Enjoying the warmer temperatures and anticipating upcoming spring weather, I took a look at my all-black closet and decided to go do some spring shopping for a little color. My plans took a slight shift when Kenny announced he’d like to join me, but then I envisioned a few new purchases, with a stop for a glass of yummy red wine at whatever outdoor cafe (okay, bar) that we found along the way, so we hopped in the car and headed for Portland.
Scratching my original plans for a leisurely, day-long stroll through my favorite boutiques (Kenny’s shopping style is more “get in, buy it, get out”), we hit the mall. Lights, noises, food courts, and miles of brightly lit windows featuring hot colors, shorter lengths, and summer fabrics.
Found a store we liked, where I grabbed a few colorful pieces and a swimsuit, and happily headed for the dressing room, imagining my trendy summer style. 15 minutes later, the day was going south on a luge. The cute pink jeans wouldn’t budge past my thighs. Seriously?? I peeled them off and checked the size. Yep, size 8. Apparently that refers to my knees, not my hips, because those suckers weren’t going all the way up in this lifetime. Tossed them over the swinging door in a disgusted heap and grabbed the shorts (yeah, THERE’S a good idea. If the jeans don’t fit, try the shorts). Hopped up and down trying to heave-HO them up far enough to button the waist until I finally squeezed the snap shut. Oh. My. God. I looked like a giant banana-nut muffin. And when did my thighs start jiggling?? They didn’t jiggle last year. But there they were, in all their white, tanless glory, shaking like jello shots to the beat of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun blaring over the loudspeaker, which wouldn’t have been so depressing if I hadn’t been STANDING STILL.
I looked up to see Kenny poke his head over the door, smiling, “I found a few pair of jeans for myself while I was waiting.” “Did you try them on?” I asked. “Don’t need to. They’re a 36. They’ll be fine.” “Hating you just a little bit right now.”
In my final act of desperation, I grabbed the swimsuit (one-piece, skirted bottom, very 40s pin-up retro, and black. Could work). Size 8-10? Yeah, if you live in Taiwan and your fit model is a 12-year-old BOY. I looked like a weiner dog stuffed into a tube top, with skin squishing out at both ends. By now I’m in tears, and Kenny is calling through the door, “Is there anything I can get for you, sweetie?” A hankie, I sniffled. And a gun. Meanwhile, the 14-year-old anorexic salesgirl, with impossibly long, firm legs, chirps out, “Don’t worry, ma’am,” (ma’am??) “It’s not summer yet. You still have time.” To do what?? Lose the same 10 pounds I’ve been working on since 1974? Oh shut up and go eat a cheeseburger.
We bought Kenny’s new jeans and left my new clothes, along with the last shred of my self-esteem, on the dressing room floor. On our way to the winery, Kenny suggested a quick stop at Safeway for a few essentials. At day’s end, you’ve got to love a man who watches you toss Milk Duds, Hot Tamales, Fig Newtons, Ice Cream Sandwiches, Lucky Charms, and half a dozen bottles of wine (10% off with 6!) into the cart, while wailing the entire time about how hard it is to lose weight, and who has the good grace (and natural survival skills) not to say a word.
And this is why I hate shopping with my husband for clothes. Between the rushing me and then making me feel fat, no fun for anyone. Much rather go it alone that deal with that trauma, lol!! And loved your grocery cart items. Seriously, got to have Lucky Charms! :)
Best post ever!! The end made me burst out laughing, because that is honestly when you know you have a great hubby! :)-Ashley
A hanky. And a gun. Snort. Cheers to that, and pass the Milk Duds this way, too!
I hate trying clothes on! I usually do online shopping and deal with the hassle of returns that way instead of the dreaded dressing room blues. Pass those Milk Duds here.
First of all, the title of this post alone made me choke on my coffee with laughter, so well done.
Second of all, you’re beautiful, so tell all those “sizes” to go frack themselves and be happy with you! Kenny definitely is! :)
I feel your pain. You know what’s great about Milk Duds? They are so easy to pop in your mouth as you walk on the treadmill.
Thank you for reminding me why I hate the mall, and bathing suits, and clothes shopping, and mirrors, and (fill in the blank). But I do love those little retro 40’s numbers with a skirt- covers up a multitude of sins.
