Boobs, hooters, melons, muchachas, sisters, or the girls. One website claims to list over 250 nicknames for the female breasts. We dress them with lace for date night. We smush them into immobility with a spandex sports bra to go for a run. We search endlessly for the perfect fit that holds the team up there without causing trampy levels of cleavage at our granddaughter’s piano recital. And we try to remember to give them a fondle from time to time for anything we didn’t see or feel on the last inspection.
But what do we know about them?
I was online cruising and found all sorts of fun facts about these often-misunderstood body appendages that seem to have a mind of their own. Did you know that the world’s largest natural breasts measure 70″ around, 43″ under, and would be a size 48V? Each side weighs 56 pounds. Each. Side.
There are eight different types of nipples. Good to know.
A 2013 study reported that men who prefer large breasts are often financially insecure. I’m not sure where to go with this one, but it might come in handy if I’m ever in the dating pool again.
Four million new bras are produced every day. Wow. All that, and I still can’t find one I like.
Scientists have never been able to figure out why human females have full breasts even when they aren’t breastfeeding. Science tell us that all other primates’ boobs deflate when not in actual use. I would submit that ours do the same thing. It’s called “middle-age.”
26 years ago, the average women wore a 34B. Now she’s buying a 34DD. Same rib cages, bigger cha-cha’s. So are we getting bigger boobs (undoubtedly due to a male-discovered mutation) or are we stuffing our bras with gel cookies? Anyone?
85% of women are wearing the wrong size. (Well, if we’re claiming to be 34DD and we’re actually a 34B, that would explain that.)
65% of woman have one boob that’s larger than the other. And it’s usually on the left. Boy, science gets right down to it.
Nipplegasms are a real thing. You’ll have to Google this one yourself.
Bras, as we know them, have only existed since the 20s. Ida and William Rosenthal, from Maidenform, created the first version of what we wear today. Until then, women bound their chest with cloth or bandages. Thank you, Mr. and Ms. Rosenthal.
Boobs are made up of milk and fat. If you’re not lactating, they’re mostly fat, ligaments, and connective tissue. These ligaments lose their memory yarn over the years, and like a over-stretched rubber band, eventually resemble wet sock puppets on a clothesline.
And my personal fave: Studies show that male cognitive functions diminish after they see pictures of large breasts. I’m thinking this would be the perfect time to show Hubs the fabulous, but wildly expensive, and no-they-weren’t-on-sale boots you bought last week.
The most disturbing fact I uncovered is that our boobs age faster than the rest of our body. Awesome. But it got me to thinking about the lifeline of our boobs as we age.
The early years: The only boobs we formally recognize belong to our mother. For the first few years, we look just like our young playmates, and being naked from the waist up at the pool is totally acceptable.
Ages 10-20: We go from Just sprouting. What do I with these? to When am I going to get my first bra? to Hell, yeah, I’ve got boobs. By the end this decade, we also become aware that boobs have mysterious powers over men.
Ages 20-30: By now we’re “fully growed,” and these things are great. Men love them. I feel sexy. I buy bras simply for their added sex appeal. I kind of feel sorry for older women who need granny bras. Good thing that will never happen to me.
Ages 30-40: They’re still reasonably perky. But is that a stretch mark? And why does the right one look larger than the left one? Maybe I just need a different bra.
Ages 40-50: Definitely seeing the effects of gravitational pull. What the hell is happening, and how do I stop it? Saving my lacy “do me” bras for the bedroom and scouring Nordstrom for “full coverage” bras, with the occasional push-up cookies for date night. That ought to do it. Yeah, I still got it.
Ages 50-60: Seriously?? The sisters are headed south with the determination of migratory geese in the winter. Summarily toss all bras without underwire to get them up, side panels to shove them forward, and padding to make them look fuller. All this, and I still look sexier in the bra than out of it. Naked is not an option.
Ages 60-70: “Sexy” is no longer a consideration. Bras need flak-jacket construction. My bras are on a mission, with a job to do. When they no longer perform, they get replaced. I’m The Donald of bra buyers. “You’re fired” applies to every bra that isn’t built to withstand gravity and six decades of poor lifestyle choices.
Ages 70+: What bra?? I wear a boob belt.
And I still got it.
Hubs and I live in a little one-story house, right next door to a guy who lives upstairs in his parents’ home. We’re renovating our house, which necessitated taking the blinds down from the bedroom window for a couple of weeks, causing us to be highly back lit if we ever had the bedroom light on after dark. If the neighbor kid happened to be looking, he’d get a full-frontal view of me from the waist up.
One night, I forgot and walked out into the bathroom in my 59-year-old birthday suit. We suddenly heard a huge crash outside. Hubs looked out the window and said, “I think the neighbor just fell off his deck trying to get a look.” “That,” I replied, “or he went blind and tried to kill himself.”
We may never know.
While I hated being under-endowned as a teen (I once bought a stretchy one-size-fits-all bra and the seams puckered because I couldn’t fill it out), I’m glad the girls stayed smallish since I’ll never have to wear a boob belt. They’re not quite perky at this age, but they’re still located pretty much where they should be. Another item to add to my gratitude journal.
Another fun post, Vikki!
