, it would be more like green peas than carrots. At least you can get a funny post out of your…me, I got nuthin’.

  11. Elaine Plummer says

    So so funny. With my big girls, this doc would probably charge double to do anything. Thought about reducing them. Good lord knows what that doctor would do to assess them for that.

  12. says

    I am so disgusted that the doctor treated you like that! He’s an ass, and here’s hoping that when he’s our age his balls hang down to his knees and he has to tuck them into his socks every morning.

  13. says

    Thank you for such a great laugh on a Friday, Vikki! I would have had the same response in that situation! hilarious! nothing like making you feel worse than when you did when you walked through the dr.’s door, right?!

  14. says

    That s funny. I never thought I would have a sage. Not enough. Then with each child I gain a cup. But back in the 80s was the funnish time. They guys are working on my mobile home. One of the Kennys we went to school with was a worker an asked to use the bathroom. Ok. An down the hall he went. He was in there a very long time. OK. Sometime later it was my turn. Yap the lid was up. Puzzled what took so long. There in my extra sink was one of my bras. All puffed out an purky. Muck bigger the in the 70s. No wonder he was smiling when he left. Grrr

  15. says

    Every woman needs a great bra & a husband like your Kevin in her life. I seriously cracked up reading this, thank you I needed a laugh desperately tonight :)

  16. says

    OMG! Too, too funny. I remember sticking that slip of paper under my boob, way back when, to check for perkiness. It always just stuck there like a piece of gum.

  17. says

    O.M.G. Luckily I was not drinking anything, or my keyboard would have gotten fountained on.

    Thank you for being intrepid enough to adventure into an office like that – and even braver to tell all.

    I predict you and the girls will do just fine, without Dr. Charisma’s help.

  18. says

    Oh Vikki! If it is any consolation, at least you were in your late 40s. I’m in my early 40s, and I’m sure my carrots could give yours a run for their money!

  19. says

    I’m always stunned by how blunt doctors can be, but the more diplomatic ones are just tedious as they fumble around for the “nice way” to say something. Cute post, good attitude, great husband.

  20. says

    Loved this one! I was considering a lift as well, and have a husband who said I was crazy because he thinks they are just fine. However, he does love to tease that when I lay down, my breasts seem to disappear. :) Yeah, that’s funny.

  21. says

    Oh my goodness this had me rolling on the floor laughing. I always knew I never wanted a breast enhancement (proud member of the itty bitty titty committee) but I do have a lift in the back of my mind as possible in the future. I guess I never thought there was a time limit on that. Good to know.

  22. says

    I’m choking on a cheese stick. You should add a warning in the first line: “Don’t attempt to read or drink while reading.” Oh, what horrible table side manner this plastic surgeon had. Your husband conveys a very solid “voice of reason.” Good for him. Thanks for (over)sharing. I love knowing that I’m not alone while suffering similar age-related indignities.

  23. says

    Hilarious! I can’t figure out how someone like me, a carpenter’s dream flat-as-a-board, one day woke up to find the sisters hanging low! That’s aging gracefully for ya.

  24. says

    Oh goodness, I can relate which is sad as I am 30. I think I skipped the perky bouncy boobs, I have never had them. I blame my grandmother for my endowment lol

    Thank you for linking up to Raising Imperfection! We appreciate you taking the time to link up, make sure to check back on Friday when we feature out favorites.
    Leslie

  25. says

    I just found my way to you blog and I love it! Posted this on my FB page and will tweet and post it on my own site. Unfortunately, I had a similar experience with an oncologist who reviewed my blood work for potential risk for Ovarian Cancer — said “open and shut case — get em out” and promptly left the room. I am a fellow midlife blogger and I assure you I will be looking for a laugh and some good material to post.

  26. says

    I LOVE this story! I can relate to every single word (except the doctor part)!! I’m glad Kenny gave you the self-esteem to not have to have this surgery! And he’s right, you, he and the Good Lord (who gave us those sagging boobs in the first place) are the only ones who are going to see them!!

  27. says

    It’s not just you! They all look like they’re 12 years old!!! From your description- sure sounds like that doctor was! Certainly acted like it! Way to make an awkward situation even more awkward Doc! Ugh! I much prefer how your “consultation” with Kenny went and think you definitely made the right decision. Stick with him & your boobs & always have a good bra in reserve and you can’t possibly go wrong! :)

  28. says

    Too funny! Five years ago I went in for a consult to have lipo. Doc took one look at my sagging gut (after giving birth to four kids) and just laughed. “No honey,” he said, “You need the smorgasbord of surgeries–tuck, lift and lipo!” I was so humiliated, I never went back…..but I feel better now after reading your post!

  29. says

    Fabulously funny. Mine sag a lot…as Donna Highfill notes, they’ve done their job. In a good bra I have a lovely form… by the time he gets to see them in the buff, if he’s lucky, he has earned his way and is dying to touch. That’s the approach I’m taking!

  30. says

    Congrats on Blogher VOTY!!! You so deserve it and I love this post. I am only 38 and I think you just described my boobs :o/ If he shoved something under my boob to check for things I may have just told him ‘dude, i carried my purse in here under that boob, there is no bounce or anything even remotely supple’.

  31. says

    I remember reading this before and can’t understand why I didn’t comment….presumably I was on the floor howling with laughter at your amazing humor!!!

  32. says

    I’m 48 and my girls are trying to touch my toes. I hate it! I want to keep a sport bra on 24/7 just so I’m not reminded of what’s happening to them! I too have contemplated getting an overhaul, but it’s too expensive, leaves too many scars, and knowing my luck something will go wrong and I’ll turn out distorted and disfigured.
    : )

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