Recently, over tacos and icy margaritas at our favorite local taco wagon, Hubs and I (and everyone else) overheard an argument between a young man and his wife that went from zero to 60 the instant he blurted out, “God, you sound just like your mother when you say that.” Obviously this wasn’t a compliment, because she looked horrified and burst into tears. As she got up to leave, he smithereened any hope of working it out in the immediate future by calling out, “Sorry, I was kidding. I keep forgetting how sensitive you are.”
Hubs grinned and winced, “Ouch. That poor idiot.” The rest of us were thinking the same thing. Idiot guy better hope his mother hadn’t yet turned his old bedroom into a workout studio, because he was going to be sleeping at Mom and Dad’s for the next few nights.
All couples fight. You simply can’t put two people in the same house for years on end and expect them to agree on every little thing, with neither of them ever, even inadvertently, saying or doing something stupid. One of the most important components in any relationship is the ability to suck it up and apologize when necessary. Apologizing is rarely comfortable or easy, but like most social graces, it can be learned.
Sometimes the best way to understand what works is to know what doesn’t.
1. Don’t shift the blame. “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive about your weight,” or “I’m sorry you don’t understand that men aren’t programmed to remain faithful.” This is the worst way to apologize since the dawn of mankind. You’re telling her that she’s the problem for getting pissed because you screwed up. Now you’re fighting about two things instead of one. Good strategy.
2. Don’t use the word “but.” Ever. “I’m sorry I kissed your best friend, but she came onto me” is whiny and weak, suggesting that your only offense is the inability to resist temptation. So what you’re saying is that you’re a cheater with no balls.
3. Don’t overcompensate. “I’m sorry. I’ll never speak to that woman again” is stupid if “that woman” is her sister or works in the same office as you. This isn’t a solution. She knows you’re just blowing her off and done talking about it. Think of this one as the “white elephant” of apologies. Until you address it, it will always be in the room. And in the bed.
4. Don’t dismiss it. “Sorry.” Or worse, “My bad.” Monosyllabic, non-explanatory apologies are thinly veiled attempts to get her to shut up and get over it already, and she knows this. Trust me, it will come up again, and your next fight is going to be a doozy.
5. Don’t deflect. This is usually done with sarcasm. “Gee, I’m sorry. I’ll be sure to ask next time before I go out drinking with the guys until midnight, just in case you had other plans for me,” often accompanied by an eye roll. You’re saying it’s her fault for being so demanding and asking that you let her know if you’re not coming home at the expected time. Fine. But the next time you stagger home drunk and seven hours late, be prepared for her to be out. And don’t bother looking for a note.
6. Don’t blame the alcohol. After age 20, “I was drunk” excuses nothing. Alcohol releases inhibitions. It doesn’t change who you are. If you’re a douche when you’re drunk, you’re probably just basically a douche, period. Now she has two reasons to drop-kick your loser ass out the door.
7. Don’t play dumb. “I don’t know what I did wrong, but whatever it was, I’m sorry.” By the time two people have been married for several years, each one knows exactly what sets the other one off. “I know you’re upset because I forgot our anniversary, and that’s important. Can I make it up to you this weekend?” goes much further towards reasonable discussion than behaving like a child who denies eating all the cookies while his face is covered with chocolate. Man up, buddy.
8. Don’t use the word “if.” As in “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings when I laughed at your cellulite.” or “I’m sorry if I insulted your dog.” “If?” We’ve spent the last hour dissecting what you did, and now we’re back to if you actually did it?? Bite me, jackass.
9. Don’t apologize via cutesy email or, God forbid, a text. Because nothing says “I’m really, truly sorry I was a total tool and I did something stupid that hurt you” than a free e-card with animated puppies or a shorthand phone text that says “Sry babe. Dnr out 2nite?” Leave these methods to the 20-somethings. If you screwed up like an adult, apologize like one.
So what do you do when you’ve done what you did?
1. Acknowledge the offense and accept responsibility. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell that waitress I was married and not interested.”
2. Provide an explanation, not an excuse. Explanations provide a rationale for what you did. Excuses are juvenile reasons why it wasn’t your fault. “I went to the strip club with my buddies because we were all drunk and it sounded good at the time” is better than “I wasn’t the driver, and that’s where everybody else wanted to go, so what could I do?”
