Researching my weight loss program options for 2013, in yet another enthusiastic but short-lived attempt to lose the same 10 pounds I’ve been working on since 1974, I did a quick review of previous epic fails.
1. Jenny Craig. Tastes great, but portioned for a small gerbil. Jenny’s Fish & Chips dinner entree would be more aptly named “Fish & CHIP.” Kenny tried to take a bite of my breakfast sausage once and I burst into tears. This plan is not for couples who like to share.
2. Nutrisystem. Worst. Food. Ever. I should have clued in on the foil-wrapped entrees. Very space shuttle, with taste to match. Sorry Ms. Osmond, but I couldn’t get hungry enough to eat this food.
3. HCG Drops. Supposed to make your body think it’s pregnant (Who THINKS of this stuff??) Since I gained 65 pounds during my only pregnancy, this gets perilously close to what my son calls “Mom’s dark place.” Then I saw the 500 calories/day plan associated with the drops. 500 CALORIES PER DAY?? What do you do after breakfast? Sigh. Back on the shelf for you.
4. Low Carb. This one works, if you can live without bread. And rice. And wheat, potatoes, pasta, most fruits, ice cream, desserts, fried foods, or alcohol. Yep, that’s right. NO RED WINE. Positively uncivilized. And 3 days into it, I would have cheerfully traded my beloved Paco for a bagel. Buh-bye, Dr. Atkins.
5. Weight Watchers. Undeniably successful, if you like to spend your days searching recipes, grocery shopping, planning, cooking, counting, and charting your progress. Not for the uncommitted. Or for those with a job.
This was getting discouraging, until I discovered an online article that reported higher weight loss by people who wrote down everything they ate during the day. WTH. Even I can do that. Happily printed off the form and started my food diary the next morning.
Breakfast: 2 slices bacon, 2 eggs, large cinnamon roll. Lunch: Nachos, extra guacamole. Afternoon snack: Peanut M&M’s. (Hard to actually count, since they were in a bowl, but I did skip the nasty blue ones.) Dinner: Homemade lasagna, garlic bread. (No space provided for wine, so assuming they weren’t asking for that.) Bedtime snack: Bowl of Lucky Charms with milk (skim…not like I’m not trying).
2 days later… Well, this is stupid. All I got was hand cramps from writing, and I didn’t lose an ounce. I think I just have a slow metabolism.
My love of food and gluttony defeat every diet attempt I’ve ever made.
Loved it Vikki and sounds about right as far as dieting goes here, too!!!
My feelings on weight loss are this: Make sure everything is in moderation and get outside and move around more. That’s really it. Instead of having a huge thing of lasagna or whatever, make that smaller, and get yourself some salad too. Then again, I’m one of those crazy vegetarian types, so….
I think I have one of those slow metabolisms too ;)
My dad’s diet plan for me was to sew my lips shut. LOL Mom tried hiding all the good stuff….it just made me a better snoop. If you were meant to lose those 10 pounds, God would have taken them from ya. ;) So, don’t turn your nose up at a gift? :)
I had success with Weight Watchers, but I can’t afford to pay for it every month. I’m no good at keeping track of calories/carbs/fat myself, because I can’t get psyched to keep track of all that. A friend sent me to MyFitnessPal.com and it seems to work just like WW, but for free. I really haven’t changed much about how I’m eating (yet, anyway) but I can see where my downfalls are, and that’s helping me to make little changes. Might be worth a shot? :)
Slim-Fast, yo. It’s not very good, or filling, but you get used to it. I still eat a normal dinner and snack, and I still drink wine.
same 10 pounds since 1974
don’t I know it!?!?
I’m starting a 3 day juice cleanse today. Stay tuned for a blog post from hungry me.
I can’t stop laughing. I mean TEARS are streaming down my face kind of hysterical laughing…then I called Ashley to read it to her on the phone because she is away from the computer. You have NAILED it!! Oh, I love this!!
The paper trail really works! As long as you don’t start lying of course. I had to keep track of everything I ate for a while to try and root out what foods were making me ill, and I found that looking at a piece of paper that listed every single thing I ate during a day made me eat a little less. Because, good lord, that could have fed two people.
You know what else is great? A fitbit. It tracks your movement for you, the online program keeps track of weight and measurements (if you want to), and I’m pretty sure that it works with MyFitnessPal and other sites like it. When I was actually keeping track and wearing it all the time, I lost almost 20 pounds, without trying to hard. It motivates you to eat less and work more when it’s down in black and white just how much you’ve been eating and how little you’ve been moving.
