Google “What Not to Wear After 50” or “Fashion Do’s and Don’ts After Menopause,” and you’ll find a tsunami of advice articles. From Time Magazine’s commentary on current fashion trends to Tina Fey’s stand-up comedy, it seems everyone (I confess, including me) has an opinion on what works and what doesn’t after any given decade, marked by any birthday that ends in a zero. Trendy choices at 20 often look unsophisticated at 30. What works at 30 may look cougar-ish at 40. And what was flattering at 40 can look downright slutty at 50.
But there are certain things that don’t work well on any woman old enough to have a knee-jerk reaction when being referred to as a “girl” by her male boss. It’s not about chronological age. It’s about arriving at a time in your life when you want to be seen as a strong, intelligent, grown-up woman with something valuable to offer, and who’s not afraid to be seen. It’s about tossing clothes that make you fade away. Clothes that make you invisible.
Whatever your age (and whatever your weight), it might be time to ransack your closet and toss the following:
1. Oversize items or maternity wear to hide your weight. Nothing you can buy at Hilo Hattie’s House of Muu-muus has ever made a woman look smaller. No matter what your actual size might be, shrouding your body from head to toe in a pup tent says, “I’m fat, but I’m hoping you won’t notice.”
2. Tiny floral fabrics. Nothing screams “old lady in the background” like tiny floral prints that channel Grandma Bertha’s kitchen wallpaper in the old farmhouse.
3. Mid-calf skirt or dress lengths. Unless you’re a gazelle, with mile-long legs, skirts that hit you at the widest part of your calves will make you look shorter and chunkier (frumpier). Assuming this isn’t what you’re going for, hem them slightly above or slightly below the kneecap.
4. Ugly shoes. Boxy, clunky footwear. Yes, there comes that sad, sad day when we must relinquish our stilettos and consider shoe styles that don’t aggravate our sciatica, that allow us to cross the room without toppling over or spraining an ankle, and that don’t make us cranky all day because our feet are throbbing. Thankfully, there are now entire stores devoted to fashionable, comfortable flats and low heels.
5. Bad bras. Ill-fitting bras that don’t get those puppies back up there can make you look dumpy and frumpy. Remember Great-Aunt Hilda, from your childhood? She had a funny body, her boobs hung down to her waist, and she was old (definitely in her 50s).
6. Self-belts. Those tiny little belts that come with the dress or the jeans? Remove them. Preferably at the sales counter. High-quality, statement belts do not come as a gift-with-purchase. The ones that match the dress or add a little bling to the jeans are predictable and cheaply made, and look it.
7. Peter Pan collars. Especially if they’re lace. On dresses, blouses, or any other item of clothing if you’re over the age of nine. They make you look like an Amish schoolteacher. Which is great if you’re actually an Amish schoolteacher. But otherwise, a little too “sweet.”
8. Cheap, grandma purses, made from vinyl or “pleather.” Usually beige or black, with an adjustable shoulder strap and lots of compartments so you don’t lose your reading glasses, car keys, or your wadded stash of grocery coupons.
9. Sweatpants with elastic ankles. These do not make us look like Jeannie from I Dream of… They’re the quintessential “I don’t care and I’m not actually here” piece. The yoga pants of rural matrons.
10. Elastic waistbands. Worn nationwide by middle-aged women who say they’re comfortable. But bunching a yard of fabric around your waist acts like a life-size hair scrunchie. The only thing less flattering than a fanny pack (see #16).
11. Ruffles. There comes a time (no later than 30) when ruffles down the front of a blouse or around the collar leaves behind “girlish” and becomes 50-year-old Church Lady.
12. Lace. See Ruffles. And too much lace can make you look like a doily. Hard to be taken seriously when you look like you should be draped over the arm rest of Great Aunt Agnes’ couch.
13. Mom jeans. High-waisted, pegged legs, medium blue wash, in heavy denim with pockets that add 10 lbs to your waistline. If they’re available at a “Mart” and you paid less than $20, you’ve found them.
14. Mom jeans with white sneakers. Nothing screams “I just want to blend in” quite like this combination. Throw in a boxy, oversize top and mall hair, and you’ve nailed it.
15. Heavy pantyhose in “Nude” or “Skintone.” I’ve never seen real skin in those colors. If you must wear nude pantyhose, go to a store for a brand that offers more than light, beige, or oompa-loompa suntan, and doesn’t come in an plastic egg or a baggie.
16. Fanny packs. Yep, get all dressed and cute, then slap a large pouch of tent fabric around your hips. Very “country tourist in the big city.” And almost anything will perform the same function without looking like your ass has grown a goiter.