I know exactly how you feel. Thank goodness we married well, right?
OMG – Yes yes yes!
Gah! I have been there…more often than I care to admit.
Karen
I’m so sorry, but I had to read the paragraph about the salesgirl saying, “Don’t worry, ma’am…it’s not summer yet. You still have time” aloud to my husband because it made me die laughing. I DO feel your pain, I really do, but my gosh, you cranked out a hilarious post about it. That paragraph was genius.
Why is that sales girl still breathing? Or was she to begin with?
LOL. Shopping for new cloths is not my thing. But if U read on most packaging of candy etc most say. FAT FREE. So when Kenny does say anything point that out.
I went swimsuit shopping a couple months ago. We shall not discuss this situation. I hate how the stores lie about my size. Geesh… and the styles. They should know better than to let me try something so unflattering. UGH!
I HATE to shop…probably because they make a size 8 way smaller than they used to and that’s bullshit. Loved this post, I can SOOO relate. I haven’t worn shorts in a few years. Every spring I think about working out, then am relieved when fall comes and I can cover my MT (muffin top…it sounds better when I don’t actually say the words) with my wooly sweaters again.
I never shop with my husband – ever! He is the same as yours. I can’t even look at something for more than 10 seconds and he is ready to move on so, I always clothes shop alone for myself. I can stay longer, admire things I may or may not try, endure dressing room lines 1,000 times better than he can, and I don’t have to listen to things like “Can we go now?”
I made the mistake of taking my 6 y.o. daughter into a fitting room with me. Nothing like having someone else point out, very loudly, that obviously you need to get a bigger size to make you hate yourself.
Luckily (?) I’m pregnant so I get to enjoy the summer in maternity suits and beach covers with no questions asked.
Found you via Honest Mom.
hhhhhhmmmmhmhmhmhmhhahahahaaaaahahaaaaaa! I was blessed that Charlie never wanted to go shopping with me! Oh honey, didn’t you know the sizes are changing…not us?
There’s no such thing as a good day for swimsuit shopping. If you’re sad, it’ll push you into the depths of it, and it’ll ruin an otherwise pleasant day.
This is EXACTLY why I hate shopping with the Hubs. I love your ending paragraph, too. LOL! Great post!
Thanks for linking up with Honest Voices!
I’ve given up ever looking slim and trim again. The flattest my stomach will ever look is when I’m lying in my casket on my back. Now, instead of imagining what it would be like to be skinny, I imagine what those others will look like in 20 years when they get to my age. Hell, I’m looking good! lol Great post!
I hate shopping for clothes period, but bringing my husband along is like asking to be tortured.
That is why I NEVER go clothes shopping with my husband. Everything always seems to “fit” him – no matter what size he is. Women’s clothing is never consistent – I don’t really care about what the tag says if it feels, fits and looks good on me…..but apparel designers need to get it together and follow one sizing system!
I totally understand this! I always feel like if the first thing fits, then everything will fit. If the first item doesn’t fit, it’s all down hill from there. Hope you get your leisurely shopping day soon!
Hilarious! A husband with grace – there’s something to feast upon!
After looking at my stomach and my upper arms intently over the weekend, I decided today would be the day to begin the exercise regime I abandoned as soon as I could put a heavy sweater on. I did 13 minutes and am now considering a visit to the emergency room. Great post. Stopping by on the blog hop.
This past weekend had me wondering how much longer I can put off wearing any of the most likely ill-fitting spring clothes in my closet… it’s been a long winter!
Hysterical post, found you via I don’t like Mondays,:)
Ha ha. I’m on a “food program” right now and after this post, it makes me want to just quit. I miss my Milk Duds, Hot Tamales, Fig Newtons, Ice Cream Sandwiches, Lucky Charms, wine and beer!
I always vow to starve myself -but it doesn’t seem to ever work out…plus I currently have 5 boxes of girl scout cookies in the drawer!!! It’s impossible!!
Very funny post, I can totally relate and thus have not even thought about shopping for spring clothing!
Oh, I love it. Because that’s my life. I too wonder why my summer clothes are so unflattering as I finish up a cadbury cream egg. Great post to share with honest voices!