Thanks, Roxanne! You’re right. When they don’t fit, they REALLY don’t fit! :)
Too Funny! Just yesterday I noticed a couple of my older underwire bras are starting to bubble up in the molding so now I look like I have several nipples when the molding is supposed to camouflage any nips. I think the Flak-jacket construction is a better option for me.
That’s okay, Haralee, apparently multiple nipples is the new thing! :)
So much fun Vikki!
I was watching National Geographic documentary the other day and started to wonder … why is it that we humans are so unbelievably enamored by them?
All other mammals see them for what they are: they feed babies. But us? We draw them, photograph them, film them (and if they’re moving about, all the better), dress them up, dress them down, squeeze them, pull them, push them up, push them down … I’ll stop now, but we all know the list could go on forever.
Has anyone ever figured out why they’re such a cultural focal point? LOL
I’m not sure, T.O. Maybe we have homegrown, genetically mutated men who, for some reason, think they’re cool! :)
I can always always count on you to make me laugh out loud. Thank you for that gift.
My pleasure, Carla! I always love seeing you on my blog! :)
Who does not love them?
Cranky, a lot of women I know over 50. Maybe it’s because we remember when they were more lovable! :)
Just remembered an old post of a battle between two old farts that you might find amusing…or not.
http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2013/07/breasts-blogger-beat-down.html
I have never had a good relationship with my girls. Took forever to need a bra…I went rad in my 20’s and 30’s and rarely wore a bra…hated it when they decided to show up in my 40’s and I still do. I believe a comfortable bra is a myth.
Thanks for the laughs!
b
Barbara, yep, I’m still looking for the coverage and the lift I need in an actually comfortable style. What a concept. Most bras feel like stilettos on the feet! :)
I love a post that makes me giggle like a schoolgirl! This subject is to women what farts are to men! jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
Oh, Jodie, I think I love you! What farts are to men. I’ll be laughing about that all day! :)
Yep. You’ve still go it!
Thanks, Diane!!
Ha! If they look anything like mine…suicide is the better option! Hilarious Vikki! Headed to check out last week’s post that I missed!
Thanks, Rena! We still haven’t head the nerve to ask the neighbor what happened! :)
I’d like to add to this conversation because I am a transgender man and I haven’t had my own boobs removed yet. Currently I wear a purpose-made binder in order to get a flat chest. To get an idea of what this experience is like, think of the most extreme sports bra you have ever owned and multiply that by AT LEAST ten.
Oh, and I’m a DD.
The most annoying thing about bras, for me, was when the underwire would poke through the lining without warning and you’d end up getting randomly stabbed in the tit. I think I’d rather have the boys (mine are boys) smooshed up against my chest wall any day.
Vince, oh my, I’d forgotten about the “wayward underwire” experience! I think we’ve all had those at some or another. Those little guys can stab you where it hurts the most. But it doesn’t sounds like the sports bra is the solution! :)
I’ve thrown all my under wire bras away. Only stretchy comfort for me or go without when I’m at home. I have no idea what size I am anymore. Just large. I’d love to go back to 34B but it doesn’t look like it’s happening any time soon. At least they’re still fairly perky at 61.
Rebecca, perky at 61? You go, woman! :)
The most fascinating thing about boobs for me is how loopy they make men. And they NEVER get tired of looking at them. Any size, shape, color, location — it makes no difference. They’re just endlessly mesmerized. Seems we should be able to harness that.
Kimberly XOXO
Kimberly, I agree! Why do we worry about what they look like or how they changed? Men don’t seem to care. Let’s celebrate that! :)
” Seems we SHOULD be able to harness that?” Hell, woman, I think I heard a story where Eve flashed Adam and said, Honey, would you bring me an apple? Pleease?”
You’re cute! I loved your funny post. I’ve had breast cancer, two mastectomies and two reconstructions–each a different kind. My current breasts don’t fit in any of your categories. While I’m not thrilled with how they look, I am grateful to still be here, so guess that cancels out the vanity thing. Brenda
Thanks, Brenda! And thank you for adding a different perspective. We’re all in this together, ladies! :)
Good laughs! I hate my boobs. Both have been cut on for biopsies. And they’re small. I always say I have to wear a bra to make my scrambled look hard boiled.
Tess, you crack me up! I’m going to remember “scrambled makes mine look hard-boiled”! :)
Too funny! I didn’t have boobs until college (I started college in a “training bra” for Pete’s sake!) Now, they’ve plumped up as has, unfortunately, the rest of me. I use them to gauge where my waist used to be, because that’s where they’re hanging at this point…
Angie, you made me laugh out loud! I agree, when I measure my waist, I’m not sure if I should include my boobs… :)
Hahaha, what a wonderful morning laugh this just gave me. Thank you. Yes, mine are migrating south at an alarming speed. Found you through Grand Social. :)
It’s a pleasure to meet you, Tamuria! Thanks for stopping by from Grand Social (don’t you just love that blog hop?). Looking forward to reading your blog! :)
I love this. My favorite line, “The sisters are headed south with the determination of migratory geese in the winter.” I just turned 40 and let’s just my boobs have seen better days, but after nursing four kids, I’m okay with that. Tweeted this.
Ha! This was great! Sharing <3
You should do thighs next week! And can’t believe you didn’t mention the wrinkles I have along my boobs!