When Kenny and I were approaching our 5th wedding anniversary, he announced that he wanted to renew our vows. “It’s too soon,” I explained, “Nobody thinks 5 years is really a landmark.” “It is to me,” he replied, “I’ve been married twice before, and both marriages went belly up at the end of the 4th year. So to still be happily married at this point is a record for me!”
Notwithstanding the validity of that statement and the fact that it wasn’t exactly a ringing endorsement of marital fortitude, I silently agreed that something celebratory was called for, so I decided to have some fun photos taken. Since Kenny loves all things retro and vintagey, I thought he’d like a series of pin-up, 1940’s-style cheesecake pics. More Rita Hayworth/Jayne Mansfield, less Playboy porn star (I was 50, after all).
I wasn’t comfortable calling up the nearest local photographer (I could hear him laughing, “You want me to make you look like what??” Or, as my mother used to say, “Honey, only God can make a tree.”), so I called one of my best girlfriends, who’s a fabulous amateur photographer, and she immediately offered to help.
Our first task was to get some pin-up style clothing. A few calls to some girlfriends resulted in an astonishing array of costume changes that made me feel like Cher at the Forum. (Apparently vintage cheesecake has a surprisingly mass appeal to the over-50 male set. Who knew?) Next, we Googled “WWII pin-up photos” to find pics we liked that we thought I could pull off. Then we waited until Kenny was gone (working with Pam’s husband, who was instructed to CALL US when Kenny left for home), and with costumes in place and Google shots on the kitchen counter, we got together at my house for our first session.
Lying on the floor on my back, legs straight up and arms overhead (classic cheesecake pose), Pam tells me to “look sexy.” All attempts for me to say “Come hither” with my eyes resulted in Pam dissolving into unrestrained merriment, choking out, “You look like you need to pee. Try again!” 2 hours and a bottle of wine later, it was obvious that I’m singularly lacking in “bedroom eyes,” but we carried on.
Somewhat later, we got the obviously wine-induced bright idea to use Kenny’s Harley as a prop. Sort of a military-salute-on-a-motorcycle theme. The only problem was that his Harley was in our overcrowded, gray garage. Although Pam had a PhotoShop program that she was going to use to soften the backgrounds, remove shadows, and even provide a little technological nip/tuck to my shape, there were limits to what it could do. PhotoShop wasn’t going to help the garage. We needed to move his bike. Into the house.
Desperately hoping the neighbors were not home, I backed my car out of the garage to get to Kenny’s bike and dashed back into the house, wearing nothing but a military-style jacket, fishnets, and high heels, while Pam rolled his Harley into the living room and down the hall, into the bedroom, where the other pictures were taken. She pushed the back and I steered the front, until Kenny’s beloved Gold Wing Low-Rider was snuggley parked in the master bedroom.
Two more costume changes (and another bottle of wine) later, we were having a ball. (One of my favorite shots was simply me doubled over laughing, which we put in the final series. Kenny loved it, saying “THAT’S you!)
Then the phone rang.
“Kenny’s on his way,” Kevin reported. “ETA, about 20 minutes.” OMG. As I scrambled to change back into my yoga pants and shove all the evidence under the bed, Pam turned the Harley around and started to roll it out the door, where it got stuck. As in WEDGED into the angled doorway. As in NOT MOVING. (“Hi, honey. How was your day? And btw, your Harley is stuck in the bedroom door. Don’t ask.”) Watching the clock, we frantically pushed and pulled, pushed and pulled, until it shot forward like a champagne cork (with only minimal door jamb damage, which I could explain a half a dozen ways) and we wheeled it into the garage just as Kenny’s truck pulled into the driveway.
Two weeks later, Pam brought over the “improved” proofs. They were FABULOUS. My legs were longer, my tummy was flatter, and my boobs were back up where the Good Lord had intended them to be. My only concern was that Kenny would take one look and ask, “Who is this??” But I proudly presented him with the framed photos on our anniversary, and he was delighted. (God, I love men over 50. They’re half blind. He shows them to more people than I’m quite comfortable with, but at least I’m not in a bikini. Yeah, that would be embarrassing.)
Then a family member saw them a few weeks later, took a long look and announced, “Wow, someone PhotoShopped the crap out of these, eh?” Well, ouch. What the hell. Years from now, when I’m dead and gone, my grandchildren will find these and say, “Grandma was hot.”
I hate having my picture taken…I always end up looking like a drunk Bigfoot on crack.
God only knows what I would look like, but then again photoshop does create miracles!! But seriously awesome gift and loved how you said someday your grandkids would think you were hot, lol!!
Lovely post. Photoshop can be amazing. I’m sure you’ll treasure these photos.
I always feel so much shapilier, younger, fitter than a photo reflects. I like looking at myself from the inside out so much more than looking at a photo (shopped or not.)
