Hubs and I were out to dinner one evening with another couple, and we got into a hilarious debate about who spends more money, men or women. It was all fun and games until my friend’s hubby announced (a bit pompously), “Well, I make most of the money, so I should be in charge of how we spend it.”
The silence that descending on the table was thunderous. She looked at him and simply said, “Wow.” Oh, this was bad. Bad. Hubs leaned over and whispered, “Grab the check and let’s get to the car before there’s bloodshed.” Doing the adult version of Dine-and-Dash, we quickly dined, paid the bill, then dashed out to the car to avoid getting hit by falling shrapnel.
Marriage experts tell us that almost all couples fight. No matter how much in love you are or how averse either of you may be to conflict, it’s just not possible to be together day after day, year after year, without disagreeing about anything, ever. But marital fighting, like any sport, has rules. These rules are designed to keep a fight that started about why you’re never, ever supposed to squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube from evolving into grounds for an expensive, protracted divorce, bankrupting both parties and reducing Saturdays to parking lot exchanges of the kids at McD’s.
Postpone your arguments. In other words, take a breath and agree to talk about it when tempers haven’t gone from zero to sixty in under eight seconds. Nobody is going to fight fair when one of you is bawling, screaming, or threatening to Bobbitt the other person’s reproductive regions.
Allow time-outs. Hey, it works for kids. Go to your corners, go for a run, or go check your email. But for the love of God, do not go on Facebook. The universe does not need to know that Hubs is currently being an all-star jackass and you probably should have married his best friend, Brad, and furthermore, he recently got hair plugs. Remember, you will love him again, but if he sees that post, he might not feel the same way about you.
Don’t “kitchen sink.” Try to stay focused on the disagreement at hand. Arguing about how he forgot to feed the cat this morning is not the time to rehash, for the 147th time, his spontaneous and embarrassing drunken karaoke rendition of “I’m Too Sexy For My Shirt” at your company Christmas party.
Don’t involve other people. “I think you’re a idiot, and so do all the women in my book club” is virtually guaranteed to escalate even the tiniest spat into a full-on body contact sport.
Listen to what your partner is saying. This goes past not interrupting. It includes passive-aggressive, non-verbal responses. If you’re looking for a smackdown, drag ’em out fight, throw in a little eye-rolling, yawning, or smirking while your partner is talking. It’ll get you there before you can run for cover.
Have a list of topics that are off-limits. If you previously forgave him for sleeping with your college roommate the week before your wedding or for running over your beloved Chihuahua last Christmas and not exhibiting the appropriate amount of remorse, these are on the “Never-Never” list. Your partner has every reason to cry foul if you bring these up, even “just as an example” of how he’s acting like a horse’s backside, again.
Don’t ask for a divorce (unless you really want one). This is a difficult bell to un-ring. Most people don’t blurt this out without it having ever crossed their mind. So now your partner knows you’ve been thinking about it and the possibility exists at any sign of trouble in the marriage. It’s difficult to maintain confidence in the marriage during hard time you’ve essentially announced that you’ve got one foot out the door, waiting until that inevitable day when he’s pissed you off just one too many times. Be careful what you ask for. You might just get it.
Don’t insist that you’re not angry, when you obviously are. You’ve been slamming doors, exhaling deep, martyred sighs, and replied to every comment from your partner with stony silence or monosyllabic grunts. Unless you’re on your first date and he thinks might just be your personality, he knows you’re ripping mad. So now you’re going to have the original fight, plus the one you’re going to have about the way you fight. Grab some wine. It’s going to be a long night.
Avoid the use of “Whatever,” at all costs. Years ago, “Whatever” used to imply that you were laid back, agreeable to pretty much anything, and just wanted everybody to be happy. But when you’re in the middle of a standoff , answering “Whatever” to any question is going to be interpreted to mean “I don’t give a crap anymore. I’m done even trying to talk to you. This conversation is over.”
With these guidelines in mind, Hubs and I had recent tiff, during which he huffed, “I’m really pissed at you right now.” He looked so Grumpy Cat, I did the worst possible thing. I burst out laughing. “I can see that,” I grinned, “Do you want a divorce?” “WHAT?? No!” he shouted, looking horrified and insulted. “Well,” I said, “That means that you intend to forgive me at some point. If you’re going to forgive me later, why don’t you just forgive me now and save of both all that unnecessary stress?”