I’m actually the “zip in and zip out” one and my husband takes forever to shop. I can’t stand it. I hate almost everything I try on so I don’t bother. Like someone else said, I do a lot of online shopping so I can wear the clothes a bit and see how they look in different mirrors and different light around the house. The fluorescent lighting in most stores messes up my skin tone and makes all colors look horrible on me.
I stopped looking at the sizes. They are different for every manufacturer so it’s impossible to say you are one specific size. And I have my favorite jeans in 3 different sizes, so I always have a pair that fits perfectly!
Men never have to try on clothes. Why??? My husband is no good at shopping with me either, simply because every time I show him something he says, “That looks great.” Every. Time. sigh….
Awwww, been there, barely survived. I feel for you. I hope you enjoyed those milk duds!
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Leslie
Love that potato!!! How perfect!! and sad :(
I am going to go eat old Easter candy now….
Forget it, I’m not even gonna bother. I know what’s been in my fridge all winter…..when you live in yoga pants you start to lose perspective.
LOL … I absolutely can relate to this! I hate shopping with my husband. He makes me feel rushed and clothes never fit the way I want when I want them to!
What an awesome man you have there…
and a smart one too!
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Looking for a bathing suit is the worst. I’ve decided I’m now only buying a good (i.e. expensive one) b/c they fit better and make you look better.
Girl, can I get an amen? That was great and true for me too. So many quotables…”going south on a luge” was stellar. I’m a little proud of myself today. After I jammed myself into my jeans and lamented my reflection in the mirror, I had the good sense to order the salad when my husband took me to Bobby’s Burger Palace. And I actually enjoyed the giant mound of lettuce they handed me. I’m sure the burger my husband got was horrible. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Pass one of those bottles of wine over here. ;)
Genius! Loved it!
lol! How funny! I can soo relate!!! Thank you for linkin with my ladies :). I’m a new fan of your blog!
Jessica
The Wondering Brain
That’s my husband. He’s a good boy! Sometimes I want to whack him for not saying anything. LOL. Love this post.
The last time I bought a swimming suit, I was 16. I won’t tell you if I gave up going to the beach, or if I’ve opted out for late night skinny dipping with a COTM. ;)
Vikki, you never cease to cause me to laugh out loud. I LOVE your descriptions. And I don’t have a favorite because they are all so damn funny! And Kenny is a smart man. Mine hasn’t learned that it’s better to just shut up. :D But, I think he secretly likes the ass whoopings he gets.
Thank you so much for linking up with our Humor Me! Blog Hop! You one funny lady! :)
Funny post – as always.
We men have it easy when it comes to losing weight, following a discovery I made last Christmas. My daughter bought me a onesie and took a profile photo of me. The word “obscene” does not do it justice. Since the 25th December 2012 I have lost 17 pounds.
A onesie: A fool-proof slimming aid for any man (and probably for any woman over the age of 30 too).
I know what you mean about happy hubbies oblivious to your waistline but overjoyed by your shopping cart. I’m thankful mine looks like a potato too.
Oh, man! Does this hit home on sooooo many levels. I do not ever shop with my husband. He always says he doesn’t go shopping, he goes buying. Ten minutes, in and out. It’s disturbing! I remember when dressing rooms used to be my friend. Now they just make me want to crawl back in bed with cupcakes.
I SHOULD know better than to drink coffee when reading your posts, but I lost it with this priceless universal thought “Oh. My. God. I looked like a giant banana-nut muffin.” Too funny. I am so glad we’re still snowed in NE PA and that season for trying on snowsuits is sooooo far away. Maybe all that shoveling will polish up my look for that size 8, lol?
So funny! I hate bathing suit shopping. But I do need a new one this year.
“Oh shut up and go eat a cheeseburger!”
Bwahahaha. I would have had that exact same thought. I’m already a big girl so clothes buying is not a wonderful experience. My husband will say I look fantastic while I stand there ready to cry as I bitch about everything wrong. Sometimes I’ll eventually agree with him and buy a shirt or a pair of pants but often times I’ll just storm off in a huff. Being a woman is freaking hard.
You have a great guy, Vikki. I’ve pretty much given up swimsuits. Wish you better luck.
“Oh shut up and go eat a cheeseburger.” Thanks for writing what so many of us are thinking! I hope I get to meet you at BlogHer. I’m 51 and relate to so much of what you say. LOVE. YOUR. BLOG.