3. Express genuine remorse. Anyone who has ever been on the receiving end of an faux apology knows it when they hear one. A simple, but sincere “I’m sorry” can melt the most unforgiving heart.
4. Offer a solution that prevents it from happening again. This one is a biggie. We need some reassurance that the offense won’t become repetitive. “From now on, I will filter my comments at any function with your family, and I’ll avoid any mention of your Aunt Bitsy’s uncanny resemblance to her pot-bellied pig.”
One of the best apology notes I’ve ever read summed it all up:
“I apologize for decking your ex at your office Christmas party. He was hitting on you and I overreacted, which embarrassed you in front of your boss and your co-workers. I apologize, and promise it won’t happen again. Next time, I’ll go over to his house. Love, Hubs.”
Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?
You are spot-on, Vikki. As always!
PS My mother once bought me a craft that was a board, basically, with a mirror on the side and these words were painted on it: “Mirror, mirror, on the wall. You are your mother after all.” I love my mom, but my husband knows to NEVER say that to me!
Thanks, Cathy! I love my mom, too, but somehow “You sound just like your mother when you say that” never comes across as a compliment! :)
Excellent tips. And I do feel sorry for that guy, he has a lot to learn!
Thanks, Ana! We did, too. I wanted to tell his wife to give him time. He looked about 24, and you’re right, he has SO much to learn. :)
You covered this perfectly, Vikki! How do I know? Because I believe I’ve heard every one of these so-called apologies at one time or another. LOL. I truly love that you included a 2nd list showing how to properly apologize … and I know just who I want to share this entire awesome post with. :D Thank you!
Thanks, Marcia! I think we all learn by experience. Sometimes our own, and sometimes from each other. Having said that, every once in awhile, it helps to give them step-by-step instructions! :)
Great one Vikki, as usual! I wrote a post of a big screw up my hubby made when we hadn’t been married to long. It seems any man with some amount of intelligence figures it out rather quickly unless they have an especially comfy couch! I know mine did!
Thanks, Rena! I always assumed if a man was raised with sisters, he’d at least have a clue about how women think, but I guess they don’t pay attention until it matters (like when they get a wife!) :)
How you make me laugh! How could everyone around the guy not laugh at him? Poor girl.
Thanks, Haralee! I love that you laughed at this! And yes, that poor young man has much to learn… :)
Amazing. I got the non-apology apology (#4: “Sorry”) just this morning! And I wanted to punch.
Sarah, tell him the general female population says all thumbs down on the “Sorry” response. That makes it worse. Every. Single. Time. :)
I’m thinking about making my husband memorize this post. Haha.
Ha ha! Good luck, Michelle! Mine hasn’t even read it, and probably never will. I just give it to him in baby steps over dinner… :)
First, I just have to say my mouth dropped open at the guy’s comment about sounding like her mother. You just never say that no matter what the relationship is. Wow. The rest, perfect.
Thanks, Liz! In his defense, our young man looked about 22. He’s got many long years to learn how NOT to talk his way out of a squabble with his wife! :)
Absolutely loved this post… This are precisely the tactics that are used to death. Thank goodness more women are catching on…I hope the young lady you mention at the beginning of the story catches on and finds her a ‘good one’ like you did Vikki!
Thanks, Stephanie! I’m hoping maybe the young man’s mama stepped in and guided her son back to his wife with a sincere apology and some flowers. And chocolate. :)
Perfect on every level. I have to admit that I’m guilty of using some of the deadly terms.
“Fine” – usually as an answer to the question, “Are you ok?” And by saying “Fine” I really mean, “Of course I’m not OK and if you really knew me or loved me you could see that and figure out what’s wrong.”
And when I use the term “Wow” it is usual followed by … rather than !. I think it better reflects my complete disdain.
Mo, that’s when Hubs knows I’m headed towards a volcanic eruption…when I just look at him and say “Wow.” He almost always remembers several errands that he has to run RIGHT NOW. :)
Best one yet! This essay should become a handout in every marriage counselor’s office!