Did you immediately cut that family member right out of the will?! ;) Seriously, the Harley stuck in the door is HILARIOUS! And I think I speak for all readers when I say that not showing one of those photos on this blog post was an opportunity missed! ;)-Ashley
When, oh when are you going to write a book-your stories are hysterica! Or better yet, a sitcom!
What a great idea-and a great story to go with it! I’m surprised some of your neighbors didn’t get a little curious with you dressed like that taking a motorcycle in your house. I’m a little disappointed you didn’t share one of the photos to go with the story. Thanks for smiles Vikki!
Loved this! Normally, I would rather have a pap smear than have my pix taken…but I am trying to get over this…and YES PhotoShop is a gal’s best friend!
I was psyched up, ready to see the photos. Come on, don’t leave us hanging.
That’s what I was thinking! This is too funny. We’ve gotta see these uplifted boobs you’re talking about :)
Thanks, Moms! Glad you liked the post. And trust me, these uplifting boobs are not for public viewing! :)
OMGawsh … i just LOVE you. A much needed laugh xxx
Love it. I don’t like to have my photo taken But in 93/94 my son did a photo shoot at the Columia Gorge Hotel. I looked beautiful in my Civil War Ball gown so much I couldn’t beleave it was me no photochop. And one of the photos one first place everywhere he showed it. But my one photo that great is where I was place on the front of a playboy magazine. Blonde hair tat showing. An sent it to my son. I would have loved to seen the look on his face. I know it was priceless.
Ha! *Snort* “Only God can make a tree.” LOLing.
I don’t know how to use Photoshop so my pictures are pretty raw. They NEED to be photoshopped!!!
Stopping by from THE Collective Social Blog Hop to say hi. Thank you for linking up. Have a fabulous day!
xo,
Janise
http://MamaInHeels.com
OMG, I loved everything about this post! “And btw, your Harley is stuck in the bedroom door. Don’t ask.” And then the part about men over 50 being half blind…and THEN the photoshopping the crap out of them. Vikki, you are HILARIOUS!
I would need *at least* as much photoshop at 36! But can’t believe you didn’t share a photo or two :)
I love Photoshop. It saves me every time.
I LOVE IT!!!
You’ve inspired me. ;)
Now to find a Harley, some fishnet, & a bottle of wine.
I want to see the pictures!!!!
So funny! I was SOOO patiently scrolling down and waiting till I was done reading to see a pic and was sad to see no pics:(
You know we will hound you until you post pics. You can censor them by blurring areas like they do on Survivor when a butt crack or nip is showing. Lol
You are a brave woman. I would never touch my husband’s motorcycle…
How fun!!! The thing I love about the pin-ups of the 40’s is how the girls are just smiling, not trying to look seductive at all. They’re just, “Oh, the skirt/ladder/chair just caught my skirt and now my panties are showing, but ‘Cheese!'”
What a fabulous idea! Also, I’ve been told I’m photogenic, but I CANNOT work the bedroom eyes. CANNOT!!
I love it! I tried doing something like that once… It was a disaster!
How sweet of you!! OOh….I do want to see the photos too!! What an awesome story!
Wot no photos? I love your blog, on dreary days it brightens the world… On bright days I laugh till the tears roll down ( sometimes on dreary days too! ) who says growing older us no fun?!
OMG – no picture?!? lol You’ve got to show us one after that hilarious story.
I think we need to see the pictures…
The last two paragraphs, girl, you make me crack up!
I love love love having something about me that will leave a lasting impression on my kids and grandkids. Now you’ve given me great inspiration. Heck, how to find a friend to take my photos? None are close by now that I’ve relocated about 80 states away from them all!
I love that you did this! I have always wanted to. Maybe after I have pooped out #3 and…. eh…. who am I kidding? I will love me some Photoshop!
Bahaha … that’s hysterical. I have always thought of doing some kind of tasteful boudoir photos.
Brian and I are celebrating five years married {10 together} this year so you just gave me a thought! Thank you :)
¤´¨)
¸.•*´
(¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo
Raising-Reagan.com
Thank you for linking to Raising Imperfection.
Please come back Friday to see if you were featured. :)
¤´¨)
¸.•*´
(¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo
Raising-Reagan.com
That is such an awesome anniversary gift!! I’m definitely putting that into my idea bank for a day when I’m happily married. Love it.
hahaha oh I do hope I can remember your mom’s ‘only God can make a tree’ and remember where that credit is due! I wish I could see the pictures, you’re beautiful so I’m sure they were amazing with minimal Photoshopping even needed!
“You look like you need to pee.” The only shot I could manage to make look sexy, is the one I wasn’t in. I never fail to make the most ridiculous face right before the shot. Goofy is far more me. My five year anniversary is this Fall…I laughed very hard at the thought of doing something like this. Thank you for sharing! Here from HV. Cheers!
Awesome idea Vikki and I LOVE 1940’s pin up art, can actually imagine me doing this for Hubs – you have inspired me! I know you’re not sharing the pics *sigh* so I wont ask. And how rude is that family memmber to point out the photo shopping? All the best have it done darrrlink, all the best.
