As the weather gets warmer and clothes get, well…smaller, I decided it was time to get into shape for summer. Nothwithstanding the knowledge that unless you’re 12, with the tone and definition of youth, AND you can lose 10 pounds on a 3-day juice cleanse, summer is, admittedly, a bit late to get in shape for summer. But optimistically ignoring the fact that I should have started in June 2012 to be in shape for June 2013, I posted my Workout Schedule on the fridge, where I’d be most likely to see it several times a day.
Then Kenny mentioned an article he’d recently read where experts recommend that since muscle weighs more than fat, you should measure your trouble spots and repeat every few weeks so you know you’re getting smaller, even if the scale doesn’t budge. Um, okay.
Following the example chart from Kenny’s stupid helpful article, I got out a piece of paper and listed “Arms, Chest, Waist, Abdomen, Butt, and Thighs,” with spaces for starting data. As I stared at the list, my first thought was “Not. Gonna. Happen.” There is simply no way in hell I’m listing the inch width of every latitude on my body. Ever. If I WANTED those numbers written down for perpetuity, I’d join a weight loss group that posted your digits on their in-house bulletin board or, God forbid, Facebook (“Gee, look what SHE did! She was HUUGE, and now, because of us, her husband loves her again!”)
So carrying on blind, with no idea of my starting (or ending) point, I made a commitment to JUST DO IT at least 3 times a week and see what happened. Hopping up on my elliptical trainer for 30 minutes a day, followed by free weights for the arms, I was feeling, if not thinner, at least a little stronger after the first couple of weeks.
Kenny commented over breakfast that I seemed more committed than on the 789 earlier attempts I’d made over the years to get into shape (okay, I’m paraphrasing, but that’s what he meant). Without thinking, I replied that I was motivated by a desire to be “more dateable.” He promptly spit his coffee across the room and shouted, “WHAT??”
As I was scrambling to explain that I simply meant that I wanted to get back into the shape I was in when we were dating (a little more Phase 1 and a little less married-with-grandchildren), he stood up, with all his God-given testosterone, and roared, “I don’t care what you want. My wife DOES NOT DATE!!” (Geez, I said “dateable,” not “marketable.” I thought it sounded better. Apparently it’s a subjective distinction.)
Calmed Hubs down and sent him to the store for goodies for our late Saturday morning breakfast, so I decided to get in a quick workout while he was gone (a preemptive, and admittedly failed strike on the giant cinnamon roll I was going be snarfing down in about 45 minutes).
Half an hour later, feeling all pumped and buffed (middle-age speak for “less old and stiff”), I laid on my back over a large exercise ball for a fabulous spine stretch. As I tried to get up, however, it became immediately obvious that I should have worn sneakers, as my fluffy socks started skidding on the hardwood, faster and faster, trying unsuccessfully for traction, until I looked like Scooby Doo, running frantically in place but going NOWHERE, as the ball rolled out from underneath me, then shot backwards, smacking into the ironing board, knocking it over and taking out the entire surface contents of my desk. SERIOUSLY??
Kenny walked in the door to find me in an undignified sprawl on the floor, with half my office lying on top of me and the other half spread out in all four corners of the room. “For God’s sake, woman,” he sighed, “I just went out for MILK!!”
Experts also say that walking is actually the best form of exercise. Maybe I should try that instead. I figure I can have that cinnamon roll burned off about the time I reach Montana.
Seriously you are too funny and sound so much like me on working out. I do what I can, but there is so much that I am so not able to do or even want to do!!!
Hilarious! At least you’ve learned that you should be wearing sneakers when you stretch on an exercise ball. Keep it up!
I swear the exercise ball was designed to make me break my neck. Maybe I just have really bad balance. Maybe I have an inner ear infection. I don’t know what it is. All I know is every time I use one I end on splayed out on the floor much like you did.
Every summer I say to myself- “Self, you should’ve started working out in winter!” One of these years I’ll be ready for June before June comes around. Oh, and I’m a huge klutz, so exercise balls and fuzzy socks sound exactly like something I’d do.
Honestly, every time we think we can’t laugh harder at you, you write something like this! SO FUNNY!!-The Dose Girls
Hilarious! I want to be more dateable too, but if I told my husband his reaction would be similar to what yours was. I was going to start working out, until I realized how few calories were actually burned…it’s disappointing. I think a 10 minute work out should equal the same number of calories as a piece of cake. Please let me know how we can make that happen.
