You know those stupid board games that have questions you need to answer truthfully, or lose a turn? Yeah, the ones that invariably turn an amicable evening out with family and friends into a war zone of hurt feelings, bathroom brawls, and an occasional divorce (although to be fair, you didn’t HAVE to truthfully answer “Have you ever had an affair?” C’mon people, it’s a BOARD GAME. TAKE A PASS.)
Kenny and I were discussing the possibility of moving out of town after the house sells, and he said, “But I’d miss mom and dad. What about you?” Feeling the honesty that comes from 3 glasses of wine, I sighed, “I’d miss Brunhilda.” “Who’s Brunhilda??” “She’s my seamstress.” “Your WHAT?” “My seamstress.” “That’s the most shallow thing I’ve ever heard.”
Maybe. But he’s a GUY. They just hold up something from the rack, say “Looks good. It’ll fit,” and throw it in the cart. We’ve got curves. And bumps. And waists, and hips, and butts. And if you’re like me, the boobs are one size, the waist is another, and the hips simply need to go elsewhere…preferably on someone else’s body.
Brunhilda is my 78-year-old, 220 lb. German seamstress, with fingers of gold (a little nip here, a little tuck there, shorten this, lengthen that), and a stern, no-nonsense demeanor. I love her. She doesn’t always love back, but she can make a Hawaiian muu-muu flattering, so yes, if we moved away, I would pine for her.
So yesterday, we’re in the dressing room in her little shop, working on a dress that I was struggling to get past my hips, and I commented that probably losing a couple of pounds might ease the fit. She looked up at me and replied, through a mouthful of pins, that I could “just try a sit-up or two.” Ouch.
Chagrined and a little miffed, I wadded up the dress and told Brunhilda I changed my mind. As soon as I got home, I pulled it out and decided to fix it myself. Go into the bathroom, pin up the hem and mark the hips to ease the side seams, then stand up on my tip-toes as far as I can to check it out in the mirror over the sink. In a blinding flashback to my ballerina-dropout days, I topple over, stabbing myself with the pins, bleeding all over my what used to be my hottest dress, while attempting to prevent a faceplant on the counter by grabbing the towel rack, which promptly disengages from the wall, crashing to the floor in a tangled heap of fluffy towels, metal rods, and Sheetrock. Well, crap.
Now on my way to Safeway to get a You’re-Right-I-Was-Wrong-Please-Take-Me-Back floral bouquet for Brunhilda. There’s a 24-Hour Fitness on the way. Maybe I have time for a few sit-ups.
Vikki, I think we all need a Brunhilda, especially after having kids, lol!! but seriously, I get it and totally can relate :)
Another gem, Vikki! I am a man, so no seamstress needed. But there’s this guy at the cafe who moves through life with the confidence and grace of jaguar. He really is amazing to watch. I want to do everything like this guy smokes his cigarette. I’d miss him were we to move away. But most of the people I call friends around here, eh, maybe.
I’d love a seamtress to miss! My waist is a size smaller than my thighs and hips, always have to pull my jeans in with a belt. Can totally relate.
You are my favorite cartoon character.
I would love a Brunhilda. Hope you’re not too wounded from the experience!
Oh Vikki. Always look forward to your posts. I’m sure I must get looks here at the cafe. What is that goofy looking woman smiling and laughing about? It’s only Wednesday!
Story of my life. (Not the seamstress thing, I’m not that classy, but the falling thing) Whenever I try and make myself look hot, something inevitably happens to make me look like my naturally awkward and foolish self.
Good one I could be my own seamstress. But I’m still into jean an T’s haven’t worn a dress in yrs other then a Civil War one that I made.
Seamstress? People still have those? Post made me laugh, even if I couldn’t relate. So , thanks for the laugh!
You have the funniest stories, though I am NOT laughing at you. lolol. But, I have to say that that would be me in the mirror falling over, trying to avoid the faceplant or in my case a sprained ankle because they get wobbly on my tip-toes. Yeah, I can’t do high heels, either. My feet beg for mercy and I have to appease them. :)
LOL! Seriously, this is hilarious! You are hilarious! OMG.
I would refuse to move away from my hair colorist. I can’t imagine what it would take for me to do that. My natural shade of brown hasn’t come naturally out of my own scalp for at least 10 years. I totally feel you. Hope the flowers worked!! ;)
I hope you’re having a great week my dear!
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I heard eating crow was all the rage in the diet circles for 2013. :) Loved this, it reminded me of my grandfather; who just happened to be a German tailor in New York until he ran away from the family business. Next time, maybe Paco could help? :)
Brunhilda reminds me of my OB/GYN who basically told me I should get a tummy tuck (since my few sit-ups were not working). Still, I love her and even though we moved out of the city years ago, I still trek back in to see her. After I gave birth to one of my kids (can’t remember which one), my father walked into my hospital room as my OB and I were chatting it up. After she left the room, my father said we reminded him of two close girlfriends gossiping and then joked, “I thought you and her were going to make plans to go to the mall next or something.”
Oh no, I can see me just doing that face plant into the counter. I would also need a transfusion from all the pin holes in my butt. I hope Bruni takes you back. Maybe bring cake with the flowers?
I would Love a seamstress. In fact, I just blogged about how poorly my clothes fit the other day. How did you find her? I never see ads for seamstresses.
I need a Brunhilda in my life.
I probably need some sit ups, too, but I am too comfortable in this cushy chair to think about that right now.
“I’ll miss Brunhilda”. This is why I love you. I’d miss Brunhilda too and redo her work for her, fail etc.
Hahahaha! Funny stuff. I’d miss Brunhilde too. She sounds like a keeper!!
I have to know, did she take you back? I need to do a few sit ups. Or get a Brunhilde. Not both.