17. Square cable-knit sweaters. Great Grandma Moses. Are these still around? Excluding your “Ugliest Christmas Sweater” contest at your office (and understanding that these are unflattering and frumpy before you bedazzle them with light-up rhinestone Christmas trees), these should be given away immediately. To someone you don’t like.
18. Matchy-matchy. Bags and shoes that match. Sweater sets. Eyeshadow and clothing. It’s dated and uninspired. Shake it up a little. And have fun!
I have long been and anti-advocate of elastic waistbands. They are exactly what is wrong with the world!!! Now, can you give me the strength to get rid of all those shorty length sweaters from the 90’s??!!!
Laura, it gets worse. Overalls are back! :)
I agree with most of your list! But, I encourage you and Laura to get out and see some of the new designs on the market. There are some slimming pants now with elastic waistbands which are flattering, stylish, and NOT frumpy at all…I am sitting here at work in a pair right now. I also love my silk jogging pants with the elastic ankles, I have a pair on in my current post on my blog. they are flattering, stylish, comfortable and not for the gym. Sometimes it just takes going in the dressing room and trying new things on . If you feel frumpy and old, don’t buy it. If you feel stylish and confident and it communicates the messages you desire to communicate, then get it! This is a great conversation for Boomer ladies to have…thanks for keeping it going. Tomorrow on Midlife Boulevard I will be giving more guidelines for purchasing pants!
Thanks, Pam! I’d love to see some of those options. The ones I’m talking about in the post come in sweatshirt material, or God forbid, some kind of polyester windbreaker fabric! Yikes! :)
I so need to clean out my closet, now I know the ruffle shirt has to go!
Elizabeth, just the big floppy ruffles or the tiny “Little House” ruffles. One makes you look like a player in a theater stage production, and the other like Laura on Little House on the Prairie. Both hard looks to pull off after 20! Clean them out and go shopping! :)
Once again you nailed it out of the park…but now I have to clean out my closet!!!
Thanks, Rena! But just think, you’ll have to replace all those things. We can’t be having “too much closet space!” :)
Crap – I just wore the mom jeans/white tennis shoes yesterday. And my niece did say, “Aunt Donna, we need to take you shopping.” Thanks for the laughter and the advice!
Donna, you crack me up! And “Out of the mouths of babes…” :)
That’s hilarious, Donna! This entire article had me laughing out loud, Vikki… I’ve had so many of these items in my wardrobe (admittedly never Mum jeans – eek!), but I’ve been through it several times and had a clear out. The local charity shop must love me – time for another clean out, so they can have another bag of clothes…
I think I passed your test, although I do have a little bit of lace on one or two shirts. Great list!
Jennifer, a little lace is pretty and can be kind of sexy. I’m talking full-on, the entire outfit is a lace doily! Hard to wear at any age. :)
Love your list Vikki. But, I still like my leggings with elastic waists. They are so comfy!
Thanks, Nancy! I wasn’t referring to leggings. Their fabrics are usually finer, and so you avoid that dreaded “scrunching up” of heavy sweatshirt or canvas-type material around your waist (guaranteeing a visual 5-lb weight gain). I love my leggings too! :)
Thank goodness you clarified the elastic waist issue because my menopausal mid-section will not allow me to wear button up pants and actually feel like I can breathe.
That’s why I no longer wear waisted pants, Tess. I have a short waist and long legs, so to get a better balance, I always wear pants and skirts on the hip. Much more comfortable and it makes your bottom look smaller as well, because there’s not such an expanse of fabric over it (I learned that from Trinny and Susannah). It’s too hard to get a good fit through the hips if you try and accommodate a little (or not so little) pot belly or a thick waist – or love handles, for that matter…
My fave what-not-to-wear over 50 is those long flowing top and skirt combos that make you look like a refugee from Ubekastan hearding some goats. I’m in favor of pencil skirts, slim pants and classic European look. Never seen a frumpy woman in Italy or Paris
Dee, I’m still cracking up over “look like a refugee from Ubekastan herding goats”! Thanks for the laugh!
I would add scrubs to that list after seeing my 80 yr old Gramma in a pair for Easter Dinner this past weekend. Sure they were a nice pink Easterish color, but 3 yards of fabric elasticized over a non-existent ass with a single ginormous pocket is not a flattering look.
Vanessa, pink scrubs to Easter Dinner?? I think Gramma has a little rebel in her. I like her already! :)
Thanks for the funny start to a Monday! Glad I threw out my fanny pack years ago!
Thanks, Lana! Those stupid things don’t even look good on men. The only time they’ve made any sense to me is on ski patrollers, to pack meds and first-aid stuff down the mountain. Otherwise, there are so many other cuter options! :)
Love the list. I passed and you made me laugh. However, my favorite of the entire Blog visit are those two gals at the top. That little hussy in her sassy sweater! Ha!