The Scooby Doo visual was perfect! Ruh-oh Vikki! Just sit on your ass; it’s safer that way.
I was surprised to read you had an ironing board. Thanks for the chuckle as I sit in the airport.
Umm, Vikki, if I remember correctly, this isn’t the first time that your husband went out and came back to find you sprawled out on the floor. I’m sensing a recurring theme here…
Oh Vicki, I’m glad you are ok! My aunt ended up with two black eyes from one of those work out balls – hit a corner and popped. Not pretty!
We do walk every day. It’s safe – so far I’ve only fallen once (skinned hands but otherwise unharmed) and CJ did a dive roll onto someone’s front yard (very stunt-manny and rather hot, if you ask me). ;)
This is exactly why I don’t exercise! ;)
My daughter was my trainer for while. It was tougher on me than when she was in training pants. I’ll stick to walking any day of the week.
I have long sence gave up on the skinny me. Walkings good. Skimpy cloths start in Feb here. We go from cold to hot not much cool or warm. But one little diet help. Ground cinnamon an honey in water. Saw it on FB. So it gotta be true. Oh an it may be a cure all LOL
Getting fit is an overrated virtue. I tried 6 weeks ago and am paying for it in spades with visits to chiropractor. Can now move neck from side to side again, but thankfully can’t easily look down to see the flab moving in slo-mo from shoulders down. Going for the Venus figurine look by the pool this year. Good luck to you too.
Hilarious! Don’t give up because of one stupid, slippery exercise ball.
Just listening to your description of being stretched out over an exercise ball almost dislocated one of my vertebrae.
Once again, Vikki, you had me laughing out loud after reading one of your posts! I so see myself and my (mostly pathetic and unsuccessful) weight-loss attempts in your description of your own endeavors. Thank you!
You crack me up! Love the idea of a preemptive strike against the cinnamon roll.
I’ve been trying to get down to my college weight for a year of cutting carbs and exercising. I am making myself nuts-o. I need to do what’s reasonable for diet and exercise and hurl the stupid scale out the window. Good luck with your own journey!
I loved that I got to start my morning with this.
“Pumped & Buffed = Middle-age speak for ‘less old and stiff'” should definitely go on a t-shirt. HA!
Thanks for the laugh and big hugs to you.
Omgoodness too funny. I have given up on all excercise except for walking.
Occasionally I ask my husband to do jumping Jack’s with me and I try to keep a serious face. It’s pretty hysterical.
So funny Vicki. I’m sticking to walking everyday!
Love your voice — and for what it’s worth. I make time to exercise every day. It keeps me sane. My emotional well-being always is better if I get out and move. Even if it’s only for 30 minutes. Have you tried cycling? I can’t run but a couple of times a week, and cycling has really filled that void. Great on joints and a fab cardio boost.
God, you are funny. Bathing Suit Season, otherwise known around here as the fourth level of female hell.
This is so great
Bathing suit skirts are our friend. Also winter. Thanks for the morning laugh.
You are hilarious! No more ball for you!
LOL you are a hilarious woman. YOU CAN DO IT!! Don’t give up this time. I know it’s hard. I’ve struggled with my weight for YEARS. I’ve lost over 100 lbs but now it’s the hard part: Getting that last 40 off to reach my ideal weight. The first week I gained 3 lbs. But the next week I lost 1.5. You only gain about 2 lbs of muscle a MONTH, so you shouldn’t see a drastic weight increase over weight loss, however retaining water is a MAJOR possibility. Just blame any weight gains on water and keep going! lol Also, do your cardio AFTER you do weights. Apparently the weights burn up your glucose stores and then once you get to cardio you start actually burning FAT. So, it’s all good ;)
I’m crying here. How’s this spring/summer treating you? Any better this time around? I wish we were neighbors. We could walk together and then go for Starbucks. Ehem. Or smoothies. Yeah. Sure.
Vikki, I would remonstrate you for exercising in slippers, but as you know that yesterday I tried to do a handstand indoors and crashed through an open doorway and fell in a heap on the floor, I fear you’d just laugh at me :D
VERY well told though.
haha!! Your husband sounds like a fun guy to have around! You painted a funny picture in my head with the “scooby doo” comment! I hope you are ok after that! I know what you mean about summer time being too late to get in shape for summer time! ughhh…tried to run before dinner last night and I made it .9 miles :( I burned about a half a bite of cereal with that tiny jaunt!
Love the alarm settings, too!!
What a hoot! Laughter is the best exercise of all.