Joan
Thanks, Joan! What a great idea! Although I think the women are going to be more pleased to see it in the waiting rooms than the men. :)
Vikki,
This is great stuff. I even felt the anger reading what was said. Honestly, learning to fight fair with some positive outcome is a very difficult thing. I have been married almost 54 years and we are still working on it. Thank you.
Thanks b+! 54 years?? That’s awesome! You must have some great advice for the rest of us. Would love to hear it! :)
Hi Vikki! Oh you are a SMART woman! These are all great. And I so agree that when you’ve lived together for any length of time and ARE STILL TOGETHER you learn that it is so important to apologize. And my favorite is to show a little remorse while doing it…the fake ones go only so far! ~Kathy
Thanks, Kathy! And you’re right, an apology with a little remorse thrown in for plausability can end most fights pretty quickly. It’s harder than it sounds, though, for both genders! :)
Great reminders no matter how long you’ve been married!!
Thanks, Caryn! Maybe I should have chased down Baby Boy after his wife stormed out and took the car, and given him my notes on a napkin for this post. Might have helped him get back into the big bed a bit sooner! :)
Vikki where were you when I was dating Asshats? Could’ve made things get better so much faster.
Shannon, Every time I read about “Asshats,” I’m laughing before I get past his nickname! You crack me up, girl! :)
Hahahaha… I love how your Hubs ended his note.. Your examples to the wrong answers are priceless.
Thanks so much! I’m loving your blog, btw. So happy you stopped by and commented! :)
Women…nature’s Rubix Cube. Lol.
Ha ha, Don! We’re SO easy. I little wine, a little chocolate, a little worship…We’re good! :)
Yes! Every single one of these–yes!
Thanks, Shay! It’s interesting that WE all get it, and THEY’RE still confused! :)
Just read this post to The Man and we both chuckled. 20 years of marriage has made us wiser. That young man will figure it out eventually. Great post. Thanks for the laugh.
Thanks, Jennifer! Glad to hear you shared this with your guy, and that he enjoyed it. That makes me happy! And I, too, believe young grasshopper will learn… :)
Perfect! And whoever came up with the phrase “My Bad!” Should be punched in the nose without an apology. I hated how everyone used to go around saying that. Also “It is what it is!” Anyhow, all your priceless examples reminded me of one of my favorite I Love Lucy episodes:
Fred Mertz: She said my mother looks like a weasel.
Lucy Ricardo: Ethel, you apologize.
Ethel Mertz: I’m sorry your mother looks like a weasel.
Ha! I get a kick out of that one every time. But I laugh uproariously at your posts, Vikki!
Stephanie
Thanks so much! You just made my day! And I remember that episode. Still cracks me up! :)
#7 drives me crazy – “whatever I did, I’m sorry.” No way! You should know what you did; you’ve known me for almost 25 years. I’m pinning that graphic because it is hilarious and true.
Thanks, Dana! Seriously, do these guys think before they speak? :) After the first 10 years, there’s no excuse EVER for “Whatever I did…”
I feel like I need to apologize. To whom and for what, I don’t know. BUT DOES THAT REALLY MATTER? Please, somebody accept my heartfelt apology. I acted stupid and callous and selfishly. I don’t think I can ever make it right, but I will spend the rest of my life trying! Or at least the rest of this comment. Which can’t possibly last much longer because I am getting crushed under the weight of my shame. Which I deserve!
Jeff, BOOM. And that’s how it’s done. This is damn near perfect! Your wife is a lucky, lucky woman! (And welcome to the Humor Posse. You do know we’re all slightly insane, right?)
Hi Vikki,
I loved this! My ex did all 9 of the sorry comments and sorry to say (OH no I’m not) that he did none of the four to be accountable. Needless to say, that my dear is why he is my EX. I’m truly not sorry. Life is good. I loved this one so much dear, I am going to share the heck out of it. K?????? If not, just let me know….say something like, “Um….sorry, but….” Kidding! =P
Irish
Wonderful reminders Vikki. I may have to post this in my counselling office when I do marriage counselling. I especially liked the #8 “Don’t use if.” If’s send me into a fit almost instantly.
Thank you Vikki
Dana