Hahahaha Vikki!!!! You basically just summed up everyone’s lives in post
Like Emelie, I say everything in moderation. I’d go crazy if I deprived myself of things. That being said, I can easily skip over the fried stuff. It’s the treats that are trickier to refuse.
Funny post!
Very funny! I am currently trying to lose weight and feel your pain!
This was great…I am so not a diet-er. I once tried slim fast to try to fit into a bridesmaid dress…I was on that diet for maybe one day and I was ravenous and ate everything in sight. Needless to say, the dress was rather snug.
I have this theory that skinny people are pudgy people who can’t cook. Here’s to being a good cook!
You know, I think you’re right. Once I learned how to cook, those extra pounds showed up.
I heard a lot of both good and bad things about almost all of the above mentioned programs, but nothing can replace a good cook and moderation :>) Great post!
LOL! This is toooo funny! I’m actually on Weight Watchers for the second time around and it really isn’t THAT bad! LOL!
1974. I was 102. Never wanted to be fat. 2013 now at 192. Ugh. But I could be worst. In the last year have lost 62 lbs. An not the same ones. :). How. Don’t know. But I have tryed everything thing on the list. I call my diet the coffee diet. All I can drink. No room for food. An lots of fishing trips. Had lost a extra 10. But found it between Halloween an New Years. Opps.
Haha. I LOVE your explanations. You’re too funny!
I did MediFast and lost 80.1 pounds. The .1 pound was unfortunately my gall bladder.
I think your synopsis of each diet is spot on and funny too! Laughing uses calories right?
Vikki…. not one day goes by that I don’t look forward to these… LOVE THEM!! You are sooooo entertaining… I wish that I lived closer cuz I think we could have a whole lot of fun!! Keep on writing, girl… Love, love, love it!!!!
I know how you feel!! I did try MyFitnessPal and lost 15 pounds, then all of a sudden I gave up and have no clue why. I gained back 10 of the 15 I lost. I keep telling myself I’ll go back to it, just haven’t yet… maybe someday soon.
No way could I do Atkins, and WW and Nutrisystem are too expensive for my taste.
I have rode the weight loss rollercoaster all the time. I too have been trying to lose that dreaded last 10 pounds since… well… last summer when I decided I really liked the taste of wine. I have since then come to the conclusion that my body is where it wants to be and if you don’t want to look at it… that is up to you! But I do like a good workout so I guess I got that going… how many jumping jacks to work off a bottle of wine?
Ack!!! I loved loved loved this!!! And I can relate…completely.
And another thing… diets make me constipated. TMI? I could go on, but I’m new here.
OMG…what a hilarious post woman. It’s all so true and frustrating. I feel the same way and when I deprive myself I only want it more. Therefore I am eating what I want and trying in smaller proportions.
Oh Vikki!!! I am so excited and thrilled that the Dose Girls are seeing how amazing you are and sharing it with their loyal readers!! YAY!! This is absolutely hilarious. I subscribed to your blog a few weeks ago- and have yet to have the time to take in some of your LOL!! Can’t wait- this was the push I needed! Keep it UP!!! :) (One of the bloppies here)
LOL. Hilarious! I have tried each one of this weight loss method in your list. I can totally relate. :)
Oh, Vikki! I love this! I think I’ve tried every one of those diets too! And really, what DO you do after breakfast when you are on a 500 calorie per day diet???
This is hilarious! That no carb thing would make me go off the deep end. Who comes up with this stuff?
Vicki I love this post and completely agree!! Thanks for a well needed laugh!!
This is absolutely hilarious and SO TRUE!!!! HCG drops is the worst idea ever. And I’m with you on the wine. If the diet says no wine, I say no diet!
FAB-U-LOUS! Why must it be so hard?!?!
This was so hilarious, I had to share it on my Facebook page! thanks for the belly laughs this morning!
Found you via my gals at The Dose of Reality. I seriously LOL’d because I so have thought on all these “plans” and come to similar conclusions. I cannot do “fad diets” or trends. I just subconciously find ways to break the rules. It’s terrible. The only thing that works for me is cutting out processed foods and baking/cooking from scratch, making informed choices when I eat out/at friends’/family’s houses and making sure I only eat when I’m truly hungry. Even then, it’s hard for me not to cheat…which is probably why I’m struggling with my weight. *sighs* One day I will get this weight loss thing completely right which means lifestyle change, not a diet, just probably not today, but I’ll keep trying!