Kenny is so lucky to have a hottie like you by his side. ;) Can I get the number for your photoshop magician? ;)
This was great! The Harley getting stuck really just brought it home for me. Too funny! And the pin-up style, the younger guys like it too. Classic.
No way would I be able to do that without the many bottles of wine! I am willing to be the someone that said they were photo shopped was in their 20’s?
The entire I am reading this, I am trying to figure out how you were going to explain the oil/gas stains to Kenny. Never imagining that the bike would get lodged in the hallway!
I am also picturing a very LONG time from now, when you are waked and he gets revenge by making a photo collage of the gag reel :)
Great story! You guys sound like you have the most fun marriage! :)
HAHA this is hilarious! Especially the Harley wedged between the door. I’m happy to have found your blog through the I Love My Post Hop and I can’t wait to follow future adventures!
xo, Hima
P.S. I just started a blog and joined the cool kids club. I’d love for you to swing by and leave me a comment with some feedback! Thank you so much.
Hima Hearts
You never fail to make me laugh. This is hysterical. I thought for sure you would be explaining the bike stuck in the house. lol
Thank you for linking up to Raising Imperfection!
Make sure to check back on Friday to see if you were featured.
Leslie
http://www.violetimperfection.com
I love being the one that takes all the pictures! Hate being in the pictures. Thank you so much for sharing & linking up at Thank You Honey’s Whatever Wednesday Party!! The party goes live every Tuesday! Let’s connect by adding me to your G+ circles or follow me on Twitter, Facebook, & Pinterest as I already did with you!
Cheers
Sarah
Vikki, this is a great story! And you’re a true story-teller! I did a boudoir session for my Hubs while he was deployed last year. I definitely did not have fun like this! But they turned out well, PhotoShop and all. ;)
what a fun and sneaky idea! Thanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up.. and happy 5th anniversary.
Keep in mind that there isn’t a picture of anyone in a magazine who hasn’t be photoshopped up the gazoo. I’m sure your little “tweaks” were tiny!!! As for your family member, perhaps he/she meant the background.
Love this, I would love to get photo shopped! And you are right, the grandkids will be astonished when they look back and see how hot you were, priceless. I just stopped by from the MY Favorite Post Weekend Blog Party. So glad I did :)
Great post!
Wow! That was a hilarious read! I must admit to really wanting to see the pictures when I finished though. :)
Thanks for linking up to Raising Imperfection this week while I’m a co-hostess! Please come back to Mommynificent on Friday to see if you were featured.
Have a magnificent day!
Tina
Visiting from Ahola Friday. I’d like to invite you to my Friday Flash Blog, where you can share your best blog entry of the week! The party goes on ALL weekend at thejennyevolution.com. And who knows, you may just get featured next week.
How fun, and LOL at the Harley!!! I’m sure you were totally not LOL’ing at the time!! I saw you featured at Leslie’s, and she’s right, you made me laugh. :)
hilarious! You need to post the pics!
Hysterical! My little sister (little as in 5’1″) rides a Harley and I kept envisioning her trying to get it up the stairs of the garage and into the house for pictures! I am SO going to suggest it! Just stopping by from the GRAND Social Linky Party. thank you for sharing and for making us laugh!
LOL this is such a funny story. Boobs back up where the ……to be..You are one funny lady :)
I really want to see them now though.
well where the heck are the pictures?!
Good for you! for taking a risk. And good for Kenny for wanting a reason to celebrate!
As for the family member who brought of up the word ‘photoshop’ may the picture at the funeral be…no I’m not going to be ugly. Rudeness is all on that person.
Smiles,
Linda Joyce
ROTF! How did I miss this one?!? The BEST day EVER! As Vikki’s friend and “The” Photographer, I just have to say this was the most fun I have ever had shooting anyone! Vikki, did you forget about the young boys whose Frisbee “accidentally” ended up on your roof, three times? Bahahaha! I thought I was going to have a stroke getting that bike back in the garage before Kenny pulled in! Seriously though, photoshop or no photoshop, you are beautiful and always hilarious. That’s just one of the things I LOVE about you and spending time with you. “Laughing until it hurts!” Oh, and I agree that this post could use at least one image to share and I’m pretty sure I know which one! So say the word and I’ll send it right on over to you Vikki! Love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Laughlines are my favorite wrinkles!
I loved the whole thing, but the last two paragraphs just slayed me. (Photoshop or not, you’re a hot grandma for sure!)
Great story and what a fun gift for your husband. And yes, I totally agree that photoshop can’t hurt now and then. And YES, men over 50 rock for the reasons you mention and more!
All I can say re the hoped-for grandkid reaction: I discovered a cache of photos of me as a young mom. As my Grands giggled over the sight of their parent as baby, toddler and school kid, one Grand focused on my face in the photos and said to those around her: “Oh look, she WAS pretty.”
It did not make me feel good about the here and now.
Well, ouch! :) It always cracks me up that our kids and grandkids think we’ve always been “this old!”