Kimberly
FiftyJewels.com
Thanks, Kimberly! I agree with you. That’s one of my favorite photos ever! :)
Whew! I almost made it. Mom jeans got me. Or what someone told me were Mom jeans. I’m not good with the low-rise jeans, too much muffin at the top. But I don’t want them at the belly-button either. Mostly, I avoid jeans and tennies when I go out in public.
I’m with you, Adela! One makes me look like an aging soccer grandma, and other squishes any extra fat or skin I have up and over the top (and let’s not even discuss the low-rise-butt-crack epidemic!) When I find a brand of jeans that doesn’t do either, I buy 4 pair. :)
Oh gosh! I’ve been carrying around granny bags with lots of compartments. Funny thing is, I can never find anything in them. Better lose the elastic waistbands too. Great tips!
I know, Rebecca! I’ve always noticed that no woman who carries one of those can ever find anything! I prefer to just upend it all into a large, easy-access tote bag, and then dig for it! :)
You’ve painted some vivid and scary pictures here, my friend. And I agree; nobody should be rocking the Amish schoolteacher look outside of Lancaster.
Thanks, Lizzi! I love that you stopped by to comment! :)
Geez, I meant LINDA. My brain is fried today. I left my house key in the front door lock, forgot my cell phone, and dropped my tote bag down the stairs at my office, upending all the contents all over the stairwell. It’s only fitting that should screw up a blogger buddy’s name! :)
Hysterical! Very good advice…..
Thanks, Terri!! :)
These are all spot on! Especially the pantyhose. Do they even make those anymore? If they do, that company needs to be told to retire that line!
Kirsten,
I think Hanes still makes them, but L’Eggs are mercifully unavailable anywhere in our little town! I remember wearing their “Suntan” looks (many, many years ago). I don’t know if anyone in that company ever saw an actual suntan, because they looked nothing like real one. Just dark and kind of orange. But we wore them! (They were particularly sexy in knee-highs!) :)
What does one wear if she has fat, pasty legs and varicose veins? I have a navy and whit dress I love but wouldn’t dream of bare legs. Help this Irish girl.
I have a couple of offenders in my closet I must get rid of!!
Haralee, Don’t we all? :)
Thanks a lot. Now I’m naked.
That’s funny, Corie! I think I’d limit myself to online shopping until you hit the mall with your new clothes on! :)
Bad bras. OMG. Bad bras. I haven’t worn hose in soo long …since retirement!
Carol, bad bras are the worst! No support for the swinging sisters! :)
I cannot honestly say at my advanced age my attire is not on that list………..whew!!!
Nonononono. I CAN honestly say
Whew – I passed the test! I own none of the bad clothes. Except for my yoga pants, which I actually wear to the gym. And sometimes to Target. Well, maybe I didn’t pass. But I’m still in my forties, so I have time to learn, right?
Dana, you made me laugh! And every woman needs at least one pair of yoga pants! :)
I held my breath all the way through thinking “pleaseohpleaseohplease do NOT let my clothing be on this list.” I’m relieve to see that I pass. Well, except I might have one blouse that qualifies as tiny floral print and I do have those snazzy elastic with a drawstring yoga pants for at home…but not too bad, I guess!
Lisa, I’ve tossed one of everything on the list, which means at some point, I must have bought it! :)
a pup tent says, “I’m fat, but I’m hoping you won’t notice.” … kitchen wallpaper in the old farmhouse … High-quality, statement belts do not come as a gift-with-purchase … High-quality, statement belts do not come as a gift-with-purchase …
You have such a way with words! And you never cease to make me smile! (usually when I most need to!)
Thank you for your rare brand of humor. I just love your writing!
Thanks, Parri! That just made my day. I love your writing, too, my hilarious friend! :)
I pass with flying colours – woo hoo! To be honest, I’ve never owned any of those things and never plan to either.
May I suggest another one to add? Short puffed sleeves – the ones that generally, though not always, gather into a narrow arm band. I remember how horrified I was when they started showing up in women’s clothes a few years back. All I could think of was sleeves on little girls’ dresses. That’s where they should’ve stayed!
I don’t mind not looking fashionable when I’m at home working or relaxing but I want my grown sons to be as proud of their mom As I am of them.
LOVE the blog … my particular favorites are #6, #8, and #18. Good advice for ALL women!
I avoid clothes for old women, I dress young and people tell me I’m 25 years when I’m nearly 50! How is that! my boyfriend Mario Only wants me to wear Italian shoes, Italian clothing and leather Italian handbags and I look classy and hip. Not old