As he slammed the door, I heard him mumbling something about “hating you just a little bit right now.” Oh, look. His truck is peeling out of the driveway. That must mean we’re taking a time-out.
Yep, we’re good.
I think that’s a perfectly reasonable suggestion—-forgive you now! But when you’re mad, sometimes it’s fun to be mad for a little longer!! jodie
So true, Jodie! Some days, we just need to lick our wounds a little longer, even if we know we’re going to forgive. Humans are weird. :)
Good practical tips! I like the term “kitchen sink.” Been there, done that (and been the recipient of that). So unproductive. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Karen! I think kitchen-sinking is more common than we know. I’ve had several responses on social media that we’ve all either done this or had it done to us. Interesting! :)
I really do think that we big people forget the benefit of timeouts from each other. Now if I can only give myself a timeout from… Myself sometimes I’m on my own damn nerves :-)
Too funny, Carla! I’m glad I’m not the only one who needs a selfie time-out every now and again! :)
You are too funny! Hearing other people fight, it is the worst!
Thanks, Haralee! And I agree, must people bring their fights to the restaurant?? I’d rather they brought their ADHD toddlers! :)
I’m uncomfortable when I hear other people disagree. If they were to descend into a fight? Yikes! My motto is: “Cooler heads prevail”. Take that break. Come back when the steam has stopped hissing from your ears.
I’m with you, Diane! Especially if they’re shouters. If you’re going to fight in public, keep the volume as low as possible, and for the love of God, don’t duke it out on your cell phones! :)
Great advice for us old, married people. My husband and I both work from home and it works most of the time. But we have our arguments. Who doesn’t? Witnessing other people fighting? Yup, I would have dined and dashed too!
Cathy, that kind of time together just lends itself to an occasional “clear the air” skirmish. Totally normal and healthy. But in public? Ouch. :)
Excellent advice that I am probably unlikely to take when I am in the throes… however, I do not involve other people or FB rant about it… my fury stays in the family!
That’s funny, Renea! And I agree, good advice can be tossed out the window if we’re in the throes of an emotional exchange. That’s when “take a breath” comes in handy! (Of course, I don’t DO that most of the time!) :)
Great advice for every couple. I also love how you add humor to even serious subjects”
Thank you, Nora! Happy that you enjoyed it and commented! :)
First of all, I love the photo. May have to steal it. ;)
Witnessing someone else fighting will get me out the door quicker than anything. My baby brother lived with us for a while and one night my husband and I were arguing, probably about whose turn it was to walk the dog, and my brother walked in and said, “Whenever mom and (step father) argue I get scared but, when you guys argue it’s hilarious!”
That pretty much sums it up at our house.
b
Thanks, Barbara! I agree, this has always been one of my favorite photos. Help yourself! :) (And our son says we should sell tickets to our fights. They’re vaudeville routines!)
Interesting post! Nothing like a good ‘whatever!’ when you’re lost for words. Used to have spectacular rows in my younger years but not now. We put no pressure on each other for anything at all and it works for us. Ok, so I tut every now and then but that’s extreme :-) Good advice here which would probably be useful for the 30 something brigade who have not yet realised how short life is.
Thanks, Gilly! You’re right. We should have all known this at 30! :)
All great points for sure! Posting arguments is my personal favorite. I like to wait until the storm passes before confronting. lol
I agree, Carolann! I’m sure we’d make a lot fewer bad decisions if we’d just give it a beat! :)
You left out, “Never argue in the kitchen,” (too many sharp things.) :P
My husband and I NEVER fought (seriously, never!) and I really think that contributed to the downfall of our marriage. I now realize that fighting is necessary but, you’re right, you have to fight fair.
My wonderful boyfriend has taught me that you can get mad at the one you love and it doesn’t mean that the relationship is over. In the first two years, I broke up with him four times instead of just telling him that he really pissed me off. I’m getting better at it and, more important, we are teaching my kids that you can still love each other after a fight – – even if you lose!
Fight rules? That’s so grown up. I Gotta talk to Hubs …