All I can say is its a good thing I run because I like food WAY too much!! There is no way I could do a diet like this. And if I wrote stuff down I might feel bad about it. So no need to do that either. Haha
LOL! I think a lot of us have a slow metabolism. What is up with those HCG drops? I didn’t even realize they were to trick your body into thinking it’s pregnant. I had a hysterectomy so I don’t think it would work for me. Phew!
Good luck with those 10 pounds. It’s probably just baby fat. I have that. Three kids will do that to you. :)
The Dose girls sent me over and they are right-this is hysterical! Maybe you can just laugh off those last 10 pounds!
I always recommend weight watchers, it works! Came over from the Dose Girls
You are so right! I’ve done WW a few times and after the second week, I’m exhausted! So much writing and planning and counting. There must be a better way!
I came here from The Dose Girls, I’m glad they sent us here I love your blog!
This is crazy, because I JUST started food journaling today. I have been away from MyFitnessPal for so long I forgot my username. I ate so much yesterday, if I had attempted to write it out, the list would have looked like a manuscript, and I would have been battling hand cramp myself. Pass the lasagna.
Hilarious! And I’m pretty sure I couldn’t even keep breakfast under 500 calories. My mom is on Weight Watchers and it’s just perfect for her because she likes being organized and weighing food. It takes all kinds, I guess.
Coming over from the Dose Girls and I have to say that this is just priceless!! LOL I can agree with you on all of it…there is no perfect plan, its just about exercise and eating right – lean meats, low calories, and smaller portions…that works and you can do it!! But love this!!
Found you through the Does Girls! Love your post about Dieting! Laughed do hard when you said Kenny tried to bite your Jenny Craig sausage and you burst into tears! I feel the same way when I’m dieting!
OMG this is so great as a 44 year old foodie who is just not gonna give up her wine habit you hit it right on the head
Laughing so hard I spit my tea through my nose. A perfect description of dieting!
Too funny…I came over through the Dose Girls and so glad I did! Writing down everything you eat is for the birds…or just people who don’t have enough other things to do with their time!
I think I love you.
Ehem. Hi, I’m Andrea. A friend of the Dose Girls.
And now I can tell you I love you. ;)
Thanks for the much needed laugh. Try tracking on a phone app. As if our phones weren’t already connected to us by a vein. It’s fun times. I can vouch for it. Nice to *meet* you! Can we be besties?
This is great! I always rationalize buying Ben and Jerry’s Phish food, because I get the frozen yogurt version. But seriously, 1000 calories later, if you can finish the whole pint like I can, is it really a better choice? Hahaha, great assessment of these diet fails. Funny post!!
It’s good to laugh at this stuff…or else we’d all be crying! I’ve been doing a lot of reading where the blame seems to lie in all the processed foods and all those added chemicals and other nasties. Do you know how impossible it is to give up EVERYTHING processed??? I think I’m just going to go with slow metabolism, too. Pour me a glass of wine, will you? ;)
“Weight Watchers – Not for the uncommitted. Or for those with a job.” Ha ha! So true.
Good for you for skipping the blue M&Ms. That’s a healthy choice right there. And the 2 days you wrote out your food diary? Lots of calories burned there while earning your hand cramp!
This is hilarious!
I just try to eat less processed foods which means I will NEVER give up junk food or some processed foods because that’s just not living but I definitely have started eating a whole lot cleaner.
Keep in Touch(ed),
KG
http://www.kgstyleinc.com
As usually, laugh out loud funny. And I”m dying to know – did you find the answer to how many WW points are in a bottle of red wine? That would be useful to me! LOL.
I don’t know – stepping away from the blue M&Ms AND using skim milk on your Lucky Charms? How many more sacrifices should we be expected to make?
How did you get a copy of my food diary? Magical.
Reading as i munch on my apple turnover from Arby’s….yummy
Ha! This is exactly why I don’t bother with diets. :)
Yes it is definitely the slow metabolism. I did the write down your food method and my hands got really in shape, it was fabulous!
The only thing that works is a time machine that will bring back youthful metabolism.
Or eating lots of kale.
Both unrealistic for me.
HA! yeah- dieting sucks. PERIOD. I think you should come up with your OWN diet, one that we could ALL follow Vicki!! DO IT!
And this is why I will never go on a diet. EVER. I like food way too much.
I’m with Michelle – none of those diets are ever going to work for me – I would rather just ran a few more miles or do another workout.
BAHAHAHA! OMG that was friggin hilarious! I did Atkins after my youngest was born and it did work. I felt like crap but it did work but who cares about feeling good when you can rock a size 8. LOL!